one baby to another said, i'm lucky to have met you

(Nirvana)

It's a beautiful day in Central Florida. It's sunny and clear... somewhere around 60 degrees. I'm  taking advantage of the mild coolness and wearing boots. Black flat knee boots, patterned tights, a cord mini, j.crew double layer tissue tees, and my absolute favorite sweater. It's plum colored, super cozy, hooded... and totally falling apart. J bought it for me for Christmas two years ago and I wore it for three months straight in D.C. It has pockets, but one of them is pathetic- only hanging on one side, flapping in the wind, so to speak. But I love it and it always makes me feel cozy, so I can't seem to stop wearing it. The skirt is probably a little too short for the work lunch I have to go to later on today, but whatever. It's my day off and I'm going to this welcome lunch anyway, so I will wear whatever I please.

It's non-stop errands today, but it's ok because the rest of my week-end is completely free. Right now, I'm at the library where I used to intern. I stopped in to say hello and take advantage of some free wi-fi.  I have the aforementioned work-related lunch on this side of town, but it's not for another two hours. I thought it was a waste to go home in between my hair appointment and lunch, so you my little blog-readers get to hear all about my nonsense today. Lucky you. After all that, J and I get to go to our first cake tasting this afternoon. Lucky me.

I had a hair appointment this morning, which was much needed, and unexpectedly lead to me finding my make-up artist and hair stylist for my wedding. Cindy is my normal stylist and I adore her, but she isn't 110% on up-dos and didn't want me to settle for less than the best for the wedding. But she'll do my hair for the 1,001 other events I have going on leading up to it. Some parts of the wedding planning are easy and so much fun... and other parts are the opposite.

I don't understand vendors who either don't care or don't want to be in the wedding business because they can't return e-mails or phone calls in a semi-timely manner or act remotely excited about the fact that they are working on MY wedding. Yes, I know you do this shit everyday and it must get very tiresome. That doesn't mean that my wedding is any less special to me than the first one you did was to that bride, asshole. Stop acting so put out that I'm requesting information about the services you provide in your chosen profession. Also, stop acting surprised or offended that I'm interviewing other vendors or that I won't commit to you the first time you deign to e-mail me back.

I have worked with an equal number of vendors that have been awesome, friendly, low-pressure, excited what have you... don't get me wrong. And I always inevitably choose to work with them. I'm just continually astonished by the number of people who have gotten into this business, advertise their services, and then give the impression that they would much rather be doing something other than help you.

This month we're working on catering, bakeries, and florists. The catering part is ok and when we finally make a decision, I'll talk about it. Until then, there's no point because the schematics are too complicated. Partially because there are only seats for 98 at our venue and we have a guest list (A-List) of 144. Fun times. More on that when we find our happy medium between venue lay-out, action stations, and guest list.

After days of contacting florists and bakers, I have a scant few appointments and mostly a lot of frustration. Partially because I don't give a flying fuck what the cake looks like. I don't care of it's cake or cupcakes. I want it to taste good and be fondant free. I like simple designs and buttercream. It's not rocket science. I would also like to not pay $10 a slice for cake that costs you .50 cents to bake. Yes, I know time and artistry and delivery and all that. And if it's important to you, by all means pay however much you want for the cake you want. (I certainly paid a lot more for our photographer than I'd like to share.) But it's not that important to me, beyond having one that I or my fiance doesn't have to bake and worry about getting to the venue, and I don't want to pay more than I'm willing to pay for it.

So, I'm going into this cake tasting this afternoon with the mindset that I'm excited to simply be able to have the experience with J. We randomly have a day off at the same time and get to go together. I've been lucky that he's been so involved in this whole process. So this afternoon, I'm looking forward to doing this for the first time together. The little details coming together are what's making this thing so real.

Florists are another deal altogether. I know they can't all be stereotypical prima donnas, but really some of the e-mails I've gotten back... I wasn't even going to have a florist, because what I want is really simple. But I don't trust myself to do the bouquets and I thought I'd like to leave the room for disaster a little smaller and just let a pro deal with it. I know there has to be someone out there that gets my vision because I've seen plenty of posts on blogs with simple blooms in mason jars, but I worry because every time I talk to one or look at a website, all I see are these very ornate (albeit gorgeous) pieces and that's just not what I want for us. I am 90% positive that I want my bouquet to be red dahlias. I have a few appointments set up, so I'm trying to be hopeful.

I know I have 11 months until the wedding. I know I have plenty of time and I don't have to make a decision right now. To which I say, do you have any clue how much other stuff has to be done, decided, implemented, etc. between now and then? I'd also like to not doing anything wedding related between Thanksgiving and New Year's, which means that these three things- florist, bakery, caterer- needs to be decided and booked as soon as humanly possible. I don't expect everything to be perfect, I don't. I just want it to go as smoothly as possible so I can enjoy the time as much as possible. And if people would just do what I want, it would be beautiful, dammit! ;)

Ahem. Anyway. Even though I have felt insanely busy lately, life seems to have found it's balance. Work is going much better. We have a new head of Collection Development and I really like her and my boss is back and he's made it clear that he thinks I'm doing a good job. I'm learning a lot. And I keep hearing how nice this will all look on my resume. School is also going just fine- it's just the end of the semester and I'm ready for a break. I've been able to see a lot of my friends lately and I feel so lucky that I have them. Some old, some new, some near, some much too far. But it's the first time in my life that I feel really secure in my friendships. And it's been amazing. Being engaged makes you think so much about your life in the long term. Where will we be in five, ten, twenty, fifty years? I'm overwhelmed that I have so many people that I can rely on, that are so happy for me, that I want to be a part of my life always.

I've been trying to wake up and think about all the things I'm thankful for everyday- as opposed to my normal routine of waking up and fighting feeling overwhelmed or stressed or already thinking about my to-do list. Besides the usual: friends, family, J, house, pets, life, freedom, whathaveyou... Tata, J's sister, sent me pictures of the babies in their Halloween costumes. A lady bug and a bumble bee. I can't help but wonder when we'll have a little ladybug to take trick or treating with her cousins. And I am thankful for that. And also thankful that we are not quite there yet. I'm thankful to have time to wish and wait.

And I'm thankful for a little perspective. Talking to Tina and to JLM the other night, I realized how far I've come. I am glad that some things have stayed the same. But I'm also glad that I'm not nearly as selfish as I used to be, that I think before I speak more, that I am a little less impulsive and a little more responsible. I'm glad that I've learned how to love someone without thinking that it will make me love anyone else less. And I'm glad that I'm learning to love people for who they are instead of who I want them to be.

I just keeping wanting to fast forward a year and then at the same time, I keep wanting to pause and take it all in. I spent so much of last year feeling old and used up. And I'm over that. I'm often frustrated and tired and thinking about things I want to change. But, I'm also so so happy to be where I'm at, doing what I'm doing, with the people I'm with. It's a good place to be.