who knows which one of us will stay and either way, these things we don't comprehend

(Tantric)

I've been thinking, ever since Jeff moved to Ft. Worth last month, that it's really rare that you ever know that the last time you see someone, is actually the last time you'll see them. We say goodbye and hello and move in and out of each other's lives, so many lives, so often. Every day, even. Besides confronting my own mortality every single time I have to get on an airplane, I pretty much always assume that "good-bye" only ever means, "until next time". Even when you don't know when you'll see that someone again, even when they're moving across the country, you always tell yourself that they're coming back.

Larger than space or time though, I think our lives themselves move us together and apart. I don't think that you have to be in the same location to be friends, or even the same place in your life. But, I do think that there are certain things in your life that happen and they change you, they change your circumstances and your outlook and maybe even the amount of patience or emotional energy you have. I try so hard to hold on to everyone I love with both hands. Letting go is something that just doesn't come naturally to me.

Anyway. So much has changed in just a few short years. I fight constantly against this holding on too tightly, but sometimes I wonder if we should? No matter how mad I am, I always call back and say "I love you", because morbid as it is, what if it's the last time I get to say it? If you knew that it would be two years before I saw you again, would you hug me tighter? Would you linger over your coffee longer? Would you have gotten out of the car at the airport that day to kiss me properly?

We'll never know, I guess.

The flip side, of course, is that you also never know what new thing today will bring. This day, this moment right here, is another chance to turn it around, to smile, to laugh, to love. To breathe deep and live. I wonder if I will be 90 and still feel this unyielding hunger for more everything. It's not that I'm never satisfied, on the contrary, I think that I can be exceptionally good at appreciating the little individual moment that I'm living in. It's just that there's so much out there- skin and dirt and rain and life.

And I want it all.

How often do we do that with our wants or our hopes or our dreams? How often do we think that we'll come back and pick something up later when we have more time or more energy? What if that day never comes? What if this moment is IT, the cosmic moment you've been waiting for? Why leave anything undone, anything unsaid? Why not throw it all out to the universe today and let the pieces fall where they may?

The best things in my life have happened when I stopped wondering and just jumped. I've had my heart broken and my knees scraped, but oh, I have lived. And if I wasn't here tomorrow, no one would wonder how I felt or what I thought because I said it. Everyday. I know that moderation is a way of life for other people, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I'll never wonder if there was something more I should have done because at the end of the day, I lived it. I've found that making decisions based on the fear that something won't work out is the quickest way to ensure that your fears are realized.

I quit my part-time job two months ago because the work environment was making me miserable. I've applied and applied and haven't even been getting interviews for jobs in my field that I am totally qualified for. So, I'm volunteering and applying and waiting. And, honestly, the reduced funds suck, but it's pretty ok. I'm young and I'm smart and eventually I'll make a decision that will change things. Who knows where that will lead? Maybe to a library, maybe to a donut shop.

The point is, the only moment that really belongs to you is the one you're living in, right now. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Why waste it by holding back?