Eyes lit, I want short breaths

(Crystal Castles)

Life is getting in the way of blogging this week. It's the fourth week of summer classes, which means that a. I'm 1/3 of the way done (wow) and b. shit is finally getting real. I've been swamped with homework. I've also been striving to get my butt in the gym- last week I took a Bodyworks class and a Cycle (Spinning) class besides the usual I feel lazy I need to hit the Ellliptical for half an hour session. Then there's the obligatory Memorial Day BBQ's and going to the Springs for an afternoon and brunch plans and just, you know, life.

As it should be. I've been focusing on enjoying my life to the fullest right now. Things aren't perfect and they never will be, but I'm really truly happy and there isn't a person in the world I would trade places with. But all this living means not a lot of time to sit down and write it out the way I want to. Coming up, a post on our trip to the Big Easy and another on my favorite summer songs. When I get a minute to catch my breath... I feel so lucky that there all still three full months of summer left. I feel renewed.

one night doesn't mean the rest of my life

(The Get Up Kids)

I just found out, via Facebook, that one of my ex-boyfriends just got engaged. The Beau. The one that I dated for two years and tried very hard to be friends with and that just didn't work out any which way. And I feel... mildly shocked. (Thank you, Facebook, for providing me with unsolicited information when I'm completely unprepared.) And also... not really anything. And the not feeling anything? Makes me feel weird. I expect any day for JLM to get engaged (he's been with the same girl for five years) and while a very small part of me will cry, ultimately, I'll just be really happy for him. And, B. Well, I don't really know what to say about that.

But, yeah, I suppose it's normal to feel a little surprised? And, also, I suspect that the feeling will be vastly different when I get the news from JLM, who I'm still friends with, as opposed to someone that I don't really speak to anymore. And it's not that I don't feel happy for him- it's just such a strange thing to think about. That this was someone that I spent so much time with and put so much energy into and now it's been over for so long and we're both in such different places and we really don't even know each other anymore. But, I guess, really that it's part of really committing yourself to another person- you let go of other relationships that you held on to so that you can move forward. And maybe the shock comes from finding out that I've already let go without consciously doing it.

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me.

(Lady Gaga)

Friday night, J went to go play Magic with some friends and I stayed in and whittled away the List on our DVR with the dog. It was actually a totally delightful way to end an utterly relaxing day (dog park, BBQ from a tiny church, naps, pedicure, random shopping).

So, we are suckers. Because after spending $80 on his new bed, we also shelled out for a little cushion thing to go on top of it. Because Sam looked not entirely comfortable without it. Also, J started letting Sam sit with him on the couch about a month ago, something that before then was completely and totally off limits. Sam had a bath on Friday morning after the dog park, so I let him cuddle with me as well. Oh and by the way, our dog? Weighs 70 pounds. The following is a series of pictures I sent  J regarding how my night progressed.

Sam is in his crate. I allow him to come watch TV on the couch with me.

 

He promptly claims as much space as possible.

Sam decides that he needs a place to rest his head and takes over my lap. I get up to use the bathroom. I come back and Sam is completely in my spot. After relocating him to the end of the couch and firmly explaining the need for personal space, Sam becomes decidedly fidgety and gets up and off the couch repeatedly, trying to find a place to rest his head.

I try to bribe Sam with a pillow to get him to give me some room.

I relent and Sam falls asleep on my lap. Where he promptly begins to snore. This is my life.

But really. How could you not put up with it for this face?

today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two

(311)

I've been having an issue with one of my friends. It's not any one thing in particular, but a lot of small things that have been bothering me for a long time. Things that I excused or ignored or just didn't deal with that suddenly seriously overwhelmed me. Do you ever catch yourself saying, "I love so and so BUT, ..." Well, yeah. I'm having an extra hard time figuring out how to address it and deal with it because it's not like a something happened sort of situation, more of a personality conflict situation. I try really hard to be straight forward with my friends in general, to simply say when something is bothering me or to know to just let it go. I don't generally have a problem apologizing and really for the most part, I don't really have many conflicts with friends anymore. Maybe because we've either been friends for so long or because we're all adults now? I don't know.

And yet, even though we're all adults, having a disagreement or misunderstanding or just plain old tension with friends makes me feel exactly like I'm 13 again. It's like... waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't feel like people are constantly disappointing me. It's just that investing time and energy into relationships, caring about other people, it makes you vulnerable. And the closer you are, or were, the easier it is to get hurt, even unintentionally. And the longer you've been friends, the more history you have, the harder it is to accept people when they change, to see them how they really are, to not feel past hurts and grievances when something new arises.

And it's natural, I know. I think every friendship goes through it's ups and downs. It's how you grow. It's how you learn how to be friends- what's important to both of you and what you need to handle gently. It's pretty much exactly like being in a relationship in that way. But, how do you know when it's a bump in the road, when it's going to get better and you should just ride it out? Do you ever? How do you know when you should say something? In this particular case, I truly feel like saying something wouldn't make much of a difference. And knowing that my friend probably won't be responsive, or will be defensive, or possibly even just won't care that much... What does that say? How do you know when it's just a phase or something more permanent? What do you do when you feel like a friendship isn't necessarily toxic, but just not fulfilling? I refuse to believe that everyone grows apart. But, I also don't think that every relationship is built to last forever. And what do you do with that?

I guess, I just feel badly for feeling this way and saying nothing. Because I would truly hate for one of my friends to harbor feelings like this about me and not give me a chance, give us a chance to work it out. I still live in semi-constant fear of someone writing me off for no apparent (to me) reason. I guess because you never really know what someone else is going through or dealing with. I feel like I've changed so much in the last few years, we've all changed so much. And I haven't always been the best friend on the planet, I mean no one has, but we've managed to all make it work. Or to start over and make it work again. I'd hate to just let go without a fight. But at the same time, I'd hate to have a big blow-out and that be the end. I don't know which is the right thing to do and which is the easy thing to do and right now, I'm not sure that either option is really right or easy.

all these places have their moments

(The Beatles)

J is the first guy I've dated that we had a "song" that was actually appropriate... which is kind of ironic considering that while I'm really into music, he's sort of... not. It's not the he doesn't care, exactly, it's just that he doesn't care as much. (I mean, he loves Electric Six.) In some ways, it can bother me; music has always been an easy connection with people for me and, really, some moments are just begging to be set to a soundtrack. In other ways, it's really nice. We hardly ever argue over the radio station. And I'm sort of starting to realize that in the past, I sometimes mistook someones taste in music for actual qualities they possessed. And with J, the songs we do have are so very distinctively us- and I know it's just that the song sort of fits, not that I'm making us fit into the song.

I've been thinking about writing this out for awhile, a post all about "songs" that I've had with someone. It's very complicated though. There are few guys that I've dated that haven't left some sort of musical impression on me, but at the same time, what is there really to say about a-ha (and the guy I only dated briefly who didn't know who Roman Polanski was)? And then there are the songs that remind me of friends, do I include those? Is that really the same thing? Or the plethora of songs out there that remind me of a moment with someone or that someone introduced me to? Do those count? What about songs like Pearl Jam's "Black" that seemed to be on the radio non-stop the summer that JLM and I broke up and that is so fitting and that I still can't listen to without tearing up? So, yeah. I haven't written this one out because the parameters seem too shaky. Also, when I started to sit down and think about all the songs I've had with people- it struck me that several of them weren't just not "love songs"- they were like, anti-love songs.

My first real boyfriend in High School, who still makes my skin crawl, practically forced Lifehouse, "Hanging by a Moment" to be our song. I still hate that song but, yeah, it was a love song. Technically. Blech.

JLM and I have so many songs that it's hard to pinpoint the ones that were "ours". He's responsible for introducing me to a lot of my favorite bands (A Perfect Circle and Deftones) and he's the only person that remembers me before I knew who Les Claypool was. More than that, JLM, and I have been friends since we were 12 (so he also remembers my horrible middle school awkward phase) and we've managed to remain close since we broke up like, 6 years ago? He has always been and will always be one of my best friends. Our songs though, much as I love them, aren't so sweet. "Mourning" by Tantric. And "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle. Beautiful and totally heartbreaking. Oh. And Poison the Well- "Nerdy". Totally romantic song, if you can actually understand the lyrics through all the screaming.

The Beau and I dated for about two years, for a big chunk of undergrad, and yet numerous close friends of mine forget about it. Our relationship just wasn't that dramatic (not until the end, anyway). We really cared about each other, but ultimately, just weren't the right people. We didn't have that much in common and we really wanted different things out of life. Our song? Eddie Money. "Take Me Home Tonight". Yup. Not exactly romantic but, I do have pretty awesome memories of us drunkenly belting that out at several bars.

B. There's no easy way to sum us up and I won't try. The Cure. "Just Like Heaven". I still love this song, I can't hear it and not smile, even if it comes like a punch in the gut sometimes. On the surface? This song is so romantic and, like, totally joyous. It's vibrant and full of life. Or at least it starts that way. It ends with the singer losing his love in a rather depressing fashion.

Also of note? A Perfect Circle, "The Noose". The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps". Death Cab for Cutie, "Title Track". And Steve Miller Band, "The Joker". Yeah, none of those are very good love songs either. Except maybe "Maps", but even that is so unrequited it's kind of sad.

So. While J and I do have a special place in our hearts for "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies (and another Eddie Money gem "Baby Hold On"), "our song" is by The Beatles. And one day, I will sit down and write a whole post about which one and why and how that song is perfect for us.

I want to say so much about our relationship and what it's like to be with someone and know in your bones that it's right. I want to write about how learning that letting go is an everyday choice taught me that letting go opened me up to choose other things, like being with J. And I want to write about how breaking down so utterly and losing myself so completely allowed me to change and love and be ready for it. I finally feel whole again and it happened when I wasn't looking. Because I can look back and see that growing older made me grow up a lot, yes, but also that this time I have grown back better. That I've learned that compromise is part of life (and relationships) but it doesn't have to mean losing myself. And I want to say all this in so many ways but I'm afraid that it's going to sound preach-y and cliche and trite and it's going to actually make this big big thing seem small.

So don't think that I'm pushing you away, when you're the one that I've kept closest.

(The XX. Amazing album. Soothing, soft, sexy. Perfect for summer.)

Well. I know it's been a while. I could say that I've been busy or distracted, but really I've just been sort of tired. And admittedly, a little bit lazy. The past week has been fairly uneventful, but in the nicest sort of way. Sometimes life's little perfections come from enjoying your own little corner of the world. J and I have been able to spend a lot of time together lately and it's been so lovely. He just got a new job, but it doesn't start until after we get back from New Orleans. I started school last week, so he's been taking care of most of the cooking. Major perk of living with a chef. Notably, he made me the best crab cakes I have ever had, hands down, on Tuesday night. Unfortunately, they didn't last long enough for me to snap pictures. Oh well, I guess he'll just have to make them again...

I really like both of my summer classes so far. I'm taking a management class, which is pretty much a review considering my other Master's degree, but I had the professor for one of my classes last fall and I really like her, so I don't mind so much. I'm also taking a class in young adult reference and I like both the subject and the professor so far, so that's good too. It's really nice to only have class two nights a week. You wouldn't think that one class would make that much of a difference, but it does. I feel much less stressed than I did last semester. So far, anyway.

J and I have taken advantage of all the sunshine lately now that my sunburn from South Carolina is finally gone. Friday, we took Sam to a new dog park. We had been going to Flowers, which is utterly terrible, but I had heard a lot of positive reviews of Fleet Peeple's so we took him there. Seriously, awesome. It's huge, first of all, which is great and a major improvement over Flowers. There was a nice wooded area with paths and plenty of doggy water fountains and benches and all sort of things- plenty of room for running around and making new furry friends. The real draw was definitely the lake though. I was so proud of my boy! He is not a fan of water- at all- but after watching all the other dogs go in, he hopped right in, too. He was filthy, but the park has a station where you can give your dog a bath before they get back in your car. It worked out well for us, which was shocking considering the aforementioned water aversion.

The only bad thing that happened was one unfixed and aggressive Doberman with lazy owners. He totally humped Sam in the face, while his owners did nothing. So rude. Luckily, J was there with me to deal with it. Sam was such a good boy though, he growled and definitely told the other dog he didn't appreciate his unwelcome advances, but otherwise let J and I deal with it. We weren't the only victims, but really, one bad dog/owners in a park full of people? Not too terrible and it definitely didn't ruin our experience. We're heading back this week and planning on making it a regular thing.

Especially since Sam had a check-up on Sunday and he is a smidge on the pudgy side. I guess we've been overfeeding him a little. It's so terrible. It's like when you have fat little kids- it's totally the parents fault, you're responsible for everything that goes in their mouth before the age of five. Having a fat dog, okay slightly overweight dog, feels like such a reflection of us. The poor fat dog must have lazy owners, you know? Really though, we just need to watch what we feed him and lay off the treats a little bit. I think we were so focused on getting him healthy and regaining his weight after we first had him that we didn't really notice that he had gotten back to his normal size plus a few. Now we both need to lose ten pounds. Oy.

Besides that, there was a trip to the mall with ST, and a double date at a new Vietnamese place with JB and ST, and an awesome phone date with Teddi, breaking in a new brunch place (Keke's) with SA, a trip home to see my parents (and eat fried chicken), watching the first two Lord of the Rings movies on Blu-Ray, etc. You get the picture. Lots of relaxing. Oh, and that Body Works class at the gym that made me more sore than I have been since I started ballet. Seriously. I was hobbling around for almost four days and enduring J's laughter the whole time. Totally worth it though. It was an awesome work-out and ST is going with me next week. Though being that sore sort of makes me feel like all these work-outs the past few months have been for naught.

I'm spending the summer exactly like this. Relaxing and spending extra time focusing on only having two classes and stepping up my gym routine. I want to be in the best shape possible... it already feels like the next year is going to be eventful.

your words don't match the story that your actions show

(The Get Up Kids)

So. I obviously didn't work out all week-end when I was in South Carolina. And I came home with a wicked sunburn so that Pilates class I scheduled for Monday morning was out and yesterday and today, I let myself over book and run out of time. And the excuses and the laziness and the everything else is more important and all the reasons why not continue to rule.

Except that, right this minute, I am in a Body Works Plus Abs class. Tomorrow, I will be doing Yoga. And Sunday morning? At the ungodly hour of 8:30am? I am taking something called Latin Fusion. Because I refuse, I absolutely refuse to let a few days totally derail me. And next week when my loan money comes in, I am investing in some new running shoes and restarting my Couch to 5K training.

P.S. That Bodyworks class just kicked my ass, good god. Also: If you go to the gym, please put on deodorant! This person next to me in class smelled before the class even started. Gross.

If we took a holiday...

(Madonna)

Sorry that I've been a bit MIA the past few days. I've started my summer semester for school and I've been nursing a wicked sunburn from the Girl's Trip. Which was, by the way, totally and utterly awesome and exactly what I needed. The weather was completely gorgeous as was the locale, it was totally relaxing, and I got a healthy dose of time with the girls, which was exactly what I needed. We've already decided on a repeat performance in South Carolina for our trip next year and I'm already planning visits to both DC and Atlanta for the fall.

The back road from I95 to the Beach. I rolled the windows down and blasted Madonna the whole way.

Chick flicks.

Homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I made the dough at home and then carted it in the cooler to SC. I was super nervous, but they were delicious. I used the Pioneer Woman's recipe from her cookbook, The Pioneer Woman Cooks. The recipe can also be found here: PW's Cinnamon Rolls. I hate Maple so I skipped that in the icing, next time I think I'll try for a cream cheese frosting. Also, warning: this recipe makes 6 dozen cinnamon rolls.

Rum Runners. We forgot to add the rum until we were at the beach, so Winnie had to run back to the house and get the bottle so we could add it in. Delicious, regardless.

A sparsely populated beach, something you never see in Florida.

Lovely.

Reading material. The Girl Who Played with Fire, the second of Stieg Larsson's novels. Winnie was reading The Help, which is also totally on my summer reading list and Z was reading the third Stookie Stackhouse novel, which is my favorite in the series so far.

Afternoon on the porch, reading and relaxing.

Perfection.

Swimsuits drying on the line.

Koozies. Piggly Wiggly. And the South Carolina state symbol. Need I say more?

Sunset walk.

The view on the drive home.

Lots of traveling so far this summer! I didn't intend to do so much in just a few months, but I'm definitely not complaining. It's been utterly lovely and the start of what is sure to be a picture perfect summer. Next up? A trip to New Orleans with J, his best friend and his girlfriend the first week in June.

B-b-b-b-bad.

(George Thorogood)

So, remember when our dog did this?

Well, last week he also did this:

So, he had to sleep on the floor for a week until this got delivered:

That is a Kuranda bed. (You can get them here: http://kuranda.com/)  It's gauranteed to be indestructable. We'll see. So far, so good. He doesn't like it nearly so much as his cushy (and apparently delicious) bed but, I'm thinking that's probably a good thing. We've got to get some more rawhides and chews or something.

Summertime... and the livin's easy.

(Sublime. Just for you, Z.)

I am currently slathering on sunscreen, drinking a pina colada and laughing my ass off at one of my very witty friends on a beach in South Carolina. Or at least, I hopefully am, pending weather and traffic. It's the First Annual Girl's Trip which will (with any small amount of luck) turn into the first of many Annual Girl's Trips. It has been in the planning stages for months and now it is finally here and I could not be more thrilled!

I read this article in Real Simple last fall that talked about this group of women that make an annual trip somewhere. The trip is about spending time together, sans partners, children and pets. As the years pass, it becomes harder and harder to get away from life. The trip is less about where you go and more about unplugging, gossiping, eating, etc. and most importantly, spending time together. Making it an annual thing ensures that you make time to see each other even when life gets hectic and complicated. I think it's really important and I'm so glad that my friends agree.

I'll write up a fully detailed recap when we get back, but this year, Z, Winnie and I are living it up in a beach house on South Carolina's coast courtesy of Winnie's very gracious grandmother. We're very sorry that Hughie couldn't make it to join us this year, but I'm sure she'll be there with us next year. And I'm sure that as soon as we get back, we'll start planning our next one. I'm so excited and happy to be spending some quality time with my best friends making memories, nursing hangovers, getting sunburned and taking lots of pictures.

You're looking for that sun, you're looking for that light.

(Our Lady Peace. Off of Spiritual Machines which is my favorite album of theirs.)

I've had a week where I've just been fighting myself non-stop. It's partially travelling two week-ends in a row, partially the rush of coming off of finals, and partially just me. I'm starting to think that I'm an all or nothing sort of person. I can get 10,000 things done in a day or I can get absolutely nothing done in a day. It's the whole waking up on time, eating right, going to the gym, doing everything I'm supposed to be doing day in and day out everyday or even most days that just kills me.

And honestly? I feel like the world just conspires against me. My boyfriend and I have an odd schedule. There are nights I go to sleep at 11:00 and nights I don't go to sleep until 2:00. We makes plans last minute and change plans and are lazy about making a menu and sticking to it and going to the grocery store on time. We have weeks that are totally on the ball and weeks that are just fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants. I have class and an internship and J is a chef. Most of our friends do the 9-5 thing. And keeping up with everyone and each other, is usually our first priority. I know that my relationships have always been mine, so this really isn't any different.

And honestly? This really isn't any different than what I've been dealing/struggling with my whole life. I know that planning will lead to a greater chance of success, but sticking to the plan is hard when you feel like your own life is getting in your way. And really, too much planning makes me just as manic as not enough planning. Because then I stress and feel guilty for changing the plan. It's all achievable, but it's such a delicate balance. So far, having a loose plan for a week in advance- like, these are the nights we're making dinner and these are the options we'll have is helpful. But, I think that if I really want to see a difference gym wise, I have to start making it a major priority. Like, first thing in the morning, non-negotiable, this is the plan for the week priority.

All week, I have been filled with if onlys. If I could only...
- If I could only get up an hour earlier everyday, I could work-out the amount of time that I should without feeling rushed.
- If I could only plan enough to have breakfast and lunch taken care of everyday then I would eat healthier and we would spend less money.
- If I could only like vegetables as much as I like meat.
- If I could only relax and just be and let go and not stress about things so much.
- If I could (have) only remembered that I already had a (brand new) copy of Managing Information Organizations, I wouldn't have wasted $60 re-ordering it for no reason.

If only if only. I know that it's not healthy for me to so focused on the negative and I'm honestly not all the time. I should focus on all the little things that I am getting right. Like, I'm finally going to be credit card debt free in August and it's at least partially because I've really changed my mentality about money and my attitude towards spending. And I haven't done it through some huge overnight change, I did it by changing small habits over time. I know that this will continue to translate itself into better budget management for both me and J, over time. Likewise, instead of focusing on how I only went to the gym twice this week, I should focus on the fact that a year ago, I wasn't going at all. And hadn't been in I don't know how long.

It's just that no matter how long I'm "good" a few days off the proverbial wagon makes me feel like I'm starting right back at square one. I know that the change comes through the details. It comes from making the small plans every day and every week and then making those changes into habits and routine. I guess it's just that thought, that I have to keep making these decisions and habits stick, every day, stretching into eternity that pushes me over the edge from overwhelmed right into oblivion. But, as Scarlett says, tomorrow IS another day. Right? Another day to make it work. And I guess I should be counting up those small victories instead of focusing on the days or weeks that I feel aren't measuring up.

I will feel a glow, just thinking of you.

(Frank Sinatra. From K and L's first dance at their wedding.)

This past week-end, J and I traveled to Miami for my dear friend, K,'s wedding. It was really nice to get away. My Mom and Dad stayed with the fur babies while we were gone, so I was able to just relax and enjoy south Florida, which I love. The wedding was beautiful and I was so happy to be there for K.

I have to admit, I totally teared up when she walked down the aisle.

We took advantage of the bar, had some champagne, ate cupcakes. It was glorious. I wish I had a picture of us officially welcoming K's new husband into the sorority family with "Oh, Pat".

Oh, and I "caught" the bouquet (meaning I tackled one of my much younger sorority sisters during the toss and somehow managed to come back up with it, completely destroying both my knees in the process) and J caught the garter...

Much dancing was had. They even played Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer", our chapter song. It always incites shrieks and flinging limbs.

All in all, it was really wonderful to be able to share the day with K and her new husband. I got to spend some time away with my awesome boyfriend, who was a very good sport all week-end, even though I forgot to pack him socks and he had to wear dress shoes throughout the duration of the wedding without them. I was able to see some of my sorority sisters, including my little sister, who I haven't seen since she moved to Denver 8 months ago. And, I only sustained relatively minor injuries as a result of the bouquet toss. I told J that better be the last damn one I ever have to catch... I can't wait till it's our turn to drive off into the sunset.