The Lovely Penny Layne

Part of me want to live in a fantasy, quietly

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:03:00 +0000

(Silversun Pickups)

It was never about balance. We are, all of us, constantly shifting and struggling and changing with the tides. You either learn to balance the balls and ride the waves or you decide to live a simpler life.

It's about duality, really.

I both do and don't want to write again. I have so much to say but, I have nothing to say. I am happy, satisfied, content and yet, unbelievably tortured this week for no apparent reason. I love to embrace myself as this walking contradiction, but the ultimate truth is that I am so dark on the inside and I am in a never-ending struggle to drag myself out and into the light.

I stopped writing because I cared way too much about making myself clear and being fair that I self-censored until there was nothing left to say, nothing that really grasped the truth of whatever I was feeling, except conflicted. I make a plan or a theme for this... space... and then I have a hard time coloring within the lines. I start over, and over, and then over again. I'm never really clear on who I'm writing for. Is it me? Is it the three people I know that read this? Or is it to some anonymous someone out there that might connect with what I have to say?

I don't think that what I do end up saying is particularly profound. It's just mine.

I'm here now because I still compose posts in my head. I still wake up in the morning from a dream and lay in bed spinning it into a story. A story that I can control and edit and not a dream that I cannot.

I stopped writing because it became another obligation in a sea of obligation and I was tired of being disappointed in myself when I didn't do it, or it didn't turn out the way I intended, or it sounded like it was coming out of someone else's mouth.

I'm writing this now because I simply can't not. The urge that I've been ignoring or postponing or pushing down for the past six months or year or years has finally gotten the best of me. I write because I hope that I'll get this out of my head or out of system or because I want to memorize something, like the remembering of things is so important (though I'm not really one to forget much of anything) or because my 140 characters on Twitter just aren't cutting it but, like most of my cravings, giving in doesn't necessarily make me feel better.

I stopped because I didn't want to be judged and because everything I wrote began to sound defensive and yet, I constantly worried about offending someone.

Suddenly, I just don't care as much. About a lot of things, actually. I have more faith now that things just end up ok, but also that I can't really control it.

And I'm tired of trying to. It's just wearying being that tightly strung all the time.

I feel both sharper and softer. Not as fragile as I used to be and yet, somehow, more so.

This song is the same way. I was driving home after work one night the first time I actually listened to the lyrics and I felt immediately ill. Overwhelmingly so. And yet I had to listen to it over and over again until that visceral reaction went away. Conditioning. Enough so that I could be objective. I still like it, is the thing, but I'm careful about when I listen to it. How I'm feeling. I've been doing this more and more- being careful about what I expose myself to. Mostly, I'm just afraid of letting myself feel too much and not knowing how to deal with it. Because I feel like I could easily be pushed in either direction and lately I can never tell which way the wind is blowing.

I got you in my pocket for when I get home

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 18:51:00 +0000

(Born Ruffians)

ONE MONTH TO GO UNTIL OUR WEDDING. Holy shit. I so can't believe that we've hit this point. The past six months have really just flown by. Left on my to do list? Put together the programs and favors. Have my make-up and hair trials. Go to my final dress fitting. Wait for the flowers to arrive and then put those together. Finalize the ceremony details. Have my walk-through with our day of coordinator. Get our marriage license. (Holy crap.) You know... details mostly.

I honestly can't believe the amount of details and hand-picked stuff I've been able to pull together for the wedding. I know a lot of people won't even notice most of it, but I'm excited to show the pictures to people and be able to say- oh, I went shopping with my Mom at antique stores for all those cake plates, or my Dad put the twine on all 150 mason jars for us. Luckily, we have photographers that are really amazing and I know will be able to capture every detail.

After the wedding, I'll have to do a post about where I got everything. Etsy has been my biggest resource- from a custom made stamp for our wedding favors to a special hanger for my dress (it says sara <3 juan). I have custom cake toppers, a ring bearer box, tutus for the flower girls, bird cages for cards, party poms, a photobooth backdrop, etc etc etc. And it's all hanging out in my closet, garage and brain. Our honeymoon is booked, our rehearsal dinner invites have been sent out, and our rsvps are due back tomorrow. The past 16 months of planning and debating and building are finally coming together at the end of the month. Actually, after the wedding I really need to make time to sit and write about it all because I largely haven't. It's been such a big part of my time and my life. It's been sometimes frustrating, sometimes thrilling, sometimes really fun, and other times a total freaking hassle, but more than anything when I look back on the past year and a (almost) half, I just feel profoundly lucky.

I should have written about the most amazing bridal shower and bachelorette party that were thrown for me two months ago because more than anything else they really demonstrate how overwhelmingly loved I've felt throughout this whole process. Every detail was perfect and it was so evident how much time and care Alicia and the bridesmaids had put into every detail, but more than that, I was surrounded by so many people that loved me. They were all happy and talking and it was perfection. In the middle of the tea, I looked around and had a vision of what my wedding might be like. And then, later, in the middle of a zebra striped hummer limo, toasting champagne, I felt it again. Like, exactly where I should be. Start to finish, the whole day, both events were totally perfect. I teared up during everyone's speeches at the bridal shower, was overwhelmed by Juan's family and their generosity, drank too much champagne, had heart to hearts with everyone there, sat on the floor whilst dancing at iBar, force-fed Rachel ice, and made Melissa buy me a shot of Patron and then promptly dumped it on the floor.

On the one hand, I can't wait to be married. I can't wait to get this show on the road and walk down that aisle to Juan and really truly start our lives together. I can't wait to dance and see everyone and go on this honeymoon which is really turning into an epic food tour of San Francisco. I can't wait to talk about other things! (I've gotten so boring.) And at the same time, while it's often been frustrating and never-ending and stressful, I have really loved being engaged. It's been one of the few times in my life where everything has fallen into place exactly the way I've always hoped it would. I'm really hopeful that our wedding, in approximately 30 short days, will go exactly the same way.

First though? My best friend's bridal shower and bachelorette party are this Saturday and I can't wait to help her celebrate!

who knows which one of us will stay and either way, these things we don't comprehend

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 19:26:00 +0000

(Tantric)

I've been thinking, ever since Jeff moved to Ft. Worth last month, that it's really rare that you ever know that the last time you see someone, is actually the last time you'll see them. We say goodbye and hello and move in and out of each other's lives, so many lives, so often. Every day, even. Besides confronting my own mortality every single time I have to get on an airplane, I pretty much always assume that "good-bye" only ever means, "until next time". Even when you don't know when you'll see that someone again, even when they're moving across the country, you always tell yourself that they're coming back.

Larger than space or time though, I think our lives themselves move us together and apart. I don't think that you have to be in the same location to be friends, or even the same place in your life. But, I do think that there are certain things in your life that happen and they change you, they change your circumstances and your outlook and maybe even the amount of patience or emotional energy you have. I try so hard to hold on to everyone I love with both hands. Letting go is something that just doesn't come naturally to me.

Anyway. So much has changed in just a few short years. I fight constantly against this holding on too tightly, but sometimes I wonder if we should? No matter how mad I am, I always call back and say "I love you", because morbid as it is, what if it's the last time I get to say it? If you knew that it would be two years before I saw you again, would you hug me tighter? Would you linger over your coffee longer? Would you have gotten out of the car at the airport that day to kiss me properly?

We'll never know, I guess.

The flip side, of course, is that you also never know what new thing today will bring. This day, this moment right here, is another chance to turn it around, to smile, to laugh, to love. To breathe deep and live. I wonder if I will be 90 and still feel this unyielding hunger for more everything. It's not that I'm never satisfied, on the contrary, I think that I can be exceptionally good at appreciating the little individual moment that I'm living in. It's just that there's so much out there- skin and dirt and rain and life.

And I want it all.

How often do we do that with our wants or our hopes or our dreams? How often do we think that we'll come back and pick something up later when we have more time or more energy? What if that day never comes? What if this moment is IT, the cosmic moment you've been waiting for? Why leave anything undone, anything unsaid? Why not throw it all out to the universe today and let the pieces fall where they may?

The best things in my life have happened when I stopped wondering and just jumped. I've had my heart broken and my knees scraped, but oh, I have lived. And if I wasn't here tomorrow, no one would wonder how I felt or what I thought because I said it. Everyday. I know that moderation is a way of life for other people, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I'll never wonder if there was something more I should have done because at the end of the day, I lived it. I've found that making decisions based on the fear that something won't work out is the quickest way to ensure that your fears are realized.

I quit my part-time job two months ago because the work environment was making me miserable. I've applied and applied and haven't even been getting interviews for jobs in my field that I am totally qualified for. So, I'm volunteering and applying and waiting. And, honestly, the reduced funds suck, but it's pretty ok. I'm young and I'm smart and eventually I'll make a decision that will change things. Who knows where that will lead? Maybe to a library, maybe to a donut shop.

The point is, the only moment that really belongs to you is the one you're living in, right now. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Why waste it by holding back?

i'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears and you can go swimming when you are here

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 04:26:00 +0000

(Otis Redding)

I'm putting together the mix CD for our wedding favors. We're getting married in just over a month. I can't believe that we're finally here and it's so close... time has started rushing by. It's been months since I felt balanced and clear-headed. Especially enough to write anything. Most of the time, the sad or the overwhelming or the startling happy means that I can't write enough. This summer I haven't had very many moments, good or bad, that I really wanted to talk about. And it's weird, because there's no lack of the memorable here. I think I've just felt adrift. Like, caught up in a wave that there isn't really any point of analyzing.

So, here I am again. Starting over? Or just a quick interlude? Do we ever really know? I don't know, I've just been sitting here for hours, pouring over the final details of our wedding music. My brain is fried and I feel equal parts weary and restless. Sometimes, I think I miss you but I can't tell if it's just that I felt this way so much when I was with you and I so rarely do now that I'm with him. I wish sometimes that we had gotten to that point in our relationship where shit just gets so boring you can't stand to be around the other person. Of course, there were times I couldn't stand to be around you or that things were tedious, but Jesus. Boring. No. Whereas, see, with Jeff I always know that, yes, I miss him. It's simple and because it's simple, it's somehow innocent and ok. And because my life with you in it could be so utterly miserable, I feel like I am never allowed to admit that sometimes I miss you. That there was a time when you understood me better than anyone ever had.

Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe people will read too much into it (though, who's reading this anymore by now anyway?) or maybe it will come off wrong or whatever, but I don't particularly care. I'm allowed to feel however I think I feel. Loving him is so different, our relationship is so different from everything else. I'm going to be his wife. It's not something that should or could ever really be compared to anything else.

It's the same way with music. They say that smell is the strongest sense for memory, but I sure as hell don't think so. Sometimes I can't tell if I miss something or want something or it's just that I still love this piece of music just as much as I did then. And the memory is so strong, I could actually confuse it for the genuine original emotion.

So, I'm here. Another late night in front of the computer mixing and remixing and over thinking and over feeling. And I think about all the other times I've done this for some silly little collection of music that most people will listen to once before it gets stuffed under their car seat. And I wonder how many more times I'll really do this or if any other time will ever be this important to me. Even if it isn't important to anyone else.

It's not like the music could ever be some cosmic representation of our relationship or my feelings. I'm not that starry eyed or that naive. But, it can sure as hell strike close. Certain songs are, of course, linked to particular memories. Driving in the car or picking the music for our ceremony or being in New Orleans. Some are just lovely on their own or remind me of him or of us for some reason. A band he introduced me to or a song he put on the one and only mix he's ever made me.

It's hard for me sometimes, to say that I'm so happy and so lucky and so loved. And that I love so much. But also that I am sad or overwhelmed or lonely. Not alone, just lonely. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning and hiding it in this fog, but I'm not sure that I want to take some magic pill and make it all better either. I'm not sure who I am without this depth of feeling, even if it does always make me wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next. Especially when there are days where doing anything, making any decision, feels insurmountable.

The only thing I am sure of is that marrying him is the one decision that I've not questioned. It sounds trite, but as long as we're together, I know that it'll be OK. It's just figuring out all the rest. And all the rest is... a lot.

Fitting a mix together is like a puzzle. Making Otis Redding mesh with Smashing Pumpkins and Queen and the Born Ruffians... it can all go together, but maybe not right next to each other. Some things you really want to put on there might not fit. And you can't put absolutely everything on there, because there's a finite amount of space.

Life is like that too.

God, what a terrible cliche thing to say. But it doesn't make it any less true. Every decision I make isn't just choosing something- it also means NOT choosing something. I just want to be able to stop thinking about how everything I put in my mouth is making my jeans ever so slightly tighter, or how my arms will look in my wedding dress, or whether people will dance to this song at the wedding, or what music should be playing when we cut our cake, or how the pets will fare without us on our honeymoon, or why no one is interviewing me for jobs I am totally qualified for. Or what we should have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Or what day of the week is easiest to get groceries. Or why I loathe working out so much.

All I want lately is to drink and dance and fuck. I just want my brain off. And there probably isn't a worse time to decide that I don't want to be responsible than right now. At least this CD is mixed, so I can check one thing off my to do list.

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 19:39:00 +0000

I want so much that I can't put into words right now.

I'm so burnt out.

I have two weeks left of school.

I recently got some news from my current employer that makes me even more motivated to find something new.

I am anxious and overwhelmed and completely frazzled.

But, I am right on the edge of something. The end of this phase. I have been survive, survive, survive, endure, focus, push through, just a little bit longer for so long. And now?

I am so close to deep breath, next step, learn to thrive.

but there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow and I can be on the last train home

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 18:31:00 +0000

(Lostprophets)

Mildly related/Staccato/I don't have time for a real post, but lots to say:
- I turned twenty-seven last week. There was a Tiffany box and much food and "Wicked". It was delightful. I was going to do a post all in pictures... but then life got in the way.
- Facebook is evil, part 1. I am totally fine that one of my ex-boyfriends got married over the week-end. However, it ever so mildly freaks me out that they got hitched at OUR venue and they're honeymooning in OUR destination, as well. It's just... weird.
- JLM is moving to Fort Worth in two months. I was talking to him on the phone last week and I kept thinking that his voice hasn't changed at all, but we have. So much. It's kind of miraculous that we've managed to make our friendship last.
- Facebook is evil, part 2. Reading about an incident involving my sorority chapter and a fraternity that I used to spend a lot of time with is making me ill, angry, and disheartened.
- Approximately 17 days till our annual girl's trip and only about 23 days of school left! I am equal parts ecstatic and nervous and omg, there's so so so much to do before then. A major paper and two major group projects and lots of little things in between then and now.
- I cannot wait to for our Annual Girl's Trip, too many cocktails, Gone with the Wind, hopefully trying on my wedding dress, gossip, girl talk, and carbs with Winnie and Z.
- I cannot wait to come home and not have to go to school, deal with group members, listen to lectures, and to finally be able to apply to jobs that I'm qualified for and not only those I'm way overqualified for.
- I am still searching for a job. Every. day.
- No, I have not worked out in months. Yes, I am more than partially responsible for why we are not running that 5k during our Annual Girl's Trip this year.
- I am making my peace with my body.
- Which is not to say that I don't have goals.
- Summer goals: use my gym membership, learn how to coupon effectively, take another photography class, figure out how to upgrade (and regularly update) my blog, and find a big girl job.
- I miss my friends. I'm really ready to see everyone a lot in the next few months.
- For every day I have that I am totally overwhelmed, I have one where I rise above it... I will never not freak out and get wound up about things that are totally not in my control. But, I'm also trying to see the situations where it's really not about me, or my fault, or my problem, and the places where worrying about it isn't going to help.
- Our engagement photos are next week. Coffee themed. I adore our photographers and I'm really excited.
- My wedding dress is ever so slightly MIA. I am not quite worried yet. Thank god I ordered it so far in advance.
- I am over wedding planning right now. I mean, I still care. I just don't want to have to actually make decisions and execute things right now. And I'll get over it... in about three weeks when school is over and I feel like I can have my life back.
- Honeymoon plans... San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Lake Tahoe... I am so. so. excited.
- I adore you. Every time I think that I can't possibly handle another day of job hunting, school, dog hair, and being angry at the internet... I think of you and us and how impossibly lucky I am to have found you and as trite and hallmark as it sounds, it makes it all so much better.
- I cannot wait to marry you.

it's a reason, why I'm here

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 17:03:00 +0000

(Oleander)

My little space is going through a transition phase, much like my personal life right now. After several rough months, the light at the end of the tunnel is finally growing closer. J and I are insanely happy and insanely busy, but once life settles down a little bit (ha) I'm planning on shaking things up here. Quite a lot.

burn all the evidence, a fabricated disbelief

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 14:15:00 +0000

(Cage the Elephant)

Confessions. A day late, I know.

- When I want to make a point in an e-mail, I use the same word twice in a row: "also also" or "and and" are frequent. It's so obnoxious, but I can't help it.

- I'm causing quite the brouhaha at work. My (older female) coworker has been invading my personal space, smacking my arm for emphasis, and the other day she put her hand on my thigh during a meeting with my supervisor. I'm the most affectionate person on the planet (Really! I'm Southern. We hug. A lot.) and I've never been in a situation (outside of boys or bars) where someone has touched me in a way that I've found offensive. My boss told his boss who talked to the woman who has since apologized but also lectured me about the way I handled it. Honestly, the situation, like other situations at this particular job, has spiraled out of my control. I've never worked somewhere that isn't ridiculously professional and where I haven't totally excelled. Maybe it's wrong, but I don't really think the problem is me. I don't think it's ever appropriate to touch someone without their permission, especially a coworker. You never know how they've been raised or what they're dealing with or even just whether or not it would be welcome. Why would you assume it was ok? I think I just need to move to another position elsewhere as soon as possible. Which is causing me no small amount of stress.

- I dream almost every night and I often dream about people I know- but not as they are now, as they were in the past. Like, if I have a dream about JLM it's not him now, it's us at 18 or 20. And it's not just ex-boyfriends, either.

- My training for this 5k in April with Winnie and Z is not. going. well. I've never wanted to prove something to myself so badly and yet, I can't seem to find the time or the energy to make it happen.

- On a positive note? I've never been so freaking ecstatic to see March! Good things are on the way, I believe it.

singing songs ain't got no regrets

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 14:18:00 +0000

(The Black Crowes)

Why isn't there a mid-rock station? Have you ever noticed that? There's "classic" rock which usually spans from 1970-1989 and then "new" rock which takes over from 1990-present. (And oldies, but I'm not going there.) At what point does "new" rock become "classic"? Because 1990 was, oh, 21 years ago. Grunge is officially legal to drink- doesn't that make you feel old? Anyway, I posed this question hypothetically in the car with J the other day. Quickly followed up by how amazing it would be if there was a station that played rock from the late 80's to the early 2000's. (Incidentally, yes, I am aware that XM has this. But I am a poor grad student and have to make do with last.fm.)

J promptly told me that no one would listen to it. Apparently, I'm the only one that thinks that most rock has gone to shit since Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. I mean, I love classic rock, too, don't get me wrong, but I don't always want to listen to it. It's not mine in the way that the music I grew up to was. I try to remember that, whenever things are hard, or scary, or not going my way... that something is mine in a way that no one can ever take away from me. I think I'm lucky to feel that way about music.

Anyway. I forgot where I was going with this. I think my point was that I've started listening to the Black Crowes again and it makes me happy. I can't remember where else I was going with this... Just been listening to a lot of music lately. I've been having trouble compiling the various playlists associated with the wedding because I can't narrow down what I love and also figure out what everyone else will want to listen to. I've also been buying a bunch of new (to me) music. Remembering people and places and what summer feels like. Letting myself dream.

It feels right.

on the tip of my tongue an offensive is poised and rearing

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 14:35:00 +0000

(Incubus)

Dear Bright House Networks,

Want to know what happens when YOU live in a Bright House?

I'm sitting at Starbucks this morning, attempting to participate in a group meeting for one the classes for my Master's degree. I'll be done with this degree, which I have taken entirely online in May- no thanks to you. In the past two years since I've lived with your service, I've been completely astonished to find service that was worse than the Comcast I had in DC. If those people were slightly sadistic and evil, you all are completely fucking inept. In the past 18 months, you have sent someone out to our house to "fix" whatever problem we've had with our internet access no less than 8 times. Every time they come out, find a different problem than the person before them, the internet works relatively well for a few weeks and then the same problem begins again. Considering that I can only actually connect to the internet about 25% of the time, I feel that it's only fair that I should pay you 25% of my bill, yes?

Listen, I understand that things happen. But this problem of not being able to access my internet, which I'm paying quite a bit of money for, has become a problem that's grown from merely annoying, to quite inconvenient, and now absolutely fucking enraging. I have 8 weeks of my class left before graduation. This semester, you have already made me miss giving a presentation for one of my classes, re-write an assignment so that I could submit it from my laptop (since I wrote it on our desktop and couldn't connect to the internet), and travel to Starbucks on a Saturday morning at 8:30am for a group meeting, not to mention countless efforts to get back onto the internet after you've inexplicably kicked me out.

I don't have time for this shit.

Additionally, you provide our cable. Up until about 3 months ago, this wasn't a problem. Recently however, our cable has decided to become temperamental. About three times a week, I turn on the TV and get 30 seconds of black screen, 30 seconds of programming and navigation, and 30 more seconds of black screen, ad infinitum. Fucking annoying. Do you know how long it takes to reset our cable box? Do you have any idea what it's like to live in a house without reliable cable or internet? It can be downright unpleasant. So, you have one more chance to fix this. After Sunday, if my internet isn't as reliable as the sun rising, I will take AT&T up on one of the annoyingly numerous offers they send us every month. U-verse cannot possibly be worse than you are.

Sincerely,
A Very Unhappy Customer

and they fly north when winter's done

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 14:19:00 +0000

(Further Seems Forever)

I had dinner with my friend Mel last night. It's been a few weeks since our schedules have worked out and we've been able to see each other. I vented and we talked about all the stuff that's been going on and it made me feel unbelievably better. Isn't it funny? It was the same way after talking to Z on Saturday night. The situation hasn't changed at all, but being around the right people can just change your perspective... or at least commiserate and make you feel less alone in your struggle.

Friendships, like relationships, are never simple. Rarely easy. But totally worth the fuss. I feel profoundly lucky to have so many great people in my life. Being an only child, at least my experience with being an only child, is that you take a long time to feel secure with people. I've had great friends for years now, but I'm not far enough removed from the scared, lonely freshman I was to not continually appreciate how awesome my friends are, how much they make me laugh, and how much they help me.

There's not much point to this post, except to say that my friends continually surprise me. Sometimes in the best possible ways, sometimes not. I'm trying really hard to learn to not take things so personally. What's right for one of us isn't right for all of us and I know that we're all just doing the best we can with what we have. I think that the struggle is from being happy with what you have and wanting your friends to be happy and thus, wanting them to have what you have- even if it's maybe not what they want. Does that make sense? Being friends with someone means that you have to give them room to grow- you have to let them change. And all of this often means biting your tongue, swallowing your pride sometimes, and letting go of old (or new) hurts. I guess it's all part of being an adult and we all know there are some moments when I really struggle with this whole being an adult thing.

But it's so worth it when you have friends who can change your mood in a matter of minutes. Friends that send you Valentines, or-emails with silly pictures in them when you're having a bad day, and bring you soup when you're sick. Friends that celebrate your small victories and help you deal with your big losses. Friends that make you laugh from 800 miles away. Friends that always see the best in you, even when you don't always see it in yourself. Friends that remember when you did that crazy thing and maybe got kicked out of an intramural softball game for it and don't hold it against you. Friends that are there. Just there, regardless of time of day or what's going on in their own lives or how many times they've heard you say all this before.

And I just want to say thank you. Because the past few weeks have been unusually trying for me. And the phone dates and the e-mails and visits and all of it really helped me get over this valley. And I feel lucky to have you.

what you're made of what you're not

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 15:23:00 +0000

(Archie Bronson Outfit)

Today was the first day in quite some time that I woke up and didn't feel that sense of impending doom. I credit J giving me a much needed pep talk and letting me vent last night as the source of my new found zen. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that no matter what, it's all going to work itself out. We're in an in-between place right now. The past few months have been tiring and the past few weeks have downright sucked. Being sick for weeks on end in the middle of my least favorite months have made me blue.

It's more than that though. Work and school and everything else has coalesced into one giant stress ball and made it pretty clear that we need to make some changes. J works minimum 55 hours a week, with an hour commute. I work at my assistantship 20 hours a week, plus at my cataloging position 30 hours a week (45 minutes commute), plus, I go to school full time. In my spare time, I'm planning our wedding. I can juggle and I can make it work, mostly because it's only for about two more months and once I finally graduate a giant weight will be lifted off me. But, it's only worth juggling all of this if we feel like we're working towards something, like what we're doing is worthwhile, and if it's not jeopardizing our health, relationship, or sanity.

We've reached the tipping point. It's not the time, though that's obviously less than ideal. It's the being exhausted every day, it's the being sick all the time, it's the never having energy to do anything for me-ness, and above all, it's the feeling that we're both sacrificing for positions that don't really appreciate us.

So.

We've made the decision that J needs to move on from his current position and do something else. The environment is really negative, the people suck, he's not learning, it's far from home, etc etc. Mostly, it's just making him really depressed. So the first step is to get out of the situation and do something else to bring home a paycheck and then re-evaluate what the next step is career-wise. It's scary. I'm also sure it's not what a lot of people would do. But, right now, our only major responsibility is really to ourselves and each other. We don't have kids, don't have other people relying on us, and until we do we get to be selfish about making our overall happiness and well-being first priority.

On my end, work has been really stressful lately. Much too stressful for something that's not full-time. I don't always feel like it's the best cultural fit. Sometimes, I feel like it's a little drilled in to me that I'm just part-time, but at the same time, I feel like I get responsibilities that I'm not adequately prepared or trained for. And that on top of school and the wedding and life has just been a lot recently. So, I've made the decision to give up the acquisitions portion of my duties (which is about 6 hours a week), go back down to three days, 24 hours, focus on cataloging and get a little pressure off me.

The six hours pay wise doesn't make much difference anyway. It's not the difference between supporting myself or not- come May when I graduate and my assistantship ends, I'll either need to get a full-time job or find another part-time job to augment this one. The hours make a difference in the stress level by a lot though. It also makes a difference in my availability for another part-time position...

I have an interview for one as an adjunct librarian on Wednesday. Academic library, better title, more liberal institution, different job duties. If it does, the next two months while I'm finishing school and my assistantship would totally blow. Besides that, it could be really perfect for me, actually. There aren't a ton of full time positions available in Orlando right now and I really want to avoid moving before the wedding. Ideally, if we have to move, I'd like to do it this time next year.

But, if I don't get it? That's going to be alright too. I have to believe that there is something out there that's a better fit for me. And as J pointed out last night... our worst case-scenario isn't all that bad. We're lucky to be debt free (minus student loans) and have a paid-for wedding. If we can't do much more than break even for the next few months, that's not ideal, but it is alright. Eventually, if we have to move, we will. And that will be okay too.

I just don't want us to make decisions based on fear. I don't want to kill myself at this job because I'm worried that I'll need the extra hours if I can't find something else. I don't want J to stay somewhere that is making him miserable simply because it's a steady job. It's just not worth it. Being in limbo or looking for something new or even starting something new is stressful and scary. But I don't want to live our lives sticking with something because even though it sucks beyond belief- it's consistent and familiar.

At some point, it will all be better than just okay. We've made so many changes in our lives over the past few years to get us to where we are. I'm not complaining, in general, life is really good and we're really lucky and we both know that. I just don't want us to get complacent... and I hope these changes make our lives just a little bit easier and a little bit better.

oh they'd love to see me fall but I'm already on my back

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 15:16:00 +0000

(Cage the Elephant)

2011 so far has just loved kicking me (in the teeth) when I'm down. It started with a head cold. Then I had that mole removed, endured the stitches and the antibiotics and the not bending over. Then the stitches came out, the nurse ripped my entire scab off and the damn thing is still healing. Finally, when that little incident was over, I came down with strep throat. The universe granted me a brief reprieve- literally a three day window of niceness- when Teddi was here last week-end and then my fiance promptly got food poisoning just in time for Valentine's Day! (Update: It was a stomach virus. Which I also caught. Hell.)

I know I'm not the first to wax on about the evils of WebMD. But this is the first time that it's actually freaked me out in relation to someone else and not myself. Love is constantly running around with your heart in someone else's hands. I cannot imagine having children, them being sick, and then having to wade through the fear-mongering that WebMD spewed at me yesterday. Seriously, it's like... "Well... it could be a flu-like virus. It could be food poisoning. Actually, it probably is just food poisoning! But, you know, just to be on the safe side, you haven't been on a cruise ship recently have you? Because it could be norovirus. Oh oh or malaria! And is your neck stiff? Because you know it might be meningitis..."

Literally, the highlight of my day yesterday was finding a new flavor (Cinnamon Raisin Swirl) of my favorite peanut butter (The Peanut Butter Company) at Publix. (Thus far they've only carried White Chocolate Wonderful, which is my jam [Haha. See what I did there?] and the Dark Chocolate Dreams- which is like a peanut butter version of Nutella.)

I don't even really give a shit that it was a bad Valentine's Day. It was simply a horrendous day in a series of not so good weeks. Everyone keeps saying that maybe 2011 is just getting this out of the way and Lord, I hope so. Because there is so so so much to look forward to and be happy about and events and endings and beginnings and girls trips and bridal showers and weddings and graduation and everything right around the corner and right now, I just want to crawl into a ball under my desk with my pack of cough drops and call it a day.

School is hard. It's my last semester. I'm literally counting down the days (70) till I'm done. I'm sure part of it senioritis, I'm so close to being done that I'm losing momentum. But, it's also just that this semester is ridiculously labor intensive. All group work and blog posts and semester long projects. It's worth it, of course, I'm not loathing my classes. But I am really ready to put the degree to use and spend my time in other ways.

Work is hard. I cried in my boss' office yesterday morning. It was mortifying and I don't really want to talk about it. Sometimes, I'm not sure that I'm the greatest fit here. I know that I'm smart and capable and I'm good at my job. But I'm really overwhelmed with every aspect of my life right now and coming in every day and having more things added to my work to-do list is starting to really get to me. Sometimes I think that people here (not my boss who is awesome but other people) forget that I am part-time and that I'm only supposed to be spending a very small portion of my time on collection development. I fully plan on addressing it at the next work flows meeting. Make me full time and pay me more or accept that you're going to have to wait for certain things to get done.

Exercise is hard. Things that are good for you are hard. Z, Winnie and I have a girl's trip in the ATL mid-April (cannot. wait.) and we collectively decided that signing up for a 5k while we were there would be a good idea. It's exactly enough time to finish Couch to 5k. So, I completed day 1 yesterday. Running outside is nothing like running on a treadmill. And I fucking loathe dieting. I don't have that much "weight" to lose, in fact, I'd be fine if I lost none and just toned up... so the amount of calories I'd have to eat in order to make a difference is pretty much the minimum I can eat before I starve. I'm a fairly healthy person to begin with, I mean- I like my donuts and all- but I believe in moderation and eating whole foods and trying to focus on drinking more water and eating more vegetables. I won't even bother telling you about my short foray into weight watchers.

Searching for a new job/additional job is hard. My assistantship ends in May when I graduate. And the debate over work-life-moving is semi-constant in my brain. Do I get another something part time? Do we move? At what point (price wise and other wise) is moving for a job worth it? When is it not? How long do we wait before we make that call? Do we really want to move out of Orlando before the wedding? We just had the damn house painted.

Amidst all the complaints, there are good things. J and I have both been cooking more. We are credit card debt free. We should be getting our first CSA bundle soon. The wedding planning is going pretty well- I found a dress for our engagement photos and some quite probable wedding shoes from BHLDN... and I ordered out cupcake toppers from Etsy. I read the first two books of The Hunger Games trilogy and I'm really enjoying them. Up next: finally reading The Chronicles of Narnia. Light reads before I can full indulge in summer beach reading. This fall's material was pretty heavy. Teddi was here last week-end! We shopped and ate and picked out a bridesmaid dress and ate some more. It was really great to have her here, shopping was glorious, and the meals were way beyond my diet but totally worth it.

Also, I finally got fitted for a bra for the first time since I gained weight. I cannot encourage you enough to do this. I've been wearing the same size since I hit puberty- 32 A. When I gained weight, I bumped it up to a 34 A. The girl measured me, said, "Well, you're about a 34 B, but I bet a 32 C would fit you the best." I laughed, took the bra, fully expected it to be too big and guess what? I am a 32 C. She handed me a little card with my size and everything- I think I might have it fucking framed. I really thought I'd have to get knocked up before I ventured into C territory. It's sort of changed my outlook- like, I might be pudgy but at least I am pudgy with C cups, you know?

I'm just so ready for the next two months to move by. I want life to return to normalcy, yes, in that I'd like us both to be healthy. But, I'm also so ready to be done with school and feel like I actually have time for things. Our lifestyle has made small changes and now I'm so beyond ready for some bigger ones.

I got out of bed today, swear to God I couldn't see my face

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 14:42:00 +0000

(Wintersleep)

After the stitches debacle? I got strep throat for the first time since 3rd grade. Today is my first day back at work, I have a literal pile of papers on my desk to sort through (not to mention the two carts of books that need cataloging), two classes tonight, homework, and a dear friend coming into town this week-end. So this is what I have to offer.

New music (to my iPod) for 2011:
- Wintersleep: "Weighty Ghost"
- Iron and Wine: "Each Coming Night"
- Rolling Stones: "Gimme Shelter" (My favorite Stones tune.)
- Rise Against: "Audience of One" (Proof that sometimes I do hear things on the radio I like. The singer's voice reminds me of Samiam.)
- The Hives: "Hate to Say I Told You So"
- Cage the Elephant: "Shake Me Down" and "Back Against the Wall" and "In One Ear" (So far, I like everything from this band. So far.)
- Archie Bronson Outfit: "Dart for My Sweetheart" (Watched too much UK Skins when I was sick.)
- Mike Posner: "Cooler Than Me" (Caught this video for this during an insomnia episode a few weeks ago and couldn't get it out of my head.)
- Mountain: "Mississippi Queen" (Because I am literally pining away for summer.)
- Stone Sour: "Say You'll Haunt Me"

Also. Due to the stitches and strep, I didn't accomplish a single one of my January goals- not even the eating of kale. So.

February Goals:

- Walk Sam everyday.
- Take a walk during lunch everyday.
- Try Kale.
- Make more smoothies.
~~- Break the dessert habit.~~ Michael Pollan claims that I should eat dessert everyday, so who am I to argue?

you got me sugar sugar sugar all your lovin

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 14:50:00 +0000

(LL Cool J)

So, I'm easing back into life. I had a last minute preventative surgery last week. I'm fine. But I have two inches of stitches in my back and I've been bored out of my mind and it's making me epically grumpy. I'm just so not inspired right now. It doesn't help that I intensely dislike this time of year to begin with. I put up with the cold weather bullshit in the spirit of the holidays and all, but come January 2nd and I am craving summer. Spring is full of pleasantries, to be sure- new beginnings and both mine and J's Birthdays are in March and trips and such. But really. The rain. The random cold. The lack of national holidays that relate to time off work. Where are my long days and warm breezes and sandals?

Part of my New Year's Resolutions (which I will share with you all... someday...) is making my goals more achievable. I read somewhere that setting small goals and giving yourself a month to turn them into habits that build toward larger goals actually helps you achieve your larger goals. Or something. So. This month we joined a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture. It's like a farm share. I've been waiting forever for Orlando to get one.) so more fruits and veggies, yay! And also...

Goals for January:
- Walk Sam everyday.
- Take a walk during lunch everyday.
- Try Kale.
- Make more smoothies.
- Break the dessert habit.

Yup, in the spirit of being adventurous, I am trying kale. Coming from the girl who spent four days watching Netflix and trying not to bend over and thus bust her stitches, it is quite adventurous indeed.

back in the U.S.S.R. you don't know how lucky you are boy

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 14:51:00 +0000

(The Beatles)

One big confession, my first of 2011. I'm turning 27 in two months. Not the confession. The confession is that the older I get, the more my rebellions have contracted. I no longer kiss strangers or drive too fast in the middle of the night or even fully express my road rage. I don't eat cookies for breakfast. I avoid getting into political debates on Facebook and Twitter. I bite my tongue. I try to be graceful about constantly being exposed to other people's bullshit.

In the parking garage yesterday, I accidentally cut someone off. She was not happy about it. She raised her eyebrows and totally mouthed something at me. And I... I stuck my tongue out at her. Because I am all of five years old, apparently. It was... pathetic, really. But it was also probably the most responsible response I could have mustered. I'm sure my uber-Christian workplace wouldn't appreciate me giving the finger to a co-worker.

Responsible. But unsatisfying, to be sure. So I have my tiny rebellions. I paint my toenails neon purple and wear sandals to work. I sign petitions. I listen to my music too loudly. In short, I have reverted to being 16. It doesn't really sit well with me all the time. I'm a fighter by nature and sometimes, even though I know it's best not to, not fighting or speaking up or giving that lady the finger... makes me feel like a hypocrite or a failure or that I've sold out to the man.

But you know... grace or patience or some other virtue that I'm trying to possess.

The years now past without a trace, it's something that I'm learning to embrace

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 03:30:00 +0000

(City and Colour)

A brand new year. The year we get married. In some ways, this break the past few weeks was exactly what I needed. I feel like it gave me some much needed clarity. I feel like it also made me realize that I really need to take a step back and re-evaluate some things. 2009 was a year in rewind. I feel like I spent a good portion of the year just trying to keep my head above water and figure out the next step. 2010 was the polar opposite. A year in fast-forward. A year of so many good things but mostly too much of everything. It went by in a blink.

So 2011. I just want to press play. I don't want to rush, I don't want to be over committed, over programmed. I want to sleep in on Sundays, I want to practice yoga, I want to take photography classes, I want to learn to be a better cook. I want to do all this on top of getting married (and planning the wedding) and finishing my last semester and graduating and finding a new job. I want to keep blogging. But most of all, I want to find that balance between pushing myself and feeling guilty and being tired all the time and regressing. I want to give myself the space to grow.

Lately, I've been feeling defensive. I feel like I have to justify my decisions a lot. Not because anyone is attacking me, but because I have so many wonderful friends, that I'm ridiculously proud of and that I feel incredibly lucky to know, but who live lives that I never could. I keep saying that I'm just not that ambitious when it comes to my career because I don't have these big goals that everyone else seems to and I keep justifying or apologizing for it. The truth is that there are things that I would love to do. I would love to work for the National Archives. I would love to work for a special collections. I would love to be the head of Collection Development somewhere.

The truth is that I am really scared of not being able to find something full-time and in my field and also worthwhile anywhere. The truth is that I think that with the economy the way it is and the field of librarianship the way it is right now, that I will be lucky to land wherever I land. And so I don't want to get too married to the idea of doing any one thing in any one place because my chances of being disappointed are pretty high. The truth is that I could make every sacrifice that I'm supposed to make and do everything right and still not get that dream job.

And the truth is that the dream job is just not that important to me. I love what I do everyday. I feel like it's important and worthwhile and I like that there is tangible evidence that what I do makes a difference. I feel appreciated... and the thing is, I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that I am smart and I am capable and I am confident that if I work hard it will pay off in the end. There are things that I would like to do a little bit more than others, but at the end of the day, as long as I'm not working circulation at a public library- I'll be ok.

The truth is also that I value my personal life more than my work life. And I worry that by simply stating this it comes off as a criticism of someone elses' choices. (This is also something that is seriously stressing me out in regards to my wedding- that in justifying my own choices I sound like I am criticizing someone else's.) I'm not. I'm truly not judging or criticizing anyone for their choice on where to live or what to do or how many hours to work. I just know what does and doesn't make ME happy. And I'm a firm believer in people doing whatever they have to do to make themselves happy.

I keep saying this phrase over and over again. "I'm just not that ambitious." And the more I say it, the more I hate myself for saying it. I am ambitious in the sense that I know what I want and I'm willing to make the sacrifices that I need to make to get there. I want a job that I enjoy, that I feel helps someone, that doesn't make me want to kill something at the end of every day, and that allows me the freedom to have the personal life that I want. I want to have the best personal relationships possible. And I want to be happy with myself.

There are people I know that can do it all. There are people that can work 60 hours a week and go to the gym and have wonderful relationships and that are fantastic friends. And the truth, friends, is that I am not one of them. In order to function and have any shred of patience and not completely stress myself out to the point of daily panic attacks, I need tons of support and tons of time and the least amount of stress possible.

So this year, the year of so many life changes, I am doing just that. I finally feel like I am recognizing how far I have come and how much further I have to go. And instead of feeling panicked over the change, the uncertainty... I am trying to see it as an opportunity to grow a little stronger.

remind me that we'll always have each other, when everything else is gone

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 14:00:00 +0000

(Incubus)

Oy, you guys. I think the past few months are finally catching up to me. It seems like the more time I'm supposed to have free, the more and more I just want to sleep. I can't ever remember being this tired before. I came home from work yesterday, sat down on the couch, and around 6:30 turned to J and said, "I'm totally ready for bed already." Eek. So not normal. And for the past week, I've been averaging between 8-12 hours a night. Besides kind of having a cold though, I feel fine. Just unbelievably tired.

And sleeping so much? It sort of makes me feel blue. Not really depressed, just kind of mopey. It doesn't help that I totally loathe winter. Even in Florida. I love fall, but once the thermostat shows that it's below 60 outside, I'm already ready for summer again. And I know it's Christmas, and there are lots of people here, and lights, and music, and presents and that's all quite lovely and all.

I just feel like there are so many things that I need to do still and it just never stops. And the basics- going to work, buying groceries, going to the gym... are just totally draining me right now.

Needless to say, the tired and the blues don't make for the best blog fodder. I have my New Year's Resolutions and if I look back at 2010, I can honestly say it was such a better year than the one before or even the one before that. I'm totally looking forward to 2011 (holy crap, 2011) and I have so so much that I want to say... there is wedding planning, friends that won't grow the eff up, a new job search starting in March (I am finally joining the real world in May and I need something full time), trips and visits and some new features that I want to do and really, life life life.

But, first, I really need to learn when to say when. And I need a nap. Today is my last day of work until the 3rd and I am going to thoroughly enjoy my days off. I don't know when I'll be back. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it might not be until the week after that. Let's just hope that whenever it is, I come back feeling rested and refreshed and ready.

every song we played looser than the last

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 17:30:00 +0000

(Local H)

It's a ramble today, folks. Fair warning.

I heard this song on the radio on my way into work this morning. Gah, I love Local H. It drives me crazy that everyone, even people on the radio, mis-state that "Bound for the Floor" is titled "Copacetic" but besides that I'm always happy to hear them getting some airtime. They've been around forever and their music always sounds just like them. It's comforting in a way... sometimes I think bands try too hard to reinvent the wheel.

I'm having a good day. It's freezing outside, but it's sunny. I was having a melancholy moment yesterday. Only child Christmas cold weather short daylight too many layers syndrome. Most of the time, I just don't really process that Z is in DC or that Teddi is in NY or that Winnie is in Atlanta or whatever. I mean, I know it... but I don't think about it. And then sometimes, it just really hits hard. I love my friends here in Orlando and I'm lucky that I'm still close with my best friends despite the distance. But, sometimes, I just really want the people I love to all be here, within arm's reach, for pedicures, and sushi, and chick flicks, and in person talks.

Talking to Z and Teddi and Mel last night really helped. And I kicked my own ass at the gym last night and I'm having a responsible adult week which means that I've cooked and the house is mostly clean and I'm being semi-productive. And I sat and played video games (Monkey Island. LucasArts is re-releasing a bunch of games that J and I both played as kids. Amazing.) with my fiance, and cuddled my dog, and sat bundled up in front of the Christmas tree and got over the feeling sorry for myself.

I need something new to read... Last night, I ended up re-reading part of How to Kill a Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartalo. I was reading this book when I was in the midst of things with B. I had forgotten a lot of the plot of it, but reading parts... pages I had dog-eared... it reminded me so much of who I was then, what I thought about love and life. How so much can change and yet so much can stay the same. Parts of the book still really resonate with me. That connection you have with someone who feels things the same way you do, the music (they actually quote "Just Like Heaven" in one of the chapters), the way it feels like the universe is just clicking everything into place.

DeBartolo does this great job of portraying all those feelings... desire, falling in love- that heady, drowning, drunk sort of near-delirium addiction that can come with the first stages, and all the pain and regret and confusion that comes when you're dealing with the shit part of it. But, then, a lot of the plot... I was really annoyed. With these stupid characters who can't just grow the fuck up and communicate with each other long enough to work their bullshit problems out. (Which isn't to say that real life relationships aren't messy and complicated. And I don't want to give the book away but, really... forcing the love of your life to break up with you by letting him catch you kiss someone that you don't love because he won't go on tour without you and you're terrified of flying and you don't want to ruin his career... blah fucking blah.)

I guess that this is growing up. ("It's alright, to tell me, what you think, about me...") What a difference time and circumstance and a little perspective make, huh? I still AM that girl. I still feel all those things. But the way I think about them all, about it all, is so different now.

The past two years have been fast, but really I think about the last four or so... and it just blows my mind. They say that time speeds up the older you get. Obviously, the getting married is a big step... but then people ask you about babies and you say, 29ish? Which is in TWO years. And you think, holy crap. And then... well. Two years. I could be, probably will be, in a wholly different world by then. Change is the only constant. Life throws things at us that we can't possibly predict or prevent, but you know... some of the best things in life have been complete surprises...

Soldiering on. I'm tired, but then, I'm pretty much always tired. Work is going well... The first few weeks were a little rough, but everyone seems to have warmed up to me. I like my work, I like my boss, I like having my own space. It's good resume experience. Plus, President's Brunch at work this morning. I'll say this for my current job, they certainly feed us more often than just about anywhere else I've been.

School is finally over for at least three weeks. ~~So far, I have two A's and I'm waiting on the final grade for my last class, but I'm hopeful that one will be an A as well.~~ Straight A's this semester. One. More. Semester. I can't wait to be done in May... I've loved my program and all but, I'm so ready to be done with this chapter. Working full time and going to school full time... it's a challenge.

Besides all that... life is good. Wedding planning is going... I should really write a whole post of an update about that soon. J and I got our Christmas tree up and it smells better than any tree I can remember having. I have from the 23rd to the 2nd off of work since the library is closed. My best friend will be in town. I have Christmas cards to write and gifts to buy and wrap... but, you know, I got those damn library books back to the library so, there's that. Besides blowing out my power strip at work this morning, trying to run my space heater and print something at the same time, all systems are go.

I just wish I had time for a smallish nap. And after re-reading this post, I sort of feel like my brain is a little short-circuited. Oh well. Keeping it real, I suppose.

light strikes a deal with each coming night...

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 11:13:00 +0000

(Iron and Wine)

We're so quick to see our faults rather than our strengths, aren't we? We being us, the human race, in general. We're quick to see them in others too, quick to judge, quick to blame. It's much harder, much less accepted, being an optimist rather than a pessimist. But, at the end of the day, I think that most of us really want to see the good, the beautiful, the kind or the generous. I think that hope is what makes us human. And at the end of the day, even though it would be easy to see all the tiny little ways that people suck sometimes, I feel like I'm constantly shown how wonderful they can be instead.

Maybe it's the whole bridal wedding love bliss, or the holiday goodwill towards man, or just the fact that I feel so lucky and loved... But this eternal pessimist is making a solid effort to change her stripes. And seeing the good in other people means trying to see it in myself, too.

I spend so much time being unhappy with my body. Wanting to change it, trying to figure out how. Which calorie can I cut or which magical exercise can I do to make my waist slimmer or my arms less jiggly or my butt the size it used to be? I slip up and I beat myself up about it. I'm sick and I feel guilty for missing work. I haven't sent out my Christmas cards yet and I have library books that are two weeks overdue and a paper due on Thursday that I haven't started yet and I see all of these things as signs of how I am failing or falling apart or just not measuring up. When, really, they are just things. Just circumstances. None of which are really lethal.

What's harder for me is to acknowledge when I'm doing something right. Partially, I think that it's due to us being conditioned, from birth, to downplay our own strengths or achievements. It's not nice to brag or to boast. I also hesitate to say how far I've come because it seems like I'm testing the universe or something. Like, hey, look I have my shit somewhat together... shouldn't you come knock me down again?

I think the biggest changes are just time and outlook. I've tried really hard to change my own behavior. A year ago, I was so unhappy with the realization that getting everything you want doesn't make you happy. That happiness isn't this place that you just arrive at and have a party in forever. That it's something that really is found in the individual moments. And that these are only really possible when life is good. That a bad day does not a bad life make. I no longer feel like the world is crashing down around my ears every three days. I'm able more often now to let the bad moment be a bad moment and move on. And that is epic progress.

This is largely due to J, but I no longer feel like everyone is going to leave me if I'm not perfect. My relationship with J has made my friendships better. And also largely due to J is this feeling of a bigger picture. Like all this work is for something. That I deserve this whole being happy thing because I do try really hard and I really have grown a lot.

It's not something that's easy to admit and it's something that very few people in a happy relationship will tell you but, getting engaged gave me a bit of a panic attack. I adore J and I want to get married very very much. To him. But after we got engaged every disagreement became the fight of the century. Why? Because every time we fought over something incredibly stupid, I thought... Will we have this fight for the rest of our lives? Will I be 75 and still fighting about turning the fan off when you leave the room? Holy shit. What am I signing up for?

The thing that's awesome and amazing and that has made me 110% ready to do this is that I could go to him and say that. I can go to J and say, I'm feeling anxious or scared or insecure or hurt or BLANK and he gives me a space where I can be safe with that. And for my part, I think that's made me a lot less prone to freaking out about it all. Like, we have a problem, we deal with it, we move on. And we'll probably always have some sort of something we're dealing with, but I can pretty much rest assured it won't be the same thing at least.

And instead of that making me feel hopeless... it makes me feel hopeful. I don't think I'm in some magical place where I am as mature or as good or as self-aware as I will ever be, which is probably the difference between me now and me at 20. But I'm glad that I can look back on the past few years and not feel like I'm missing something anymore. I feel grateful and happy to have the experiences but I really feel like life is still just beginning. And that it's only going to get better. And I can get better too.

the fun will never end

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 14:35:00 +0000

(Adventure Time. J's favorite cartoon. We always joke that our friend Jimmy totally could have written it.)

Confession.

When I am sick, it feels like the world is coming to an end. I stress, I whine, I feel incredibly sorry for myself. It's not just whiny in a "ugh, I feel SO terrible, I'm going to DIE" sort of way... it's also a "Why is this happening to meeeee????" Because being sick is not only never convenient, it also comes right when you've either been looking forward to something forever or you've been putting off something forever and now you have to get it done. Even though you're sick. Like the final paper for your last class of the semester. Or a cake tasting with two of your friends that you haven't seen in several weeks. Or your Mom's Preschool's Christmas Pageant. Or, you know, work. That thing that I do that gives me money to pay our bills and to buy Christmas presents. Being sick isn't just inconvenient to me right now- it also makes me feel like I'm letting everyone else down. And being a disappointment? That, friends, is my worst fear.

We're here tonight and that's enough.

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 15:25:00 +0000

(Paul McCartney)

I can't believe that it's already December. I've been in survival mode the past few weeks and I was just wondering what happened to October. I have a lot of holiday catching up to do! There are cards to be written and sent (I believe there's nothing quite like a hand-written card to make you feel loved) and gifts to be bought and cookies to be baked and movies to be watched! And songs to be listened to.

My favorite Christmas songs:

- Paul McCartney- "Wonderful Christmastime". It's so quirky and delightful.

- The Beach Boys- "Little Saint Nick". Coke commericals are my favorite at Christmas time. I don't care if it's blatant consumerism- that little polar bear? Adorable. And this song sounds like Florida at Christmastime.

- Vince Guaraldi Trio- Um, absolutely anything. "Linus and Lucy" is my ring tone, but "Skating" sounds the most like Christmas to me.

- Louis Armstrong- "Christmas in New Orleans". I adore Louis Armstrong and this is one song that you don't hear in every department store during the holidays.

- Eartha Kitt- "Santa Baby". Classic, and covered way too many times, but it's not Christmas without it.

- "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". I like the Kermit the Frog version, personally, but really just about any version of this song is a good one.

- Brenda Lee- "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree". I always listen to this when I'm decorating our tree. It feels very Mad Men- Christmas on too much eggnog.

- Ramones- "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)". So fun.

- Charles Brown- "Please Come Home for Christmas". (Lots of sources say that this song is "Bells Will Be Ringing".) Blues-y and a little sad. I didn't really get the meaning of this one until I was living in DC and far away from most of my nearest and dearest during the holidays. I feel extra lucky to be celebrating our second Christmas in our little home (and our third together) with a real live extra-good-smelling tree and a small dose of sweater worthy weather.

- Gayla Peevy. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." This is so me at 8 or 9.

Can you tell I dig the quirky? What are your favorite holiday tunes?

we will be victorious

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 15:42:00 +0000

(Muse)

I haven't forgotten about you, dear little blog. I have lots of stories to tell and things floating around that I'd like to talk about but... I've been in survival mode. Thanksgiving + Finals Week + traveling to Gainesville for PubMed training in a week. I promise promise I will return at some point this week-end, probably a little cranky but otherwise no worse for the wear.

Topics up for discussion? a months worth of baking, my favorite Christmas songs, a new determination towards being healthy, the merging of our families, a look back on all the movies I've seen this year, why I like my job at this time of the year, wedding music and other wedding news (I ordered my veil) and really. I just want to talk about how I feel like I've come so far this year.

But right now, I have about 50 things I have to get done.

hypodermic people poking fun at the living

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 08:00:00 +0000

(At the Drive-In)

Confessions?

- I think I am the textbook definition of a nervous bride, something I never thought I'd be. I'm just so worried about having to depend on all these other people to make things happen.

- I've been trying to write a post about movies for the past two months and no matter how hard I try it keeps coming out boring.

- I love grunge, but I really loathe 99% of all of Pearl Jam's music. Just, Eddie Vedder's voice. Ugh.

- I am clumsy as fuck. I don't know when exactly this happened. You would assume a former dancer would be graceful, right? But I bump into things on a daily basis, like the corner of my desk, or the coffee table, or walls. You know those people that their hands move too slow for their brain? They can think a sentence much faster than they can type it, so it seems like their typing really sucks? My body is like that. I move too quickly and plot out how I'm getting somewhere too far in advance; it makes it hard to make last minute adjustments in my route. It makes for being a good driver, but a really shitty walker.

- Somewhere in the past few months I have learned every single lyric to Kanye West's "Flashing Lights". I don't know how or why this happened. Things like this make me think that I'd be really good at lyrics based games (there's a superbly bad one on VH1 right now with Mark McGrath as the host) but I also frequently mishear lyrics and will sing them wrong for years. See this post: Red Hot Chili Peppers and a land called harmony.

- This is my favorite wedding blog: http://hifiweddings.com/ I started a music list for the wedding before we even got engaged.

- I swear more than any of my other friends. It's to the point now that after I say something I wonder if I'm offending one of my friends and they're just not telling me.

- I'm still debating whether or not to graduate in spring or summer. As much as I'm ready to be done with school and I know I don't need the extra loan debt, I just don't feel ready to leave the security of what I know. Regardless, I talked to my Mom and I talked to J and I'm taking the plunge. Come May, I will be school-free for the first time in 21 years. Holy crap.

- I think that if I had a work-out buddy, even a virtual one, I wouldn't need my personal trainer anymore.

come and I'll take you under this beautiful bruise's color

noreply@blogger.com (Teeny) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 15:49:00 +0000

(Foo Fighters)

In the past 24 hours my stress level has increased exponentially... J got a flat tire. Pulling into our neighborhood. (Did I mention he was in a minor car accident three weeks ago? And that he got a speeding ticket on our way to Atlanta two days before that? Yup.) The cheating friend got found out and I got a slew of text messages from her now ex-boyfriend. My best friend (completely unrelated to the other friend I just mentioned) had a sister-sized monkey wrench thrown at her. My future father-in-law called and asked me extremely nicely to bring my parents for an appearance on Thanksgiving Day and I agreed. To introduce our parents. Without J. Because he'll be working (600 covers expected). And it's not just our parents, it's the entire family. Nerve wracking much? Extremely nice to be already loved and included an almost year before the wedding, but still. Nerves. And suddenly lots on my plate.

And I feel like Thanksgiving is going to be an illusion. Like, I think it'll be time off but I've already over committed myself. I have plans ~~just about~~ everyday, plus two major assignments to get done (does anyone know anything about Second Life?) and some work-work for my assistantship. Next week, I'm going to a conference in Gainesville for a day and a half, so I have a massive amount of stuff to get done before Tuesday.

I feel like I had way more to say, but I've been interrupted (blasted work) so many times that I should probably just end this here. Suffice to say... Busy? Yes. Happy? Yes. Thankful? Yesyesyes. And stressed? Yes.