(Incubus)
Oy, you guys. I think the past few months are finally catching up to me. It seems like the more time I'm supposed to have free, the more and more I just want to sleep. I can't ever remember being this tired before. I came home from work yesterday, sat down on the couch, and around 6:30 turned to J and said, "I'm totally ready for bed already." Eek. So not normal. And for the past week, I've been averaging between 8-12 hours a night. Besides kind of having a cold though, I feel fine. Just unbelievably tired.
And sleeping so much? It sort of makes me feel blue. Not really depressed, just kind of mopey. It doesn't help that I totally loathe winter. Even in Florida. I love fall, but once the thermostat shows that it's below 60 outside, I'm already ready for summer again. And I know it's Christmas, and there are lots of people here, and lights, and music, and presents and that's all quite lovely and all.
I just feel like there are so many things that I need to do still and it just never stops. And the basics- going to work, buying groceries, going to the gym... are just totally draining me right now.
Needless to say, the tired and the blues don't make for the best blog fodder. I have my New Year's Resolutions and if I look back at 2010, I can honestly say it was such a better year than the one before or even the one before that. I'm totally looking forward to 2011 (holy crap, 2011) and I have so so much that I want to say... there is wedding planning, friends that won't grow the eff up, a new job search starting in March (I am finally joining the real world in May and I need something full time), trips and visits and some new features that I want to do and really, life life life.
But, first, I really need to learn when to say when. And I need a nap. Today is my last day of work until the 3rd and I am going to thoroughly enjoy my days off. I don't know when I'll be back. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it might not be until the week after that. Let's just hope that whenever it is, I come back feeling rested and refreshed and ready.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
every song we played looser than the last
(Local H)
It's a ramble today, folks. Fair warning.
I heard this song on the radio on my way into work this morning. Gah, I love Local H. It drives me crazy that everyone, even people on the radio, mis-state that "Bound for the Floor" is titled "Copacetic" but besides that I'm always happy to hear them getting some airtime. They've been around forever and their music always sounds just like them. It's comforting in a way... sometimes I think bands try too hard to reinvent the wheel.
I'm having a good day. It's freezing outside, but it's sunny. I was having a melancholy moment yesterday. Only child Christmas cold weather short daylight too many layers syndrome. Most of the time, I just don't really process that Z is in DC or that Teddi is in NY or that Winnie is in Atlanta or whatever. I mean, I know it... but I don't think about it. And then sometimes, it just really hits hard. I love my friends here in Orlando and I'm lucky that I'm still close with my best friends despite the distance. But, sometimes, I just really want the people I love to all be here, within arm's reach, for pedicures, and sushi, and chick flicks, and in person talks.
Talking to Z and Teddi and Mel last night really helped. And I kicked my own ass at the gym last night and I'm having a responsible adult week which means that I've cooked and the house is mostly clean and I'm being semi-productive. And I sat and played video games (Monkey Island. LucasArts is re-releasing a bunch of games that J and I both played as kids. Amazing.) with my fiance, and cuddled my dog, and sat bundled up in front of the Christmas tree and got over the feeling sorry for myself.
I need something new to read... Last night, I ended up re-reading part of How to Kill a Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartalo. I was reading this book when I was in the midst of things with B. I had forgotten a lot of the plot of it, but reading parts... pages I had dog-eared... it reminded me so much of who I was then, what I thought about love and life. How so much can change and yet so much can stay the same. Parts of the book still really resonate with me. That connection you have with someone who feels things the same way you do, the music (they actually quote "Just Like Heaven" in one of the chapters), the way it feels like the universe is just clicking everything into place.
DeBartolo does this great job of portraying all those feelings... desire, falling in love- that heady, drowning, drunk sort of near-delirium addiction that can come with the first stages, and all the pain and regret and confusion that comes when you're dealing with the shit part of it. But, then, a lot of the plot... I was really annoyed. With these stupid characters who can't just grow the fuck up and communicate with each other long enough to work their bullshit problems out. (Which isn't to say that real life relationships aren't messy and complicated. And I don't want to give the book away but, really... forcing the love of your life to break up with you by letting him catch you kiss someone that you don't love because he won't go on tour without you and you're terrified of flying and you don't want to ruin his career... blah fucking blah.)
I guess that this is growing up. ("It's alright, to tell me, what you think, about me...") What a difference time and circumstance and a little perspective make, huh? I still AM that girl. I still feel all those things. But the way I think about them all, about it all, is so different now.
The past two years have been fast, but really I think about the last four or so... and it just blows my mind. They say that time speeds up the older you get. Obviously, the getting married is a big step... but then people ask you about babies and you say, 29ish? Which is in TWO years. And you think, holy crap. And then... well. Two years. I could be, probably will be, in a wholly different world by then. Change is the only constant. Life throws things at us that we can't possibly predict or prevent, but you know... some of the best things in life have been complete surprises...
Soldiering on. I'm tired, but then, I'm pretty much always tired. Work is going well... The first few weeks were a little rough, but everyone seems to have warmed up to me. I like my work, I like my boss, I like having my own space. It's good resume experience. Plus, President's Brunch at work this morning. I'll say this for my current job, they certainly feed us more often than just about anywhere else I've been.
School is finally over for at least three weeks.So far, I have two A's and I'm waiting on the final grade for my last class, but I'm hopeful that one will be an A as well. Straight A's this semester. One. More. Semester. I can't wait to be done in May... I've loved my program and all but, I'm so ready to be done with this chapter. Working full time and going to school full time... it's a challenge.
Besides all that... life is good. Wedding planning is going... I should really write a whole post of an update about that soon. J and I got our Christmas tree up and it smells better than any tree I can remember having. I have from the 23rd to the 2nd off of work since the library is closed. My best friend will be in town. I have Christmas cards to write and gifts to buy and wrap... but, you know, I got those damn library books back to the library so, there's that. Besides blowing out my power strip at work this morning, trying to run my space heater and print something at the same time, all systems are go.
I just wish I had time for a smallish nap. And after re-reading this post, I sort of feel like my brain is a little short-circuited. Oh well. Keeping it real, I suppose.
It's a ramble today, folks. Fair warning.
I heard this song on the radio on my way into work this morning. Gah, I love Local H. It drives me crazy that everyone, even people on the radio, mis-state that "Bound for the Floor" is titled "Copacetic" but besides that I'm always happy to hear them getting some airtime. They've been around forever and their music always sounds just like them. It's comforting in a way... sometimes I think bands try too hard to reinvent the wheel.
I'm having a good day. It's freezing outside, but it's sunny. I was having a melancholy moment yesterday. Only child Christmas cold weather short daylight too many layers syndrome. Most of the time, I just don't really process that Z is in DC or that Teddi is in NY or that Winnie is in Atlanta or whatever. I mean, I know it... but I don't think about it. And then sometimes, it just really hits hard. I love my friends here in Orlando and I'm lucky that I'm still close with my best friends despite the distance. But, sometimes, I just really want the people I love to all be here, within arm's reach, for pedicures, and sushi, and chick flicks, and in person talks.
Talking to Z and Teddi and Mel last night really helped. And I kicked my own ass at the gym last night and I'm having a responsible adult week which means that I've cooked and the house is mostly clean and I'm being semi-productive. And I sat and played video games (Monkey Island. LucasArts is re-releasing a bunch of games that J and I both played as kids. Amazing.) with my fiance, and cuddled my dog, and sat bundled up in front of the Christmas tree and got over the feeling sorry for myself.
I need something new to read... Last night, I ended up re-reading part of How to Kill a Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartalo. I was reading this book when I was in the midst of things with B. I had forgotten a lot of the plot of it, but reading parts... pages I had dog-eared... it reminded me so much of who I was then, what I thought about love and life. How so much can change and yet so much can stay the same. Parts of the book still really resonate with me. That connection you have with someone who feels things the same way you do, the music (they actually quote "Just Like Heaven" in one of the chapters), the way it feels like the universe is just clicking everything into place.
DeBartolo does this great job of portraying all those feelings... desire, falling in love- that heady, drowning, drunk sort of near-delirium addiction that can come with the first stages, and all the pain and regret and confusion that comes when you're dealing with the shit part of it. But, then, a lot of the plot... I was really annoyed. With these stupid characters who can't just grow the fuck up and communicate with each other long enough to work their bullshit problems out. (Which isn't to say that real life relationships aren't messy and complicated. And I don't want to give the book away but, really... forcing the love of your life to break up with you by letting him catch you kiss someone that you don't love because he won't go on tour without you and you're terrified of flying and you don't want to ruin his career... blah fucking blah.)
I guess that this is growing up. ("It's alright, to tell me, what you think, about me...") What a difference time and circumstance and a little perspective make, huh? I still AM that girl. I still feel all those things. But the way I think about them all, about it all, is so different now.
The past two years have been fast, but really I think about the last four or so... and it just blows my mind. They say that time speeds up the older you get. Obviously, the getting married is a big step... but then people ask you about babies and you say, 29ish? Which is in TWO years. And you think, holy crap. And then... well. Two years. I could be, probably will be, in a wholly different world by then. Change is the only constant. Life throws things at us that we can't possibly predict or prevent, but you know... some of the best things in life have been complete surprises...
Soldiering on. I'm tired, but then, I'm pretty much always tired. Work is going well... The first few weeks were a little rough, but everyone seems to have warmed up to me. I like my work, I like my boss, I like having my own space. It's good resume experience. Plus, President's Brunch at work this morning. I'll say this for my current job, they certainly feed us more often than just about anywhere else I've been.
School is finally over for at least three weeks.
Besides all that... life is good. Wedding planning is going... I should really write a whole post of an update about that soon. J and I got our Christmas tree up and it smells better than any tree I can remember having. I have from the 23rd to the 2nd off of work since the library is closed. My best friend will be in town. I have Christmas cards to write and gifts to buy and wrap... but, you know, I got those damn library books back to the library so, there's that. Besides blowing out my power strip at work this morning, trying to run my space heater and print something at the same time, all systems are go.
I just wish I had time for a smallish nap. And after re-reading this post, I sort of feel like my brain is a little short-circuited. Oh well. Keeping it real, I suppose.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
light strikes a deal with each coming night...
(Iron and Wine)
We're so quick to see our faults rather than our strengths, aren't we? We being us, the human race, in general. We're quick to see them in others too, quick to judge, quick to blame. It's much harder, much less accepted, being an optimist rather than a pessimist. But, at the end of the day, I think that most of us really want to see the good, the beautiful, the kind or the generous. I think that hope is what makes us human. And at the end of the day, even though it would be easy to see all the tiny little ways that people suck sometimes, I feel like I'm constantly shown how wonderful they can be instead.
Maybe it's the whole bridal wedding love bliss, or the holiday goodwill towards man, or just the fact that I feel so lucky and loved... But this eternal pessimist is making a solid effort to change her stripes. And seeing the good in other people means trying to see it in myself, too.
I spend so much time being unhappy with my body. Wanting to change it, trying to figure out how. Which calorie can I cut or which magical exercise can I do to make my waist slimmer or my arms less jiggly or my butt the size it used to be? I slip up and I beat myself up about it. I'm sick and I feel guilty for missing work. I haven't sent out my Christmas cards yet and I have library books that are two weeks overdue and a paper due on Thursday that I haven't started yet and I see all of these things as signs of how I am failing or falling apart or just not measuring up. When, really, they are just things. Just circumstances. None of which are really lethal.
What's harder for me is to acknowledge when I'm doing something right. Partially, I think that it's due to us being conditioned, from birth, to downplay our own strengths or achievements. It's not nice to brag or to boast. I also hesitate to say how far I've come because it seems like I'm testing the universe or something. Like, hey, look I have my shit somewhat together... shouldn't you come knock me down again?
I think the biggest changes are just time and outlook. I've tried really hard to change my own behavior. A year ago, I was so unhappy with the realization that getting everything you want doesn't make you happy. That happiness isn't this place that you just arrive at and have a party in forever. That it's something that really is found in the individual moments. And that these are only really possible when life is good. That a bad day does not a bad life make. I no longer feel like the world is crashing down around my ears every three days. I'm able more often now to let the bad moment be a bad moment and move on. And that is epic progress.
This is largely due to J, but I no longer feel like everyone is going to leave me if I'm not perfect. My relationship with J has made my friendships better. And also largely due to J is this feeling of a bigger picture. Like all this work is for something. That I deserve this whole being happy thing because I do try really hard and I really have grown a lot.
It's not something that's easy to admit and it's something that very few people in a happy relationship will tell you but, getting engaged gave me a bit of a panic attack. I adore J and I want to get married very very much. To him. But after we got engaged every disagreement became the fight of the century. Why? Because every time we fought over something incredibly stupid, I thought... Will we have this fight for the rest of our lives? Will I be 75 and still fighting about turning the fan off when you leave the room? Holy shit. What am I signing up for?
The thing that's awesome and amazing and that has made me 110% ready to do this is that I could go to him and say that. I can go to J and say, I'm feeling anxious or scared or insecure or hurt or BLANK and he gives me a space where I can be safe with that. And for my part, I think that's made me a lot less prone to freaking out about it all. Like, we have a problem, we deal with it, we move on. And we'll probably always have some sort of something we're dealing with, but I can pretty much rest assured it won't be the same thing at least.
And instead of that making me feel hopeless... it makes me feel hopeful. I don't think I'm in some magical place where I am as mature or as good or as self-aware as I will ever be, which is probably the difference between me now and me at 20. But I'm glad that I can look back on the past few years and not feel like I'm missing something anymore. I feel grateful and happy to have the experiences but I really feel like life is still just beginning. And that it's only going to get better. And I can get better too.
We're so quick to see our faults rather than our strengths, aren't we? We being us, the human race, in general. We're quick to see them in others too, quick to judge, quick to blame. It's much harder, much less accepted, being an optimist rather than a pessimist. But, at the end of the day, I think that most of us really want to see the good, the beautiful, the kind or the generous. I think that hope is what makes us human. And at the end of the day, even though it would be easy to see all the tiny little ways that people suck sometimes, I feel like I'm constantly shown how wonderful they can be instead.
Maybe it's the whole bridal wedding love bliss, or the holiday goodwill towards man, or just the fact that I feel so lucky and loved... But this eternal pessimist is making a solid effort to change her stripes. And seeing the good in other people means trying to see it in myself, too.
I spend so much time being unhappy with my body. Wanting to change it, trying to figure out how. Which calorie can I cut or which magical exercise can I do to make my waist slimmer or my arms less jiggly or my butt the size it used to be? I slip up and I beat myself up about it. I'm sick and I feel guilty for missing work. I haven't sent out my Christmas cards yet and I have library books that are two weeks overdue and a paper due on Thursday that I haven't started yet and I see all of these things as signs of how I am failing or falling apart or just not measuring up. When, really, they are just things. Just circumstances. None of which are really lethal.
What's harder for me is to acknowledge when I'm doing something right. Partially, I think that it's due to us being conditioned, from birth, to downplay our own strengths or achievements. It's not nice to brag or to boast. I also hesitate to say how far I've come because it seems like I'm testing the universe or something. Like, hey, look I have my shit somewhat together... shouldn't you come knock me down again?
I think the biggest changes are just time and outlook. I've tried really hard to change my own behavior. A year ago, I was so unhappy with the realization that getting everything you want doesn't make you happy. That happiness isn't this place that you just arrive at and have a party in forever. That it's something that really is found in the individual moments. And that these are only really possible when life is good. That a bad day does not a bad life make. I no longer feel like the world is crashing down around my ears every three days. I'm able more often now to let the bad moment be a bad moment and move on. And that is epic progress.
This is largely due to J, but I no longer feel like everyone is going to leave me if I'm not perfect. My relationship with J has made my friendships better. And also largely due to J is this feeling of a bigger picture. Like all this work is for something. That I deserve this whole being happy thing because I do try really hard and I really have grown a lot.
It's not something that's easy to admit and it's something that very few people in a happy relationship will tell you but, getting engaged gave me a bit of a panic attack. I adore J and I want to get married very very much. To him. But after we got engaged every disagreement became the fight of the century. Why? Because every time we fought over something incredibly stupid, I thought... Will we have this fight for the rest of our lives? Will I be 75 and still fighting about turning the fan off when you leave the room? Holy shit. What am I signing up for?
The thing that's awesome and amazing and that has made me 110% ready to do this is that I could go to him and say that. I can go to J and say, I'm feeling anxious or scared or insecure or hurt or BLANK and he gives me a space where I can be safe with that. And for my part, I think that's made me a lot less prone to freaking out about it all. Like, we have a problem, we deal with it, we move on. And we'll probably always have some sort of something we're dealing with, but I can pretty much rest assured it won't be the same thing at least.
And instead of that making me feel hopeless... it makes me feel hopeful. I don't think I'm in some magical place where I am as mature or as good or as self-aware as I will ever be, which is probably the difference between me now and me at 20. But I'm glad that I can look back on the past few years and not feel like I'm missing something anymore. I feel grateful and happy to have the experiences but I really feel like life is still just beginning. And that it's only going to get better. And I can get better too.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
the fun will never end
(Adventure Time. J's favorite cartoon. We always joke that our friend Jimmy totally could have written it.)
Confession.
When I am sick, it feels like the world is coming to an end. I stress, I whine, I feel incredibly sorry for myself. It's not just whiny in a "ugh, I feel SO terrible, I'm going to DIE" sort of way... it's also a "Why is this happening to meeeee????" Because being sick is not only never convenient, it also comes right when you've either been looking forward to something forever or you've been putting off something forever and now you have to get it done. Even though you're sick. Like the final paper for your last class of the semester. Or a cake tasting with two of your friends that you haven't seen in several weeks. Or your Mom's Preschool's Christmas Pageant. Or, you know, work. That thing that I do that gives me money to pay our bills and to buy Christmas presents. Being sick isn't just inconvenient to me right now- it also makes me feel like I'm letting everyone else down. And being a disappointment? That, friends, is my worst fear.
Confession.
When I am sick, it feels like the world is coming to an end. I stress, I whine, I feel incredibly sorry for myself. It's not just whiny in a "ugh, I feel SO terrible, I'm going to DIE" sort of way... it's also a "Why is this happening to meeeee????" Because being sick is not only never convenient, it also comes right when you've either been looking forward to something forever or you've been putting off something forever and now you have to get it done. Even though you're sick. Like the final paper for your last class of the semester. Or a cake tasting with two of your friends that you haven't seen in several weeks. Or your Mom's Preschool's Christmas Pageant. Or, you know, work. That thing that I do that gives me money to pay our bills and to buy Christmas presents. Being sick isn't just inconvenient to me right now- it also makes me feel like I'm letting everyone else down. And being a disappointment? That, friends, is my worst fear.
Monday, December 6, 2010
We're here tonight and that's enough.
(Paul McCartney)
I can't believe that it's already December. I've been in survival mode the past few weeks and I was just wondering what happened to October. I have a lot of holiday catching up to do! There are cards to be written and sent (I believe there's nothing quite like a hand-written card to make you feel loved) and gifts to be bought and cookies to be baked and movies to be watched! And songs to be listened to.
My favorite Christmas songs:
- Paul McCartney- "Wonderful Christmastime". It's so quirky and delightful.
- The Beach Boys- "Little Saint Nick". Coke commericals are my favorite at Christmas time. I don't care if it's blatant consumerism- that little polar bear? Adorable. And this song sounds like Florida at Christmastime.
- Vince Guaraldi Trio- Um, absolutely anything. "Linus and Lucy" is my ring tone, but "Skating" sounds the most like Christmas to me.
- Louis Armstrong- "Christmas in New Orleans". I adore Louis Armstrong and this is one song that you don't hear in every department store during the holidays.
- Eartha Kitt- "Santa Baby". Classic, and covered way too many times, but it's not Christmas without it.
- "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". I like the Kermit the Frog version, personally, but really just about any version of this song is a good one.
- Brenda Lee- "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree". I always listen to this when I'm decorating our tree. It feels very Mad Men- Christmas on too much eggnog.
- Ramones- "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)". So fun.
- Charles Brown- "Please Come Home for Christmas". (Lots of sources say that this song is "Bells Will Be Ringing".) Blues-y and a little sad. I didn't really get the meaning of this one until I was living in DC and far away from most of my nearest and dearest during the holidays. I feel extra lucky to be celebrating our second Christmas in our little home (and our third together) with a real live extra-good-smelling tree and a small dose of sweater worthy weather.
- Gayla Peevy. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." This is so me at 8 or 9.
Can you tell I dig the quirky? What are your favorite holiday tunes?
I can't believe that it's already December. I've been in survival mode the past few weeks and I was just wondering what happened to October. I have a lot of holiday catching up to do! There are cards to be written and sent (I believe there's nothing quite like a hand-written card to make you feel loved) and gifts to be bought and cookies to be baked and movies to be watched! And songs to be listened to.
My favorite Christmas songs:
- Paul McCartney- "Wonderful Christmastime". It's so quirky and delightful.
- The Beach Boys- "Little Saint Nick". Coke commericals are my favorite at Christmas time. I don't care if it's blatant consumerism- that little polar bear? Adorable. And this song sounds like Florida at Christmastime.
- Vince Guaraldi Trio- Um, absolutely anything. "Linus and Lucy" is my ring tone, but "Skating" sounds the most like Christmas to me.
- Louis Armstrong- "Christmas in New Orleans". I adore Louis Armstrong and this is one song that you don't hear in every department store during the holidays.
- Eartha Kitt- "Santa Baby". Classic, and covered way too many times, but it's not Christmas without it.
- "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". I like the Kermit the Frog version, personally, but really just about any version of this song is a good one.
- Brenda Lee- "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree". I always listen to this when I'm decorating our tree. It feels very Mad Men- Christmas on too much eggnog.
- Ramones- "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)". So fun.
- Charles Brown- "Please Come Home for Christmas". (Lots of sources say that this song is "Bells Will Be Ringing".) Blues-y and a little sad. I didn't really get the meaning of this one until I was living in DC and far away from most of my nearest and dearest during the holidays. I feel extra lucky to be celebrating our second Christmas in our little home (and our third together) with a real live extra-good-smelling tree and a small dose of sweater worthy weather.
- Gayla Peevy. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." This is so me at 8 or 9.
Can you tell I dig the quirky? What are your favorite holiday tunes?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
we will be victorious
(Muse)
I haven't forgotten about you, dear little blog. I have lots of stories to tell and things floating around that I'd like to talk about but... I've been in survival mode. Thanksgiving + Finals Week + traveling to Gainesville for PubMed training in a week. I promise promise I will return at some point this week-end, probably a little cranky but otherwise no worse for the wear.
Topics up for discussion? a months worth of baking, my favorite Christmas songs, a new determination towards being healthy, the merging of our families, a look back on all the movies I've seen this year, why I like my job at this time of the year, wedding music and other wedding news (I ordered my veil) and really. I just want to talk about how I feel like I've come so far this year.
But right now, I have about 50 things I have to get done.
I haven't forgotten about you, dear little blog. I have lots of stories to tell and things floating around that I'd like to talk about but... I've been in survival mode. Thanksgiving + Finals Week + traveling to Gainesville for PubMed training in a week. I promise promise I will return at some point this week-end, probably a little cranky but otherwise no worse for the wear.
Topics up for discussion? a months worth of baking, my favorite Christmas songs, a new determination towards being healthy, the merging of our families, a look back on all the movies I've seen this year, why I like my job at this time of the year, wedding music and other wedding news (I ordered my veil) and really. I just want to talk about how I feel like I've come so far this year.
But right now, I have about 50 things I have to get done.
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