I awoke, only to find my lungs empty.

(City and Colour)

My thoughts are a tangle right now. I do this when I'm stressed out about something- multi-task to the point of complete distraction. I'm trying to do so many things at once right now... plan a wedding- specifically find a wedding ceremony and reception location, figure out how to get my engagement ring insured, deal with a dog who is slightly sick with the mange again, apply for part time jobs and all of the regular life stuff with the house and the internship and school and you know, my relationships and all.

I have moments, whole days even, that are incredibly good. Times when I feel totally comfortable in my own skin and happy and completely at peace with the world. I'm in such a good place, literally and figuratively. I'm so sure of where I am and this path that we're taking. But, I have days that are just fraught with so many worries and stresses and errant thoughts.

Lots of it is simply bullshit. I know that we have time to plan for this wedding and that the money to pay for it will materialize. I do. I just don't want to have any regrets about any of the choices we make... and that can make choosing hard. For example, we found a venue that we both love at a price that we can live with, but I feel the need to continue looking because it seems like we just haven't seen enough yet. And on the other hand, I want to book it right now because I feel like there's no way we'll see something else we love as much. And maybe I don't want to see anything else we love as much, you know?

So, I debate and worry and over-analyze it. Then, to take my mind off of it, I find something else completely out of my control to worry about. Like, whether or not I have a short luteal phase. And what we will do if I do. Even though we won't have to really deal with it for another few years. And then when I think about all that, I finally come back around to the 10,000 things that have to be done right now. Like finding a place to get my ring appraised so we can get it insured. And the paper that is due tonight that I still haven't written more than ten words of. It just comes in waves.

Acting on your best behavior.

(Tears for Fears)

I had an interesting conversation with my friend, M via e-mail yesterday. Her pup, Sable, has gone to stay with her Dad for a few weeks while M does some travelling. In an effort to cheer her up, I told her that a. She can play with Sam whenever she wants and that b. In the past twenty four hours, Sam has attacked the water coming out of our sprinklers (soaking both of us), cried excessively during a thunderstorm, and stepped in his own poop. So she might want to take advantage of some fur baby free time.

Annnnd I just pulled a penny out of his mouth. It's nonstop excitement over here.

why can't life always be this easy?

(Kanye West)

Confessions on a Wednesday. It's good for the soul. Or something.

- I'm always afraid of being too happy or too excited for something, like I'm going to jinx it. I've been so unbelievably lucky in my life that I feel like being too happy is just testing the universe. I feel undeserving of so much happiness, but I'm starting to just embrace it. Life is wonderful. I'm engaged to an amazing person and I love our life together. I simply love life in general right now!

- Not having a paying job makes me feel anxious, stressed, irritable, and a little worthless. I have been known to be so afraid of rejection that I won't even apply for something... and I don't exactly deal with change well either. But, I have got to find a part time job since finding something full time or in a library has been fruitless thus far.

- J made me stop watching "Dexter" because it gave me nightmares. Also see: "Law and Order", "CSI", and "Unsolved Mysteries".

- I think Dunkin Donuts iced coffee is better than Starbucks. Though a Barnie's Coffee Cooler beats them both, provided you can actually find a freakin' Barnies.

- I've decided to not ask one of my good friends to be in my bridal party, for various reasons that have accumulated over the past two years. I know she's going to be really hurt and upset about it and I have no idea how to approach or deal with the situation so I haven't yet... and I'm not sure I'm going to.

- On a happier note, not all of my bridal party does know I'm asking them yet and I'm bursting at the seams to tell them! I hope that a. I can keep my mouth shut until all the plans for asking them are in motion so that I do it the right way and that b. all of them say yes!

- I have recently found myself doing things that make me feel like a soccer mom. Including driving my soon to be father-in-law's SUV (and not very well) and listening to books on tape (I bought it on accident, but now I feel honor bound to listen to the damn thing).

So many things that I wanna say

(The Outfield, Anyone recognize the song? I love it. It reminds me of going out and dancing to 80's music at the Lodge with Z.)

My best friend just got engaged! Z, I'm SO overwhelmingly happy for you and yours. I can't wait for your engagement post and to help you plan and discuss details with you. Rest assured, your 80's Prom Themed Bachelorette is already in the development stages.

I'm so happy to be going through this stage of life together. There's no one on Earth I'm happier for and I feel so lucky to be able to share this time and experience with you. Congratulations!

And for the first time, I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for your every move and waking sound

(Smashing Pumpkins)

Mix-Tape Monday. Do I really need to explain this feature? I had a few comments when I changed the style of my blog about readers enjoying my music recommendations, so I thought I would make what I'm listening to a more regularly recurring feature. Right now, I'm obsessed with finding less conventional love songs for a project I'm putting together for our wedding. (Holy crap, our wedding. Butterflies. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the thrill. Maybe we when start writing checks.) As you've read, our song is The Beatles, "In My Life". Not your most overplayed song ever but also not anything really unheard of. Also on the list?

- Guns N' Roses- "Sweet Child O'Mine". My Dad used to sing this to my Mom when I was little. It's a strong contender for the Father-Daughter dance but it would obviously have to be whoa shortened. (Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" is also in the mix because nothing reminds me more of my Dad, but it's so so sad, I'm just not sold on using it.)

- Queen- "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". I can picture us dancing to this. And singing to this. It's just fun. And if we can't use "Fat Bottomed Girls" then it has to be this.

- The Born Ruffians- "Foxes Mate for Life". J and I both love this. It's a Jimmy-Sharon-DC special but I distinctly remember driving around DC with J (in Jimmy's car) listening to this when we first dating. And it's a sweet little sentiment.

- Say Anything- "Alive with the Glory of Love". J put this on the first (and thus far, only) mix CD he ever made me. I wrote a whole post about it, here.

- Otis Redding- "These Arms of Mine". Sigh. I couldn't not have this song in here. Love love love. So classic.

- Eddie Money- "Baby Hold On". J and I started listening to this song when we first moved in together. We were having a stupid disagreement about something house related and this song came on the radio. J looked at me and said, "See?". It's a good reminder not to let the stupid bullshit that life inevitably sends your way get you down or distract you from what's really important.

- Smashing Pumpkins- "Stand Inside Your Love". Only the greatest thing Billy Corgan ever wrote. It's the only love song that he says was true and specifically for someone- his girlfriend at the time, Yelena Yemchuck. The lyrics are incredibly sentimental and sweet and yet, so different. They really ring true. It sounds like love, when you're really in it with someone, and you just know. And the video. It's a tribute to "Salome", my favorite play by Oscar Wilde, and the original art by Aubrey Beardsley. It's black and white and dark and sensual and overwhelmingly gorgeous.

A few other contenders: .38 Special- "Caught Up in You", Golden Smog- "Pecan Pie", The Kinks- "All Day and All of the Night" OR "You Really Got Me Now", Stevie Ray Vaughn- "Pride and Joy" (my parents' song), U2- "All I Want is You" (from "Reality Bites", a favorite of mine), and Bright Eyes- "First Day of My Life". I don't want to give away all the songs on our list just yet, but we need about thirty or forty. I've already enlisted the help of my Dad, the music guru, but I'm open to ideas from any and all areas. Well, almost.

I love old jazz and blues but, Etta James' "At Last" is just too much of a staple to be on the list. I'd like some Clapton on there, but my Mom loathes "Wonderful Tonight". I hate country music. I adore "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson, but J laughs at me whenever I put it on, so that's out even though it is so very us. I'm not opposed to anything a little cheesy, like maybe some Hall and Oates? But, Elvis is out. Basically, anything rock, jazz, blues or older pop. So, with that knowledge internets, help! And in return I'll keep you updated on all the different ways this music will feature in our wedding plans and day.

Also, I promise I have a life outside of this wedding and I will resume talking about it soon.

Could not kiss, just regress.

(Bush)

I haven't been able to get motivated this week. I have all this time and I know it's slipping through my fingers... I guess I'm just processing. I feel like with every major life change I go through a different transition period. When I moved to DC, I totally immersed myself in the whole process and just moved moved moved and just didn't think. By the time I started thinking about the fact that I was 800 miles away from the life I'd lived and loved for six years, I was already away and in it and those ten months just sort of flew by. And then when I moved back to Orlando last year, I sort of fell apart for a little bit. I was ecstatic and so happy to be living with J and back in Florida, but I was so overwhelmed with life and not really processing DC and just reeling. It felt like my entire life was just completely out of my control. And, yeah, in both instances I got over it and started really living again, it just took me a little while to work my way through things and figure out where I was and where I was going. This time, it's so different. Because I do feel overwhelmed and I do feel like I need to process things and figure out what the next step is, but I also feel like I should just be... breathing. And dreaming. And letting go. And instead I find myself sleepless and clinging and breathless. I don't really know how to change and stay still. I'm so used to leaping and looking later. And the next year requires us to build steps. So, I feel like I should take this time while I have it. But I don't really know what to do with it.

Doesn't anybody ever know?

(Our Lady Peace)

Confessions on a Wednesday. Because, really, why not?

- I never really stop missing my parents. I think it's an only child thing. If  I have a nightmare and J isn't home, I'll call my Mom. And I think even when I have kids of my own, I will probably still do this.

- I am a control freak. I am only just realizing this one. It's not so much that I don't like having help or that I don't trust other people to do things or even that things have to be done my way... or even that I'm especially particular about how things are done. It's just that, if I'm the one doing it, then a. I know it's taken care of and b. I don't have to nag anyone or remind anyone to do it. I'm trying to get over this.

- I have trouble asking for help or taking people up on it when it's offered. See above. I also have a problem feeling like I'm putting people out. I'm trying to get over this, too.

- I think sometimes I put up with more than I should because I'm secretly afraid that I am just as annoying or selfish and other people put up with me. So I should pay it forward? Or something?

- I sort of hate drinking water. I would almost always rather have something exciting to drink, even if it's just a Cherry Coke or a Lemonade. Unfortunately, I know that water is a billion times healthier for you and that drinking your calories is the quickest way to derail all your healthy efforts. So water it is.

- Speaking of Cherry Coke, I think soda tastes better out of a cold can than any other way. No glass/plastic bottles, ice, or fountain drinks for me.

And those are my random confessions this Wednesday. No other major news to report. Life is good. J loves his new job and I'm reveling in the engagement and in summer.

So caught up in you.

(.38 Special)

Isn't it funny how you can just be cruising along in life and all of the sudden everything changes? Between our engagement and J starting a new job Tuesday and trying to adjust to coming back from vacation, I've been reeling. My head just feels full. I have ideas about the wedding and we're starting to discuss details and I want my ring back on my finger yesterday (it's being sized) and I have people to see and call and talk to and my internship and school work and spending some quality time with Joe and Sam who I missed dearly and The Knot is telling me that I should be picking colors and figuring out our budget and I'm just wondering how anyone decides anything when there are oh SO many choices? Oh, and I did I mention that our wedding diets have already started?

It's all so wonderful and I'm not complaining. I'm thrilled. And a little overwhelmed. But mostly just thrilled. And as full as my head is, I have to say, my heart is more so. Because while we've been a little wrapped up in our own little fiancee filled world right now... our family and friends have just showered us with love and well wishes and it's been a wholly different kind of overwhelming. I can't thank you all enough for the messages and texts and the shrieks on the phone and the cards and gifts and this blog post. Seriously. We felt so loved. I have felt so loved. And I could not be happier.

But, I would feel slightly less stressed if we had a venue booked already. I'm crazy for being worried about it when we have 15 1/2 months till the wedding, right? Right?

Summer's here and the timing is right, for dancing in the streets...

Down in New Orleans...

Our trip to New Orleans was an experience, for sure. Besides getting engaged, we ate a ton, drank even more, and took in the plethora of sights. While in New Orleans, I also learned that Bourbon Street is the raunchiest, dirtiest place I will probably ever be and that there are places on Earth that are more humid and hot than Orlando. Seriously, I took a minimum of two showers everyday. Which was funny, considering it rained everyday. But the heat and Bourbon St. notwithstanding, New Orleans was amazing.

We got there on Thursday morning (after a 10 1/2 hour drive) and went to the Aquarium and wandered around on their boardwalk. Afterwards, we went back to the hotel and napped before heading to Bourbon Street for some po' boys and a haunted pub crawl/ ghost tour. Even though I was the only "believer" out of our group, we had a lot of fun and got to see a lot of the city. Our tour guide from Bloody Mary's Tours was awesome and knew a ton of history about the city. After the tour, we went to Pat O' Brien's for dinner. Unfortunately, I'd had a hurricane, so I barely remember it.

This penguin at the aquarium was awesome. He wouldn't let any other penguins in or near his cave.

Cool statue at the entrance to the aquarium.

The Mississippi River. And a real river boat!

Our tour guide from the Haunted Pub Crawl.

See the orb???

Some of the pretty wrought and cast iron work in the city.

The house where Tennessee Williams wrote "A Streetcar Named Desire".

I loved all of the gaslights in New Orleans. So pretty and romantic.

The original fire fountain at Pat O' Brien's.

Friday, we all had breakfast and then the boys went to Harrah's Casino for some blackjack, while S and I went to see St. Charles Cemetery I. It was beautiful in a very haunting way and unlike any other cemetery I've ever been in. It's famous because lots of Louisiana politicians are buried there, as is Marie Laveau, the famous Voodoo Queen of New Orleans. Afterwards, we wandered around the French Quarter and visited Jackson Square before meeting the boys for lunch. That night, we had dinner at Luke by John Besh, which was amazing, before heading out to Bourbon Street for the night.

Marie Laveau's grave. There are actually three different graves that her remains have been moved to. For various reasons. Notice all the XXX? People believe that by writing that and leaving an offering, that she'll grant them a wish. S and I didn't participate. I feel like there are just some doors that I don't want to open. 

Jackson Square and the Cathedral. Very pretty.

We got some authentic N'Awlins grub at this restaurant on Decatur Street.

Muffulettas.

Hurricanes on Bourbon Street.

View of downtown from a bar's balcony on Bourbon Street.

Saturday morning, J and I got engaged! You can read all about that here. After the phone calls and everything, we met up with our friends and took the St. Charles Streetcar to the Garden District. SO pretty. After lunch and more naps, we finally went to Cafe du Monde for beignets. They were absolutely worth the wait. We had a seafood feast later on that night and ate breakfast at a place called Cafe Fleur de Lis before driving back to Florida the next morning.

Gorgeous.

This rickshaw was in someone's front yard. I thought it was fitting!

I loved this house. 

The French Market.

World Famous Cafe du Monde.

Beignets. They are every bit as delicious as they look. J was such a sweetheart and bought me beignet mix and coffee from Cafe du Monde that we brought home with us. Too bad those don't exactly fit into our wedding diets! We'll have to make them for a special Sunday treat one day. After going to the gym.

Cafe Fleur de Lis where we had our last breakfast in the city. I thought my sorority sisters would appreciate this.

There are places I'll remember, all my life.

(The Beatles. "In My Life". Our song.)

On June 5, 2009, we moved in together. And on June 5, 2010, we got engaged. *

We woke up on Saturday morning and went to breakfast just the two of us. It was ridiculously hot outside, but it was also the first day of sunshine that we had in New Orleans. It was incredibly nice to just walk through the city with J... honestly, it's my favorite part of any trip we take, just being together, taking in the scenery. We originally planned to go to Cafe du Monde and get some beignets, but there was a massive line around the block, so we walked through Jackson Square, past the Cathedral, and just happened on this little place in the French Quarter for breakfast.

The restaurant, on the corner of Chartres and St. Louis. It's been there since 1788.

We had coffee and split french toast and biscuits and gravy. Most of the breakfast crowd had emptied out and we were sitting along the back wall by ourselves. I was staring into space, enjoying my coffee, and grilling J on why he was acting so strangely. He pulled the ring out of his pocket and asked me if I would have coffee with him everyday for the rest of our lives. I said yes. Promptly followed by "Put it on, put it on, put it on." And then, "Holy shit." We walked around the city for an hour trying to find a ring guard for it and eventually just used band-aids to make it fit. (It's currently being sized and I feel like I'm missing a limb.)

The ring is perfect and beautiful and everything I want. And our engagement was simple but wonderful and totally fits us. And my fiancee... is everything. He is the best man that I have ever known. And he's the person that I want to wander around cities with and drink coffee with every morning and that I want next to me through everything, through my whole life and all the experiences, forever.

Riding the St. Charles Streetcar, post-engagement.

I can't wait to get married. I can't wait to add to our family. I'm so excited and happy and blessed to be a part of his family and for him to be part of mine and for us to move on to the next chapter of our amazing life together. I can't wait to see where the journey takes us. And I can't wait to share it with our amazing family and friends, who have been so good to us, and who have made us feel so loved. I couldn't be happier.

Ok, I'll be ever so slightly happier when this is back where it belongs.

* (And on October 1, 2011, we will be getting married. Pending finding a ceremony/reception site on that day, of course.)