your voice is never audible beneath the anger in your words

Most people I know are familiar with the far more popular Dashboard Confessional, but before there was Dashboard (of which I am not a huge fan) there was Further Seems Forever. Chris Carrabba is the connection, and I'm muddling this a bit, but basically he was with Further for the album The Moon is Down before leaving to start Dashboard.

The Moon is Down is a fantastic album in its entirety, especially if you enjoy the slightly screamo, emo, or other teenage based angst punk-pop that came out of the late 90s. In all seriousness though, this is one of those albums that really stuck with me. Lyrics wise it can't be beat.. like this line from "The Bradley", "These bonds were always fake, crafted for safety's sake. But pasted wings, and foil rings, do not an angel make." Or, this one from "Snowbirds and Townies", "And on these boats, ride the hopes of working class boys, dreaming of girls, from far away points. And better things. Like winter flings. And longing after spring has sprung. And they fly north when winter's done. And we get burned in summer's sun."

I love it when lyrics can really make you feel a part of a scene. "Snowbirds and Townies" feels like deserted beach town, post tourist season, slightly threadbare but still beautiful. Fading carnival lights. And Chris Carrabba's voice is perfectly matched for the lyrics. At times angry, wistful, forlorn, hopeful. It's a really good album to sing along with. And you know I'm a huge fan of that.

it's as simple as something that nobody knows

I don't know how to say this. I had a friend pass away over the week-end. I hesitate to even write this, because we certainly weren't close, and I feel like it's not within my rights to say anything at all when he was loved by so many people that knew him so much better than I did. Gary was my best friend's ex-boyfriend and a dear friend's fraternity little brother and beyond that, he was just someone that I was happy to run into all the time. Still, knowing someone for so long.. someone that had such a great smile and so much left to give. I'd feel remiss not saying how sorry I am, how sad I am, and how much he'll be missed by everyone that knew him.

Gary was a huge Journey fan and I'm pretty sure that I'll never listen to them again with thinking of him. Listen to their Greatest Hits album today. It'll be on repeat on my iPod for quite some time. Also, in honor of Gary, I downloaded my first Jack Johnson song today. "Bubble Toes".

I wish I could say more, but I just can't.

close my eyes just to look at you

I have sat down to write this entry so many times. Something that is whole and real and not just a piece of the picture. Something about the music that moves me, really moves me, that fortifies me and pierces whatever facade I've erected for the moment. The music that keeps me driving around in my car late at night, no matter how tired I am or what the day has put me through, because I have to keep listening. The music in that moment, I swear, is healing me.

Yet, lately, I am finding that there will always be more to say. That whatever I write can't really convey what the song or the album or the band makes me feel. And I keep writing anyway, however poor or inadequate it is, because I keep hoping that in bits and pieces it will all snap together. That maybe I can't prove myself at first glance, but that time will show and tell what my little rants and tangents and fumblings can't.

I am discovering that I may love the music so very much that I seek out other people that do, to the point of ignoring their less fine qualities because I believe that if they feel it too, then they can't really be the way that their actions clearly show they are. I keep wanting them to live up to their potential, to be the people that I know they can be. The music isn't everything, you know? I am more than aware that people can be wonderful, passionate people who may just not love my particular taste in music. I look past that. You don't have to love my music for me to love you. It's much more important to be passionate about anything at all. And yet.. I keep reaching out. Across that divide. Yearning for that connection with someone who just gets it.

Maybe it's a blessing then, that so very few people love A Perfect Circle the way that I do. Much can be said about the individual members, and their talent and charisma and even just how damn beautiful the music is. The opening bars of "The Hollow" make me pause every time, "Brena" is heartbreaking, "The Noose" is perfection, "Magdalena" has been, at least at some point, a mantra of mine, "Thinking of You".. makes me fucking blush and "Three Libras". Oh. God. There aren't words. I could say something epically personal about everything they have ever produced. This is why it's hard for me to say much of anything about them, because it's simply too revealing. I identify with so much in the lyrics and the music.. talking about it is too much of a risk, it fills such a large piece of my heart, and I'm afraid to expose too much of me in the process.

And. Yet.

APC is what I reach for when something terrible happens. When I have lost my faith in everyone around me, A Perfect Circle is what I need to hear. It makes me feel whole. Complete. Like there's nothing else in the world that I could possibly need in that moment. Because the whole point is being. Just being. In that second. That no matter what the pain or what the cause, simply being able to breathe, to listen, is beautiful.

When I am lucky enough to have those beautiful moments, again, I reach for A Perfect Circle. Not because I need it.. but because I can hear the music differently when I'm happy and at peace. I can appreciate how necessary each piece is to the intricate whole and yet, how incomplete they are without one another. And it makes me appreciate all of it.. the good, the bad, the mundane. Because it's mine.

from this Texas breath exhaled

I will return soon, promise.