But it gets to a point, long after the moment where you're ok and over it and doing just fine, when you suddenly realize that you're still all kinds of defensive about the most mundane of decisions you've made. Which can only make you think that perhaps you can no longer blame this feeling on other people. It's hard to let go of- that need to justify yourself, to ward off confrontation or opposition. That need to prep yourself before every conversation- armed with evidence that you are sane, you have thought this through, and that everything is going to be great. Except, how often is anyone completely sure of anything?
The worst part for me, is that I feel like I can't ever express any doubts or questions about this path that I'm on. It's inexplicably hard to fall down so hard in front of everyone. After battling for so long to prove just how capable and rational I am, I'm finding it hard to put myself in any vulnerable position. Especially if I think it'll in any way discredit all the progress I've made. I just feel like I'm always trying to catch up with myself. The whole experience just created this rift. Rifts. And I'm a little in awe that this long after the fact, I still spend a lot of time trying to "fix" it all. And the guilt and the stress is a huge weight.
So, the reason you're here. The music, right? Occasionally, when this weight becomes too much to handle, I feel this overwhelming urge to wreck everything and just disappear into the night for a bit. Always with the intention of returning, of course. I never do. My recklessness is usually confined to bouts of verbiage online, long drives at night (which are now not an option) and the occasional too many shot night that ends with me puking on my own feet. But recently, mostly verbiage. I don't have the stomach for the alcohol or the mentality anymore.
This song by MGMT sums that feeling up so much better than I have ever been able to. If everything is hopeless anyway, then we might as well have fun, right? I think that for a long time there was this glamour attached to that attitude- this is our decision, to live fast and die young- and now we're in this postmodernish interpretation of that. Is there anything my generation loves more than irony? Maybe snark. "Time to Pretend" sounds like an entire episode of Skins- it's all dance beats and apathetic lyrics. The perfect song to dance it all away to.
The worst part for me, is that I feel like I can't ever express any doubts or questions about this path that I'm on. It's inexplicably hard to fall down so hard in front of everyone. After battling for so long to prove just how capable and rational I am, I'm finding it hard to put myself in any vulnerable position. Especially if I think it'll in any way discredit all the progress I've made. I just feel like I'm always trying to catch up with myself. The whole experience just created this rift. Rifts. And I'm a little in awe that this long after the fact, I still spend a lot of time trying to "fix" it all. And the guilt and the stress is a huge weight.
So, the reason you're here. The music, right? Occasionally, when this weight becomes too much to handle, I feel this overwhelming urge to wreck everything and just disappear into the night for a bit. Always with the intention of returning, of course. I never do. My recklessness is usually confined to bouts of verbiage online, long drives at night (which are now not an option) and the occasional too many shot night that ends with me puking on my own feet. But recently, mostly verbiage. I don't have the stomach for the alcohol or the mentality anymore.
This song by MGMT sums that feeling up so much better than I have ever been able to. If everything is hopeless anyway, then we might as well have fun, right? I think that for a long time there was this glamour attached to that attitude- this is our decision, to live fast and die young- and now we're in this postmodernish interpretation of that. Is there anything my generation loves more than irony? Maybe snark. "Time to Pretend" sounds like an entire episode of Skins- it's all dance beats and apathetic lyrics. The perfect song to dance it all away to.
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2 comments:
Ohhh, my goodness. What an awesome post. (Side note: I think I have a new crush on your blog.) Most especially:
"It's inexplicably hard to fall down so hard in front of everyone."
I couldn't agree more. For me, after I'd picked myself up from the fall, I learned that I couldn't care about assuring others or "proving" to others that I was capable, stronger, fully prepared to make good and healthy decisions, even if people didn't fully agree with my choices. I could only focus on proving MYSELF that I could do XX, I could move beyond XX, I could let go of XX, I could be happy again.
And once you're convinced and confident in your proof, others will be, too.
That's so nice! I'm glad you're enjoying my blog as much as I'm enjoying yours!
You're totally right, too. Proving things to myself has been oddly stranger than proving them to other people, though. I think my faith in other people just took a serious hit from the whole situation. I'm working on it.
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