well I don't know if this is living or just something to do

(Fight From Above)

I've been listening to two bands a lot lately, one because they turn quite the pretty phrase (Fight From Above) and one because even though their lyrics often make zero sense, the lead singer has the kind of voice that it doesn't really matter what he's saying (Kings of Leon). I do this, I get stuck on a particular song for days or weeks or even hours. I used to get so restless that I would drive in circles at insane hours of the night just hitting repeat. Later when I moved to DC and that wasn't an option, I would blog and listen to the same thing over and over.

Sometimes there's no how or why- something just sticks in my head, even only part of a song, an intro or a riff, and I have to hear it. Over and over until I'm totally sick of it. Other times, a particular phrase will catch me, right in the gut. It's just so true to a moment or a feeling and it feels so completely real. Like the universe is all aligned or some shit. Except that it often happens at the worst possible of times. It's ironic, it makes me feel like I'm laughing at some great cosmic joke- even if it's on me.

But the driving, the music on repeat, it's soothing. The feeling is familiar and it makes whatever else is running around in my head clearer. The driving, the music, it's all about focus. And that leaves little room for excess garbage. You can't tell from this post, but the driving helped unwind me tonight.

I just feel like maybe I'm rushing everything. Like maybe I feel so old because I'm trying so hard to get it right. What does it say about me that being in pain allowed me to be reckless- that being reckless made me feel free and wild and alive? I don't want the things I used to want, don't get satisfaction from the things I used to, and I'm feeling the weight of this huge transition that's been taking place for the past two years. I am just so so tired so so often. And I just want to hit pause and figure out how to move forward before my youth is completely gone. I suddenly feel like I have to figure out everything right now. Because I don't want what I wanted before but I want to feel the way that I did when I did. I don't miss the heartache or the shitty people or the alcoholic haze or any of the regret. But I miss my friends and I miss feeling a part of something and I miss just driving in the car and feeling like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to. Because I don't know how to be, just be, now.