every song we played looser than the last

(Local H)

It's a ramble today, folks. Fair warning.

I heard this song on the radio on my way into work this morning. Gah, I love Local H. It drives me crazy that everyone, even people on the radio, mis-state that "Bound for the Floor" is titled "Copacetic" but besides that I'm always happy to hear them getting some airtime. They've been around forever and their music always sounds just like them. It's comforting in a way... sometimes I think bands try too hard to reinvent the wheel.

I'm having a good day. It's freezing outside, but it's sunny. I was having a melancholy moment yesterday. Only child Christmas cold weather short daylight too many layers syndrome. Most of the time, I just don't really process that Z is in DC or that Teddi is in NY or that Winnie is in Atlanta or whatever. I mean, I know it... but I don't think about it. And then sometimes, it just really hits hard. I love my friends here in Orlando and I'm lucky that I'm still close with my best friends despite the distance. But, sometimes, I just really want the people I love to all be here, within arm's reach, for pedicures, and sushi, and chick flicks, and in person talks.

Talking to Z and Teddi and Mel last night really helped. And I kicked my own ass at the gym last night and I'm having a responsible adult week which means that I've cooked and the house is mostly clean and I'm being semi-productive. And I sat and played video games (Monkey Island. LucasArts is re-releasing a bunch of games that J and I both played as kids. Amazing.) with my fiance, and cuddled my dog, and sat bundled up in front of the Christmas tree and got over the feeling sorry for myself.

I need something new to read... Last night, I ended up re-reading part of How to Kill a Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartalo. I was reading this book when I was in the midst of things with B. I had forgotten a lot of the plot of it, but reading parts... pages I had dog-eared... it reminded me so much of who I was then, what I thought about love and life. How so much can change and yet so much can stay the same. Parts of the book still really resonate with me. That connection you have with someone who feels things the same way you do, the music (they actually quote "Just Like Heaven" in one of the chapters), the way it feels like the universe is just clicking everything into place.

DeBartolo does this great job of portraying all those feelings... desire, falling in love- that heady, drowning, drunk sort of near-delirium addiction that can come with the first stages, and all the pain and regret and confusion that comes when you're dealing with the shit part of it. But, then, a lot of the plot... I was really annoyed. With these stupid characters who can't just grow the fuck up and communicate with each other long enough to work their bullshit problems out. (Which isn't to say that real life relationships aren't messy and complicated. And I don't want to give the book away but, really... forcing the love of your life to break up with you by letting him catch you kiss someone that you don't love because he won't go on tour without you and you're terrified of flying and you don't want to ruin his career... blah fucking blah.)

I guess that this is growing up. ("It's alright, to tell me, what you think, about me...") What a difference time and circumstance and a little perspective make, huh? I still AM that girl. I still feel all those things. But the way I think about them all, about it all, is so different now.

The past two years have been fast, but really I think about the last four or so... and it just blows my mind. They say that time speeds up the older you get. Obviously, the getting married is a big step... but then people ask you about babies and you say, 29ish? Which is in TWO years. And you think, holy crap. And then... well. Two years. I could be, probably will be, in a wholly different world by then. Change is the only constant. Life throws things at us that we can't possibly predict or prevent, but you know... some of the best things in life have been complete surprises...

Soldiering on. I'm tired, but then, I'm pretty much always tired. Work is going well... The first few weeks were a little rough, but everyone seems to have warmed up to me. I like my work, I like my boss, I like having my own space. It's good resume experience. Plus, President's Brunch at work this morning. I'll say this for my current job, they certainly feed us more often than just about anywhere else I've been.

School is finally over for at least three weeks. So far, I have two A's and I'm waiting on the final grade for my last class, but I'm hopeful that one will be an A as well. Straight A's this semester. One. More. Semester. I can't wait to be done in May... I've loved my program and all but, I'm so ready to be done with this chapter. Working full time and going to school full time... it's a challenge.

Besides all that... life is good. Wedding planning is going... I should really write a whole post of an update about that soon. J and I got our Christmas tree up and it smells better than any tree I can remember having. I have from the 23rd to the 2nd off of work since the library is closed. My best friend will be in town. I have Christmas cards to write and gifts to buy and wrap... but, you know, I got those damn library books back to the library so, there's that. Besides blowing out my power strip at work this morning, trying to run my space heater and print something at the same time, all systems are go.

I just wish I had time for a smallish nap. And after re-reading this post, I sort of feel like my brain is a little short-circuited. Oh well. Keeping it real, I suppose.