(A Perfect Circle)
Sometimes I put shuffle on my iPod and I get nothing that I want to hear. And then sometimes, it's like a playlist that was built specifically for how I'm feeling. The weather has been grey and rainy for going on three days now. I'm frazzled and numb all at once and I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts out coherently. Today, my iPod spit this out at me... and it was perfect:
- "Alive with the Glory of Love" by Say Anything
- "The Funeral" by Band of Horses
- "Big Empty" by Stone Temple Pilots
- "Rose" by A Perfect Circle
- "1979" by Smashing Pumpkins
- "What Ever Happened" by the Strokes
They're all songs that I feel really connected with, songs that hit you right in the heart when you hear them. And I needed that today. I haven't been writing because I'm too overwhelmed with life right now and I hate reading back over old entries and sounding whiny or bitchy or ungrateful. I'm not unhappy, I just have a lot of shit of going on. I have plans every week-end from now until October.
Plus, in the past month, we've booked our DJ (the awesome guy that hosts live trivia every week. we're doing a mini trivia session during the reception), our day of coordinator, our photographers (who I love and secretly hope we'll end up being friends with) and had our first meeting with the caterer. Dress shopping with my Mom didn't go so well. It was overwhelming, no one had what I wanted, I didn't get emotional, the girl at Priscilla of Boston was way too pushy and it wasn't the shopping for my wedding dress experience that I wanted to have. Even though it can't be epically stressful- I really do freakin' love being a bride.
And... My best friend gets here on Friday and I just really need to see her and talk and get pedicures and eat carbs. Also this week? I started the fall semester for my grad program... three classes a week, all of which I'm super excited about, all of which will require a ton of focus, commitment and work. I also start my assistantship this week... And I have a third interview with a small academic library. With the president of the college. Last week, I had a three hour interview there... which went great, but made me feel totally exhausted. The experience would be amazing and the extra cash would be fantastic for our wedding fund.
And listing all this? Doesn't really clue you in to how I'm feeling or what I'm doing at all, huh? I'm relieved that we've gotten so much done for the wedding already and I'm glad that I started so early. I did a ton of research and I feel confident and happy about everything we've decided and booked. I've gotten a lot of ideas for the wedding and I'm excited about planning some of the more personal and fun stuff. That being said, I feel like my brain is oversaturated with lace and tulle and peonies and tons and tons of wedding crap. There is so much detail involved that it's easy to feel like you're drowning. I need a break so that I can come back and look at all this stuff with a fresh eye.
I'm excited for all the plans that we have for fall... seeing Z this week-end, Amelia Island with J, going to Atlanta to see Winnie, our girls trip to Myrtle Beach... and mostly, and I never thought I'd say this, I'm just excited for fall. This summer has been long and hot and I'm ready for a change. I'm excited to spend the holidays with our families, for some cooler weather, for long walks in the morning with Sam that don't leave both of us panting, for pumpkin spice lattes and cardigans. I am not looking forward to buying new jeans, which I desperately need.
I haven't gained any weight since I last mentioned it, but I also haven't gone to the gym in a month... so I've lost some muscle mass and probably replaced it with flab. I went five days with no sugar a few weeks ago, which tightened up my abs, but also made me angry and hateful at the world. I'm trying to strike a balance with this whole diet and exercise thing. I don't want to feel like I'm punishing myself. I don't want to look in the mirror- at my totally normal and relatively healthy body- and beat myself up. I don't want to deny myself. Life is too effing short to diet. I just want to feel healthy and have energy and feel like through diet and exercise I'm taking care of myself. The whole meal planning, being an adult, gym thing... it's a struggle for me and I'm still trying to figure out how to tackle it. But, I did just buy new running shoes so there's some motivation to move about at least.
School is school and work is work and change is change. J and I just celebrated our two year anniversary. This is the first time I've reached this milestone with someone and I haven't had a foot out the door. We are a work in progress, much like our house, and this life but we are really building something here. I feel like a work in progress a lot lately. Balance and stability are two things that I desperately need but that I have a really hard time finding.
And that, in a nutshell, is why I haven't been here. Because I've been out living and working on things. But you mustn't think that I haven't thought about you, dear little blog. As a matter of fact, I am trying to find a way to work in some new features on here... For one, I consume a ton of books, tv, movies, pop culture and random facts everyday and I'd like to find a way to share my favorites with you... in a non-list format. Two, I have this really great camera... that I sort of don't use often enough... and some blog related motivation might fix that. I'm striving to be better in so many ways. Being more present on here is definitely on the list.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I know it's way too short, it rarely lasts too long
(Stroke 9)
I'm anxiously awaiting news and I can't really focus on much else besides waiting for this phone call. I get like this- single minded. There is some small amount of news on this end, of course it's all wedding related, so I'm sort of not really wanting to share until some more stuff happens. Which will be very soon. Plus, I go back to school next week, start my assistantship, my best friend is coming to visit, J and I are celebrating our two year anniversary... you know, lots of stuff going on, but just... not yet. Waiting sucks. But I'm here. I'm still right here.
I'm anxiously awaiting news and I can't really focus on much else besides waiting for this phone call. I get like this- single minded. There is some small amount of news on this end, of course it's all wedding related, so I'm sort of not really wanting to share until some more stuff happens. Which will be very soon. Plus, I go back to school next week, start my assistantship, my best friend is coming to visit, J and I are celebrating our two year anniversary... you know, lots of stuff going on, but just... not yet. Waiting sucks. But I'm here. I'm still right here.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Nobody told me you were a sucker for a kiss
(New Found Glory)
- It is a dance party for one with me all the time. Z will tell you that in my younger days, I not only danced in the grocery store, but I had a special dance called the grocery cart dance.
- My grandfather has the same greeting every time I talk to him, whether it's in person or on the phone: "Well, Hey Sug'!" It is, literally, one of my very favorite things on the planet and it never fails to make me feel totally and completely loved. I called him on Thursday to ask him to marry J and I (in addition to being an amazing carpenter- who made both my crib and my hope chest- Paw Paw is also an ordained pastor). (And he said yes.)
- I hate our grocery store. I mean, I love Publix. I truly do- shopping at Safeway and Giant for 10 months in DC sucked. But, I hate the Publix that is literally a quarter of a mile from our house and therefore unavoidably convenient because it is also right next to the University and it is always fulls of girls in too little clothing and too much make-up and occasionally I like to go to the grocery store and not feel like it's frakkin' fashion show.
- Sometimes when I'm singing in the car, I look over and fully expect to see you looking back at me.
- I regret losing my virginity to someone who hated the Doors. I should have waited. For someone who actually appreciated the music of the 1970's.
- My favorite line in any Bret Easton Ellis novel is, "I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger." It perfectly sums up this 5 page stream of consciousness about drugs and sex across Europe. And it's exactly how I've felt sometimes when major changes were underfoot. Like, who am I and how the hell did I get here?
- There are very few people in my life that I love unconditionally. I would imagine most people are this way, but perhaps not. I think a relationship has to be really tested first, so I think you have to know someone for a pretty long time to qualify. Among my "people"? J, of course. A precious few friends. And JLM, the first person besides my Mom to tell me, show me, prove to me that there's nothing I could do to make you stop loving me. Knowing this has saved me more times than you know.
- What I forgot to say about "Almost Famous" in this post was that it verbalized this feeling about music in a way that I had never been able to. What it feels like to love something so outside of yourself so much... "To truly love some band or some silly little piece of music so much that it hurts." I felt this way for a really long time and there are days I fear I am slowly growing out of it. I hope not. I hope that new music just really sucks and it's not me getting old, too.
- It is a dance party for one with me all the time. Z will tell you that in my younger days, I not only danced in the grocery store, but I had a special dance called the grocery cart dance.
- My grandfather has the same greeting every time I talk to him, whether it's in person or on the phone: "Well, Hey Sug'!" It is, literally, one of my very favorite things on the planet and it never fails to make me feel totally and completely loved. I called him on Thursday to ask him to marry J and I (in addition to being an amazing carpenter- who made both my crib and my hope chest- Paw Paw is also an ordained pastor). (And he said yes.)
- I hate our grocery store. I mean, I love Publix. I truly do- shopping at Safeway and Giant for 10 months in DC sucked. But, I hate the Publix that is literally a quarter of a mile from our house and therefore unavoidably convenient because it is also right next to the University and it is always fulls of girls in too little clothing and too much make-up and occasionally I like to go to the grocery store and not feel like it's frakkin' fashion show.
- Sometimes when I'm singing in the car, I look over and fully expect to see you looking back at me.
- I regret losing my virginity to someone who hated the Doors. I should have waited. For someone who actually appreciated the music of the 1970's.
- My favorite line in any Bret Easton Ellis novel is, "I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger." It perfectly sums up this 5 page stream of consciousness about drugs and sex across Europe. And it's exactly how I've felt sometimes when major changes were underfoot. Like, who am I and how the hell did I get here?
- There are very few people in my life that I love unconditionally. I would imagine most people are this way, but perhaps not. I think a relationship has to be really tested first, so I think you have to know someone for a pretty long time to qualify. Among my "people"? J, of course. A precious few friends. And JLM, the first person besides my Mom to tell me, show me, prove to me that there's nothing I could do to make you stop loving me. Knowing this has saved me more times than you know.
- What I forgot to say about "Almost Famous" in this post was that it verbalized this feeling about music in a way that I had never been able to. What it feels like to love something so outside of yourself so much... "To truly love some band or some silly little piece of music so much that it hurts." I felt this way for a really long time and there are days I fear I am slowly growing out of it. I hope not. I hope that new music just really sucks and it's not me getting old, too.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
send a heart to all my dearies, when your life is so so dreary
(Smashing Pumpkins)
The past few days have been mostly suck with a side of frustrated fail. J has been sick, it's been a barrage of nonstop rain in Central Florida, and I have been battling a serious dose of melancholy. And... I'm dealing with things that I just can't talk about. It seems that my life has always lacked enough stability and that even now, I'm fighting for something I can depend on. I got some free therapy/advice from my Mom but mostly, I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to note the valley, lest you all think that my life is an endless stream of undeserved luck. Life, relationships, happiness... it's a lot of fucking work. And sometimes, I feel utterly unequipped for the task at hand.
The past few days have been mostly suck with a side of frustrated fail. J has been sick, it's been a barrage of nonstop rain in Central Florida, and I have been battling a serious dose of melancholy. And... I'm dealing with things that I just can't talk about. It seems that my life has always lacked enough stability and that even now, I'm fighting for something I can depend on. I got some free therapy/advice from my Mom but mostly, I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to note the valley, lest you all think that my life is an endless stream of undeserved luck. Life, relationships, happiness... it's a lot of fucking work. And sometimes, I feel utterly unequipped for the task at hand.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
lay your head down child, I won't let the boogeyman come
(A Perfect Circle)
Insomnia. Is such a bitch. Not sleeping. For days. Or weeks. Or not sleeping well. For months. Is one of the worst things you can do to your body and your psyche. I went through a phase like this Junior year of college for about six months. First I couldn't stay asleep and then I couldn't fall asleep. And how I fixed it the last time is decidedly not an option this time. Now, it's a mixture of all kinds of things. Sometimes I can't stay asleep. Sometimes I have nightmares. Awesome. Sometimes I can't fall asleep. And sometimes I can't fall asleep fast enough, meaning before J does. Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to lie awake next to someone who is so obviously sleeping blissfully? It blows. Insomnia fucking blows.
Insomnia. Is such a bitch. Not sleeping. For days. Or weeks. Or not sleeping well. For months. Is one of the worst things you can do to your body and your psyche. I went through a phase like this Junior year of college for about six months. First I couldn't stay asleep and then I couldn't fall asleep. And how I fixed it the last time is decidedly not an option this time. Now, it's a mixture of all kinds of things. Sometimes I can't stay asleep. Sometimes I have nightmares. Awesome. Sometimes I can't fall asleep. And sometimes I can't fall asleep fast enough, meaning before J does. Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to lie awake next to someone who is so obviously sleeping blissfully? It blows. Insomnia fucking blows.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
at a parking lot appointment, now my heart is on the run and skipping beats
(Fight From Above)
Every time I talk to a friend lately, I find myself saying... "Well, besides the wedding, there's no news. But, I'm really happy, I can't complain." And you know what? It's totally true. I am really really happy. Wedding planning is a little overwhelming but the details are really starting to come together. My bridesmaids and maid of honor are amazing and have started to come up with some bridesmaid dresses I really love. I have a list of photographers within our budget whose work totally thrills me that we need to interview. Rick Peterson, our trivia guy, just agreed to emcee our wedding- and do a mini trivia round during the reception. The appointment to try on The Dress has been made.I n spite of myself, it's all coming together. I am SO glad that I started planning early.
J's job is going great, even though he's working almost 70 hours a week right now. We'll celebrate our two year anniversay at the end of the month. We're going to do a belated celebration and go to Amelia Island for a long week-end sometime in September. Amazing, because we hardly ever get to take a trip that's just us. We're also in the midst of planning our trip to Atlanta to see Winnie and her husband in October. Having things to look forward to is the best. And being surrounded by friends makes me happy. Jimmy is here right now, which is awesome. That kid makes me laugh... and, of course, Z will be here at the end of the month and I absolutely cannot wait. There will be tons of wedding stuff, trying on dresses, heading to the beach, many carbs to consume, and pedicures at our favorite place to have done.
Can you tell I had too much caffeine this morning? I've just felt sunny all day. I met up with Olive for a long brunch this morning and it was so good to see her. I'm just... really grateful for my life right now. I thrive when I have balance... when I have plans, when I feel connected to my friends, when I'm being productive. Since the past few weeks have been anything but balanced it feels nice to get back into a groove again.
Every time I talk to a friend lately, I find myself saying... "Well, besides the wedding, there's no news. But, I'm really happy, I can't complain." And you know what? It's totally true. I am really really happy. Wedding planning is a little overwhelming but the details are really starting to come together. My bridesmaids and maid of honor are amazing and have started to come up with some bridesmaid dresses I really love. I have a list of photographers within our budget whose work totally thrills me that we need to interview. Rick Peterson, our trivia guy, just agreed to emcee our wedding- and do a mini trivia round during the reception. The appointment to try on The Dress has been made.I n spite of myself, it's all coming together. I am SO glad that I started planning early.
J's job is going great, even though he's working almost 70 hours a week right now. We'll celebrate our two year anniversay at the end of the month. We're going to do a belated celebration and go to Amelia Island for a long week-end sometime in September. Amazing, because we hardly ever get to take a trip that's just us. We're also in the midst of planning our trip to Atlanta to see Winnie and her husband in October. Having things to look forward to is the best. And being surrounded by friends makes me happy. Jimmy is here right now, which is awesome. That kid makes me laugh... and, of course, Z will be here at the end of the month and I absolutely cannot wait. There will be tons of wedding stuff, trying on dresses, heading to the beach, many carbs to consume, and pedicures at our favorite place to have done.
Can you tell I had too much caffeine this morning? I've just felt sunny all day. I met up with Olive for a long brunch this morning and it was so good to see her. I'm just... really grateful for my life right now. I thrive when I have balance... when I have plans, when I feel connected to my friends, when I'm being productive. Since the past few weeks have been anything but balanced it feels nice to get back into a groove again.
blew a kiss and tried to take it home
(Stone Temple Pilots)
- My "list"? Mark Wahlberg, Scott Weiland, Alexandar Skarsgard. And Anthony Bourdain. Don't judge me. I've had a crush on Mark Wahlberg since I saw the video for "Good Vibrations" in like 1992? I was six.
- I know exactly how many days it's been since the last time I cried over every single boy I really loved.
- I have no idea what makes some people good and some people bad, but I still really believe that people are basically good.
- I've loved riding in the car at night my whole life. My earliest memory is riding in the car with my parents one night, eating a Skor bar, and being totally fascinated by the lights rushing by.
- Sometimes, the very best part of my day is getting a random smile from a stranger.
- My "list"? Mark Wahlberg, Scott Weiland, Alexandar Skarsgard. And Anthony Bourdain. Don't judge me. I've had a crush on Mark Wahlberg since I saw the video for "Good Vibrations" in like 1992? I was six.
- I know exactly how many days it's been since the last time I cried over every single boy I really loved.
- I have no idea what makes some people good and some people bad, but I still really believe that people are basically good.
- I've loved riding in the car at night my whole life. My earliest memory is riding in the car with my parents one night, eating a Skor bar, and being totally fascinated by the lights rushing by.
- Sometimes, the very best part of my day is getting a random smile from a stranger.
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