(Born Ruffians)
ONE MONTH TO GO UNTIL OUR WEDDING. Holy shit. I so can't believe that we've hit this point. The past six months have really just flown by. Left on my to do list? Put together the programs and favors. Have my make-up and hair trials. Go to my final dress fitting. Wait for the flowers to arrive and then put those together. Finalize the ceremony details. Have my walk-through with our day of coordinator. Get our marriage license. (Holy crap.) You know... details mostly.
I honestly can't believe the amount of details and hand-picked stuff I've been able to pull together for the wedding. I know a lot of people won't even notice most of it, but I'm excited to show the pictures to people and be able to say- oh, I went shopping with my Mom at antique stores for all those cake plates, or my Dad put the twine on all 150 mason jars for us. Luckily, we have photographers that are really amazing and I know will be able to capture every detail.
After the wedding, I'll have to do a post about where I got everything. Etsy has been my biggest resource- from a custom made stamp for our wedding favors to a special hanger for my dress (it says sara <3 juan). I have custom cake toppers, a ring bearer box, tutus for the flower girls, bird cages for cards, party poms, a photobooth backdrop, etc etc etc. And it's all hanging out in my closet, garage and brain. Our honeymoon is booked, our rehearsal dinner invites have been sent out, and our rsvps are due back tomorrow. The past 16 months of planning and debating and building are finally coming together at the end of the month. Actually, after the wedding I really need to make time to sit and write about it all because I largely haven't. It's been such a big part of my time and my life. It's been sometimes frustrating, sometimes thrilling, sometimes really fun, and other times a total freaking hassle, but more than anything when I look back on the past year and a (almost) half, I just feel profoundly lucky.
I should have written about the most amazing bridal shower and bachelorette party that were thrown for me two months ago because more than anything else they really demonstrate how overwhelmingly loved I've felt throughout this whole process. Every detail was perfect and it was so evident how much time and care Alicia and the bridesmaids had put into every detail, but more than that, I was surrounded by so many people that loved me. They were all happy and talking and it was perfection. In the middle of the tea, I looked around and had a vision of what my wedding might be like. And then, later, in the middle of a zebra striped hummer limo, toasting champagne, I felt it again. Like, exactly where I should be. Start to finish, the whole day, both events were totally perfect. I teared up during everyone's speeches at the bridal shower, was overwhelmed by Juan's family and their generosity, drank too much champagne, had heart to hearts with everyone there, sat on the floor whilst dancing at iBar, force-fed Rachel ice, and made Melissa buy me a shot of Patron and then promptly dumped it on the floor.
On the one hand, I can't wait to be married. I can't wait to get this show on the road and walk down that aisle to Juan and really truly start our lives together. I can't wait to dance and see everyone and go on this honeymoon which is really turning into an epic food tour of San Francisco. I can't wait to talk about other things! (I've gotten so boring.) And at the same time, while it's often been frustrating and never-ending and stressful, I have really loved being engaged. It's been one of the few times in my life where everything has fallen into place exactly the way I've always hoped it would. I'm really hopeful that our wedding, in approximately 30 short days, will go exactly the same way.
First though? My best friend's bridal shower and bachelorette party are this Saturday and I can't wait to help her celebrate!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
who knows which one of us will stay and either way, these things we don't comprehend
(Tantric)
I've been thinking, ever since Jeff moved to Ft. Worth last month, that it's really rare that you ever know that the last time you see someone, is actually the last time you'll see them. We say goodbye and hello and move in and out of each other's lives, so many lives, so often. Every day, even. Besides confronting my own mortality every single time I have to get on an airplane, I pretty much always assume that "good-bye" only ever means, "until next time". Even when you don't know when you'll see that someone again, even when they're moving across the country, you always tell yourself that they're coming back.
Larger than space or time though, I think our lives themselves move us together and apart. I don't think that you have to be in the same location to be friends, or even the same place in your life. But, I do think that there are certain things in your life that happen and they change you, they change your circumstances and your outlook and maybe even the amount of patience or emotional energy you have. I try so hard to hold on to everyone I love with both hands. Letting go is something that just doesn't come naturally to me.
Anyway. So much has changed in just a few short years. I fight constantly against this holding on too tightly, but sometimes I wonder if we should? No matter how mad I am, I always call back and say "I love you", because morbid as it is, what if it's the last time I get to say it? If you knew that it would be two years before I saw you again, would you hug me tighter? Would you linger over your coffee longer? Would you have gotten out of the car at the airport that day to kiss me properly?
We'll never know, I guess.
The flip side, of course, is that you also never know what new thing today will bring. This day, this moment right here, is another chance to turn it around, to smile, to laugh, to love. To breathe deep and live. I wonder if I will be 90 and still feel this unyielding hunger for more everything. It's not that I'm never satisfied, on the contrary, I think that I can be exceptionally good at appreciating the little individual moment that I'm living in. It's just that there's so much out there- skin and dirt and rain and life.
And I want it all.
How often do we do that with our wants or our hopes or our dreams? How often do we think that we'll come back and pick something up later when we have more time or more energy? What if that day never comes? What if this moment is IT, the cosmic moment you've been waiting for? Why leave anything undone, anything unsaid? Why not throw it all out to the universe today and let the pieces fall where they may?
The best things in my life have happened when I stopped wondering and just jumped. I've had my heart broken and my knees scraped, but oh, I have lived. And if I wasn't here tomorrow, no one would wonder how I felt or what I thought because I said it. Everyday. I know that moderation is a way of life for other people, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I'll never wonder if there was something more I should have done because at the end of the day, I lived it. I've found that making decisions based on the fear that something won't work out is the quickest way to ensure that your fears are realized.
I quit my part-time job two months ago because the work environment was making me miserable. I've applied and applied and haven't even been getting interviews for jobs in my field that I am totally qualified for. So, I'm volunteering and applying and waiting. And, honestly, the reduced funds suck, but it's pretty ok. I'm young and I'm smart and eventually I'll make a decision that will change things. Who knows where that will lead? Maybe to a library, maybe to a donut shop.
The point is, the only moment that really belongs to you is the one you're living in, right now. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Why waste it by holding back?
I've been thinking, ever since Jeff moved to Ft. Worth last month, that it's really rare that you ever know that the last time you see someone, is actually the last time you'll see them. We say goodbye and hello and move in and out of each other's lives, so many lives, so often. Every day, even. Besides confronting my own mortality every single time I have to get on an airplane, I pretty much always assume that "good-bye" only ever means, "until next time". Even when you don't know when you'll see that someone again, even when they're moving across the country, you always tell yourself that they're coming back.
Larger than space or time though, I think our lives themselves move us together and apart. I don't think that you have to be in the same location to be friends, or even the same place in your life. But, I do think that there are certain things in your life that happen and they change you, they change your circumstances and your outlook and maybe even the amount of patience or emotional energy you have. I try so hard to hold on to everyone I love with both hands. Letting go is something that just doesn't come naturally to me.
Anyway. So much has changed in just a few short years. I fight constantly against this holding on too tightly, but sometimes I wonder if we should? No matter how mad I am, I always call back and say "I love you", because morbid as it is, what if it's the last time I get to say it? If you knew that it would be two years before I saw you again, would you hug me tighter? Would you linger over your coffee longer? Would you have gotten out of the car at the airport that day to kiss me properly?
We'll never know, I guess.
The flip side, of course, is that you also never know what new thing today will bring. This day, this moment right here, is another chance to turn it around, to smile, to laugh, to love. To breathe deep and live. I wonder if I will be 90 and still feel this unyielding hunger for more everything. It's not that I'm never satisfied, on the contrary, I think that I can be exceptionally good at appreciating the little individual moment that I'm living in. It's just that there's so much out there- skin and dirt and rain and life.
And I want it all.
How often do we do that with our wants or our hopes or our dreams? How often do we think that we'll come back and pick something up later when we have more time or more energy? What if that day never comes? What if this moment is IT, the cosmic moment you've been waiting for? Why leave anything undone, anything unsaid? Why not throw it all out to the universe today and let the pieces fall where they may?
The best things in my life have happened when I stopped wondering and just jumped. I've had my heart broken and my knees scraped, but oh, I have lived. And if I wasn't here tomorrow, no one would wonder how I felt or what I thought because I said it. Everyday. I know that moderation is a way of life for other people, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I'll never wonder if there was something more I should have done because at the end of the day, I lived it. I've found that making decisions based on the fear that something won't work out is the quickest way to ensure that your fears are realized.
I quit my part-time job two months ago because the work environment was making me miserable. I've applied and applied and haven't even been getting interviews for jobs in my field that I am totally qualified for. So, I'm volunteering and applying and waiting. And, honestly, the reduced funds suck, but it's pretty ok. I'm young and I'm smart and eventually I'll make a decision that will change things. Who knows where that will lead? Maybe to a library, maybe to a donut shop.
The point is, the only moment that really belongs to you is the one you're living in, right now. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Why waste it by holding back?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
i'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears and you can go swimming when you are here
(Otis Redding)
I'm putting together the mix CD for our wedding favors. We're getting married in just over a month. I can't believe that we're finally here and it's so close... time has started rushing by. It's been months since I felt balanced and clear-headed. Especially enough to write anything. Most of the time, the sad or the overwhelming or the startling happy means that I can't write enough. This summer I haven't had very many moments, good or bad, that I really wanted to talk about. And it's weird, because there's no lack of the memorable here. I think I've just felt adrift. Like, caught up in a wave that there isn't really any point of analyzing.
So, here I am again. Starting over? Or just a quick interlude? Do we ever really know? I don't know, I've just been sitting here for hours, pouring over the final details of our wedding music. My brain is fried and I feel equal parts weary and restless. Sometimes, I think I miss you but I can't tell if it's just that I felt this way so much when I was with you and I so rarely do now that I'm with him. I wish sometimes that we had gotten to that point in our relationship where shit just gets so boring you can't stand to be around the other person. Of course, there were times I couldn't stand to be around you or that things were tedious, but Jesus. Boring. No. Whereas, see, with Jeff I always know that, yes, I miss him. It's simple and because it's simple, it's somehow innocent and ok. And because my life with you in it could be so utterly miserable, I feel like I am never allowed to admit that sometimes I miss you. That there was a time when you understood me better than anyone ever had.
Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe people will read too much into it (though, who's reading this anymore by now anyway?) or maybe it will come off wrong or whatever, but I don't particularly care. I'm allowed to feel however I think I feel. Loving him is so different, our relationship is so different from everything else. I'm going to be his wife. It's not something that should or could ever really be compared to anything else.
It's the same way with music. They say that smell is the strongest sense for memory, but I sure as hell don't think so. Sometimes I can't tell if I miss something or want something or it's just that I still love this piece of music just as much as I did then. And the memory is so strong, I could actually confuse it for the genuine original emotion.
So, I'm here. Another late night in front of the computer mixing and remixing and over thinking and over feeling. And I think about all the other times I've done this for some silly little collection of music that most people will listen to once before it gets stuffed under their car seat. And I wonder how many more times I'll really do this or if any other time will ever be this important to me. Even if it isn't important to anyone else.
It's not like the music could ever be some cosmic representation of our relationship or my feelings. I'm not that starry eyed or that naive. But, it can sure as hell strike close. Certain songs are, of course, linked to particular memories. Driving in the car or picking the music for our ceremony or being in New Orleans. Some are just lovely on their own or remind me of him or of us for some reason. A band he introduced me to or a song he put on the one and only mix he's ever made me.
It's hard for me sometimes, to say that I'm so happy and so lucky and so loved. And that I love so much. But also that I am sad or overwhelmed or lonely. Not alone, just lonely. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning and hiding it in this fog, but I'm not sure that I want to take some magic pill and make it all better either. I'm not sure who I am without this depth of feeling, even if it does always make me wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next. Especially when there are days where doing anything, making any decision, feels insurmountable.
The only thing I am sure of is that marrying him is the one decision that I've not questioned. It sounds trite, but as long as we're together, I know that it'll be OK. It's just figuring out all the rest. And all the rest is... a lot.
Fitting a mix together is like a puzzle. Making Otis Redding mesh with Smashing Pumpkins and Queen and the Born Ruffians... it can all go together, but maybe not right next to each other. Some things you really want to put on there might not fit. And you can't put absolutely everything on there, because there's a finite amount of space.
Life is like that too.
God, what a terrible cliche thing to say. But it doesn't make it any less true. Every decision I make isn't just choosing something- it also means NOT choosing something. I just want to be able to stop thinking about how everything I put in my mouth is making my jeans ever so slightly tighter, or how my arms will look in my wedding dress, or whether people will dance to this song at the wedding, or what music should be playing when we cut our cake, or how the pets will fare without us on our honeymoon, or why no one is interviewing me for jobs I am totally qualified for. Or what we should have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Or what day of the week is easiest to get groceries. Or why I loathe working out so much.
All I want lately is to drink and dance and fuck. I just want my brain off. And there probably isn't a worse time to decide that I don't want to be responsible than right now. At least this CD is mixed, so I can check one thing off my to do list.
I'm putting together the mix CD for our wedding favors. We're getting married in just over a month. I can't believe that we're finally here and it's so close... time has started rushing by. It's been months since I felt balanced and clear-headed. Especially enough to write anything. Most of the time, the sad or the overwhelming or the startling happy means that I can't write enough. This summer I haven't had very many moments, good or bad, that I really wanted to talk about. And it's weird, because there's no lack of the memorable here. I think I've just felt adrift. Like, caught up in a wave that there isn't really any point of analyzing.
So, here I am again. Starting over? Or just a quick interlude? Do we ever really know? I don't know, I've just been sitting here for hours, pouring over the final details of our wedding music. My brain is fried and I feel equal parts weary and restless. Sometimes, I think I miss you but I can't tell if it's just that I felt this way so much when I was with you and I so rarely do now that I'm with him. I wish sometimes that we had gotten to that point in our relationship where shit just gets so boring you can't stand to be around the other person. Of course, there were times I couldn't stand to be around you or that things were tedious, but Jesus. Boring. No. Whereas, see, with Jeff I always know that, yes, I miss him. It's simple and because it's simple, it's somehow innocent and ok. And because my life with you in it could be so utterly miserable, I feel like I am never allowed to admit that sometimes I miss you. That there was a time when you understood me better than anyone ever had.
Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe people will read too much into it (though, who's reading this anymore by now anyway?) or maybe it will come off wrong or whatever, but I don't particularly care. I'm allowed to feel however I think I feel. Loving him is so different, our relationship is so different from everything else. I'm going to be his wife. It's not something that should or could ever really be compared to anything else.
It's the same way with music. They say that smell is the strongest sense for memory, but I sure as hell don't think so. Sometimes I can't tell if I miss something or want something or it's just that I still love this piece of music just as much as I did then. And the memory is so strong, I could actually confuse it for the genuine original emotion.
So, I'm here. Another late night in front of the computer mixing and remixing and over thinking and over feeling. And I think about all the other times I've done this for some silly little collection of music that most people will listen to once before it gets stuffed under their car seat. And I wonder how many more times I'll really do this or if any other time will ever be this important to me. Even if it isn't important to anyone else.
It's not like the music could ever be some cosmic representation of our relationship or my feelings. I'm not that starry eyed or that naive. But, it can sure as hell strike close. Certain songs are, of course, linked to particular memories. Driving in the car or picking the music for our ceremony or being in New Orleans. Some are just lovely on their own or remind me of him or of us for some reason. A band he introduced me to or a song he put on the one and only mix he's ever made me.
It's hard for me sometimes, to say that I'm so happy and so lucky and so loved. And that I love so much. But also that I am sad or overwhelmed or lonely. Not alone, just lonely. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning and hiding it in this fog, but I'm not sure that I want to take some magic pill and make it all better either. I'm not sure who I am without this depth of feeling, even if it does always make me wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next. Especially when there are days where doing anything, making any decision, feels insurmountable.
The only thing I am sure of is that marrying him is the one decision that I've not questioned. It sounds trite, but as long as we're together, I know that it'll be OK. It's just figuring out all the rest. And all the rest is... a lot.
Fitting a mix together is like a puzzle. Making Otis Redding mesh with Smashing Pumpkins and Queen and the Born Ruffians... it can all go together, but maybe not right next to each other. Some things you really want to put on there might not fit. And you can't put absolutely everything on there, because there's a finite amount of space.
Life is like that too.
God, what a terrible cliche thing to say. But it doesn't make it any less true. Every decision I make isn't just choosing something- it also means NOT choosing something. I just want to be able to stop thinking about how everything I put in my mouth is making my jeans ever so slightly tighter, or how my arms will look in my wedding dress, or whether people will dance to this song at the wedding, or what music should be playing when we cut our cake, or how the pets will fare without us on our honeymoon, or why no one is interviewing me for jobs I am totally qualified for. Or what we should have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Or what day of the week is easiest to get groceries. Or why I loathe working out so much.
All I want lately is to drink and dance and fuck. I just want my brain off. And there probably isn't a worse time to decide that I don't want to be responsible than right now. At least this CD is mixed, so I can check one thing off my to do list.
Friday, April 8, 2011
I want so much that I can't put into words right now.
I'm so burnt out.
I have two weeks left of school.
I recently got some news from my current employer that makes me even more motivated to find something new.
I am anxious and overwhelmed and completely frazzled.
But, I am right on the edge of something. The end of this phase. I have been survive, survive, survive, endure, focus, push through, just a little bit longer for so long. And now?
I am so close to deep breath, next step, learn to thrive.
I'm so burnt out.
I have two weeks left of school.
I recently got some news from my current employer that makes me even more motivated to find something new.
I am anxious and overwhelmed and completely frazzled.
But, I am right on the edge of something. The end of this phase. I have been survive, survive, survive, endure, focus, push through, just a little bit longer for so long. And now?
I am so close to deep breath, next step, learn to thrive.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
but there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow and I can be on the last train home
(Lostprophets)
Mildly related/Staccato/I don't have time for a real post, but lots to say:
- I turned twenty-seven last week. There was a Tiffany box and much food and "Wicked". It was delightful. I was going to do a post all in pictures... but then life got in the way.
- Facebook is evil, part 1. I am totally fine that one of my ex-boyfriends got married over the week-end. However, it ever so mildly freaks me out that they got hitched at OUR venue and they're honeymooning in OUR destination, as well. It's just... weird.
- JLM is moving to Fort Worth in two months. I was talking to him on the phone last week and I kept thinking that his voice hasn't changed at all, but we have. So much. It's kind of miraculous that we've managed to make our friendship last.
- Facebook is evil, part 2. Reading about an incident involving my sorority chapter and a fraternity that I used to spend a lot of time with is making me ill, angry, and disheartened.
- Approximately 17 days till our annual girl's trip and only about 23 days of school left! I am equal parts ecstatic and nervous and omg, there's so so so much to do before then. A major paper and two major group projects and lots of little things in between then and now.
- I cannot wait to for our Annual Girl's Trip, too many cocktails, Gone with the Wind, hopefully trying on my wedding dress, gossip, girl talk, and carbs with Winnie and Z.
- I cannot wait to come home and not have to go to school, deal with group members, listen to lectures, and to finally be able to apply to jobs that I'm qualified for and not only those I'm way overqualified for.
- I am still searching for a job. Every. day.
- No, I have not worked out in months. Yes, I am more than partially responsible for why we are not running that 5k during our Annual Girl's Trip this year.
- I am making my peace with my body.
- Which is not to say that I don't have goals.
- Summer goals: use my gym membership, learn how to coupon effectively, take another photography class, figure out how to upgrade (and regularly update) my blog, and find a big girl job.
- I miss my friends. I'm really ready to see everyone a lot in the next few months.
- For every day I have that I am totally overwhelmed, I have one where I rise above it... I will never not freak out and get wound up about things that are totally not in my control. But, I'm also trying to see the situations where it's really not about me, or my fault, or my problem, and the places where worrying about it isn't going to help.
- Our engagement photos are next week. Coffee themed. I adore our photographers and I'm really excited.
- My wedding dress is ever so slightly MIA. I am not quite worried yet. Thank god I ordered it so far in advance.
- I am over wedding planning right now. I mean, I still care. I just don't want to have to actually make decisions and execute things right now. And I'll get over it... in about three weeks when school is over and I feel like I can have my life back.
- Honeymoon plans... San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Lake Tahoe... I am so. so. excited.
- I adore you. Every time I think that I can't possibly handle another day of job hunting, school, dog hair, and being angry at the internet... I think of you and us and how impossibly lucky I am to have found you and as trite and hallmark as it sounds, it makes it all so much better.
- I cannot wait to marry you.
Mildly related/Staccato/I don't have time for a real post, but lots to say:
- I turned twenty-seven last week. There was a Tiffany box and much food and "Wicked". It was delightful. I was going to do a post all in pictures... but then life got in the way.
- Facebook is evil, part 1. I am totally fine that one of my ex-boyfriends got married over the week-end. However, it ever so mildly freaks me out that they got hitched at OUR venue and they're honeymooning in OUR destination, as well. It's just... weird.
- JLM is moving to Fort Worth in two months. I was talking to him on the phone last week and I kept thinking that his voice hasn't changed at all, but we have. So much. It's kind of miraculous that we've managed to make our friendship last.
- Facebook is evil, part 2. Reading about an incident involving my sorority chapter and a fraternity that I used to spend a lot of time with is making me ill, angry, and disheartened.
- Approximately 17 days till our annual girl's trip and only about 23 days of school left! I am equal parts ecstatic and nervous and omg, there's so so so much to do before then. A major paper and two major group projects and lots of little things in between then and now.
- I cannot wait to for our Annual Girl's Trip, too many cocktails, Gone with the Wind, hopefully trying on my wedding dress, gossip, girl talk, and carbs with Winnie and Z.
- I cannot wait to come home and not have to go to school, deal with group members, listen to lectures, and to finally be able to apply to jobs that I'm qualified for and not only those I'm way overqualified for.
- I am still searching for a job. Every. day.
- No, I have not worked out in months. Yes, I am more than partially responsible for why we are not running that 5k during our Annual Girl's Trip this year.
- I am making my peace with my body.
- Which is not to say that I don't have goals.
- Summer goals: use my gym membership, learn how to coupon effectively, take another photography class, figure out how to upgrade (and regularly update) my blog, and find a big girl job.
- I miss my friends. I'm really ready to see everyone a lot in the next few months.
- For every day I have that I am totally overwhelmed, I have one where I rise above it... I will never not freak out and get wound up about things that are totally not in my control. But, I'm also trying to see the situations where it's really not about me, or my fault, or my problem, and the places where worrying about it isn't going to help.
- Our engagement photos are next week. Coffee themed. I adore our photographers and I'm really excited.
- My wedding dress is ever so slightly MIA. I am not quite worried yet. Thank god I ordered it so far in advance.
- I am over wedding planning right now. I mean, I still care. I just don't want to have to actually make decisions and execute things right now. And I'll get over it... in about three weeks when school is over and I feel like I can have my life back.
- Honeymoon plans... San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Lake Tahoe... I am so. so. excited.
- I adore you. Every time I think that I can't possibly handle another day of job hunting, school, dog hair, and being angry at the internet... I think of you and us and how impossibly lucky I am to have found you and as trite and hallmark as it sounds, it makes it all so much better.
- I cannot wait to marry you.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
it's a reason, why I'm here
(Oleander)
My little space is going through a transition phase, much like my personal life right now. After several rough months, the light at the end of the tunnel is finally growing closer. J and I are insanely happy and insanely busy, but once life settles down a little bit (ha) I'm planning on shaking things up here. Quite a lot.
My little space is going through a transition phase, much like my personal life right now. After several rough months, the light at the end of the tunnel is finally growing closer. J and I are insanely happy and insanely busy, but once life settles down a little bit (ha) I'm planning on shaking things up here. Quite a lot.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
burn all the evidence, a fabricated disbelief
(Cage the Elephant)
Confessions. A day late, I know.
- When I want to make a point in an e-mail, I use the same word twice in a row: "also also" or "and and" are frequent. It's so obnoxious, but I can't help it.
- I'm causing quite the brouhaha at work. My (older female) coworker has been invading my personal space, smacking my arm for emphasis, and the other day she put her hand on my thigh during a meeting with my supervisor. I'm the most affectionate person on the planet (Really! I'm Southern. We hug. A lot.) and I've never been in a situation (outside of boys or bars) where someone has touched me in a way that I've found offensive. My boss told his boss who talked to the woman who has since apologized but also lectured me about the way I handled it. Honestly, the situation, like other situations at this particular job, has spiraled out of my control. I've never worked somewhere that isn't ridiculously professional and where I haven't totally excelled. Maybe it's wrong, but I don't really think the problem is me. I don't think it's ever appropriate to touch someone without their permission, especially a coworker. You never know how they've been raised or what they're dealing with or even just whether or not it would be welcome. Why would you assume it was ok? I think I just need to move to another position elsewhere as soon as possible. Which is causing me no small amount of stress.
- I dream almost every night and I often dream about people I know- but not as they are now, as they were in the past. Like, if I have a dream about JLM it's not him now, it's us at 18 or 20. And it's not just ex-boyfriends, either.
- My training for this 5k in April with Winnie and Z is not. going. well. I've never wanted to prove something to myself so badly and yet, I can't seem to find the time or the energy to make it happen.
- On a positive note? I've never been so freaking ecstatic to see March! Good things are on the way, I believe it.
Confessions. A day late, I know.
- When I want to make a point in an e-mail, I use the same word twice in a row: "also also" or "and and" are frequent. It's so obnoxious, but I can't help it.
- I'm causing quite the brouhaha at work. My (older female) coworker has been invading my personal space, smacking my arm for emphasis, and the other day she put her hand on my thigh during a meeting with my supervisor. I'm the most affectionate person on the planet (Really! I'm Southern. We hug. A lot.) and I've never been in a situation (outside of boys or bars) where someone has touched me in a way that I've found offensive. My boss told his boss who talked to the woman who has since apologized but also lectured me about the way I handled it. Honestly, the situation, like other situations at this particular job, has spiraled out of my control. I've never worked somewhere that isn't ridiculously professional and where I haven't totally excelled. Maybe it's wrong, but I don't really think the problem is me. I don't think it's ever appropriate to touch someone without their permission, especially a coworker. You never know how they've been raised or what they're dealing with or even just whether or not it would be welcome. Why would you assume it was ok? I think I just need to move to another position elsewhere as soon as possible. Which is causing me no small amount of stress.
- I dream almost every night and I often dream about people I know- but not as they are now, as they were in the past. Like, if I have a dream about JLM it's not him now, it's us at 18 or 20. And it's not just ex-boyfriends, either.
- My training for this 5k in April with Winnie and Z is not. going. well. I've never wanted to prove something to myself so badly and yet, I can't seem to find the time or the energy to make it happen.
- On a positive note? I've never been so freaking ecstatic to see March! Good things are on the way, I believe it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
singing songs ain't got no regrets
(The Black Crowes)
Why isn't there a mid-rock station? Have you ever noticed that? There's "classic" rock which usually spans from 1970-1989 and then "new" rock which takes over from 1990-present. (And oldies, but I'm not going there.) At what point does "new" rock become "classic"? Because 1990 was, oh, 21 years ago. Grunge is officially legal to drink- doesn't that make you feel old? Anyway, I posed this question hypothetically in the car with J the other day. Quickly followed up by how amazing it would be if there was a station that played rock from the late 80's to the early 2000's. (Incidentally, yes, I am aware that XM has this. But I am a poor grad student and have to make do with last.fm.)
J promptly told me that no one would listen to it. Apparently, I'm the only one that thinks that most rock has gone to shit since Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. I mean, I love classic rock, too, don't get me wrong, but I don't always want to listen to it. It's not mine in the way that the music I grew up to was. I try to remember that, whenever things are hard, or scary, or not going my way... that something is mine in a way that no one can ever take away from me. I think I'm lucky to feel that way about music.
Anyway. I forgot where I was going with this. I think my point was that I've started listening to the Black Crowes again and it makes me happy. I can't remember where else I was going with this... Just been listening to a lot of music lately. I've been having trouble compiling the various playlists associated with the wedding because I can't narrow down what I love and also figure out what everyone else will want to listen to. I've also been buying a bunch of new (to me) music. Remembering people and places and what summer feels like. Letting myself dream.
It feels right.
Why isn't there a mid-rock station? Have you ever noticed that? There's "classic" rock which usually spans from 1970-1989 and then "new" rock which takes over from 1990-present. (And oldies, but I'm not going there.) At what point does "new" rock become "classic"? Because 1990 was, oh, 21 years ago. Grunge is officially legal to drink- doesn't that make you feel old? Anyway, I posed this question hypothetically in the car with J the other day. Quickly followed up by how amazing it would be if there was a station that played rock from the late 80's to the early 2000's. (Incidentally, yes, I am aware that XM has this. But I am a poor grad student and have to make do with last.fm.)
J promptly told me that no one would listen to it. Apparently, I'm the only one that thinks that most rock has gone to shit since Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. I mean, I love classic rock, too, don't get me wrong, but I don't always want to listen to it. It's not mine in the way that the music I grew up to was. I try to remember that, whenever things are hard, or scary, or not going my way... that something is mine in a way that no one can ever take away from me. I think I'm lucky to feel that way about music.
Anyway. I forgot where I was going with this. I think my point was that I've started listening to the Black Crowes again and it makes me happy. I can't remember where else I was going with this... Just been listening to a lot of music lately. I've been having trouble compiling the various playlists associated with the wedding because I can't narrow down what I love and also figure out what everyone else will want to listen to. I've also been buying a bunch of new (to me) music. Remembering people and places and what summer feels like. Letting myself dream.
It feels right.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
on the tip of my tongue an offensive is poised and rearing
(Incubus)
Dear Bright House Networks,
Want to know what happens when YOU live in a Bright House?
I'm sitting at Starbucks this morning, attempting to participate in a group meeting for one the classes for my Master's degree. I'll be done with this degree, which I have taken entirely online in May- no thanks to you. In the past two years since I've lived with your service, I've been completely astonished to find service that was worse than the Comcast I had in DC. If those people were slightly sadistic and evil, you all are completely fucking inept. In the past 18 months, you have sent someone out to our house to "fix" whatever problem we've had with our internet access no less than 8 times. Every time they come out, find a different problem than the person before them, the internet works relatively well for a few weeks and then the same problem begins again. Considering that I can only actually connect to the internet about 25% of the time, I feel that it's only fair that I should pay you 25% of my bill, yes?
Listen, I understand that things happen. But this problem of not being able to access my internet, which I'm paying quite a bit of money for, has become a problem that's grown from merely annoying, to quite inconvenient, and now absolutely fucking enraging. I have 8 weeks of my class left before graduation. This semester, you have already made me miss giving a presentation for one of my classes, re-write an assignment so that I could submit it from my laptop (since I wrote it on our desktop and couldn't connect to the internet), and travel to Starbucks on a Saturday morning at 8:30am for a group meeting, not to mention countless efforts to get back onto the internet after you've inexplicably kicked me out.
I don't have time for this shit.
Additionally, you provide our cable. Up until about 3 months ago, this wasn't a problem. Recently however, our cable has decided to become temperamental. About three times a week, I turn on the TV and get 30 seconds of black screen, 30 seconds of programming and navigation, and 30 more seconds of black screen, ad infinitum. Fucking annoying. Do you know how long it takes to reset our cable box? Do you have any idea what it's like to live in a house without reliable cable or internet? It can be downright unpleasant. So, you have one more chance to fix this. After Sunday, if my internet isn't as reliable as the sun rising, I will take AT&T up on one of the annoyingly numerous offers they send us every month. U-verse cannot possibly be worse than you are.
Sincerely,
A Very Unhappy Customer
Dear Bright House Networks,
Want to know what happens when YOU live in a Bright House?
I'm sitting at Starbucks this morning, attempting to participate in a group meeting for one the classes for my Master's degree. I'll be done with this degree, which I have taken entirely online in May- no thanks to you. In the past two years since I've lived with your service, I've been completely astonished to find service that was worse than the Comcast I had in DC. If those people were slightly sadistic and evil, you all are completely fucking inept. In the past 18 months, you have sent someone out to our house to "fix" whatever problem we've had with our internet access no less than 8 times. Every time they come out, find a different problem than the person before them, the internet works relatively well for a few weeks and then the same problem begins again. Considering that I can only actually connect to the internet about 25% of the time, I feel that it's only fair that I should pay you 25% of my bill, yes?
Listen, I understand that things happen. But this problem of not being able to access my internet, which I'm paying quite a bit of money for, has become a problem that's grown from merely annoying, to quite inconvenient, and now absolutely fucking enraging. I have 8 weeks of my class left before graduation. This semester, you have already made me miss giving a presentation for one of my classes, re-write an assignment so that I could submit it from my laptop (since I wrote it on our desktop and couldn't connect to the internet), and travel to Starbucks on a Saturday morning at 8:30am for a group meeting, not to mention countless efforts to get back onto the internet after you've inexplicably kicked me out.
I don't have time for this shit.
Additionally, you provide our cable. Up until about 3 months ago, this wasn't a problem. Recently however, our cable has decided to become temperamental. About three times a week, I turn on the TV and get 30 seconds of black screen, 30 seconds of programming and navigation, and 30 more seconds of black screen, ad infinitum. Fucking annoying. Do you know how long it takes to reset our cable box? Do you have any idea what it's like to live in a house without reliable cable or internet? It can be downright unpleasant. So, you have one more chance to fix this. After Sunday, if my internet isn't as reliable as the sun rising, I will take AT&T up on one of the annoyingly numerous offers they send us every month. U-verse cannot possibly be worse than you are.
Sincerely,
A Very Unhappy Customer
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
and they fly north when winter's done
(Further Seems Forever)
I had dinner with my friend Mel last night. It's been a few weeks since our schedules have worked out and we've been able to see each other. I vented and we talked about all the stuff that's been going on and it made me feel unbelievably better. Isn't it funny? It was the same way after talking to Z on Saturday night. The situation hasn't changed at all, but being around the right people can just change your perspective... or at least commiserate and make you feel less alone in your struggle.
Friendships, like relationships, are never simple. Rarely easy. But totally worth the fuss. I feel profoundly lucky to have so many great people in my life. Being an only child, at least my experience with being an only child, is that you take a long time to feel secure with people. I've had great friends for years now, but I'm not far enough removed from the scared, lonely freshman I was to not continually appreciate how awesome my friends are, how much they make me laugh, and how much they help me.
There's not much point to this post, except to say that my friends continually surprise me. Sometimes in the best possible ways, sometimes not. I'm trying really hard to learn to not take things so personally. What's right for one of us isn't right for all of us and I know that we're all just doing the best we can with what we have. I think that the struggle is from being happy with what you have and wanting your friends to be happy and thus, wanting them to have what you have- even if it's maybe not what they want. Does that make sense? Being friends with someone means that you have to give them room to grow- you have to let them change. And all of this often means biting your tongue, swallowing your pride sometimes, and letting go of old (or new) hurts. I guess it's all part of being an adult and we all know there are some moments when I really struggle with this whole being an adult thing.
But it's so worth it when you have friends who can change your mood in a matter of minutes. Friends that send you Valentines, or-emails with silly pictures in them when you're having a bad day, and bring you soup when you're sick. Friends that celebrate your small victories and help you deal with your big losses. Friends that make you laugh from 800 miles away. Friends that always see the best in you, even when you don't always see it in yourself. Friends that remember when you did that crazy thing and maybe got kicked out of an intramural softball game for it and don't hold it against you. Friends that are there. Just there, regardless of time of day or what's going on in their own lives or how many times they've heard you say all this before.
And I just want to say thank you. Because the past few weeks have been unusually trying for me. And the phone dates and the e-mails and visits and all of it really helped me get over this valley. And I feel lucky to have you.
I had dinner with my friend Mel last night. It's been a few weeks since our schedules have worked out and we've been able to see each other. I vented and we talked about all the stuff that's been going on and it made me feel unbelievably better. Isn't it funny? It was the same way after talking to Z on Saturday night. The situation hasn't changed at all, but being around the right people can just change your perspective... or at least commiserate and make you feel less alone in your struggle.
Friendships, like relationships, are never simple. Rarely easy. But totally worth the fuss. I feel profoundly lucky to have so many great people in my life. Being an only child, at least my experience with being an only child, is that you take a long time to feel secure with people. I've had great friends for years now, but I'm not far enough removed from the scared, lonely freshman I was to not continually appreciate how awesome my friends are, how much they make me laugh, and how much they help me.
There's not much point to this post, except to say that my friends continually surprise me. Sometimes in the best possible ways, sometimes not. I'm trying really hard to learn to not take things so personally. What's right for one of us isn't right for all of us and I know that we're all just doing the best we can with what we have. I think that the struggle is from being happy with what you have and wanting your friends to be happy and thus, wanting them to have what you have- even if it's maybe not what they want. Does that make sense? Being friends with someone means that you have to give them room to grow- you have to let them change. And all of this often means biting your tongue, swallowing your pride sometimes, and letting go of old (or new) hurts. I guess it's all part of being an adult and we all know there are some moments when I really struggle with this whole being an adult thing.
But it's so worth it when you have friends who can change your mood in a matter of minutes. Friends that send you Valentines, or-emails with silly pictures in them when you're having a bad day, and bring you soup when you're sick. Friends that celebrate your small victories and help you deal with your big losses. Friends that make you laugh from 800 miles away. Friends that always see the best in you, even when you don't always see it in yourself. Friends that remember when you did that crazy thing and maybe got kicked out of an intramural softball game for it and don't hold it against you. Friends that are there. Just there, regardless of time of day or what's going on in their own lives or how many times they've heard you say all this before.
And I just want to say thank you. Because the past few weeks have been unusually trying for me. And the phone dates and the e-mails and visits and all of it really helped me get over this valley. And I feel lucky to have you.
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