I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear.

I love 80's music so it's sort of a wonder that I never really listened to The Smiths before this year. (Depeche Mode and The Cure got to me first, I guess.) Shar and I drove to Philadelphia right after we got up here in August and it was the first time I ever really listened to them- except for the theme song from Charmed, of course. In the car with Jimmy a few weeks ago, I kept cycling through his collection of The Smiths and Morrissey, trying to figure out which song it was that I liked so much.

It's "This Charming Man" by The Smiths. Off the album, The Smiths. Googling this song actually provides a fair amount of interesting history about it. It was written by Morrissey and guitarist Johnny Marr. And those lyrics. Well, I'm not sure if you'd get all this just from listening to what the song says -though it is unabashedly and thrillingly homoerotic- but apparently Morrissey based it on feeling detached. He also used deliberately archaic language in the lyrics- it works. It really does give you this sense of being very English- not British- and I also think that it invokes clear and precise imagery. I love that Morrissey is deliberately ambiguous and lets you draw your own conclusions about so much.

Ok, so as not to completely bore you with the whole behind the music thing, I'll tell you why I like it. It's jangly and fun but also subversive. Morrissey, if you haven't heard him, has the most distinctive British melodic voice. It's utterly entrancing and completely absorbing and it should completely clash with the style of the guitar and the music on this song, but for some reason it all just sort of works together. He sounds hesitant and yet, utterly fascinated and completely intrigued. The song itself is flirtatious. I think that it's rare for artists, writers, musicians to be able to completely show you the whole picture while telling you so very little. And Morrissey doesn't waste a single breath explaining anything to you- he knows he doesn't have to. The music, the sparse lyrics, the whole picture speaks for itself.

cheap imitations, the revelation is out

Counting every minute till the feeling comes crashing down
Run when it hits the ground

I'm actually a little surprised that it's taken me this long to get to this one. I love the Foo Fighters. Certainly more their early stuff than anything since One by One, but I still enjoy all of it. They are one of the few bands that I actually try to follow. I actually own all their albums, but I have to say that this is my favorite one- There is Nothing Left to Lose. I got it sophomore or junior year of high school and I know every song on the whole thing, probably backwards and forwards. I don't think it was very well received and it certainly lacks that perfect radio single but, you know, they were coming off of the success of The Colour and the Shape, which is probably their most well known stuff so that's a hard follow up.

Foo Fighters were going in a really direction with the sound here- Grohl is softer on this album than their first two. After the first few songs, which are good- don't get me wrong, they really hit this groove. This is one of the few albums that I can listen to over and over again all the way through. The songs don't all sound exactly alike, but they match. The album is cohesive in a way that few artists today really bother with. Besides that, the whole album is about breaking away, facing your fears, and coming back down (or back home) a changed person. Better for the experience. Listen to "Live-In Skin" and try to tell me that you've never felt that way before. I think we all have.

My absolute favorite track on There is Nothing Left to Lost is "M.I.A." Its the last song and it is the perfect song to end things. I love how on that beginning in particular, he sounds so far away. I love the push and pull between the guitar and the base, but the drums are really the unsung hero on this track. They really keep the whole song together. They might not be driving or especially prolific (I won't lie, I don't even know who was playing drums for Foo Fighters on this album.) But when they kick in, you can totally feel it. And the last few beats of the song, when they linger, its the perfect way to end things.

This music is what drives me keep hitting repeat or keep driving around in circles. It builds and builds and the way it makes me feel is so hypnotic, so addictive, that I feel like I can't possibly bear it. I need air or to move or to drive because there isn't a way to simply sit and be still with it. And maybe it's because I only seem to let go of the reins when things are truly out of control, but this song reminds me of a thousand bad moments in the past 10 years. More than that, it has always made me feel above the fray, able to overcome it, even if it meant blowing everything up in the process. In case you haven't noticed, I am very big on scrapping things and starting over. Problem is, it's all talk. I know few people that hang in there for rock bottom the way I do. For all the times I thought I maybe wouldn't make it out the other side of the tunnel, I never felt that way when this was playing.


Getting lost in you again is better than being numb


I have been lured in so many times by the promise of someone who loves the same music I do. The number one most attractive trait I find in another person is their taste in music. It's so sad, but it is what it is. And it's burned me repeatedly. Oh sure, it also hasn't- see JLM and MIA. But when it has, it's been bad. I thought a mutual connection with the music meant an automatic connection between us. I mean, how bad can you be if you sing "This Velvet Glove" (by RHCP) in the car with me? (Answer: Not good enough.) I love that feeling of introducing someone to something or singing the same song or being in a crowd of people and sharing that same thought when a song comes on.

Music is the only thing I have ever been confident in my stance on. It's not that I think I know everything or that my taste is the best or that you don't have any if you don't like what I do. It's just that I know when something clicks with me and up until a few months ago, I always put that part of me out there. And then, I guess I got scared and decided to stop sharing so much, to stop putting so much faith in the music, and to stop building connections in my head based on my perceptions of someones taste in music.

I never could face you down

Maybe that is one of the reasons why at times I have felt extra lost in this new city. It isn't just the absence of the music itself, its that feeling you get when you're with other people that get it. I've been listening to lots and lots of new and only just the teeniest bit of the old. Of the well worn and familiar. That's the thing about leaving, you know. You don't just leave the bad, you leave all the good, too. I'm still trying to get that balance. And the more I trust myself, the more I start to trust everyone else again, too. And the more and more music I can listen to, regardless of who or what it reminds me of.


But at the end of the day, this is my song. One of those rare uninfluenced music decisions I made all on my own. It doesn't remind me of anyone except, well, myself. It seems an odd thing to be nostalgic about, I guess. All this time that I have spent being such a good, good girl and maybe I should finally admit that I like things messy. Gloriously messy and wild and while there are a lot of things I do not miss about many past moments, I miss miss miss being the very best version of me. I miss the challenge. And I miss those moments when all the little pieces click together and I can feel the grin on my face and I know exactly what it is you're seeing- because it's what I'm showing you.


Call and I'll answer
At home in the lost and found
You say that I'm much too proud
Someone who's taken pleasure in breaking down

Shake the devil when he misbehaves.

I still wake up a lot of days and try to figure out what it is, precisely, that I have to face down. It's not that I'm necessarily looking for a reason to be upset. It's just that I want to be aware of whatever the universe is throwing at me. It's part of that self-induced torture brought on by the great fall from grace of 2007 that hasn't really left me yet. Mornings are often one of my favorite parts of a day but, they are also part of an almost constant battle with myself. To not give in- to the stress, to the worries, to the doubts, and to the fears and to all those little what-ifs.

And you know what really helps? Billy Idol. Swear to God. Ok, really. You might not be super proud to admit it but, how can you not love Billy Idol? Just a little bit? That bleach blond hair and that signature sneer? The pleather? The punk for the masses? His music just makes me want to get up and dance. It's sort of impossible not to. It's like a condensed version of everything that was both awesome and terrible about the 80's. Which is why I frequently put him on my iPod to wake up to in the morning. A little "Rebel Yell", a little "Cradle of Love" and suddenly the day doesn't seem so bad. His voice is smooth and confident and sexy and all of his songs are relatively lighthearted, fun, and upbeat.

Try it, you might surprise yourself. At the very least go watch the video for "Cradle of Love". You might develop a bit of crush on Mr. Idol, too. Or at least an overwhelming desire to put on some lace gloves and flip your hair around incessantly. Girls, anyway. I'm not sure I want to know what latent desires Billy Idol brings out in boys. Maybe the need to hunt down some safety pins and speak with the best Brit accent ever.

(Welcome to Part I in a three part series in which I discuss my three favorite rockers named Billy. More to come.)

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.

One of the things that really sucks about coming up from of a year or so of unwise decisions- besides the obvious emotional wreckage- is that everyone, and I mean everyone, questions your judgment. Worse than that, they suddenly start feeling the need to comment on your any and every decision. Don't get me wrong, I understand that all this concern stems from a good place. Your friends and family don't want to see you get hurt or go down a path that isn't healthy or right for you.

But it gets to a point, long after the moment where you're ok and over it and doing just fine, when you suddenly realize that you're still all kinds of defensive about the most mundane of decisions you've made. Which can only make you think that perhaps you can no longer blame this feeling on other people. It's hard to let go of- that need to justify yourself, to ward off confrontation or opposition. That need to prep yourself before every conversation- armed with evidence that you are sane, you have thought this through, and that everything is going to be great. Except, how often is anyone completely sure of anything?

The worst part for me, is that I feel like I can't ever express any doubts or questions about this path that I'm on. It's inexplicably hard to fall down so hard in front of everyone. After battling for so long to prove just how capable and rational I am, I'm finding it hard to put myself in any vulnerable position. Especially if I think it'll in any way discredit all the progress I've made. I just feel like I'm always trying to catch up with myself. The whole experience just created this rift. Rifts. And I'm a little in awe that this long after the fact, I still spend a lot of time trying to "fix" it all. And the guilt and the stress is a huge weight.

So, the reason you're here. The music, right? Occasionally, when this weight becomes too much to handle, I feel this overwhelming urge to wreck everything and just disappear into the night for a bit. Always with the intention of returning, of course. I never do. My recklessness is usually confined to bouts of verbiage online, long drives at night (which are now not an option) and the occasional too many shot night that ends with me puking on my own feet. But recently, mostly verbiage. I don't have the stomach for the alcohol or the mentality anymore.

This song by MGMT sums that feeling up so much better than I have ever been able to. If everything is hopeless anyway, then we might as well have fun, right? I think that for a long time there was this glamour attached to that attitude- this is our decision, to live fast and die young- and now we're in this postmodernish interpretation of that. Is there anything my generation loves more than irony? Maybe snark. "Time to Pretend" sounds like an entire episode of Skins- it's all dance beats and apathetic lyrics. The perfect song to dance it all away to.

if they thought of rain

If you don't recognize the above lyric as being "Sweet Child O' Mine" then you can go ahead and just stop reading this blog right now. I adore Guns N' Roses. I adore Axl Rose and if I had been born in 1968 instead of 1984, I would surely have been a late '80's groupie just for him. I was all of four years old the first time I can remember hearing this and my love has not diminished over the past 21 years. Not a bit.

My Dad had this album on vinyl. I remember sneaking peaks at the really disturbing liner art when I was, like, five. And I remember him coming home from work and singing this song to my Mom. Appetite for Destruction is one of those very basic, quintessential albums that you have to listen to if you love rock, even if you don't like GNR. Though, if you really don't like GNR, don't tell me. 'Cause we can't be friends anymore. And I'm only sort of joking.

In middle school, my favorite song off of it was "Paradise City", and in High School it was, "My Michelle"(I loved trying to shock people; listening to this too loudly was my lame attempt at rebellion. Though, against the establishment, not my parents- who, to their credit, never censored anything I listened to.) And in undergrad it was, "Think About You". One time, after an embarrassingly low amount of alcohol, I was prompted (goaded) by JLM into performing the little head, side slide shuffle dance in public. It wasn't my proudest moment. Lately though, I keep hearing "Sweet Child O'Mine" and I realize, all over again, how epic it is. How pure and raw and honest. And I'm still angry that Sheryl Crow butchered this song in her version a few years ago.

They simply don't make guitar solos like this one anymore. They don't make bands like this anymore. They don't make rock stars ... anymore. For whatever may have become of them, when Guns N' Roses pounded onto the L.A. scene in 1985 they were just. so. badass. You don't get angrier than Axl, or cooler than Slash, or as stoned as Duff and Izzy. You just don't.

In the past few years, I have gobbled up any and all information I can get my hands on about the band, about the meanings behind the songs, about the drama and the whole crazy ride. Did you know that Axl Rose is the only one of the band members not to have attended rehab? That the original Robert Williams cover art (the one that was in the liner notes on my Dad's album) is on the Gold and Platinum versions of the album? That Slash hates this song?

Which is probably why they didn't play it when I saw Velvet Revolver in 2006. All of the band members own the rights to the songs (for both Guns N' Roses and Stone Temple Pilots) so they played a few GNR songs (and a few STP ones), including Mr. Brownstone. I'm pretty sure I was the only person under the age of 25 there that knew all the words. The battle for my heart continually rages between Scott Weiland and Axl Rose (circa 1988).

It actually breaks my heart to see Rose on appearances lately. My Dad, in his infinite coolness, actually downloaded Chinese Democracy before I did. It's not bad. It's just that GNR peaked with Appetite for Destruction and even though I do love "November Rain" and "Patience", most everything else they've ever done is a disappointment.

And yes. I can totally still do the slide shuffle dance. But, I only do it alone in my room now.

And not to pull your halo down, around your neck, and tug you off your cloud

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're planning to go about making your amends

To the dead

This song reminds me of oh so much about sophomore year of college. The day this album came out, I skipped class to go buy it. A Perfect Circle. "The Noose" off of the album Thirteenth Step. Little did I know that it would be the last "real" album they would come out with... eMotive and aMotion don't really qualify to me. Concept albums are nice and all, and I even appreciate some of the covers that APC did, but that album is more political statement than it is art form. Thirteenth Step does not share the place in my heart that Mer de Noms does. It can't... it's like being in love for the first time. You don't ever really recapture that experience, even if subsequent loves are sweeter than the first.

Yet, for as fond as I am of my first love (both musically and literally- JLM is one of my very best friends and my love for A Perfect Circle and their first mesmerizing album should both be credited to him) there is surely something to be said for sophomore efforts. That first time I fell apart so completely was unlike anything I had ever experienced and I utterly reveled in my fall from grace. Pulling myself back up from the bottom was not nearly as much fun. And, I guess, like your first love, nothing compares to that first taste of heartbreak. They say you never feel as alive as you do when you're heart is breaking, but subsequent broken hearts have been bloodier and left me something more akin to half-dead than fully alive. 

Ahem. Since I have strayed so very far from my point- that first fall was terrible, but I didn't prostrate myself on rock bottom and refuse to get up. It didn't leave me doubting myself or him or love or my ability to recover. Not that I dealt with it in the healthiest possible way... but I think that it allowed me some room to explore, to discover things about the world, to find out things about myself. Places that I wanted to go- and ultimately, places that I didn't. I indulged my bad side, played with a lot of fire, and managed to emerge relatively unscathed. 

And some really positive things came out of that time in my life, too. I got a lot of partying out of my system and though I met a lot of really unsavory people- I made some pretty amazing friends too. I've been lucky enough or blessed enough that many of them have lasted, even as our circumstances have changed. Some of us bonded over heartbreak, or shared circumstances, or shots of SoCo and lime. And some of us, well we bonded over a mutual infatuation with Maynard James Keenan and songs like this. Songs that are just begging to be played with the lights off. 

From the first time I heard "The Noose", I thought it sounded like it belonged in a great movie sex scene (that would of course have some tragic ending). Billy Howardel always said that he composed music with soundtracks in mind. Looking back, that's how I see it. On a reel. Missing moments. In shades of grey. Romanticized. Like it was never me or never real. To me, that's how A Perfect Circle has always sounded. Like the soundtrack that undercuts everything, the music that's constantly playing in the background. Even when it's understated- it continually distracts you from whatever is going on in the scene. So, I wonder... Did the music make us or did it overshadow us?

Increasingly more on my mind lately, does it overshadow me? When you make something outside of your control such a big part of your identity... how do you remember who you are beneath it? Where you start and it stops? How do you figure out how to connect with other people? Especially with people that don't feel that way? Or people that you don't share circumstances with? I don't look back and wish for things that aren't or never were. Part of me is just grateful that I ever met someone that sees through the fumbling lack of eloquence and understands the emotion that drives it. That we still share that, regardless of all the other changes. Still, this song will always remind me of that fall and of the person that I was then. And it makes me wonder about how much I've changed and what that means. Are you only ever sure of your place in retrospect?

When I wonder who I am lately, or when I feel completely disconnected- this is what I want to hear. It isn't just that A Perfect Circle is so adept at appeasing overwhelming emotion. It's that it reminds me of me. Of how I can be when I'm not worried about trying to be the right person with the right response for every situation. Because if there is anything I should have learned from that fall it's  that just when I think I've got it figured out- something happens to show me that there is so much left to discover, examine, and learn. And maybe I should stop being so afraid of that- of the changes. The changes in me, the changes in other people, the changes that life throws at you almost constantly. 

Although, "The Noose" is always there to remind me that you can't run from your past or your problems. Not that I think that I've changed unrecognizably. But it does seem like all my same old fears- of change, of growing apart, of leaving or being left- and especially my social anxiety, has been frequently and needlessly indulged the past few months. I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice or saying the wrong thing that I end up not doing or saying anything. That fall, I jumped in headfirst, completely heedless of obstacles or potential disasters or rocks. And though I don't think wholeheartedly embracing that mentality is a great idea, I do think that I'd like to be just a little bit more like that girl I was then. The one that never thought to worry about the music overshadowing her.

right where you're standing

The internship I have right now is amazing. And not simply amazing- life-altering, eye-opening, career-changing. I mean, sure, work is work sometimes but eight months later and I still feel profoundly lucky to be here. The internship is in a branch of the collections department in a very well respected and prominent national museum here in D.C. and it's opened my eyes to all sides of human nature. The profoundly good and the profoundly bad. 

At times, it's been really overwhelming. But, it's also been rewarding in a way that has nothing to do with how amazing it looks on my resume. It's changed me, intrinsically. It's not that I think I was ever a bad person and I'm sure that the past few months have not been me at my finest by any stretch of the imagination. But, being here and seeing these things makes me want to be a better person- in a way that effects more than just the people I immediately come in contact with. I want to make information and evidence more accessible for everyone. I want to be vocal about standing up for what I think is right- and what I think is wrong. And I have this experience to thank for that.

My boyfriend put this song on a mix CD he made for me at Christmas and I swear, the first five times I heard it, I only heard the falling in love part and completely missed that it's about the Holocaust. The band is Say Anything, which is all him and not something I would have listened to before. I tried some of their other stuff out after hearing this song, but none of it has the effect on me that this one does. It's the song "Alive With the Glory of Love" off the album ...Is a Real Boy. Ignore the cheesy song title and actually listen to the song, please. 

Max Bemis wrote the song based on his grandparents real life experience during the Holocaust. It perfectly encapsulates both the way I think love should be and isn't often enough and the way I feel about showing people what's out there- the human experience. How hope really does spring eternal... and how such goodness can come out of such awfulness. I think the song is made better because of contrast between the upbeat atmosphere projected by the music and the reality of the lyrics. It really sneaks up on you... and it takes you someplace completely unexpected.

This song needs air, deserves air. I can see myself, less than two months from now, restless. Driving around at 1:00 in the morning, this song on loud, hot Florida air floating through. And I can't wait. To feel alive like this.

I'll dream about you
I will not doubt you
With the passing of time

Too many eyes to see for me, only yours to cry on my ashes.

I don't have time to write a real post today- when do I ever- but I thought I would start just letting you guys (all four of you) know what I'm listening to. Since the very act of me being engaged in anything lately is worth blogging about. "Sometimes in the Fall" off of It's Never Been Like That by Phoenix has been played about five times in a row on my iTunes today. Blame Jimmy. This song is so good. It's got this constant back beat and Thomas Mars really creates the whole rise and fall of the song with his vocals. And the lyrics.. oh. They are perfection.

And it goes on and on and on, it's everlasting

It's always the same when you're next to me

Sometimes in the fall, fall, fall

There'll be nothing to keep me away

hung down with the freaks and goons

I love you Billy Corgan. But the Smashing Pumpkins won't be the same without Jimmy Chamberlin.

And I'll be anything you ask and more.

You can clearly see how influenced my music is by who I'm hanging out with. Or who's car I'm riding in. Jimmy was playing this band, Phoenix, the other day and for once, I fell in love on contact. It was cemented by catching them on SNL the other night. It's so... happy and catchy and it just makes you want to positively move. I really like the lead singers voice, and the lyrics, and the building and the layers and just about everything about it. How's that for some positive endorsement?

The song "1901" was one of the ones they played on SNL. And, wonder of wonders, it's actually off of their new album! (Are you mildly impressed with me? Since I always listen to things long after they were cool.) Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, which isn't even released until May. I highly recommend you go out and get it, it's positively infectious. And highly danceable. And I'm sure that it will forever remind me of Jimmy and this year in this city and lots of driving around in the lights of it all.

Can I get a witness?

Ok, so. I finally downloaded some Puscifer the other day. I want to like it so badly. Maynard sounds so sexy on "Queen B". That song in particular actually reminds me of some of the less lyrically centric tracks on Thirteenth Step. And I really appreciate his sense of humor. And I don't mind the techno. Really. I just. I don't know. It's just not what I was expecting, which I'm sure was the point. Maybe it will grow on me? Someone help me out, clue me in to what I'm missing. Which songs should I be listening to in particular?

Crash and burn, all the stars explode tonight.

I'll be the first one to say that I've never been the biggest fan of Courtney Love. She's not an easy to person to like. I do think that she gets unfairly slammed for her involvement with Kurt Cobain and I really think it's one of the reasons why her career has had the trajectory it has. While she has her fans, to be sure, she will always be known as Kurt Cobain's widow and that completely overshadows anything she does that might actually be, like, good.

And I'm sure that Billy Corgan would not be involved with her were she not actually talented. At least a little bit. I don't believe that he wrote her songs. He's too.. he's too Billy Corgan to not take credit for something rightfully his. While her personal life is an unholy mess and she does a great job of embarrassing herself in public on a regular basis (and just when you think she's gotten cleaned up) every so often I hear something that she's involved with or see a movie with her in it and it's like you don't even see the mess that is Courtney Love. She does this really great job of conveying particular emotions and she's not afraid of being vulnerable and there's something admirable about that, regardless how you feel about her as a person.

On a whim the other day (my little sister sent me an iTunes gift card for my Birthday) I download the song "Malibu" off of Celebrity Skin. I think this is one of the songs where you can really hear how talented she actually is. When she sings, you feel everything that she says... the anguish, the hope, the resignation, the anger and the blame. All of it. It's like she goes through all five stages of grief in less than four minutes. And if Billy Corgan wrote it, as some have suggested, then. He wrote a damn good song about watching someone absolutely implode. How'd you get so burned when you're barely on fire?

I think that music is missing more Courtney Loves... I've said this before but, the mid-90's really had so many options for female musicians, be they vocalists or otherwise. They were tough, they might have been bitches, but they totally owned it. I never realized how empowering that was until I realized how few counterparts we have to that now. Not to say that Courtney Love is any great role model. But, would a man in her position have been as crucified as she has? No. And in the long run, I think music is better off for having had Shirley Manson and Courtney Love and Liz Phair.