when push comes to pull comes to shove

(A Perfect Circle)

Sometimes I put shuffle on my iPod and I get nothing that I want to hear. And then sometimes, it's like a playlist that was built specifically for how I'm feeling. The weather has been grey and rainy for going on three days now. I'm frazzled and numb all at once and I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts out coherently. Today, my iPod spit this out at me... and it was perfect:

- "Alive with the Glory of Love" by Say Anything
- "The Funeral" by Band of Horses
- "Big Empty" by Stone Temple Pilots
- "Rose" by A Perfect Circle
- "1979" by Smashing Pumpkins
- "What Ever Happened" by the Strokes

They're all songs that I feel really connected with, songs that hit you right in the heart when you hear them. And I needed that today. I haven't been writing because I'm too overwhelmed with life right now and I hate reading back over old entries and sounding whiny or bitchy or ungrateful. I'm not unhappy, I just have a lot of shit of going on. I have plans every week-end from now until October.

Plus, in the past month, we've booked our DJ (the awesome guy that hosts live trivia every week. we're doing a mini trivia session during the reception), our day of coordinator, our photographers (who I love and secretly hope we'll end up being friends with) and had our first meeting with the caterer. Dress shopping with my Mom didn't go so well. It was overwhelming, no one had what I wanted, I didn't get emotional, the girl at Priscilla of Boston was way too pushy and it wasn't the shopping for my wedding dress experience that I wanted to have. Even though it can't be epically stressful- I really do freakin' love being a bride.

And... My best friend gets here on Friday and I just really need to see her and talk and get pedicures and eat carbs. Also this week? I started the fall semester for my grad program... three classes a week, all of which I'm super excited about, all of which will require a ton of focus, commitment and work. I also start my assistantship this week... And I have a third interview with a small academic library. With the president of the college. Last week, I had a three hour interview there... which went great, but made me feel totally exhausted. The experience would be amazing and the extra cash would be fantastic for our wedding fund.

And listing all this? Doesn't really clue you in to how I'm feeling or what I'm doing at all, huh? I'm relieved that we've gotten so much done for the wedding already and I'm glad that I started so early. I did a ton of research and I feel confident and happy about everything we've decided and booked. I've gotten a lot of ideas for the wedding and I'm excited about planning some of the more personal and fun stuff. That being said, I feel like my brain is oversaturated with lace and tulle and peonies and tons and tons of wedding crap. There is so much detail involved that it's easy to feel like you're drowning. I need a break so that I can come back and look at all this stuff with a fresh eye.

I'm excited for all the plans that we have for fall... seeing Z this week-end, Amelia Island with J, going to Atlanta to see Winnie, our girls trip to Myrtle Beach... and mostly, and I never thought I'd say this, I'm just excited for fall. This summer has been long and hot and I'm ready for a change. I'm excited to spend the holidays with our families, for some cooler weather, for long walks in the morning with Sam that don't leave both of us panting, for pumpkin spice lattes and cardigans. I am not looking forward to buying new jeans, which I desperately need.

I haven't gained any weight since I last mentioned it, but I also haven't gone to the gym in a month... so I've lost some muscle mass and probably replaced it with flab. I went five days with no sugar a few weeks ago, which tightened up my abs, but also made me angry and hateful at the world. I'm trying to strike a balance with this whole diet and exercise thing. I don't want to feel like I'm punishing myself. I don't want to look in the mirror- at my totally normal and relatively healthy body- and beat myself up. I don't want to deny myself. Life is too effing short to diet. I just want to feel healthy and have energy and feel like through diet and exercise I'm taking care of myself. The whole meal planning, being an adult, gym thing... it's a struggle for me and I'm still trying to figure out how to tackle it. But, I did just buy new running shoes so there's some motivation to move about at least.

School is school and work is work and change is change. J and I just celebrated our two year anniversary. This is the first time I've reached this milestone with someone and I haven't had a foot out the door. We are a work in progress, much like our house, and this life but we are really building something here. I feel like a work in progress a lot lately. Balance and stability are two things that I desperately need but that I have a really hard time finding.

And that, in a nutshell, is why I haven't been here. Because I've been out living and working on things. But you mustn't think that I haven't thought about you, dear little blog. As a matter of fact, I am trying to find a way to work in some new features on here... For one, I consume a ton of books, tv, movies, pop culture and random facts everyday and I'd like to find a way to share my favorites with you... in a non-list format. Two, I have this really great camera... that I sort of don't use often enough... and some blog related motivation might fix that. I'm striving to be better in so many ways. Being more present on here is definitely on the list.