(Tantric)
I've been thinking, ever since Jeff moved to Ft. Worth last month, that it's really rare that you ever know that the last time you see someone, is actually the last time you'll see them. We say goodbye and hello and move in and out of each other's lives, so many lives, so often. Every day, even. Besides confronting my own mortality every single time I have to get on an airplane, I pretty much always assume that "good-bye" only ever means, "until next time". Even when you don't know when you'll see that someone again, even when they're moving across the country, you always tell yourself that they're coming back.
Larger than space or time though, I think our lives themselves move us together and apart. I don't think that you have to be in the same location to be friends, or even the same place in your life. But, I do think that there are certain things in your life that happen and they change you, they change your circumstances and your outlook and maybe even the amount of patience or emotional energy you have. I try so hard to hold on to everyone I love with both hands. Letting go is something that just doesn't come naturally to me.
Anyway. So much has changed in just a few short years. I fight constantly against this holding on too tightly, but sometimes I wonder if we should? No matter how mad I am, I always call back and say "I love you", because morbid as it is, what if it's the last time I get to say it? If you knew that it would be two years before I saw you again, would you hug me tighter? Would you linger over your coffee longer? Would you have gotten out of the car at the airport that day to kiss me properly?
We'll never know, I guess.
The flip side, of course, is that you also never know what new thing today will bring. This day, this moment right here, is another chance to turn it around, to smile, to laugh, to love. To breathe deep and live. I wonder if I will be 90 and still feel this unyielding hunger for more everything. It's not that I'm never satisfied, on the contrary, I think that I can be exceptionally good at appreciating the little individual moment that I'm living in. It's just that there's so much out there- skin and dirt and rain and life.
And I want it all.
How often do we do that with our wants or our hopes or our dreams? How often do we think that we'll come back and pick something up later when we have more time or more energy? What if that day never comes? What if this moment is IT, the cosmic moment you've been waiting for? Why leave anything undone, anything unsaid? Why not throw it all out to the universe today and let the pieces fall where they may?
The best things in my life have happened when I stopped wondering and just jumped. I've had my heart broken and my knees scraped, but oh, I have lived. And if I wasn't here tomorrow, no one would wonder how I felt or what I thought because I said it. Everyday. I know that moderation is a way of life for other people, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I'll never wonder if there was something more I should have done because at the end of the day, I lived it. I've found that making decisions based on the fear that something won't work out is the quickest way to ensure that your fears are realized.
I quit my part-time job two months ago because the work environment was making me miserable. I've applied and applied and haven't even been getting interviews for jobs in my field that I am totally qualified for. So, I'm volunteering and applying and waiting. And, honestly, the reduced funds suck, but it's pretty ok. I'm young and I'm smart and eventually I'll make a decision that will change things. Who knows where that will lead? Maybe to a library, maybe to a donut shop.
The point is, the only moment that really belongs to you is the one you're living in, right now. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Why waste it by holding back?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
i'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears and you can go swimming when you are here
(Otis Redding)
I'm putting together the mix CD for our wedding favors. We're getting married in just over a month. I can't believe that we're finally here and it's so close... time has started rushing by. It's been months since I felt balanced and clear-headed. Especially enough to write anything. Most of the time, the sad or the overwhelming or the startling happy means that I can't write enough. This summer I haven't had very many moments, good or bad, that I really wanted to talk about. And it's weird, because there's no lack of the memorable here. I think I've just felt adrift. Like, caught up in a wave that there isn't really any point of analyzing.
So, here I am again. Starting over? Or just a quick interlude? Do we ever really know? I don't know, I've just been sitting here for hours, pouring over the final details of our wedding music. My brain is fried and I feel equal parts weary and restless. Sometimes, I think I miss you but I can't tell if it's just that I felt this way so much when I was with you and I so rarely do now that I'm with him. I wish sometimes that we had gotten to that point in our relationship where shit just gets so boring you can't stand to be around the other person. Of course, there were times I couldn't stand to be around you or that things were tedious, but Jesus. Boring. No. Whereas, see, with Jeff I always know that, yes, I miss him. It's simple and because it's simple, it's somehow innocent and ok. And because my life with you in it could be so utterly miserable, I feel like I am never allowed to admit that sometimes I miss you. That there was a time when you understood me better than anyone ever had.
Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe people will read too much into it (though, who's reading this anymore by now anyway?) or maybe it will come off wrong or whatever, but I don't particularly care. I'm allowed to feel however I think I feel. Loving him is so different, our relationship is so different from everything else. I'm going to be his wife. It's not something that should or could ever really be compared to anything else.
It's the same way with music. They say that smell is the strongest sense for memory, but I sure as hell don't think so. Sometimes I can't tell if I miss something or want something or it's just that I still love this piece of music just as much as I did then. And the memory is so strong, I could actually confuse it for the genuine original emotion.
So, I'm here. Another late night in front of the computer mixing and remixing and over thinking and over feeling. And I think about all the other times I've done this for some silly little collection of music that most people will listen to once before it gets stuffed under their car seat. And I wonder how many more times I'll really do this or if any other time will ever be this important to me. Even if it isn't important to anyone else.
It's not like the music could ever be some cosmic representation of our relationship or my feelings. I'm not that starry eyed or that naive. But, it can sure as hell strike close. Certain songs are, of course, linked to particular memories. Driving in the car or picking the music for our ceremony or being in New Orleans. Some are just lovely on their own or remind me of him or of us for some reason. A band he introduced me to or a song he put on the one and only mix he's ever made me.
It's hard for me sometimes, to say that I'm so happy and so lucky and so loved. And that I love so much. But also that I am sad or overwhelmed or lonely. Not alone, just lonely. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning and hiding it in this fog, but I'm not sure that I want to take some magic pill and make it all better either. I'm not sure who I am without this depth of feeling, even if it does always make me wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next. Especially when there are days where doing anything, making any decision, feels insurmountable.
The only thing I am sure of is that marrying him is the one decision that I've not questioned. It sounds trite, but as long as we're together, I know that it'll be OK. It's just figuring out all the rest. And all the rest is... a lot.
Fitting a mix together is like a puzzle. Making Otis Redding mesh with Smashing Pumpkins and Queen and the Born Ruffians... it can all go together, but maybe not right next to each other. Some things you really want to put on there might not fit. And you can't put absolutely everything on there, because there's a finite amount of space.
Life is like that too.
God, what a terrible cliche thing to say. But it doesn't make it any less true. Every decision I make isn't just choosing something- it also means NOT choosing something. I just want to be able to stop thinking about how everything I put in my mouth is making my jeans ever so slightly tighter, or how my arms will look in my wedding dress, or whether people will dance to this song at the wedding, or what music should be playing when we cut our cake, or how the pets will fare without us on our honeymoon, or why no one is interviewing me for jobs I am totally qualified for. Or what we should have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Or what day of the week is easiest to get groceries. Or why I loathe working out so much.
All I want lately is to drink and dance and fuck. I just want my brain off. And there probably isn't a worse time to decide that I don't want to be responsible than right now. At least this CD is mixed, so I can check one thing off my to do list.
I'm putting together the mix CD for our wedding favors. We're getting married in just over a month. I can't believe that we're finally here and it's so close... time has started rushing by. It's been months since I felt balanced and clear-headed. Especially enough to write anything. Most of the time, the sad or the overwhelming or the startling happy means that I can't write enough. This summer I haven't had very many moments, good or bad, that I really wanted to talk about. And it's weird, because there's no lack of the memorable here. I think I've just felt adrift. Like, caught up in a wave that there isn't really any point of analyzing.
So, here I am again. Starting over? Or just a quick interlude? Do we ever really know? I don't know, I've just been sitting here for hours, pouring over the final details of our wedding music. My brain is fried and I feel equal parts weary and restless. Sometimes, I think I miss you but I can't tell if it's just that I felt this way so much when I was with you and I so rarely do now that I'm with him. I wish sometimes that we had gotten to that point in our relationship where shit just gets so boring you can't stand to be around the other person. Of course, there were times I couldn't stand to be around you or that things were tedious, but Jesus. Boring. No. Whereas, see, with Jeff I always know that, yes, I miss him. It's simple and because it's simple, it's somehow innocent and ok. And because my life with you in it could be so utterly miserable, I feel like I am never allowed to admit that sometimes I miss you. That there was a time when you understood me better than anyone ever had.
Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe people will read too much into it (though, who's reading this anymore by now anyway?) or maybe it will come off wrong or whatever, but I don't particularly care. I'm allowed to feel however I think I feel. Loving him is so different, our relationship is so different from everything else. I'm going to be his wife. It's not something that should or could ever really be compared to anything else.
It's the same way with music. They say that smell is the strongest sense for memory, but I sure as hell don't think so. Sometimes I can't tell if I miss something or want something or it's just that I still love this piece of music just as much as I did then. And the memory is so strong, I could actually confuse it for the genuine original emotion.
So, I'm here. Another late night in front of the computer mixing and remixing and over thinking and over feeling. And I think about all the other times I've done this for some silly little collection of music that most people will listen to once before it gets stuffed under their car seat. And I wonder how many more times I'll really do this or if any other time will ever be this important to me. Even if it isn't important to anyone else.
It's not like the music could ever be some cosmic representation of our relationship or my feelings. I'm not that starry eyed or that naive. But, it can sure as hell strike close. Certain songs are, of course, linked to particular memories. Driving in the car or picking the music for our ceremony or being in New Orleans. Some are just lovely on their own or remind me of him or of us for some reason. A band he introduced me to or a song he put on the one and only mix he's ever made me.
It's hard for me sometimes, to say that I'm so happy and so lucky and so loved. And that I love so much. But also that I am sad or overwhelmed or lonely. Not alone, just lonely. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning and hiding it in this fog, but I'm not sure that I want to take some magic pill and make it all better either. I'm not sure who I am without this depth of feeling, even if it does always make me wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next. Especially when there are days where doing anything, making any decision, feels insurmountable.
The only thing I am sure of is that marrying him is the one decision that I've not questioned. It sounds trite, but as long as we're together, I know that it'll be OK. It's just figuring out all the rest. And all the rest is... a lot.
Fitting a mix together is like a puzzle. Making Otis Redding mesh with Smashing Pumpkins and Queen and the Born Ruffians... it can all go together, but maybe not right next to each other. Some things you really want to put on there might not fit. And you can't put absolutely everything on there, because there's a finite amount of space.
Life is like that too.
God, what a terrible cliche thing to say. But it doesn't make it any less true. Every decision I make isn't just choosing something- it also means NOT choosing something. I just want to be able to stop thinking about how everything I put in my mouth is making my jeans ever so slightly tighter, or how my arms will look in my wedding dress, or whether people will dance to this song at the wedding, or what music should be playing when we cut our cake, or how the pets will fare without us on our honeymoon, or why no one is interviewing me for jobs I am totally qualified for. Or what we should have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Or what day of the week is easiest to get groceries. Or why I loathe working out so much.
All I want lately is to drink and dance and fuck. I just want my brain off. And there probably isn't a worse time to decide that I don't want to be responsible than right now. At least this CD is mixed, so I can check one thing off my to do list.
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