i'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears and you can go swimming when you are here

(Otis Redding)

I'm putting together the mix CD for our wedding favors. We're getting married in just over a month. I can't believe that we're finally here and it's so close... time has started rushing by. It's been months since I felt balanced and clear-headed. Especially enough to write anything. Most of the time, the sad or the overwhelming or the startling happy means that I can't write enough. This summer I haven't had very many moments, good or bad, that I really wanted to talk about. And it's weird, because there's no lack of the memorable here. I think I've just felt adrift. Like, caught up in a wave that there isn't really any point of analyzing.

So, here I am again. Starting over? Or just a quick interlude? Do we ever really know? I don't know, I've just been sitting here for hours, pouring over the final details of our wedding music. My brain is fried and I feel equal  parts weary and restless. Sometimes, I think I miss you but I can't tell if it's just that I felt this way so much when I was with you and I so rarely do now that I'm with him. I wish sometimes that we had gotten to that point in our relationship where shit just gets so boring you can't stand to be around the other person. Of course, there were times I couldn't stand to be around you or that things were tedious, but Jesus. Boring. No. Whereas, see, with Jeff I always know that, yes, I miss him. It's simple and because it's simple, it's somehow innocent and ok. And because my life with you in it could be so utterly miserable, I feel like I am never allowed to admit that sometimes I miss you. That there was a time when you understood me better than anyone ever had.

Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe people will read too much into it (though, who's reading this anymore by now anyway?) or maybe it will come off wrong or whatever, but I don't particularly care. I'm allowed to feel however I think I feel. Loving him is so different, our relationship is so different from everything else. I'm going to be his wife. It's not something that should or could ever really be compared to anything else.

It's the same way with music. They say that smell is the strongest sense for memory, but I sure as hell don't think so. Sometimes I can't tell if I miss something or want something or it's just that I still love this piece of music just as much as I did then. And the memory is so strong, I could actually confuse it for the genuine original emotion.

So, I'm here. Another late night in front of the computer mixing and remixing and over thinking and over feeling. And I think about all the other times I've done this for some silly little collection of music that most people will listen to once before it gets stuffed under their car seat. And I wonder how many more times I'll really do this or if any other time will ever be this important to me. Even if it isn't important to anyone else.

It's not like the music could ever be some cosmic representation of our relationship or my feelings. I'm not that starry eyed or that naive. But, it can sure as hell strike close. Certain songs are, of course, linked to particular memories. Driving in the car or picking the music for our ceremony or being in New Orleans. Some are just lovely on their own or remind me of him or of us for some reason. A band he introduced me to or a song he put on the one and only mix he's ever made me.

It's hard for me sometimes, to say that I'm so happy and so lucky and so loved. And that I love so much. But also that I am sad or overwhelmed or lonely. Not alone, just lonely. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning and hiding it in this fog, but I'm not sure that I want to take some magic pill and make it all better either. I'm not sure who I am without this depth of feeling, even if it does always make me wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next. Especially when there are days where doing anything, making any decision, feels insurmountable.

The only thing I am sure of is that marrying him is the one decision that I've not questioned. It sounds trite, but as long as we're together, I know that it'll be OK. It's just figuring out all the rest. And all the rest is... a lot.

Fitting a mix together is like a puzzle. Making Otis Redding mesh with Smashing Pumpkins and Queen and the Born Ruffians... it can all go together, but maybe not right next to each other. Some things you really want to put on there might not fit. And you can't put absolutely everything on there, because there's a finite amount of space.

Life is like that too.

God, what a terrible cliche thing to say. But it doesn't make it any less true. Every decision I make isn't just choosing something- it also means NOT choosing something. I just want to be able to stop thinking about how everything I put in my mouth is making my jeans ever so slightly tighter, or how my arms will look in my wedding dress, or whether people will dance to this song at the wedding, or what music should be playing when we cut our cake, or how the pets will fare without us on our honeymoon, or why no one is interviewing me for jobs I am totally qualified for. Or what we should have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Or what day of the week is easiest to get groceries. Or why I loathe working out so much.

All I want lately is to drink and dance and fuck. I just want my brain off. And there probably isn't a worse time to decide that I don't want to be responsible than right now. At least this CD is mixed, so I can check one thing off my to do list.