Sunday, March 23, 2008
hint of suspense when that telephone rings
Today, March 23rd, is my twenty-fourth Birthday. It has not been very good. But, instead of dwelling on that.. I'd like to take a moment to say how thankful I am. To be alive and (relatively) healthy with wonderful friends and family and no reason to think that the future will be anything but wonderful. And, also, because for a reason unbeknownst to me (if you know, clue me in) At the Drive-In uses my Birthday in one of their songs, one of my very favorite songs, "Napoleon Solo". I'd post the lyrics here, but that would be cliched beyond bearing so, either look them up (better yet, download the song) or trust me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Won't you fly high, free bird?
The thing that I love about music is this ability it has to connect to incredibly specific emotions that you have, that you can't necessarily express with words. Much as I love words or writing, a single swell of music can just invoke this instant image.. a sliver of a moment of time or a memory. Of a person or a place or a particular feeling. You can hear a song and it will instantly invoke this image of someone, or someplace, or of this feeling you had.
It doesn't even have to be a song that you particularly like. Stevie Ray Vaughn's "Pride and Joy" is my parents song. I totally respect the man as a musician, but I used to hate listening to this growing up. But, I can hear the opening bars of it now and it reminds me of my Dad sitting at the kitchen table, drinking whiskey and my Mom making dinner in the kitchen and dancing. (Yes, we're Southern and maybe a little bit from the wrong side of the tracks, but so be it.) Every thing's warm and cozy and I'm probably irritated from the song. But, it feels like home and family. And listening to it can instantly transport me to this place and time where I felt like I belonged, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, like I was totally loved.
And other music can just encapsulate an entire period of time.. You can hear something and think, "This. This was Senior Year". (Smashing Pumpkins- "Muzzle") Or this was singing in the car with so and so more times than I can count (Weezer- "My Name is Jonas") or this was the first time.. every time. (Audioslave- "Cochise"). Or it doesn't even have to remind you of something or someone for you to have this intense connection to it. For the things in it that you recognize in yourself or the world.. I'm sure it's the reason why I search people out that feel that way about things too. It's the reason why when you find someone that likes the same thing as you, you feel an instant bond. It's not really about having something in common; it's about being able to be moved by even just a silly little piece of music. And if you're passionate about the same things.. then it's even stronger. For me, it's like that scene in "Almost Famous" (best movie ever) where they're all backstage and Jason Lee is talking about "the buzz". It's about basic human connections.
It's evident that the people that you're with affect the music you listen to. It sounds so obvious, like you get into someone's car or sit in their room and pick up things or become exposed to bands you wouldn't otherwise, but it goes deeper than that. No, your friends don't have to love the same music you do to be your friends. But, the music that someone loves can tell you a lot about who they are, where they've been, what they love. Listening to someone else's music, it's like being able to glimpse a little portion of their history. See into some small corner of their heart that you couldn't otherwise.
Music, like anything you genuinely love, becomes this huge part of who you are. And it can be incredibly wonderful.. Music connects us to each other. To ourselves, even. It can remind us how alike we are, or how wonderfully unique. Hearing the right song in the morning can make you brave enough to face the day when it's the last thing you want to do. Hitting the gas when you're driving, with the windows down, and that certain something comes on can be the best feeling in the world. And, every so often, you catch that song on the radio that you haven't heard in forever and it feels like everything in your life just comes together for a second. I think I can credit music to getting me through some of the hardest of the times in my life. But, it can also be painful.. there are things I couldn't listen to for a long time and things I still can't listen to.. because of who or what they invoke. (Pearl Jam- "Black") But even that is a part of who I am.. something that makes me, well, me.
I've been listening to a lot of music lately. Not just hearing, but actively listening, and it sounds ridiculous.. but I keep finding little pieces of myself in it. Shards of this girl who may not always be brave or good or pretty or enough for herself or anyone else.. but, this girl who at times has been fearless and witty and beautiful and more than enough. I know it sounds unbelievable. But it's healing me. It's reminding me of who I am.. and instead of making me feel the urge to hold on to it all so tightly.. I think it's giving me the courage to let go, to throw it all out to the universe, to just be grateful for being alive in this particular moment.
If you don't get the reference in this title, I am sad and embarrassed for you. Also, don't read my blog anymore. (Just kidding.) This is the song that I want them to play at my wake. This is the song, cliched as it sounds, that makes me feel the youngest and the best and the most at peace in my soul. Other music moves me, disrupts me, makes me laugh at the sheer joy in it, challenges me, makes me cry, speaks to my unhappiness, forces me to get up and dance or makes me think.. The whole myriad of possible emotions. But this one is mine. It doesn't remind me of anyone, it's not my favorite (Stone Temple Pilots- "Big Empty"), and I don't think it's perfect. Ronnie Van Zandt was better on other ones. But, this song is me at 19. Driving too fast down US1 in Sebastian, all the windows in my little Elantra down, middle of March. Perfect blue skies, slightly cooled breeze, and orange blossoms in the air. It was the first time I can ever remember feeling totally content, totally at peace, totally happy in my own skin.
It doesn't even have to be a song that you particularly like. Stevie Ray Vaughn's "Pride and Joy" is my parents song. I totally respect the man as a musician, but I used to hate listening to this growing up. But, I can hear the opening bars of it now and it reminds me of my Dad sitting at the kitchen table, drinking whiskey and my Mom making dinner in the kitchen and dancing. (Yes, we're Southern and maybe a little bit from the wrong side of the tracks, but so be it.) Every thing's warm and cozy and I'm probably irritated from the song. But, it feels like home and family. And listening to it can instantly transport me to this place and time where I felt like I belonged, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, like I was totally loved.
And other music can just encapsulate an entire period of time.. You can hear something and think, "This. This was Senior Year". (Smashing Pumpkins- "Muzzle") Or this was singing in the car with so and so more times than I can count (Weezer- "My Name is Jonas") or this was the first time.. every time. (Audioslave- "Cochise"). Or it doesn't even have to remind you of something or someone for you to have this intense connection to it. For the things in it that you recognize in yourself or the world.. I'm sure it's the reason why I search people out that feel that way about things too. It's the reason why when you find someone that likes the same thing as you, you feel an instant bond. It's not really about having something in common; it's about being able to be moved by even just a silly little piece of music. And if you're passionate about the same things.. then it's even stronger. For me, it's like that scene in "Almost Famous" (best movie ever) where they're all backstage and Jason Lee is talking about "the buzz". It's about basic human connections.
It's evident that the people that you're with affect the music you listen to. It sounds so obvious, like you get into someone's car or sit in their room and pick up things or become exposed to bands you wouldn't otherwise, but it goes deeper than that. No, your friends don't have to love the same music you do to be your friends. But, the music that someone loves can tell you a lot about who they are, where they've been, what they love. Listening to someone else's music, it's like being able to glimpse a little portion of their history. See into some small corner of their heart that you couldn't otherwise.
Music, like anything you genuinely love, becomes this huge part of who you are. And it can be incredibly wonderful.. Music connects us to each other. To ourselves, even. It can remind us how alike we are, or how wonderfully unique. Hearing the right song in the morning can make you brave enough to face the day when it's the last thing you want to do. Hitting the gas when you're driving, with the windows down, and that certain something comes on can be the best feeling in the world. And, every so often, you catch that song on the radio that you haven't heard in forever and it feels like everything in your life just comes together for a second. I think I can credit music to getting me through some of the hardest of the times in my life. But, it can also be painful.. there are things I couldn't listen to for a long time and things I still can't listen to.. because of who or what they invoke. (Pearl Jam- "Black") But even that is a part of who I am.. something that makes me, well, me.
I've been listening to a lot of music lately. Not just hearing, but actively listening, and it sounds ridiculous.. but I keep finding little pieces of myself in it. Shards of this girl who may not always be brave or good or pretty or enough for herself or anyone else.. but, this girl who at times has been fearless and witty and beautiful and more than enough. I know it sounds unbelievable. But it's healing me. It's reminding me of who I am.. and instead of making me feel the urge to hold on to it all so tightly.. I think it's giving me the courage to let go, to throw it all out to the universe, to just be grateful for being alive in this particular moment.
If you don't get the reference in this title, I am sad and embarrassed for you. Also, don't read my blog anymore. (Just kidding.) This is the song that I want them to play at my wake. This is the song, cliched as it sounds, that makes me feel the youngest and the best and the most at peace in my soul. Other music moves me, disrupts me, makes me laugh at the sheer joy in it, challenges me, makes me cry, speaks to my unhappiness, forces me to get up and dance or makes me think.. The whole myriad of possible emotions. But this one is mine. It doesn't remind me of anyone, it's not my favorite (Stone Temple Pilots- "Big Empty"), and I don't think it's perfect. Ronnie Van Zandt was better on other ones. But, this song is me at 19. Driving too fast down US1 in Sebastian, all the windows in my little Elantra down, middle of March. Perfect blue skies, slightly cooled breeze, and orange blossoms in the air. It was the first time I can ever remember feeling totally content, totally at peace, totally happy in my own skin.
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