The Lovely Penny Layne

I got you in my pocket for when I get home

2011-09-01T14:51:00.000-04:00

(Born Ruffians)

ONE MONTH TO GO UNTIL OUR WEDDING. Holy shit. I so can't believe that we've hit this point. The past six months have really just flown by. Left on my to do list? Put together the programs and favors. Have my make-up and hair trials. Go to my final dress fitting. Wait for the flowers to arrive and then put those together. Finalize the ceremony details. Have my walk-through with our day of coordinator. Get our marriage license. (Holy crap.) You know... details mostly.

I honestly can't believe the amount of details and hand-picked stuff I've been able to pull together for the wedding. I know a lot of people won't even notice most of it, but I'm excited to show the pictures to people and be able to say- oh, I went shopping with my Mom at antique stores for all those cake plates, or my Dad put the twine on all 150 mason jars for us. Luckily, we have photographers that are really amazing and I know will be able to capture every detail.

After the wedding, I'll have to do a post about where I got everything. Etsy has been my biggest resource- from a custom made stamp for our wedding favors to a special hanger for my dress (it says sara <3 juan). I have custom cake toppers, a ring bearer box, tutus for the flower girls, bird cages for cards, party poms, a photobooth backdrop, etc etc etc. And it's all hanging out in my closet, garage and brain. Our honeymoon is booked, our rehearsal dinner invites have been sent out, and our rsvps are due back tomorrow. The past 16 months of planning and debating and building are finally coming together at the end of the month. Actually, after the wedding I really need to make time to sit and write about it all because I largely haven't. It's been such a big part of my time and my life. It's been sometimes frustrating, sometimes thrilling, sometimes really fun, and other times a total freaking hassle, but more than anything when I look back on the past year and a (almost) half, I just feel profoundly lucky.

I should have written about the most amazing bridal shower and bachelorette party that were thrown for me two months ago because more than anything else they really demonstrate how overwhelmingly loved I've felt throughout this whole process. Every detail was perfect and it was so evident how much time and care Alicia and the bridesmaids had put into every detail, but more than that, I was surrounded by so many people that loved me. They were all happy and talking and it was perfection. In the middle of the tea, I looked around and had a vision of what my wedding might be like. And then, later, in the middle of a zebra striped hummer limo, toasting champagne, I felt it again. Like, exactly where I should be. Start to finish, the whole day, both events were totally perfect. I teared up during everyone's speeches at the bridal shower, was overwhelmed by Juan's family and their generosity, drank too much champagne, had heart to hearts with everyone there, sat on the floor whilst dancing at iBar, force-fed Rachel ice, and made Melissa buy me a shot of Patron and then promptly dumped it on the floor.

On the one hand, I can't wait to be married. I can't wait to get this show on the road and walk down that aisle to Juan and really truly start our lives together. I can't wait to dance and see everyone and go on this honeymoon which is really turning into an epic food tour of San Francisco. I can't wait to talk about other things! (I've gotten so boring.) And at the same time, while it's often been frustrating and never-ending and stressful, I have really loved being engaged. It's been one of the few times in my life where everything has fallen into place exactly the way I've always hoped it would. I'm really hopeful that our wedding, in approximately 30 short days, will go exactly the same way.

First though? My best friend's bridal shower and bachelorette party are this Saturday and I can't wait to help her celebrate!

who knows which one of us will stay and either way, these things we don't comprehend

2011-08-31T15:26:00.000-04:00

(Tantric)

I've been thinking, ever since Jeff moved to Ft. Worth last month, that it's really rare that you ever know that the last time you see someone, is actually the last time you'll see them. We say goodbye and hello and move in and out of each other's lives, so many lives, so often. Every day, even. Besides confronting my own mortality every single time I have to get on an airplane, I pretty much always assume that "good-bye" only ever means, "until next time". Even when you don't know when you'll see that someone again, even when they're moving across the country, you always tell yourself that they're coming back.

Larger than space or time though, I think our lives themselves move us together and apart. I don't think that you have to be in the same location to be friends, or even the same place in your life. But, I do think that there are certain things in your life that happen and they change you, they change your circumstances and your outlook and maybe even the amount of patience or emotional energy you have. I try so hard to hold on to everyone I love with both hands. Letting go is something that just doesn't come naturally to me.

Anyway. So much has changed in just a few short years. I fight constantly against this holding on too tightly, but sometimes I wonder if we should? No matter how mad I am, I always call back and say "I love you", because morbid as it is, what if it's the last time I get to say it? If you knew that it would be two years before I saw you again, would you hug me tighter? Would you linger over your coffee longer? Would you have gotten out of the car at the airport that day to kiss me properly?

We'll never know, I guess.

The flip side, of course, is that you also never know what new thing today will bring. This day, this moment right here, is another chance to turn it around, to smile, to laugh, to love. To breathe deep and live. I wonder if I will be 90 and still feel this unyielding hunger for more everything. It's not that I'm never satisfied, on the contrary, I think that I can be exceptionally good at appreciating the little individual moment that I'm living in. It's just that there's so much out there- skin and dirt and rain and life.

And I want it all.

How often do we do that with our wants or our hopes or our dreams? How often do we think that we'll come back and pick something up later when we have more time or more energy? What if that day never comes? What if this moment is IT, the cosmic moment you've been waiting for? Why leave anything undone, anything unsaid? Why not throw it all out to the universe today and let the pieces fall where they may?

The best things in my life have happened when I stopped wondering and just jumped. I've had my heart broken and my knees scraped, but oh, I have lived. And if I wasn't here tomorrow, no one would wonder how I felt or what I thought because I said it. Everyday. I know that moderation is a way of life for other people, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I'll never wonder if there was something more I should have done because at the end of the day, I lived it. I've found that making decisions based on the fear that something won't work out is the quickest way to ensure that your fears are realized.

I quit my part-time job two months ago because the work environment was making me miserable. I've applied and applied and haven't even been getting interviews for jobs in my field that I am totally qualified for. So, I'm volunteering and applying and waiting. And, honestly, the reduced funds suck, but it's pretty ok. I'm young and I'm smart and eventually I'll make a decision that will change things. Who knows where that will lead? Maybe to a library, maybe to a donut shop.

The point is, the only moment that really belongs to you is the one you're living in, right now. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Why waste it by holding back?

i'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears and you can go swimming when you are here

2011-08-27T00:26:00.002-04:00

(Otis Redding)

I'm putting together the mix CD for our wedding favors. We're getting married in just over a month. I can't believe that we're finally here and it's so close... time has started rushing by. It's been months since I felt balanced and clear-headed. Especially enough to write anything. Most of the time, the sad or the overwhelming or the startling happy means that I can't write enough. This summer I haven't had very many moments, good or bad, that I really wanted to talk about. And it's weird, because there's no lack of the memorable here. I think I've just felt adrift. Like, caught up in a wave that there isn't really any point of analyzing.

So, here I am again. Starting over? Or just a quick interlude? Do we ever really know? I don't know, I've just been sitting here for hours, pouring over the final details of our wedding music. My brain is fried and I feel equal parts weary and restless. Sometimes, I think I miss you but I can't tell if it's just that I felt this way so much when I was with you and I so rarely do now that I'm with him. I wish sometimes that we had gotten to that point in our relationship where shit just gets so boring you can't stand to be around the other person. Of course, there were times I couldn't stand to be around you or that things were tedious, but Jesus. Boring. No. Whereas, see, with Jeff I always know that, yes, I miss him. It's simple and because it's simple, it's somehow innocent and ok. And because my life with you in it could be so utterly miserable, I feel like I am never allowed to admit that sometimes I miss you. That there was a time when you understood me better than anyone ever had.

Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe people will read too much into it (though, who's reading this anymore by now anyway?) or maybe it will come off wrong or whatever, but I don't particularly care. I'm allowed to feel however I think I feel. Loving him is so different, our relationship is so different from everything else. I'm going to be his wife. It's not something that should or could ever really be compared to anything else.

It's the same way with music. They say that smell is the strongest sense for memory, but I sure as hell don't think so. Sometimes I can't tell if I miss something or want something or it's just that I still love this piece of music just as much as I did then. And the memory is so strong, I could actually confuse it for the genuine original emotion.

So, I'm here. Another late night in front of the computer mixing and remixing and over thinking and over feeling. And I think about all the other times I've done this for some silly little collection of music that most people will listen to once before it gets stuffed under their car seat. And I wonder how many more times I'll really do this or if any other time will ever be this important to me. Even if it isn't important to anyone else.

It's not like the music could ever be some cosmic representation of our relationship or my feelings. I'm not that starry eyed or that naive. But, it can sure as hell strike close. Certain songs are, of course, linked to particular memories. Driving in the car or picking the music for our ceremony or being in New Orleans. Some are just lovely on their own or remind me of him or of us for some reason. A band he introduced me to or a song he put on the one and only mix he's ever made me.

It's hard for me sometimes, to say that I'm so happy and so lucky and so loved. And that I love so much. But also that I am sad or overwhelmed or lonely. Not alone, just lonely. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning and hiding it in this fog, but I'm not sure that I want to take some magic pill and make it all better either. I'm not sure who I am without this depth of feeling, even if it does always make me wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next. Especially when there are days where doing anything, making any decision, feels insurmountable.

The only thing I am sure of is that marrying him is the one decision that I've not questioned. It sounds trite, but as long as we're together, I know that it'll be OK. It's just figuring out all the rest. And all the rest is... a lot.

Fitting a mix together is like a puzzle. Making Otis Redding mesh with Smashing Pumpkins and Queen and the Born Ruffians... it can all go together, but maybe not right next to each other. Some things you really want to put on there might not fit. And you can't put absolutely everything on there, because there's a finite amount of space.

Life is like that too.

God, what a terrible cliche thing to say. But it doesn't make it any less true. Every decision I make isn't just choosing something- it also means NOT choosing something. I just want to be able to stop thinking about how everything I put in my mouth is making my jeans ever so slightly tighter, or how my arms will look in my wedding dress, or whether people will dance to this song at the wedding, or what music should be playing when we cut our cake, or how the pets will fare without us on our honeymoon, or why no one is interviewing me for jobs I am totally qualified for. Or what we should have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Or what day of the week is easiest to get groceries. Or why I loathe working out so much.

All I want lately is to drink and dance and fuck. I just want my brain off. And there probably isn't a worse time to decide that I don't want to be responsible than right now. At least this CD is mixed, so I can check one thing off my to do list.

2011-04-08T15:39:00.000-04:00

I want so much that I can't put into words right now.

I'm so burnt out.

I have two weeks left of school.

I recently got some news from my current employer that makes me even more motivated to find something new.

I am anxious and overwhelmed and completely frazzled.

But, I am right on the edge of something. The end of this phase. I have been survive, survive, survive, endure, focus, push through, just a little bit longer for so long. And now?

I am so close to deep breath, next step, learn to thrive.

but there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow and I can be on the last train home

2011-03-29T14:31:00.000-04:00

(Lostprophets)

Mildly related/Staccato/I don't have time for a real post, but lots to say:
- I turned twenty-seven last week. There was a Tiffany box and much food and "Wicked". It was delightful. I was going to do a post all in pictures... but then life got in the way.
- Facebook is evil, part 1. I am totally fine that one of my ex-boyfriends got married over the week-end. However, it ever so mildly freaks me out that they got hitched at OUR venue and they're honeymooning in OUR destination, as well. It's just... weird.
- JLM is moving to Fort Worth in two months. I was talking to him on the phone last week and I kept thinking that his voice hasn't changed at all, but we have. So much. It's kind of miraculous that we've managed to make our friendship last.
- Facebook is evil, part 2. Reading about an incident involving my sorority chapter and a fraternity that I used to spend a lot of time with is making me ill, angry, and disheartened.
- Approximately 17 days till our annual girl's trip and only about 23 days of school left! I am equal parts ecstatic and nervous and omg, there's so so so much to do before then. A major paper and two major group projects and lots of little things in between then and now.
- I cannot wait to for our Annual Girl's Trip, too many cocktails, Gone with the Wind, hopefully trying on my wedding dress, gossip, girl talk, and carbs with Winnie and Z.
- I cannot wait to come home and not have to go to school, deal with group members, listen to lectures, and to finally be able to apply to jobs that I'm qualified for and not only those I'm way overqualified for.
- I am still searching for a job. Every. day.
- No, I have not worked out in months. Yes, I am more than partially responsible for why we are not running that 5k during our Annual Girl's Trip this year.
- I am making my peace with my body.
- Which is not to say that I don't have goals.
- Summer goals: use my gym membership, learn how to coupon effectively, take another photography class, figure out how to upgrade (and regularly update) my blog, and find a big girl job.
- I miss my friends. I'm really ready to see everyone a lot in the next few months.
- For every day I have that I am totally overwhelmed, I have one where I rise above it... I will never not freak out and get wound up about things that are totally not in my control. But, I'm also trying to see the situations where it's really not about me, or my fault, or my problem, and the places where worrying about it isn't going to help.
- Our engagement photos are next week. Coffee themed. I adore our photographers and I'm really excited.
- My wedding dress is ever so slightly MIA. I am not quite worried yet. Thank god I ordered it so far in advance.
- I am over wedding planning right now. I mean, I still care. I just don't want to have to actually make decisions and execute things right now. And I'll get over it... in about three weeks when school is over and I feel like I can have my life back.
- Honeymoon plans... San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Lake Tahoe... I am so. so. excited.
- I adore you. Every time I think that I can't possibly handle another day of job hunting, school, dog hair, and being angry at the internet... I think of you and us and how impossibly lucky I am to have found you and as trite and hallmark as it sounds, it makes it all so much better.
- I cannot wait to marry you.

it's a reason, why I'm here

2011-03-17T13:03:00.000-04:00

(Oleander)

My little space is going through a transition phase, much like my personal life right now. After several rough months, the light at the end of the tunnel is finally growing closer. J and I are insanely happy and insanely busy, but once life settles down a little bit (ha) I'm planning on shaking things up here. Quite a lot.

burn all the evidence, a fabricated disbelief

2011-03-03T09:15:00.001-05:00

(Cage the Elephant)

Confessions. A day late, I know.

- When I want to make a point in an e-mail, I use the same word twice in a row: "also also" or "and and" are frequent. It's so obnoxious, but I can't help it.

- I'm causing quite the brouhaha at work. My (older female) coworker has been invading my personal space, smacking my arm for emphasis, and the other day she put her hand on my thigh during a meeting with my supervisor. I'm the most affectionate person on the planet (Really! I'm Southern. We hug. A lot.) and I've never been in a situation (outside of boys or bars) where someone has touched me in a way that I've found offensive. My boss told his boss who talked to the woman who has since apologized but also lectured me about the way I handled it. Honestly, the situation, like other situations at this particular job, has spiraled out of my control. I've never worked somewhere that isn't ridiculously professional and where I haven't totally excelled. Maybe it's wrong, but I don't really think the problem is me. I don't think it's ever appropriate to touch someone without their permission, especially a coworker. You never know how they've been raised or what they're dealing with or even just whether or not it would be welcome. Why would you assume it was ok? I think I just need to move to another position elsewhere as soon as possible. Which is causing me no small amount of stress.

- I dream almost every night and I often dream about people I know- but not as they are now, as they were in the past. Like, if I have a dream about JLM it's not him now, it's us at 18 or 20. And it's not just ex-boyfriends, either.

- My training for this 5k in April with Winnie and Z is not. going. well. I've never wanted to prove something to myself so badly and yet, I can't seem to find the time or the energy to make it happen.

- On a positive note? I've never been so freaking ecstatic to see March! Good things are on the way, I believe it.

singing songs ain't got no regrets

2011-03-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

(The Black Crowes)

Why isn't there a mid-rock station? Have you ever noticed that? There's "classic" rock which usually spans from 1970-1989 and then "new" rock which takes over from 1990-present. (And oldies, but I'm not going there.) At what point does "new" rock become "classic"? Because 1990 was, oh, 21 years ago. Grunge is officially legal to drink- doesn't that make you feel old? Anyway, I posed this question hypothetically in the car with J the other day. Quickly followed up by how amazing it would be if there was a station that played rock from the late 80's to the early 2000's. (Incidentally, yes, I am aware that XM has this. But I am a poor grad student and have to make do with last.fm.)

J promptly told me that no one would listen to it. Apparently, I'm the only one that thinks that most rock has gone to shit since Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. I mean, I love classic rock, too, don't get me wrong, but I don't always want to listen to it. It's not mine in the way that the music I grew up to was. I try to remember that, whenever things are hard, or scary, or not going my way... that something is mine in a way that no one can ever take away from me. I think I'm lucky to feel that way about music.

Anyway. I forgot where I was going with this. I think my point was that I've started listening to the Black Crowes again and it makes me happy. I can't remember where else I was going with this... Just been listening to a lot of music lately. I've been having trouble compiling the various playlists associated with the wedding because I can't narrow down what I love and also figure out what everyone else will want to listen to. I've also been buying a bunch of new (to me) music. Remembering people and places and what summer feels like. Letting myself dream.

It feels right.

on the tip of my tongue an offensive is poised and rearing

2011-02-26T09:35:00.001-05:00

(Incubus)

Dear Bright House Networks,

Want to know what happens when YOU live in a Bright House?

I'm sitting at Starbucks this morning, attempting to participate in a group meeting for one the classes for my Master's degree. I'll be done with this degree, which I have taken entirely online in May- no thanks to you. In the past two years since I've lived with your service, I've been completely astonished to find service that was worse than the Comcast I had in DC. If those people were slightly sadistic and evil, you all are completely fucking inept. In the past 18 months, you have sent someone out to our house to "fix" whatever problem we've had with our internet access no less than 8 times. Every time they come out, find a different problem than the person before them, the internet works relatively well for a few weeks and then the same problem begins again. Considering that I can only actually connect to the internet about 25% of the time, I feel that it's only fair that I should pay you 25% of my bill, yes?

Listen, I understand that things happen. But this problem of not being able to access my internet, which I'm paying quite a bit of money for, has become a problem that's grown from merely annoying, to quite inconvenient, and now absolutely fucking enraging. I have 8 weeks of my class left before graduation. This semester, you have already made me miss giving a presentation for one of my classes, re-write an assignment so that I could submit it from my laptop (since I wrote it on our desktop and couldn't connect to the internet), and travel to Starbucks on a Saturday morning at 8:30am for a group meeting, not to mention countless efforts to get back onto the internet after you've inexplicably kicked me out.

I don't have time for this shit.

Additionally, you provide our cable. Up until about 3 months ago, this wasn't a problem. Recently however, our cable has decided to become temperamental. About three times a week, I turn on the TV and get 30 seconds of black screen, 30 seconds of programming and navigation, and 30 more seconds of black screen, ad infinitum. Fucking annoying. Do you know how long it takes to reset our cable box? Do you have any idea what it's like to live in a house without reliable cable or internet? It can be downright unpleasant. So, you have one more chance to fix this. After Sunday, if my internet isn't as reliable as the sun rising, I will take AT&T up on one of the annoyingly numerous offers they send us every month. U-verse cannot possibly be worse than you are.

Sincerely,
A Very Unhappy Customer

and they fly north when winter's done

2011-02-23T09:19:00.002-05:00

(Further Seems Forever)

I had dinner with my friend Mel last night. It's been a few weeks since our schedules have worked out and we've been able to see each other. I vented and we talked about all the stuff that's been going on and it made me feel unbelievably better. Isn't it funny? It was the same way after talking to Z on Saturday night. The situation hasn't changed at all, but being around the right people can just change your perspective... or at least commiserate and make you feel less alone in your struggle.

Friendships, like relationships, are never simple. Rarely easy. But totally worth the fuss. I feel profoundly lucky to have so many great people in my life. Being an only child, at least my experience with being an only child, is that you take a long time to feel secure with people. I've had great friends for years now, but I'm not far enough removed from the scared, lonely freshman I was to not continually appreciate how awesome my friends are, how much they make me laugh, and how much they help me.

There's not much point to this post, except to say that my friends continually surprise me. Sometimes in the best possible ways, sometimes not. I'm trying really hard to learn to not take things so personally. What's right for one of us isn't right for all of us and I know that we're all just doing the best we can with what we have. I think that the struggle is from being happy with what you have and wanting your friends to be happy and thus, wanting them to have what you have- even if it's maybe not what they want. Does that make sense? Being friends with someone means that you have to give them room to grow- you have to let them change. And all of this often means biting your tongue, swallowing your pride sometimes, and letting go of old (or new) hurts. I guess it's all part of being an adult and we all know there are some moments when I really struggle with this whole being an adult thing.

But it's so worth it when you have friends who can change your mood in a matter of minutes. Friends that send you Valentines, or-emails with silly pictures in them when you're having a bad day, and bring you soup when you're sick. Friends that celebrate your small victories and help you deal with your big losses. Friends that make you laugh from 800 miles away. Friends that always see the best in you, even when you don't always see it in yourself. Friends that remember when you did that crazy thing and maybe got kicked out of an intramural softball game for it and don't hold it against you. Friends that are there. Just there, regardless of time of day or what's going on in their own lives or how many times they've heard you say all this before.

And I just want to say thank you. Because the past few weeks have been unusually trying for me. And the phone dates and the e-mails and visits and all of it really helped me get over this valley. And I feel lucky to have you.

what you're made of what you're not

2011-02-22T10:23:00.000-05:00

(Archie Bronson Outfit)

Today was the first day in quite some time that I woke up and didn't feel that sense of impending doom. I credit J giving me a much needed pep talk and letting me vent last night as the source of my new found zen. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that no matter what, it's all going to work itself out. We're in an in-between place right now. The past few months have been tiring and the past few weeks have downright sucked. Being sick for weeks on end in the middle of my least favorite months have made me blue.

It's more than that though. Work and school and everything else has coalesced into one giant stress ball and made it pretty clear that we need to make some changes. J works minimum 55 hours a week, with an hour commute. I work at my assistantship 20 hours a week, plus at my cataloging position 30 hours a week (45 minutes commute), plus, I go to school full time. In my spare time, I'm planning our wedding. I can juggle and I can make it work, mostly because it's only for about two more months and once I finally graduate a giant weight will be lifted off me. But, it's only worth juggling all of this if we feel like we're working towards something, like what we're doing is worthwhile, and if it's not jeopardizing our health, relationship, or sanity.

We've reached the tipping point. It's not the time, though that's obviously less than ideal. It's the being exhausted every day, it's the being sick all the time, it's the never having energy to do anything for me-ness, and above all, it's the feeling that we're both sacrificing for positions that don't really appreciate us.

So.

We've made the decision that J needs to move on from his current position and do something else. The environment is really negative, the people suck, he's not learning, it's far from home, etc etc. Mostly, it's just making him really depressed. So the first step is to get out of the situation and do something else to bring home a paycheck and then re-evaluate what the next step is career-wise. It's scary. I'm also sure it's not what a lot of people would do. But, right now, our only major responsibility is really to ourselves and each other. We don't have kids, don't have other people relying on us, and until we do we get to be selfish about making our overall happiness and well-being first priority.

On my end, work has been really stressful lately. Much too stressful for something that's not full-time. I don't always feel like it's the best cultural fit. Sometimes, I feel like it's a little drilled in to me that I'm just part-time, but at the same time, I feel like I get responsibilities that I'm not adequately prepared or trained for. And that on top of school and the wedding and life has just been a lot recently. So, I've made the decision to give up the acquisitions portion of my duties (which is about 6 hours a week), go back down to three days, 24 hours, focus on cataloging and get a little pressure off me.

The six hours pay wise doesn't make much difference anyway. It's not the difference between supporting myself or not- come May when I graduate and my assistantship ends, I'll either need to get a full-time job or find another part-time job to augment this one. The hours make a difference in the stress level by a lot though. It also makes a difference in my availability for another part-time position...

I have an interview for one as an adjunct librarian on Wednesday. Academic library, better title, more liberal institution, different job duties. If it does, the next two months while I'm finishing school and my assistantship would totally blow. Besides that, it could be really perfect for me, actually. There aren't a ton of full time positions available in Orlando right now and I really want to avoid moving before the wedding. Ideally, if we have to move, I'd like to do it this time next year.

But, if I don't get it? That's going to be alright too. I have to believe that there is something out there that's a better fit for me. And as J pointed out last night... our worst case-scenario isn't all that bad. We're lucky to be debt free (minus student loans) and have a paid-for wedding. If we can't do much more than break even for the next few months, that's not ideal, but it is alright. Eventually, if we have to move, we will. And that will be okay too.

I just don't want us to make decisions based on fear. I don't want to kill myself at this job because I'm worried that I'll need the extra hours if I can't find something else. I don't want J to stay somewhere that is making him miserable simply because it's a steady job. It's just not worth it. Being in limbo or looking for something new or even starting something new is stressful and scary. But I don't want to live our lives sticking with something because even though it sucks beyond belief- it's consistent and familiar.

At some point, it will all be better than just okay. We've made so many changes in our lives over the past few years to get us to where we are. I'm not complaining, in general, life is really good and we're really lucky and we both know that. I just don't want us to get complacent... and I hope these changes make our lives just a little bit easier and a little bit better.

oh they'd love to see me fall but I'm already on my back

2011-02-15T10:16:00.002-05:00

(Cage the Elephant)

2011 so far has just loved kicking me (in the teeth) when I'm down. It started with a head cold. Then I had that mole removed, endured the stitches and the antibiotics and the not bending over. Then the stitches came out, the nurse ripped my entire scab off and the damn thing is still healing. Finally, when that little incident was over, I came down with strep throat. The universe granted me a brief reprieve- literally a three day window of niceness- when Teddi was here last week-end and then my fiance promptly got food poisoning just in time for Valentine's Day! (Update: It was a stomach virus. Which I also caught. Hell.)

I know I'm not the first to wax on about the evils of WebMD. But this is the first time that it's actually freaked me out in relation to someone else and not myself. Love is constantly running around with your heart in someone else's hands. I cannot imagine having children, them being sick, and then having to wade through the fear-mongering that WebMD spewed at me yesterday. Seriously, it's like... "Well... it could be a flu-like virus. It could be food poisoning. Actually, it probably is just food poisoning! But, you know, just to be on the safe side, you haven't been on a cruise ship recently have you? Because it could be norovirus. Oh oh or malaria! And is your neck stiff? Because you know it might be meningitis..."

Literally, the highlight of my day yesterday was finding a new flavor (Cinnamon Raisin Swirl) of my favorite peanut butter (The Peanut Butter Company) at Publix. (Thus far they've only carried White Chocolate Wonderful, which is my jam [Haha. See what I did there?] and the Dark Chocolate Dreams- which is like a peanut butter version of Nutella.)

I don't even really give a shit that it was a bad Valentine's Day. It was simply a horrendous day in a series of not so good weeks. Everyone keeps saying that maybe 2011 is just getting this out of the way and Lord, I hope so. Because there is so so so much to look forward to and be happy about and events and endings and beginnings and girls trips and bridal showers and weddings and graduation and everything right around the corner and right now, I just want to crawl into a ball under my desk with my pack of cough drops and call it a day.

School is hard. It's my last semester. I'm literally counting down the days (70) till I'm done. I'm sure part of it senioritis, I'm so close to being done that I'm losing momentum. But, it's also just that this semester is ridiculously labor intensive. All group work and blog posts and semester long projects. It's worth it, of course, I'm not loathing my classes. But I am really ready to put the degree to use and spend my time in other ways.

Work is hard. I cried in my boss' office yesterday morning. It was mortifying and I don't really want to talk about it. Sometimes, I'm not sure that I'm the greatest fit here. I know that I'm smart and capable and I'm good at my job. But I'm really overwhelmed with every aspect of my life right now and coming in every day and having more things added to my work to-do list is starting to really get to me. Sometimes I think that people here (not my boss who is awesome but other people) forget that I am part-time and that I'm only supposed to be spending a very small portion of my time on collection development. I fully plan on addressing it at the next work flows meeting. Make me full time and pay me more or accept that you're going to have to wait for certain things to get done.

Exercise is hard. Things that are good for you are hard. Z, Winnie and I have a girl's trip in the ATL mid-April (cannot. wait.) and we collectively decided that signing up for a 5k while we were there would be a good idea. It's exactly enough time to finish Couch to 5k. So, I completed day 1 yesterday. Running outside is nothing like running on a treadmill. And I fucking loathe dieting. I don't have that much "weight" to lose, in fact, I'd be fine if I lost none and just toned up... so the amount of calories I'd have to eat in order to make a difference is pretty much the minimum I can eat before I starve. I'm a fairly healthy person to begin with, I mean- I like my donuts and all- but I believe in moderation and eating whole foods and trying to focus on drinking more water and eating more vegetables. I won't even bother telling you about my short foray into weight watchers.

Searching for a new job/additional job is hard. My assistantship ends in May when I graduate. And the debate over work-life-moving is semi-constant in my brain. Do I get another something part time? Do we move? At what point (price wise and other wise) is moving for a job worth it? When is it not? How long do we wait before we make that call? Do we really want to move out of Orlando before the wedding? We just had the damn house painted.

Amidst all the complaints, there are good things. J and I have both been cooking more. We are credit card debt free. We should be getting our first CSA bundle soon. The wedding planning is going pretty well- I found a dress for our engagement photos and some quite probable wedding shoes from BHLDN... and I ordered out cupcake toppers from Etsy. I read the first two books of The Hunger Games trilogy and I'm really enjoying them. Up next: finally reading The Chronicles of Narnia. Light reads before I can full indulge in summer beach reading. This fall's material was pretty heavy. Teddi was here last week-end! We shopped and ate and picked out a bridesmaid dress and ate some more. It was really great to have her here, shopping was glorious, and the meals were way beyond my diet but totally worth it.

Also, I finally got fitted for a bra for the first time since I gained weight. I cannot encourage you enough to do this. I've been wearing the same size since I hit puberty- 32 A. When I gained weight, I bumped it up to a 34 A. The girl measured me, said, "Well, you're about a 34 B, but I bet a 32 C would fit you the best." I laughed, took the bra, fully expected it to be too big and guess what? I am a 32 C. She handed me a little card with my size and everything- I think I might have it fucking framed. I really thought I'd have to get knocked up before I ventured into C territory. It's sort of changed my outlook- like, I might be pudgy but at least I am pudgy with C cups, you know?

I'm just so ready for the next two months to move by. I want life to return to normalcy, yes, in that I'd like us both to be healthy. But, I'm also so ready to be done with school and feel like I actually have time for things. Our lifestyle has made small changes and now I'm so beyond ready for some bigger ones.

I got out of bed today, swear to God I couldn't see my face

2011-02-07T09:42:00.023-05:00

(Wintersleep)

After the stitches debacle? I got strep throat for the first time since 3rd grade. Today is my first day back at work, I have a literal pile of papers on my desk to sort through (not to mention the two carts of books that need cataloging), two classes tonight, homework, and a dear friend coming into town this week-end. So this is what I have to offer.

New music (to my iPod) for 2011:
- Wintersleep: "Weighty Ghost"
- Iron and Wine: "Each Coming Night"
- Rolling Stones: "Gimme Shelter" (My favorite Stones tune.)
- Rise Against: "Audience of One" (Proof that sometimes I do hear things on the radio I like. The singer's voice reminds me of Samiam.)
- The Hives: "Hate to Say I Told You So"
- Cage the Elephant: "Shake Me Down" and "Back Against the Wall" and "In One Ear" (So far, I like everything from this band. So far.)
- Archie Bronson Outfit: "Dart for My Sweetheart" (Watched too much UK Skins when I was sick.)
- Mike Posner: "Cooler Than Me" (Caught this video for this during an insomnia episode a few weeks ago and couldn't get it out of my head.)
- Mountain: "Mississippi Queen" (Because I am literally pining away for summer.)
- Stone Sour: "Say You'll Haunt Me"

Also. Due to the stitches and strep, I didn't accomplish a single one of my January goals- not even the eating of kale. So.

February Goals:

- Walk Sam everyday.
- Take a walk during lunch everyday.
- Try Kale.
- Make more smoothies.
~~- Break the dessert habit.~~ Michael Pollan claims that I should eat dessert everyday, so who am I to argue?

you got me sugar sugar sugar all your lovin

2011-01-24T09:50:00.001-05:00

(LL Cool J)

So, I'm easing back into life. I had a last minute preventative surgery last week. I'm fine. But I have two inches of stitches in my back and I've been bored out of my mind and it's making me epically grumpy. I'm just so not inspired right now. It doesn't help that I intensely dislike this time of year to begin with. I put up with the cold weather bullshit in the spirit of the holidays and all, but come January 2nd and I am craving summer. Spring is full of pleasantries, to be sure- new beginnings and both mine and J's Birthdays are in March and trips and such. But really. The rain. The random cold. The lack of national holidays that relate to time off work. Where are my long days and warm breezes and sandals?

Part of my New Year's Resolutions (which I will share with you all... someday...) is making my goals more achievable. I read somewhere that setting small goals and giving yourself a month to turn them into habits that build toward larger goals actually helps you achieve your larger goals. Or something. So. This month we joined a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture. It's like a farm share. I've been waiting forever for Orlando to get one.) so more fruits and veggies, yay! And also...

Goals for January:
- Walk Sam everyday.
- Take a walk during lunch everyday.
- Try Kale.
- Make more smoothies.
- Break the dessert habit.

Yup, in the spirit of being adventurous, I am trying kale. Coming from the girl who spent four days watching Netflix and trying not to bend over and thus bust her stitches, it is quite adventurous indeed.

back in the U.S.S.R. you don't know how lucky you are boy

2011-01-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

(The Beatles)

One big confession, my first of 2011. I'm turning 27 in two months. Not the confession. The confession is that the older I get, the more my rebellions have contracted. I no longer kiss strangers or drive too fast in the middle of the night or even fully express my road rage. I don't eat cookies for breakfast. I avoid getting into political debates on Facebook and Twitter. I bite my tongue. I try to be graceful about constantly being exposed to other people's bullshit.

In the parking garage yesterday, I accidentally cut someone off. She was not happy about it. She raised her eyebrows and totally mouthed something at me. And I... I stuck my tongue out at her. Because I am all of five years old, apparently. It was... pathetic, really. But it was also probably the most responsible response I could have mustered. I'm sure my uber-Christian workplace wouldn't appreciate me giving the finger to a co-worker.

Responsible. But unsatisfying, to be sure. So I have my tiny rebellions. I paint my toenails neon purple and wear sandals to work. I sign petitions. I listen to my music too loudly. In short, I have reverted to being 16. It doesn't really sit well with me all the time. I'm a fighter by nature and sometimes, even though I know it's best not to, not fighting or speaking up or giving that lady the finger... makes me feel like a hypocrite or a failure or that I've sold out to the man.

But you know... grace or patience or some other virtue that I'm trying to possess.

The years now past without a trace, it's something that I'm learning to embrace

2011-01-07T22:30:00.001-05:00

(City and Colour)

A brand new year. The year we get married. In some ways, this break the past few weeks was exactly what I needed. I feel like it gave me some much needed clarity. I feel like it also made me realize that I really need to take a step back and re-evaluate some things. 2009 was a year in rewind. I feel like I spent a good portion of the year just trying to keep my head above water and figure out the next step. 2010 was the polar opposite. A year in fast-forward. A year of so many good things but mostly too much of everything. It went by in a blink.

So 2011. I just want to press play. I don't want to rush, I don't want to be over committed, over programmed. I want to sleep in on Sundays, I want to practice yoga, I want to take photography classes, I want to learn to be a better cook. I want to do all this on top of getting married (and planning the wedding) and finishing my last semester and graduating and finding a new job. I want to keep blogging. But most of all, I want to find that balance between pushing myself and feeling guilty and being tired all the time and regressing. I want to give myself the space to grow.

Lately, I've been feeling defensive. I feel like I have to justify my decisions a lot. Not because anyone is attacking me, but because I have so many wonderful friends, that I'm ridiculously proud of and that I feel incredibly lucky to know, but who live lives that I never could. I keep saying that I'm just not that ambitious when it comes to my career because I don't have these big goals that everyone else seems to and I keep justifying or apologizing for it. The truth is that there are things that I would love to do. I would love to work for the National Archives. I would love to work for a special collections. I would love to be the head of Collection Development somewhere.

The truth is that I am really scared of not being able to find something full-time and in my field and also worthwhile anywhere. The truth is that I think that with the economy the way it is and the field of librarianship the way it is right now, that I will be lucky to land wherever I land. And so I don't want to get too married to the idea of doing any one thing in any one place because my chances of being disappointed are pretty high. The truth is that I could make every sacrifice that I'm supposed to make and do everything right and still not get that dream job.

And the truth is that the dream job is just not that important to me. I love what I do everyday. I feel like it's important and worthwhile and I like that there is tangible evidence that what I do makes a difference. I feel appreciated... and the thing is, I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that I am smart and I am capable and I am confident that if I work hard it will pay off in the end. There are things that I would like to do a little bit more than others, but at the end of the day, as long as I'm not working circulation at a public library- I'll be ok.

The truth is also that I value my personal life more than my work life. And I worry that by simply stating this it comes off as a criticism of someone elses' choices. (This is also something that is seriously stressing me out in regards to my wedding- that in justifying my own choices I sound like I am criticizing someone else's.) I'm not. I'm truly not judging or criticizing anyone for their choice on where to live or what to do or how many hours to work. I just know what does and doesn't make ME happy. And I'm a firm believer in people doing whatever they have to do to make themselves happy.

I keep saying this phrase over and over again. "I'm just not that ambitious." And the more I say it, the more I hate myself for saying it. I am ambitious in the sense that I know what I want and I'm willing to make the sacrifices that I need to make to get there. I want a job that I enjoy, that I feel helps someone, that doesn't make me want to kill something at the end of every day, and that allows me the freedom to have the personal life that I want. I want to have the best personal relationships possible. And I want to be happy with myself.

There are people I know that can do it all. There are people that can work 60 hours a week and go to the gym and have wonderful relationships and that are fantastic friends. And the truth, friends, is that I am not one of them. In order to function and have any shred of patience and not completely stress myself out to the point of daily panic attacks, I need tons of support and tons of time and the least amount of stress possible.

So this year, the year of so many life changes, I am doing just that. I finally feel like I am recognizing how far I have come and how much further I have to go. And instead of feeling panicked over the change, the uncertainty... I am trying to see it as an opportunity to grow a little stronger.

remind me that we'll always have each other, when everything else is gone

2010-12-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Incubus)

Oy, you guys. I think the past few months are finally catching up to me. It seems like the more time I'm supposed to have free, the more and more I just want to sleep. I can't ever remember being this tired before. I came home from work yesterday, sat down on the couch, and around 6:30 turned to J and said, "I'm totally ready for bed already." Eek. So not normal. And for the past week, I've been averaging between 8-12 hours a night. Besides kind of having a cold though, I feel fine. Just unbelievably tired.

And sleeping so much? It sort of makes me feel blue. Not really depressed, just kind of mopey. It doesn't help that I totally loathe winter. Even in Florida. I love fall, but once the thermostat shows that it's below 60 outside, I'm already ready for summer again. And I know it's Christmas, and there are lots of people here, and lights, and music, and presents and that's all quite lovely and all.

I just feel like there are so many things that I need to do still and it just never stops. And the basics- going to work, buying groceries, going to the gym... are just totally draining me right now.

Needless to say, the tired and the blues don't make for the best blog fodder. I have my New Year's Resolutions and if I look back at 2010, I can honestly say it was such a better year than the one before or even the one before that. I'm totally looking forward to 2011 (holy crap, 2011) and I have so so much that I want to say... there is wedding planning, friends that won't grow the eff up, a new job search starting in March (I am finally joining the real world in May and I need something full time), trips and visits and some new features that I want to do and really, life life life.

But, first, I really need to learn when to say when. And I need a nap. Today is my last day of work until the 3rd and I am going to thoroughly enjoy my days off. I don't know when I'll be back. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it might not be until the week after that. Let's just hope that whenever it is, I come back feeling rested and refreshed and ready.

every song we played looser than the last

2010-12-14T12:30:00.004-05:00

(Local H)

It's a ramble today, folks. Fair warning.

I heard this song on the radio on my way into work this morning. Gah, I love Local H. It drives me crazy that everyone, even people on the radio, mis-state that "Bound for the Floor" is titled "Copacetic" but besides that I'm always happy to hear them getting some airtime. They've been around forever and their music always sounds just like them. It's comforting in a way... sometimes I think bands try too hard to reinvent the wheel.

I'm having a good day. It's freezing outside, but it's sunny. I was having a melancholy moment yesterday. Only child Christmas cold weather short daylight too many layers syndrome. Most of the time, I just don't really process that Z is in DC or that Teddi is in NY or that Winnie is in Atlanta or whatever. I mean, I know it... but I don't think about it. And then sometimes, it just really hits hard. I love my friends here in Orlando and I'm lucky that I'm still close with my best friends despite the distance. But, sometimes, I just really want the people I love to all be here, within arm's reach, for pedicures, and sushi, and chick flicks, and in person talks.

Talking to Z and Teddi and Mel last night really helped. And I kicked my own ass at the gym last night and I'm having a responsible adult week which means that I've cooked and the house is mostly clean and I'm being semi-productive. And I sat and played video games (Monkey Island. LucasArts is re-releasing a bunch of games that J and I both played as kids. Amazing.) with my fiance, and cuddled my dog, and sat bundled up in front of the Christmas tree and got over the feeling sorry for myself.

I need something new to read... Last night, I ended up re-reading part of How to Kill a Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartalo. I was reading this book when I was in the midst of things with B. I had forgotten a lot of the plot of it, but reading parts... pages I had dog-eared... it reminded me so much of who I was then, what I thought about love and life. How so much can change and yet so much can stay the same. Parts of the book still really resonate with me. That connection you have with someone who feels things the same way you do, the music (they actually quote "Just Like Heaven" in one of the chapters), the way it feels like the universe is just clicking everything into place.

DeBartolo does this great job of portraying all those feelings... desire, falling in love- that heady, drowning, drunk sort of near-delirium addiction that can come with the first stages, and all the pain and regret and confusion that comes when you're dealing with the shit part of it. But, then, a lot of the plot... I was really annoyed. With these stupid characters who can't just grow the fuck up and communicate with each other long enough to work their bullshit problems out. (Which isn't to say that real life relationships aren't messy and complicated. And I don't want to give the book away but, really... forcing the love of your life to break up with you by letting him catch you kiss someone that you don't love because he won't go on tour without you and you're terrified of flying and you don't want to ruin his career... blah fucking blah.)

I guess that this is growing up. ("It's alright, to tell me, what you think, about me...") What a difference time and circumstance and a little perspective make, huh? I still AM that girl. I still feel all those things. But the way I think about them all, about it all, is so different now.

The past two years have been fast, but really I think about the last four or so... and it just blows my mind. They say that time speeds up the older you get. Obviously, the getting married is a big step... but then people ask you about babies and you say, 29ish? Which is in TWO years. And you think, holy crap. And then... well. Two years. I could be, probably will be, in a wholly different world by then. Change is the only constant. Life throws things at us that we can't possibly predict or prevent, but you know... some of the best things in life have been complete surprises...

Soldiering on. I'm tired, but then, I'm pretty much always tired. Work is going well... The first few weeks were a little rough, but everyone seems to have warmed up to me. I like my work, I like my boss, I like having my own space. It's good resume experience. Plus, President's Brunch at work this morning. I'll say this for my current job, they certainly feed us more often than just about anywhere else I've been.

School is finally over for at least three weeks. ~~So far, I have two A's and I'm waiting on the final grade for my last class, but I'm hopeful that one will be an A as well.~~ Straight A's this semester. One. More. Semester. I can't wait to be done in May... I've loved my program and all but, I'm so ready to be done with this chapter. Working full time and going to school full time... it's a challenge.

Besides all that... life is good. Wedding planning is going... I should really write a whole post of an update about that soon. J and I got our Christmas tree up and it smells better than any tree I can remember having. I have from the 23rd to the 2nd off of work since the library is closed. My best friend will be in town. I have Christmas cards to write and gifts to buy and wrap... but, you know, I got those damn library books back to the library so, there's that. Besides blowing out my power strip at work this morning, trying to run my space heater and print something at the same time, all systems are go.

I just wish I had time for a smallish nap. And after re-reading this post, I sort of feel like my brain is a little short-circuited. Oh well. Keeping it real, I suppose.

light strikes a deal with each coming night...

2010-12-09T06:13:00.026-05:00

(Iron and Wine)

We're so quick to see our faults rather than our strengths, aren't we? We being us, the human race, in general. We're quick to see them in others too, quick to judge, quick to blame. It's much harder, much less accepted, being an optimist rather than a pessimist. But, at the end of the day, I think that most of us really want to see the good, the beautiful, the kind or the generous. I think that hope is what makes us human. And at the end of the day, even though it would be easy to see all the tiny little ways that people suck sometimes, I feel like I'm constantly shown how wonderful they can be instead.

Maybe it's the whole bridal wedding love bliss, or the holiday goodwill towards man, or just the fact that I feel so lucky and loved... But this eternal pessimist is making a solid effort to change her stripes. And seeing the good in other people means trying to see it in myself, too.

I spend so much time being unhappy with my body. Wanting to change it, trying to figure out how. Which calorie can I cut or which magical exercise can I do to make my waist slimmer or my arms less jiggly or my butt the size it used to be? I slip up and I beat myself up about it. I'm sick and I feel guilty for missing work. I haven't sent out my Christmas cards yet and I have library books that are two weeks overdue and a paper due on Thursday that I haven't started yet and I see all of these things as signs of how I am failing or falling apart or just not measuring up. When, really, they are just things. Just circumstances. None of which are really lethal.

What's harder for me is to acknowledge when I'm doing something right. Partially, I think that it's due to us being conditioned, from birth, to downplay our own strengths or achievements. It's not nice to brag or to boast. I also hesitate to say how far I've come because it seems like I'm testing the universe or something. Like, hey, look I have my shit somewhat together... shouldn't you come knock me down again?

I think the biggest changes are just time and outlook. I've tried really hard to change my own behavior. A year ago, I was so unhappy with the realization that getting everything you want doesn't make you happy. That happiness isn't this place that you just arrive at and have a party in forever. That it's something that really is found in the individual moments. And that these are only really possible when life is good. That a bad day does not a bad life make. I no longer feel like the world is crashing down around my ears every three days. I'm able more often now to let the bad moment be a bad moment and move on. And that is epic progress.

This is largely due to J, but I no longer feel like everyone is going to leave me if I'm not perfect. My relationship with J has made my friendships better. And also largely due to J is this feeling of a bigger picture. Like all this work is for something. That I deserve this whole being happy thing because I do try really hard and I really have grown a lot.

It's not something that's easy to admit and it's something that very few people in a happy relationship will tell you but, getting engaged gave me a bit of a panic attack. I adore J and I want to get married very very much. To him. But after we got engaged every disagreement became the fight of the century. Why? Because every time we fought over something incredibly stupid, I thought... Will we have this fight for the rest of our lives? Will I be 75 and still fighting about turning the fan off when you leave the room? Holy shit. What am I signing up for?

The thing that's awesome and amazing and that has made me 110% ready to do this is that I could go to him and say that. I can go to J and say, I'm feeling anxious or scared or insecure or hurt or BLANK and he gives me a space where I can be safe with that. And for my part, I think that's made me a lot less prone to freaking out about it all. Like, we have a problem, we deal with it, we move on. And we'll probably always have some sort of something we're dealing with, but I can pretty much rest assured it won't be the same thing at least.

And instead of that making me feel hopeless... it makes me feel hopeful. I don't think I'm in some magical place where I am as mature or as good or as self-aware as I will ever be, which is probably the difference between me now and me at 20. But I'm glad that I can look back on the past few years and not feel like I'm missing something anymore. I feel grateful and happy to have the experiences but I really feel like life is still just beginning. And that it's only going to get better. And I can get better too.

the fun will never end

2010-12-08T09:35:00.000-05:00

(Adventure Time. J's favorite cartoon. We always joke that our friend Jimmy totally could have written it.)

Confession.

When I am sick, it feels like the world is coming to an end. I stress, I whine, I feel incredibly sorry for myself. It's not just whiny in a "ugh, I feel SO terrible, I'm going to DIE" sort of way... it's also a "Why is this happening to meeeee????" Because being sick is not only never convenient, it also comes right when you've either been looking forward to something forever or you've been putting off something forever and now you have to get it done. Even though you're sick. Like the final paper for your last class of the semester. Or a cake tasting with two of your friends that you haven't seen in several weeks. Or your Mom's Preschool's Christmas Pageant. Or, you know, work. That thing that I do that gives me money to pay our bills and to buy Christmas presents. Being sick isn't just inconvenient to me right now- it also makes me feel like I'm letting everyone else down. And being a disappointment? That, friends, is my worst fear.

We're here tonight and that's enough.

2010-12-06T10:25:00.038-05:00

(Paul McCartney)

I can't believe that it's already December. I've been in survival mode the past few weeks and I was just wondering what happened to October. I have a lot of holiday catching up to do! There are cards to be written and sent (I believe there's nothing quite like a hand-written card to make you feel loved) and gifts to be bought and cookies to be baked and movies to be watched! And songs to be listened to.

My favorite Christmas songs:

- Paul McCartney- "Wonderful Christmastime". It's so quirky and delightful.

- The Beach Boys- "Little Saint Nick". Coke commericals are my favorite at Christmas time. I don't care if it's blatant consumerism- that little polar bear? Adorable. And this song sounds like Florida at Christmastime.

- Vince Guaraldi Trio- Um, absolutely anything. "Linus and Lucy" is my ring tone, but "Skating" sounds the most like Christmas to me.

- Louis Armstrong- "Christmas in New Orleans". I adore Louis Armstrong and this is one song that you don't hear in every department store during the holidays.

- Eartha Kitt- "Santa Baby". Classic, and covered way too many times, but it's not Christmas without it.

- "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". I like the Kermit the Frog version, personally, but really just about any version of this song is a good one.

- Brenda Lee- "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree". I always listen to this when I'm decorating our tree. It feels very Mad Men- Christmas on too much eggnog.

- Ramones- "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)". So fun.

- Charles Brown- "Please Come Home for Christmas". (Lots of sources say that this song is "Bells Will Be Ringing".) Blues-y and a little sad. I didn't really get the meaning of this one until I was living in DC and far away from most of my nearest and dearest during the holidays. I feel extra lucky to be celebrating our second Christmas in our little home (and our third together) with a real live extra-good-smelling tree and a small dose of sweater worthy weather.

- Gayla Peevy. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." This is so me at 8 or 9.

Can you tell I dig the quirky? What are your favorite holiday tunes?

we will be victorious

2010-12-02T10:42:00.000-05:00

(Muse)

I haven't forgotten about you, dear little blog. I have lots of stories to tell and things floating around that I'd like to talk about but... I've been in survival mode. Thanksgiving + Finals Week + traveling to Gainesville for PubMed training in a week. I promise promise I will return at some point this week-end, probably a little cranky but otherwise no worse for the wear.

Topics up for discussion? a months worth of baking, my favorite Christmas songs, a new determination towards being healthy, the merging of our families, a look back on all the movies I've seen this year, why I like my job at this time of the year, wedding music and other wedding news (I ordered my veil) and really. I just want to talk about how I feel like I've come so far this year.

But right now, I have about 50 things I have to get done.

hypodermic people poking fun at the living

2010-11-24T03:00:00.002-05:00

(At the Drive-In)

Confessions?

- I think I am the textbook definition of a nervous bride, something I never thought I'd be. I'm just so worried about having to depend on all these other people to make things happen.

- I've been trying to write a post about movies for the past two months and no matter how hard I try it keeps coming out boring.

- I love grunge, but I really loathe 99% of all of Pearl Jam's music. Just, Eddie Vedder's voice. Ugh.

- I am clumsy as fuck. I don't know when exactly this happened. You would assume a former dancer would be graceful, right? But I bump into things on a daily basis, like the corner of my desk, or the coffee table, or walls. You know those people that their hands move too slow for their brain? They can think a sentence much faster than they can type it, so it seems like their typing really sucks? My body is like that. I move too quickly and plot out how I'm getting somewhere too far in advance; it makes it hard to make last minute adjustments in my route. It makes for being a good driver, but a really shitty walker.

- Somewhere in the past few months I have learned every single lyric to Kanye West's "Flashing Lights". I don't know how or why this happened. Things like this make me think that I'd be really good at lyrics based games (there's a superbly bad one on VH1 right now with Mark McGrath as the host) but I also frequently mishear lyrics and will sing them wrong for years. See this post: Red Hot Chili Peppers and a land called harmony.

- This is my favorite wedding blog: http://hifiweddings.com/ I started a music list for the wedding before we even got engaged.

- I swear more than any of my other friends. It's to the point now that after I say something I wonder if I'm offending one of my friends and they're just not telling me.

- I'm still debating whether or not to graduate in spring or summer. As much as I'm ready to be done with school and I know I don't need the extra loan debt, I just don't feel ready to leave the security of what I know. Regardless, I talked to my Mom and I talked to J and I'm taking the plunge. Come May, I will be school-free for the first time in 21 years. Holy crap.

- I think that if I had a work-out buddy, even a virtual one, I wouldn't need my personal trainer anymore.

come and I'll take you under this beautiful bruise's color

2010-11-22T10:49:00.001-05:00

(Foo Fighters)

In the past 24 hours my stress level has increased exponentially... J got a flat tire. Pulling into our neighborhood. (Did I mention he was in a minor car accident three weeks ago? And that he got a speeding ticket on our way to Atlanta two days before that? Yup.) The cheating friend got found out and I got a slew of text messages from her now ex-boyfriend. My best friend (completely unrelated to the other friend I just mentioned) had a sister-sized monkey wrench thrown at her. My future father-in-law called and asked me extremely nicely to bring my parents for an appearance on Thanksgiving Day and I agreed. To introduce our parents. Without J. Because he'll be working (600 covers expected). And it's not just our parents, it's the entire family. Nerve wracking much? Extremely nice to be already loved and included an almost year before the wedding, but still. Nerves. And suddenly lots on my plate.

And I feel like Thanksgiving is going to be an illusion. Like, I think it'll be time off but I've already over committed myself. I have plans ~~just about~~ everyday, plus two major assignments to get done (does anyone know anything about Second Life?) and some work-work for my assistantship. Next week, I'm going to a conference in Gainesville for a day and a half, so I have a massive amount of stuff to get done before Tuesday.

I feel like I had way more to say, but I've been interrupted (blasted work) so many times that I should probably just end this here. Suffice to say... Busy? Yes. Happy? Yes. Thankful? Yesyesyes. And stressed? Yes.

hey child, please stay awhile, my smile will not mislead you

2010-11-21T14:35:00.000-05:00

(Third Eye Blind)

It could be the fact that I have a major paper that's due tonight that I haven't started writing yet, or the fact that the weather outside is grey and cool and perfect for writing, or it could just be that after a week of chasing after myself I finally feel back in control. There isn't a lot to say. I had a hormonal episode on Thursday night and completely melted down. But, it was maybe exactly what was needed? Because besides that little moment, I feel remarkably well overall.

This semester of school will be over in just two weeks and it couldn't come at a more needed time. Better than that, I can see the graduation light at the end of the tunnel. Just a little bit longer and the days of coming home after work and not doing more work are mine. Work is going well. The wedding planning is going. Family, friends, J... all are well. All is well. And yesterday, I devoted my yoga practice to being thankful. Thankful to be able to take time for myself, thankful to be mature enough to finally say so. Thankful for my life. And for realizing that for all the good things I have, bad days will still happen. And that's ok. It's taken a long time to come to that realization. That there's a difference between being content and being happy. Is it completely stupid and trite to quote One Tree Hill from last week? Happiness is a mood, not a destination.

The air outside today is pure perfection. The sky looks like it's hovering on the edge of a storm, but no rain's broken through the clouds. It's warm enough to not want a sweater, but cool enough that you're not sweating. There is the barest whisper of a breeze. Driving in the car with the windows down, in a strapless dress, is the closest thing I'm going to get to dancing in the rain today. But it is enough. For no particular reason at all, but for the air and the time to breath it, I am happy today.

'cause I'm a million miles away, would you get this letter?

2010-11-18T10:17:00.000-05:00

(At the Drive-In)

Confessions. I'm a day late, I know. It has so been that kind of week.

- I shrank every single curtain in our house this week.

- I think I might have accidentally alienated our photographers by being too candid.

- I've had the Glee version of "Teenage Dream" stuck in my head for going on three days.

- The Glee station on Last.fm brings me Demi Lovato, Ashley Tisdale, Katy Perry, The Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber. I have shuffled past 90% of the songs on here, but I'll admit to listening to some Taylor Swift earlier.

- I'm totally effing swamped. I have two major assignments due Sunday, lots of at-home work, two days of work-work, and prepping for Thanksgiving to do. I'm having one of those weeks where I can't catch up to myself and I don't really know what I'd say even if I did have time to write. Status quo prevails, but everything is swimming right along just swell and for right now, that's enough. I'm hoping that I'll be able to clear my head and post something fresh sometime next week, pre-turkey coma.

where the grass is green and the girls are pretty

2010-11-15T07:48:00.000-05:00

(Guns N' Roses)

Need an antidote to last Monday's depression fest? Some of my favorite songs to pull you out of a slump...

- Guns N' Roses- "Paradise City". It's just impossible not to cheer up when you hear this song. It also totally reminds me of that scene in Can't Hardly Wait... amazing. And the video for this? SIGH. They don't make them like that anymore.

- Kylie Minogue- "Love at First Sight". Don't judge me. This song is pretty much the best thing ever for Monday morning blues.

- Dee-Lite- "Groove is in the Heart". Everything that was awesome about the early nineties can be summed up right here. Don't play this in your car too loudly though. Not even I have the guts for that. Though if you give me a shot of SoCo, I might bust out the dance from this video for you.

- Voxtrot- "The Start of Something". This song always reminds me of Sharon, because she's the one that first introduced me to it... back in 2007 on this mix she made for me. The lyrics aren't the cheeriest, but it's such a light, pretty song.

- Tom Cochrane- "Life is a Highway". Probably the best road trip song ever made. The first time I heard this song I was in the car with my Dad. I think I was like, seven? The windows were down. We were both singing. Though Dad might deny it if you ask him. And harmonica? Who doesn't love a song with good harmonica, really? This song is guaranteed to put a smile on my face, every time.

I reach out for you and our hearts collide.

2010-11-10T08:42:00.005-05:00

(Cut Copy)

Confessions.

- I'm really cautious about watching/liking anything that's a remake. Especially of things that aren't that old. Especially when they aren't done as well as the original. Case in point? Rent the movie. On the one hand, I know I should be excited or something for great music or theatre or whatever getting new recognition. On the other, it breaks my heart to think that a whole generation might think that monstrosity is Rent in all it's glory. It's not. Or Skins? Really, MTV? So infuriating.

- I'm trying to be friends with an ex. I'm nervous for multiple reasons about it. But I feel like it's worthwhile.

- I used to be the kind of person who thought, "I have enough friends, I can't handle anymore. I don't have enough emotional energy to go around." And I'm not like that at all anymore. The more, the better. Since I've cut some toxic friends out of my life and I'm in a healthy, stable relationship I have emotional energy to share and spare. It's the actual energy part that's an issue.

- I just saw some recent pictures of myself- I had to get some taken at work for this online thing. I'm afraid that I'm developing a slight double chin. And I find that more terrifying than going up another size in pants. I've been going to the gym, but apparently I have to go even. more.

- Because I've been going to the personal trainer for two months. And I know that I would see some results if I'd starting going to the gym four or five times a week instead of two. Because I feel stronger- I can do more reps and heavier weights and longer cardio... but I'm not seeing a difference.

- On that same note, in the past two years, I've largely stopped wearing much make-up if I'm not going out. It's usually moisturizer, powder, blush and eyeliner. After seeing these pictures? I'm thinking I should probably step up my game. But I have a really hard time find foundation I love... I've tried Clinique, Smashbox, and MAC in the past few years. They're all either oily or make me look pasty... Suggestions?

- Also also. I want to do a boudoir photo shoot for a wedding present for J. But I'm sort of afraid the pictures will end up on the internet somewhere.

- The fact that my fiance is Cuban thrills me to no end, but even though he is (usually) bearded, tattooed and fluent in both Spanish and Portuguese, I feel like that sort of misrepresents who he is. Because he is the most Anglo Hispanic guy I have ever known. He speaks Spanish with an American accent. He loves Magic the Gathering, Star Wars and a band called Electric Six. And occasionally, we have conversations like the following from Monday night:

Me: I made pot roast for dinner
J: Did you make rice to go with it?
Me: No. It already has potatoes.
J: ...
Me: We never ate pot roast growing up. Is that how you're supposed to serve it?
J: Yeah, I think so.
Me: Really?
J: Honey, I don't know. You're the white one! ...But, I do want rice.

- I'm going to DC this week-end to see Z and I couldn't be more excited. Bridesmaid dresses, chick flicks, fall weather, and Ben's cheese fries. Which are worth at least an hour of cardio.

- I totally go back and revise old blog posts. I don't change content, and I try to proofread as I go, but sometimes I look back on something and think- ack! I should have used a different tense or I have "you're" instead of "your" or what-have-you. And then I change it.

- Is it wrong that I'm totally viewing our wedding as opportunity to inflict my music on everyone?

I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over

2010-11-09T05:39:00.003-05:00

(Modest Mouse)

On sex and love and rock n' roll... (Not really on the rock part, but it sounded better.) Heavy shit for a Tuesday morning. My friend is cheating on her boyfriend. Her boyfriend of several years. She doesn't want to lose him but their sex life is unfulfilling. And she loves him, but beyond that her entire life is wrapped up him. A lot of her friends are also his. So if they break up, her whole world will get really shaken up. Moral objections aside, the whole thing has me wondering...

Because another one of my friends just ended things with her boyfriend of several years (which I think is a positive long term even if it blows right now) and yet another one is dating someone who is so unbelievably wrong for her, yet again, that it's borderline laughable. And I don't mean to oversimplify here. And I don't think that relationships are simple in any way or that it's just easy to be happy if you don't over think it or whatever. Sex is important. Meeting the right person can be hard. I'm not trying to make some big grand sweeping generalizations here and I don't really know where I'm going with this.

It's just that it's all been on my mind- relationships and significant others and wondering when people when grow up and be something resembling responsible adults. J and I are great and it doesn't really have anything to do with that. Except that people always act like I'm so lucky and I wonder why? I mean, I know that I'm lucky but I also work really hard it. I just marvel that so many people end up in these situations. Obviously, sometimes no matter your best efforts, it simply isn't going to work. Sometimes it's circumstance or timing or people growing apart or something you can pinpoint and sometimes it's not. It's no one's fault, it's no one thing, it just isn't meant to be and you can't force it. A lot of the time, love alone isn't enough.

Is the difference between being in love and just loving someone as big as I think it is? Is it as obvious as I think it is? And at what point does it become totally unrealistic to think that one person can fulfill every single one of your needs? Is it movies or TV that are giving us this unrealistic view of what love is supposed to be? Is it being hung up on a time or a place or a pace that can't be sustained?

I've done both. I've dated someone that I loved but wasn't in love with and I've dated people that I've been totally crazy head over heels in love with. And that super crazy head over heels thing? It's not like the movies. In the movies, you don't throw fast food cups full of soda at your boyfriend in the parking lot of your dorm because your whole life is falling apart and he left that damn cup in your car again and you can't deal with it. In the movies, the whole depressed girl thing takes five minutes, not five months and she's not worried about all of her friends abandoning her because she can't seem to shake off her broken heart. In the movies, they don't show the day in and day out of living with someone and eating cereal for dinner because you're both too tired to cook- much less do anything else and then having a fight over kitty litter.

Because that super romantic or passionate or dramatic or whatever phase? That fades. It fades in some way for everyone, I think. Which isn't to say that you don't have those moments. You might even have those moments all the time. J kissed me this morning and my heart hit my knees. But, you live with someone and the word intimacy takes on a completely different meaning. And the movies aren't reality. But, I think that some people think it is. I think that everyone has to decide for themselves what's most important to them- be it sex or stability or passion or trust or humor or money or whatever- which isn't to say that my decisions are right for everyone. Because you can spend your whole life chasing something that isn't really realistic or sustainable.

And I'm not judging what anyone else decides they can or can't live with. I guess I'm just saying that I don't understand why I've been lucky enough to find more than one person that I've loved and could have committed myself to, were circumstances or timing or whatever different, but other people have such a hard time finding even one relationship that fulfills their needs.

I don't think there's only one person for everyone and I don't think that it's wise to rely on your partner for your every need, want, or wish. I don't think that moving on and loving someone new makes you love someone old less. I think you should try really hard not to compare old significant others to new ones because every relationship is unique. And I believe in being committed or not. Either go all in, give it your everything, or cut your losses and save both of you some time and energy.

Maybe I'm naive to think that because I've been there and I've lived it, I understand. Maybe I don't understand any of it at all. Because I know that I am lucky but I don't think it was just luck that brought me here. I know that I wouldn't be where I am or in the relationship I'm in if I hadn't gone through everything that came before. If I hadn't loved and lost and played and fought wholeheartedly. If I hadn't let go of some of my expectations and decided what I was and wasn't willing to compromise on.

I don't talk often enough about the things I love about J. The fact that he doesn't hold grudges. Or that holding on to him is the best cure for an oncoming panic attack that I've ever known. The way he is with me. Or that he sings songs with made-up lyrics depending on what we're doing. Or a whole bunch of other things that I'm not getting into right now. But are there things that I want or I need that I don't get from him? Well, yes. Like connecting over music? Like watching Glee? Or talking about musicals? Or shopping for shoes? Or venting about someone that cut me off in the parking lot of Lazy Moon? Or worrying about rain at the wedding or whether the dog is eating enough or whether or not we'll be able to conceive right away? (He's not much for worrying, another thing I love about him, but sometimes find infuriating.)

He makes me content. But he doesn't complete me. Because I don't think I should need someone else to complete me. We are better together. But we are also two separate awesome entities. He's my rock. He makes doing all this shit worth it. But I also don't think that we end or begin with each other. Because I think that making someone your entire world is unwise. It's too much pressure. On your relationship and on this other person who is only human. Who you have to let be human.

I don't know. I guess the whole point of this is just that I don't think it's fair to expect your significant other to be your whole world and then be surprised or disappointed when it's not all sunshine and rainbows and morning sex. And it's not fair to use your disappointment in a (past or present) relationship as an excuse... to half ass your current relationship or to settle for something that you know isn't going to make either one of you happy or to continue to repeat the same pattern and then expect different results.

we are the ever living ghost of what once was

2010-11-08T07:48:00.001-05:00

(Band of Horses)

Some of the saddest songs ever for your Monday morning?

- Pearl Jam, "Black". This song reminds me of JLM, but I can't remember the original reason why. I do distinctly remember it playing when we were in the midst of a break-up and him looking at me and mouthing the words, "I know you'll be the star, in somebody else's sky..." Ouch. I still can't listen to this.

- Smashing Pumpkins- "Mayonaise". Oh Billy Corgan. I love that this song is sad, but so hopeful. It reminds me a lot of the way I felt in high school. You know when you're sad and angsty but you're sort of reveling in it? Like you know you'll never have the luxury of being moody and dreaming about getting away and making everyone around you just deal with it ever again? No, just me?

- Band of Horses, "No One's Gonna Love You". I actually saw on one of my wedding blogs someone using it for their first dance. My immediate response was something along the lines of wtf? Don't people listen to the whole song and not just the chorus? I've never heard a song that captures that essence of having to let go of someone you really love quite as much as this one does. It's pretty heartbreaking, but it's so damn beautiful.

- City and Colour- "What Makes a Man?" I could listen to Dallas Green's voice forever. More than what he says, the way he says it... haunting. And gorgeous. Something about this song reminds me of fall in DC. Growing dark, dying leaves, rain. And yet, so awe-inspiring it'll take your breath away.

one baby to another said, i'm lucky to have met you

2010-11-05T12:28:00.001-04:00

(Nirvana)

It's a beautiful day in Central Florida. It's sunny and clear... somewhere around 60 degrees. I'm taking advantage of the mild coolness and wearing boots. Black flat knee boots, patterned tights, a cord mini, j.crew double layer tissue tees, and my absolute favorite sweater. It's plum colored, super cozy, hooded... and totally falling apart. J bought it for me for Christmas two years ago and I wore it for three months straight in D.C. It has pockets, but one of them is pathetic- only hanging on one side, flapping in the wind, so to speak. But I love it and it always makes me feel cozy, so I can't seem to stop wearing it. The skirt is probably a little too short for the work lunch I have to go to later on today, but whatever. It's my day off and I'm going to this welcome lunch anyway, so I will wear whatever I please.

It's non-stop errands today, but it's ok because the rest of my week-end is completely free. Right now, I'm at the library where I used to intern. I stopped in to say hello and take advantage of some free wi-fi. I have the aforementioned work-related lunch on this side of town, but it's not for another two hours. I thought it was a waste to go home in between my hair appointment and lunch, so you my little blog-readers get to hear all about my nonsense today. Lucky you. After all that, J and I get to go to our first cake tasting this afternoon. Lucky me.

I had a hair appointment this morning, which was much needed, and unexpectedly lead to me finding my make-up artist and hair stylist for my wedding. Cindy is my normal stylist and I adore her, but she isn't 110% on up-dos and didn't want me to settle for less than the best for the wedding. But she'll do my hair for the 1,001 other events I have going on leading up to it. Some parts of the wedding planning are easy and so much fun... and other parts are the opposite.

I don't understand vendors who either don't care or don't want to be in the wedding business because they can't return e-mails or phone calls in a semi-timely manner or act remotely excited about the fact that they are working on MY wedding. Yes, I know you do this shit everyday and it must get very tiresome. That doesn't mean that my wedding is any less special to me than the first one you did was to that bride, asshole. Stop acting so put out that I'm requesting information about the services you provide in your chosen profession. Also, stop acting surprised or offended that I'm interviewing other vendors or that I won't commit to you the first time you deign to e-mail me back.

I have worked with an equal number of vendors that have been awesome, friendly, low-pressure, excited what have you... don't get me wrong. And I always inevitably choose to work with them. I'm just continually astonished by the number of people who have gotten into this business, advertise their services, and then give the impression that they would much rather be doing something other than help you.

This month we're working on catering, bakeries, and florists. The catering part is ok and when we finally make a decision, I'll talk about it. Until then, there's no point because the schematics are too complicated. Partially because there are only seats for 98 at our venue and we have a guest list (A-List) of 144. Fun times. More on that when we find our happy medium between venue lay-out, action stations, and guest list.

After days of contacting florists and bakers, I have a scant few appointments and mostly a lot of frustration. Partially because I don't give a flying fuck what the cake looks like. I don't care of it's cake or cupcakes. I want it to taste good and be fondant free. I like simple designs and buttercream. It's not rocket science. I would also like to not pay $10 a slice for cake that costs you .50 cents to bake. Yes, I know time and artistry and delivery and all that. And if it's important to you, by all means pay however much you want for the cake you want. (I certainly paid a lot more for our photographer than I'd like to share.) But it's not that important to me, beyond having one that I or my fiance doesn't have to bake and worry about getting to the venue, and I don't want to pay more than I'm willing to pay for it.

So, I'm going into this cake tasting this afternoon with the mindset that I'm excited to simply be able to have the experience with J. We randomly have a day off at the same time and get to go together. I've been lucky that he's been so involved in this whole process. So this afternoon, I'm looking forward to doing this for the first time together. The little details coming together are what's making this thing so real.

Florists are another deal altogether. I know they can't all be stereotypical prima donnas, but really some of the e-mails I've gotten back... I wasn't even going to have a florist, because what I want is really simple. But I don't trust myself to do the bouquets and I thought I'd like to leave the room for disaster a little smaller and just let a pro deal with it. I know there has to be someone out there that gets my vision because I've seen plenty of posts on blogs with simple blooms in mason jars, but I worry because every time I talk to one or look at a website, all I see are these very ornate (albeit gorgeous) pieces and that's just not what I want for us. I am 90% positive that I want my bouquet to be red dahlias. I have a few appointments set up, so I'm trying to be hopeful.

I know I have 11 months until the wedding. I know I have plenty of time and I don't have to make a decision right now. To which I say, do you have any clue how much other stuff has to be done, decided, implemented, etc. between now and then? I'd also like to not doing anything wedding related between Thanksgiving and New Year's, which means that these three things- florist, bakery, caterer- needs to be decided and booked as soon as humanly possible. I don't expect everything to be perfect, I don't. I just want it to go as smoothly as possible so I can enjoy the time as much as possible. And if people would just do what I want, it would be beautiful, dammit! ;)

Ahem. Anyway. Even though I have felt insanely busy lately, life seems to have found it's balance. Work is going much better. We have a new head of Collection Development and I really like her and my boss is back and he's made it clear that he thinks I'm doing a good job. I'm learning a lot. And I keep hearing how nice this will all look on my resume. School is also going just fine- it's just the end of the semester and I'm ready for a break. I've been able to see a lot of my friends lately and I feel so lucky that I have them. Some old, some new, some near, some much too far. But it's the first time in my life that I feel really secure in my friendships. And it's been amazing. Being engaged makes you think so much about your life in the long term. Where will we be in five, ten, twenty, fifty years? I'm overwhelmed that I have so many people that I can rely on, that are so happy for me, that I want to be a part of my life always.

I've been trying to wake up and think about all the things I'm thankful for everyday- as opposed to my normal routine of waking up and fighting feeling overwhelmed or stressed or already thinking about my to-do list. Besides the usual: friends, family, J, house, pets, life, freedom, whathaveyou... Tata, J's sister, sent me pictures of the babies in their Halloween costumes. A lady bug and a bumble bee. I can't help but wonder when we'll have a little ladybug to take trick or treating with her cousins. And I am thankful for that. And also thankful that we are not quite there yet. I'm thankful to have time to wish and wait.

And I'm thankful for a little perspective. Talking to Tina and to JLM the other night, I realized how far I've come. I am glad that some things have stayed the same. But I'm also glad that I'm not nearly as selfish as I used to be, that I think before I speak more, that I am a little less impulsive and a little more responsible. I'm glad that I've learned how to love someone without thinking that it will make me love anyone else less. And I'm glad that I'm learning to love people for who they are instead of who I want them to be.

I just keeping wanting to fast forward a year and then at the same time, I keep wanting to pause and take it all in. I spent so much of last year feeling old and used up. And I'm over that. I'm often frustrated and tired and thinking about things I want to change. But, I'm also so so happy to be where I'm at, doing what I'm doing, with the people I'm with. It's a good place to be.

We occupy the same cage, that's all.

2010-11-04T09:59:00.002-04:00

(Cat on a Hot Tin Roof)

Confessions....

- I was almost a theatre major. I was super involved in dance and theatre all through high school, had a terrible experience with my drama teacher senior year, realized it was stressing me out more than I loved it and quit. And I don't really have any regrets about that. Acting wasn't the kind of lifestyle I would have been happy with. But, I was bitter about it for a long time and it's only been in the past year or so that I've been able to love it wholeheartedly again.

- I never had any illusions about being a professional dancer and my teacher was amazing, so I focused on that my senior year. I was an OK dancer (and I still really miss it), but I was actually really good at acting. I still am, actually. I have to watch my delivery on my jokes sometimes, because I can deadpan like nobodies business and even my friends don't know I'm actually just joking.

- I adore musical theatre and all, but I really love plays. Tennessee Williams, Henrik Ibsen, Arthur Miller, John Osborne, Bertolt Brecht. But, really, Tennessee Williams. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Changed my whole world.

- I once took an entire class on Oscar Wilde, whose plays I pretty much loathe, because I had a totally embarrassing crush on a professor. In my defense, his lectures were amazing, he gave me excellent feedback on my papers even when I totally embarrassed myself during his office hours (I'm a nervous rambler especially in front of male authority figures) and he wrote me a letter of recommendation for grad school. And the class was excellent- I might not like "The Importance of Being Earnest" any better, but I now love a lot of his other work. See: Salome. Brilliant.

- I like the English spellings of certain words better. Grey. Colour. Theatre. I think the American version just makes us look dumber.

- Same goes for our lack of use of the metric system. (Have you ever heard that song, by Atom and His Package- "Lord, It's Hard to be Happy When You're Not Using the Metric System"? JLM and I listened to it throughout high school, even went to see him freshman year. Hilarious.)

- I suck at estimating measurements of any kind. Ounces, cups, miles, minutes... I have no freaking clue how far away it is, how much time has passed, or how much butter should go in the cookies.

- Last night, I told J that I still wasn't over some guy flicking us off in the Lazy Moon parking lot the day before. He laughed. Hard. And then told me I needed to lighten up.

- Because clearly, I can nurse a grudge. For years. Funny though, the second someone sincerely apologizes or tries to make amends, I usually forgive them instantly. Usually...

- I'm thinking about writing a nice long post about my experience with sorority life. Why? Because even though it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, I had a mostly positive experience with it. And I feel like the only people that talk about it are those that either didn't and complain (and are maybe a little bitter?) and those that want to gloss the whole thing over. I'm not into airing (all) my dirty laundry and I don't think it's fair to give a one-sided view of an entire organization, but several years out there are some things I'd like to say about how it helped to shape me into who I am now.

- I feel guilty for bitching last week- the work situation is much improved. My boss just told me that the person who sent me the note about bar codes can be very dry and I quipped, "yeah, I didn't get my Master's degree in bar code placement". He laughed and told me I'm doing a great job. It was much needed.

- This ended up being much longer than I intended.

you find me sittin by myself, no excuses that I know

2010-11-01T07:39:00.015-04:00

(Alice in Chains)

The nights where I can't settle down are fewer and far between, but there are still times when nothing is as calming as driving alone with no particular destination, in the middle of a bunch of strangers rushing off to who cares where.

Restless? My playlist for my drive the other night.

Band of Horses- "No One's Gonna Love You"
City and Colour- "What Makes a Man?"
Band of Horses- "The Funeral"
Death Cab for Cutie- "Title Track"
Smashing Pumpkins- "Mayonaise"
A Perfect Circle- "The Noose"
Deftones- "You've Seen the Butcher"
The Strokes- "What Ever Happened?"
Kings of Leon- "Sex on Fire"
Alice in Chains- "No Excuses"
The XX- "Crystalised"
Joy Division- "Love Will Tear Us Apart"
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- "Love Burns"
Audioslave- "Out of Exile"
Say Anything- "Alive With the Glory of Love"
Foo Fighters- "M.I.A"

don't wanna take it slow, wanna take you home

2010-10-28T09:10:00.002-04:00

and watch the world explode, from underneath your clothes

(Deftones)

Oh my god, you guys, this album is just so good. It gets better and better and better. There's this click inside when I fall in love with a song and every few weeks another song on Diamond Eyes just moves me. I have to keep writing about it because all summer long and now well into the fall, I keep turning around and finding myself listening to another track repeatedly. It started with "Sextape", then "976-Evil", then "Risk". Last week it was "Diamond Eyes". This week it's "You've Seen the Butcher". If I had to say the difference between this album and all the other Deftones' albums, it would be that this takes the best of all of them. The ethereal beauty of White Pony, the lushness on Saturday Night Wrist, the hard riffs and jagged edges from Around the Fur. The things that make Deftones so unique, so contrary... the way that it can sound soft and yet dangerous at the same time... this album is all that and more. And I have to keep writing about it because for the first time, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it.

The one thing that bothers me more than anything else in my relationship with J is not being able to share this with him. It's not that he doesn't like music or that he doesn't care, but it's just not what moves him. And this is the first time that I've been with someone who doesn't connect music with the same emotion or the same needs that I do. In some ways, it's really a positive thing. In the past, I've confused emotions with music with emotions for someone who loves the same music. Thought that we had more in common than we did, or more of a connection than we did. Thought that someone who felt so passionate about the same piece of music would feel that way about me. J feels that passion, but for other things. Like, me. For example.

And I get that. How does your favorite music make you feel? Happy, moved, connected? When I hear something I really, truly love it feels like someone has reached into the space between my ribs and grabbed hold. I close my eyes and lean my head back. I'm hyper-aware of my fingertips, the arch in my back, the breath in my lungs. I could jump out of a plane and not feel more alive than I do when I hear Chino's voice or the opening drums on "The Hollow" and that guitar riff on "Big Empty"? It's indescribable. And it's incredibly intimate and personal. Talking about music with someone makes me feel vulnerable... and it's like religion or politics, it's not something I'd do with just anybody.

So, if it's a comic book or going to church or your career or a book or photography or whatever it is that does that for you, I get it. But listening to this album has made me change my mind. I would sell a kidney to go see Deftones live again. To be with other people that love them. Because while I would totally rather J love me more than some silly little song, I do miss being able to gush with somebody over it, to sing in the car together or to be at a show, surrounded by that energy, totally swept up in the moment.

when things start splitting at the seams, and now... the whole thing's tumbling down

2010-10-27T20:35:00.002-04:00

(Band of Horses)

I wrote this a few days ago and apparently never posted it.

I am actually up at 5:15 this morning. J had the early shift at work and I couldn't go back to sleep. I find it really hard to sleep without him now. I've watched too much "Law and Order". So, I went ahead and got up, thinking that I could have a not completely hectic morning. But, of course, when you get up early, you get involved in 50 things at once and then you end up not starting your regular morning stuff until later than normal.

Also, it's only Tuesday and I've already found this week really stressful. My direct supervisor is gone for a week long trip. I came in yesterday and found out that I've been writing down call numbers on the title pages of books incorrectly AND that I haven't been formatting cutter numbers without an author properly. I mean, I have been doing it "properly" but every library sort of does it a little differently and apparently, I misunderstood what was wanted. So, I had to go gather up all of the books I've done (200+ titles), check them for mistakes, and fix them. Totally mortifying.

Oh! And they told me last week that I can't have more than 30 hours a week or they have to reclassify me as full time, and the library isn't authorized for another full time employee... so a. I have no idea if this collections management business will be a permanent addition to my job or not, b. I have no idea if they are suggesting that I can take over a 16 hour position and do it in just 6 hours a week, and c. that makes it pretty apparent that when I need a full time job I have to look elsewhere, huh? I feel really bad complaining about this because I know that I'm so lucky to have found a part-time paid position in my field when I'm still in school and they are willing to teach me, which is really nice- they're even paying for me to go to this conference in December.

And most of the time, when I'm actually here, at my desk, working, I'm fine. It's just a very different environment from what I'm used to and I'm already tired of it being made so apparent that I'm not only the new kid on the block, but also the lowest man on the totem pole. This note: "Barcodes: Can they be placed approximately the same please?" Is sort of my point.

In general though? Life is good. I can't believe it's already the end of October. Particularly because the high here today is 91. It's supposed to "cool off" towards the end of the week, meaning highs of 80 and 81. I'm heading to DC in two weeks to spend some quality time with Z and I am really looking forward to wearing a scarf outside. Since the only place I've been wearing one lately is in my office. (Yes, seriously.) Fall has been epically busy. Between school, work, other work, wedding planning, traveling, and being quite the social butterfly... I have been totally swamped. Which is probably why I went to bed at 9:30 last night. Still, I have a few things planned before October slips away this week-end: Disney on Friday, a trip home on Saturday to belatedly celebrate my Mom's Birthday, and then a Haunted Swamp tour on Saturday night. Sunday is going to be full of homework. Hopefully I'll be able to sneak a long walk with Sam in there...

I can't believe November is almost here!

You think that I could muster up a little soft shoe gentle sway

2010-10-27T12:37:00.013-04:00

(Scissor Sisters)

Confessions.

- Lots of nights, the last thing I say to my fiance is... "Love you but... don't want to cuddle." I'm a super light sleeper and the temp has to be right and the pillows and lots of white noise going on for me to fall asleep, which means that cuddling is nice- when we're watching TV, but totally distracting when I'm trying to drift off.

- As a kid, I'd only drink soda from a can if it was room temperature.

- My biggest fear about the wedding is that no one will dance.

- I've loved my program, but I am really ready for school to be over. This whole working all day and then going home and sitting in class for two hours thing blows.

- But I still haven't completely decided if I'm graduating in May or August.

- This is my first Halloween without buying any candy.

- And that sort of makes me long for a ba-beh so I can dress it up like a ladybug and buy a whole bag of candy it's too small to eat. I guess if one of my friends has one first I can still use that as an excuse for candy...

I've been waiting so long, to be where I'm going

2010-10-24T12:02:00.001-04:00

(Cream)

I have moments where I feel like we can't possibly be adults. The responsibility and the pressure is just too much. I want someone to hold my hand and pay my electric bill. And then, I think about J. And I just feel so relieved. Like, I can do this if I know that you're next to me. And then I balance our checkbook and I'm like, awesome, sometimes we are doing better than I think we are.

So, kids, I have a wedding dress! I can't tell you what it looks like because the fiance does pop over here occasionally and it's not physically in my possession yet but, it has been ordered and I really love it! It's actually not what I originally thought I wanted, but it's very "me" and had several elements that I already knew I liked. And that's all I can really say about that. Except that I am so happy! Both to have the dress I love and to be done searching!

I ordered it from Bridals by Lori on our trip to Atlanta last week-end. Wonderful, awesome trip. We stayed with Winnie and her husband (also a J) and they are just the best hosts. Friday night, we had dinner at Woodfire Grill, Kevin Gillespie's restaurant. If you watched Top Chef last year, you'll know who I'm talking about- the bearded one. The food was good enough, but we did the tasting menu which had a paltry amount of food (And I'm not one of those American eat everything on my plate please give me enough food for a family of four type people. And I know what a tasting menu sized portion normally is. This was still small.) and the courses were timed really slowly. I know they were slammed, but having 30 minutes between tasting menu courses just makes you extra hungry. I ate my dessert and J's and still felt unsatisfied. But, much champagne was consumed, so you know. It was a good night.

Winnie and I braved Bridals by Lori the next day to try to find the dress. I was really nervous before we went, for a lot of reasons. Dress shopping thus far had obviously not gone as well as I'd have hoped. I was nervous because Bridals by Lori is such a big store, with so many brides, and the reviews about it were decidedly mixed. Although the sales person that was assigned to me was sick and not there, and I had to be shuffled to someone else, I ended up quite happy with the whole experience. Winnie was fantastic and supportive and level-headed throughout the whole day, Bridals by Lori had an excellent selection of dresses, I didn't feel pressured, they tried really hard to be aware of my budget, I loved the dress I decided on- which was less expensive than the one I ordered to try on, and they had a web cam on the runway so my Mom could even see me.

All in all, it was the first time that I was able to relax and have fun with dress shopping. I also felt like the decision was totally mine and while Winnie was excited for me and told me how pretty everything was, she didn't get over emotional and that made me able to focus and be clear-headed about the whole process and the decision. Which, once I decided, I got totally giddy and didn't want to take the dress off. Totally happy with my experience. Although, some champagne to celebrate would have been a nice addition. The dress gets in sometime in March, so I'll head back up to Atlanta then for my first fitting- I think Z might come and we'll make a week-end of it. And then I'm going to bring my Mom up there with me for my final fitting.

The Js were at the movies seeing "Jackass" while we were dress shopping, so we all met up for some lunch after. That night, J and I met up with one of his friends from High School and her boyfriend for dinner at Bistro Nico. More food, more champagne, lots of fun. I ended up calling it a night a little early since I was fighting off a cold, but otherwise I think we could have talked all night. His friend, A, is actually friends with my friend KT from my internship, which just goes to show what a small world it is. Once we got back to Winnie's, we all sat out on their deck around their fire pit with cider, swapping stories. A perfect end to a fall night.

I was sad to leave on Sunday morning. We all had brunch at Goldberg's before J and I headed back. It was a gorgeous, albeit slightly warm, fall day. I love Atlanta and could totally see us living there. It has lots of the perks of being in a big city- like a plethora of amazing restaurants- but I also never felt crowded or overwhelmed. And it is most definitely Southern. It was one of the most relaxing trips that J and I have been able to take together and I'm really looking forward to heading back soon.

But it is nice to be home. The moments that I feel the luckiest are totally mundane. Chasing the dog around the hallway, drinking coffee with a book on the couch, curled up in bed next to J watching late night TV. As much as I know that our little townhouse isn't permanent, it is terribly lovely for a first home. I've never been anywhere that felt so "ours" or so mine or even so permanent. Probably because I have never been with someone that has made me feel so secure or loved or stable. Home is where you are.

While there's still something left to save.

2010-10-21T13:03:00.001-04:00

(Rise Against)

As I become more neurotic in some things, I become less so in others. I have given up on trying to read things because I feel like I should. (A bad habit instilled in me from being a Lit major.) This summer, instead of trying to finally get through War and Peace, I read whatever I felt like. I'm not sure how often I'll feature what I'm reading here because not everything I read is really worth sharing, but I'm thinking that at least once a month I'll give you my personal recommendations.

I love the HBO series "True Blood", so it's no surprise that I plowed through the Stookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris (also known as the Southern Vampire series). There are ten of them and I've been loaning various ones out to a lot of my friends. The first three are a little slow, the fourth one is amazing but is sort of unique as far as the plot of the whole series goes, and I could not put the last five down. Seriously. I was trying so hard to wait until after this last season of TB ended before I read the 10th book, but I couldn't wait. I hope Harris comes out with the next one soon.

J likes both fantasy/sci fi and young adult books. After he convinced me to read the Harry Potter series last year (and I shockingly really liked it) we both read the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. For YA lit, it's really good. So I was excited to see Rick Riordan start a new series of novels, also based on mythology- this time instead of Greek, Egyptian. I read The Red Pyramid early in the summer and it wasn't bad. I'm interested to see how the series develops.

Let's see... also of note... in the past few months I've read Eat, Pray, Love (meh), The Debutante Divorcee (not bad!), Twilight and New Moon (ugh, I fear for the the youth of America), The Moonlit Earth by Christopher Rice (Who I love! But I thought this was his worst novel.), The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest (All so graphic, I wouldn't recommend them to anyone. I really loved the first one, which is why I suffered through the second one... I still haven't finished the third one.), The Buenes Aires Broken Hearts Club (also, not bad), Summer at Tiffany (very cute), Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman (very different but I really enjoyed it), and Backseat Saints by Joshilyn Jackson. I really love Joshilyn Jackson. She does a great job of writing about the South like a native, without being immune to its many flaws. Her stories are always compelling and they are unpredictable without making you feel like you've been mislead about the characters or their history.

Right now, I’m reading the Hannah Swensen series by Joanne Fluke- mysteries that have a baker as the main character. Every other chapter has a recipe at the end! They're light but really entertaining and they always make me want a cookie.

P.S. Why is blogger so funky with its formatting? I worked on getting the spacing in between the paragraphs on this post where they were supposed to be for almost an hour before I gave up and published it as is. Sorry.

after the fire, after all the rain, I will be the flame

2010-10-19T17:32:00.000-04:00

(Cheap Trick)

So, I've come to realize that while we often mark life by these big events (hello wedding) what really defines who we are is the day to day stuff. The mundane... like the first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the year, or finding a new favorite eyeshadow, or a stupid pop song that you can't get out of your head. It's the reason why Twitter has become so popular (check out mine on the left)... because these little thoughts, little things, little moments... they're what we really live with everyday. So, the current stuff in my life?

Tarte cosmetics. I love their Rise and Shine lip stain and gloss duo. It's light enough that it gives my lips some color, but it's appropriate for my conservative workplace.
And on that same note... The Goodie spin pin is amazing. I don’t know how it works with people that have thicker hair than mine, which is super fine and stick straight… and I’m sure that you’re not actually supposed to see the pins in your hair (but my bun is too small for them to not to stick out) but it really does work.
Fantasy Football. Seriously, I'm so into it. Who knew?
Kind bars. I love them even more than Lara bars.
Bad eighties love songs. I mean, really cheesy. My Dad compiled some music for me and J as possibilities for the wedding... the Spanish guitar music is lovely, but the rest of it is interesting. I don't think we'd use most of it, but I have found myself jamming out to it on the way to work in the morning... I'm talking Patrick Swayze "She's Like the Wind", Cheap Trick "The Flame", Bruce Springsteen "I'm on Fire", Berlin "Take My Breath Away". It's kind of awesome.

Little girl, little girl you should close your eyes

2010-10-18T08:58:00.064-04:00

(Marilyn Manson)

I'm going to put a disclaimer right at the top of this one. If you are: one of my parents, an ex-boyfriend, someone who doesn't know me very well and doesn't want to know me better, or is offended by talking casually about sex... you should probably skip this one.

Hmmm. I thought long and hard about how to best broach this one. No pun intended. Some play music during the act because they want to set a mood, others because they need to *ahem* muffle things- especially when you live with other people. I've been thoroughly turned off or disappointed in a partner's choice of music. Ranging from mildly disturbing to incredibly awkward, I could make a top 20 list of what NOT to play when you're trying to get into someones pants. But, I won't. Suffice to say, Bob Marley or Mr. Roboto? Not so much. So, in no particular order, my top five favorite songs for, ya know.

- Marilyn Manson: "Heart-Shaped Glasses". Delicious. Dark. Dangerous. Don't watch the video if you're even a little squeamish.

- Deftones: "Digital Bath" or "Change (In the House of Flies)" or "Passenger" (featuring Maynard James Keenan) or... anything by the Deftones really. Chino Moreno's voice really does sound like sex. I'm not alone in this estimation either... Ranker lists "Change" on their Top 10 List of Songs to have sex to as well.

- A Perfect Circle: "The Noose". It's mildly dark and more than a little passive aggressive, but this song always sounded like a soundtrack to two people undressing each other to me.

- Audioslave: "Cochise". The intro to this song is priceless. The whole album is actually really well suited to knocking boots.

- Death Cab for Cutie: "We Laugh Indoors". Random, I know. But it's mellow enough to not be distracting and it has much more mass appeal than the other songs I've named. It's slightly sweet, a little sad, and makes very good background music.

Bonus! - Minus the Bear: "The Game Needed Me". Just listen to the lyrics. Trust me. (Double Bonus: Minus the Bear: "The Fix".)

I don't feel the need to explain my art to you, Warren.

2010-10-15T13:24:00.002-04:00

(Empire Records)

I heard someone in a class argue one time that the music you listen to in high school will be the music that you like for the rest of your life. I don't totally agree, but I see the point. It might not be the music that I listen to the most anymore or think is the best or even enjoy the most, but the music I listened to in high school is the music that I judge everything else by. It's what I compare new music to, it's what I reach for whenever a really strong emotion hits, it's the music that reminds me the most of particular moments or times.

I feel sort of the same way about movies. My favorite movies as a teen are obviously different from my favorite movies as a kid, but both are what I use to measure how much I like something else. In high school, I wouldn't date you if you didn't like at least four out of five of my favorite movies.

1. Almost Famous... Obviously. What's not to love? Jason Lee, Billy Crudup, Kate Hudson at her best, awesome clothes, better music, and a lopsided love triangle. Really. I still watch this movie all the time.

2. Reality Bites... Sigh. I love this movie, even though I don't know anyone else who's even seen it. I caught part of it on TV once in middle school and it's been love ever since. Wynona Ryder and Ethan Hawke have the absolute best chemistry in this movie. And I've grown to appreciate this movie more as I've gotten older. "I was really going to be something by the age of 23." It's a nice reminder that there's life after all your grand plans don't work out the way you thought they would.

3. Chasing Amy... My favorite from the View Askew Universe. Joey Lauren Adams, Ben Affleck, and a super skeezy Jason Lee. This movie is so funny and I think it's also a pretty brutally honest look at relationships and how fragile they can be.

4. Empire Records... This was my best friend in high school, Danielle's, favorite movie ever and she could recite the whole thing word for word. I've seen it so many times, now I can too. It's a little kitschy but it's also a total cult classic. So funny and so very early nineties.

5. The Princess Bride... I remember watching this with my Mom when I was really small. Being a kid who was sick all the time, I totally appreciated that the narrator is reading a story to his sick grandson. There's so much that makes The Princess Bride great... Cary Elwes, Andre the Giant and Mandy Patinkin, sword fights, epic kisses, adventure and the Dread Pirate Roberts. It was magical then, it's magical now.

Closely followed by: Donnie Darko, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Also, a Muppets Christmas Carol is my favorite Christmas movie and I won't date someone who won't watch it with me. (A Christmas Story is my Mom's favorite and it doesn't feel like Christmas without it. But the Muppets, you just can't beat them.)

Such a sweet sensation

2010-10-13T14:00:00.018-04:00

(Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

A music themed confessions!

- I listen to a mix of Classical and Frank Sinatra radio via Last.FM while I'm at work... even though I wear headphones and no one really knows what I'm listening to.

- I play Marky Mark in the middle of the afternoon around 2:00pm when I'm working... I usually need a boost around then and the fact that no one can tell what I'm listening to makes me smile.

- I actually really love the Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch station on Last.FM. It's all Color Me Badd, Heavy D, C+C Music Factory, "Groove is in the Heart", MC Hammer, "What is Love?", and of course new Kids on the Block... basically the MTV of my childhood. The early 90's were almost more ridiculous than the 80's. I'm going to embarrass the crap out of my kids one day listening to this junk. Especially if I get that XM Satellite radio and it's readily available.

- In a moment of cardio induced weakness, I downloaded a few of Ke$ha's songs for my workout mix. Now I can't get "Your Love is My Drug" out of my head.

- I love Kylie Minogue. There, I said it.

- And Rod Stewart. Don't judge me.

It's better than I ever knew.

2010-10-12T07:31:00.020-04:00

(Incubus)

You ever have a day where everything seems to go wrong? Yesterday, I had a day where everything went right. It could have gone completely the opposite direction. I woke up feeling tired and anxious. I was in a rush to get to work so I could get online and register for spring classes, I had an assignment to finish and a uncooperative website that was postponing it, and I was nervous about trying on the dress this week-end. Plus, I had tentative plans to meet up with an old friend I hadn't seen in a really long time and I didn't really know how it would pan out. I was fully prepared to come home drained and overwhelmed.

Instead? I got excellent news all day. I registered for classes and got into all of my first choices. My supervisor at work confirmed that I'll be picking up additional hours and collection management duties, which is incredibly exciting. Everyone in my class was having problems with the website for our assignment, so my instructor gave us an extension. The dress arrived at Bridals by Lori yesterday and is waiting for me and my Saturday appointment. And my coffee with Tina? Was fantastic. We sat and talked for over two hours and made plans to get together again really soon. I ran a few errands, talked to my parents, came home, and made dinner for me and J.

And at the end of it all, I just felt so happy and grateful. I have a lovely home, a job that I enjoy, amazing experiences and the best people to share it with.

leaving on a southern train only yesterday you lied

2010-10-11T07:06:00.027-04:00

(Stone Temple Pilots)

Some of my favorite, previously on hiatus or disbanded, bands have gotten back together and decided to tour recently. Most notably, of course, A Perfect Circle who is currently only touring on the west coast... and Stone Temple Pilots, who is coming literally right down the road from me. Which has left me to ponder certain changes in attitude I've developed since the last time I went... because it's been quite a few years since I've been to a larger show that had a real standing room only area.

I used to go all the time, but so much of going to concerts is a matter of time, money and company. Most of my friends don't really have the same taste in music as I do; going to shows was something I almost exclusively did with whoever I was dating. Being in D.C. seriously halted my cash flow for concerts and I adore J but he's not really a concert goer. Which is actually somehow pretty ok with me. I've found that I lack the desire I once had to actually go see a band.

I like people now even less than I did as an undergrad. The thought of standing in a crowd of sweaty, dirty, pushing people makes me want to kick and scream. I can't say with any certainty that I actually wouldn't kick and scream if I was in that situation again. And I threw down a few times at a show before with some stupid girl... I definitely wouldn't now. It's not safe. You never know what kind of crazy you're going to run into these days... or how hard it will be to get rid of it.

And that's just the issue with standing room only... even if we did get seats, it's just... the loudness. And I'd want to dance and sway and whatnot... and that's sort of awkward if the person you're with isn't also super into the music. I cried, both at STP and APC, and I just don't think I'd be comfortable getting that emotional with a bunch of strangers in that kind of setting again. All that communal energy? Just, suddenly not so appealing.

In short, I am too old for this shit. No matter how much I still love the music, I'd sort of just rather rock out in the relative privacy of my car.

Also, I've been listening to the classical music station on last.fm at work non-stop... it's beautiful, soothing, and makes me long for rosin, tights, and a nice long barre warm-up. Did you know I also drink tea and have cookies almost every night? I'm actually an eighty year old British woman.

views of the water, right from a page of your favorite author

2010-10-09T13:58:00.000-04:00

(Kanye West)

I was lucky enough to spend not one, but two gorgeous September week-ends on the beach. J took me to Amelia Island for a post-anniversary, engagement, alone time week-end. It was glorious. We got in Friday night and didn't leave the hotel room till dinner Saturday. I laid out on our balcony and read, we watched movies, ordered room service and drank champagne. I can't wait till we can do it again.

and right out the other

2010-10-06T14:04:00.000-04:00

(Cage the Elephant)

Oh, it's been awhile since we had a good confessions session, huh?

- A few things have been buzzing around my brain recently. B mentioned his tendency for multiple personalities when we spoke. (There's confession one right there.) And it got me to thinking. I am someone that has a dark current. I am in a little rough around the edges, but I think I do a pretty fine job of hiding it a lot of the time. I am naturally attracted to other people that are a little rough around the edges. Even if that just means that I like tattoos and facial hair.

- I play lots of things pretty close to my heart. I'm pretty open about a lot of things mostly because I feel defiant- like, you will not shame me for being who I am or doing what I want. But when it comes to how I think or feel about something, I'm realizing more and more that I'm just not usually comfortable sharing.

- My new job is with an organization that has a faith-based background. It doesn't really have much to do with the work I do, but it is a unique job environment. And it's made me really question how I feel about certain things and why I feel that way. I hope that I am able to raise children that have more faith in all things, even the everyday, than I do. Having faith in anything doesn't come naturally to me.

- I knew this before, but it has never been more true from the process of planning a wedding. Everyone has an opinion about your decisions. How much money you spend, how much you don't spend, what you spend it on, where you honeymoon, what music you play, etc etc. It's true in life, too. And I think I have finally realized that I am never going to be able to please everyone else all of the time. That I have to do what's right for me, regardless of what anyone else wants to think about it or say about it. But that's easier said than done.

how can I live in the past now? i'm trying to think the future

2010-10-05T22:30:00.000-04:00

(Tantric)

There's nothing quite like going through all of your music, accumulated over the past 10 plus years, to bring up all kinds of nostalgia. I'm currently trying and failing to find a good way to get it all it one place (thanks for being completely unhelpful iTunes) and organized and easily accessible. I had an external hard drive which then turned around and crashed on me. I wish there was a way to do all of it online, so that I don't have to rely on my own shitty technology to back-up priceless memories, rare random singles I only listen to occasionally, and an obscene amount of money that I've spent acquiring all this. SIGH. It's going to take me forever just to rip the music off of an iPhone, iPod, two laptops, an external hard drive, and the desktop.... and all of the CDs. Remember those things? Why did we think that MP3s were an improvement again?

Our lips are sealed.

2010-10-04T08:00:00.004-04:00

(The Go-Go's.)

Last week-end, the girls and I went to Myrtle Beach for the week-end. "The girls" being me, Z, Teddi, and AEG. I'm blessed to have lots of close girl friends but, they're not really one big "group" of friends that are all friends with each other. I mean, being in a sorority a lot of us know each other, for sure, but we're not all friends with the same people or as close to the same people. And a lot of the time I sort of prefer one on one interaction. I'm selfish that way sometimes.

Everyone is living in all different places now... it sucks in some ways, but it also lets you know who will make you a priority and who you'll make a priority. When it comes down to long distance calls and plane rides to stay close, you quickly figure out who you're true friends are. Plus, you know, you have those friends that you'll always see as "the girls"... you know that you'll be 80 and they'll remind you of how you were when you were 18. There's this quote from My So-Called Life about the friends that have known you forever and they know you in a way that other people can't because they've watched you change.

Which is why I got on a plane at 7:30 Friday morning, stopped in Atlanta, got on another plane at 9:30... that was so small I could see the propellers MOVING outside my window (terrifying) landed in Florence, SC (which might be a lovely place but sure as hell has the smallest airport I've ever seen) and then drove an hour over to the coast to pick the girls up at the Myrtle Beach airport. There was sun, there was champagne, there was some much needed girl time. All in all, it was totally lovely and I can't wait for our next adventure.

Behold, my awesome packing skills. Not only did I get everything into two carry-ons, including my laptop, but they both fit under my seat:

The plane was seriously tiny.

Typical Teddi:

Why, yes, my friends did pack two bottles of wine and a bottle of champagne in their luggage!

The view from our balcony:

How awesome is our pool?

Checking out the view...

Yup, it's all gossip, pillow fights and braiding each other's hair... Seriously though, check out my handiwork. Doesn't Z's hair look great? I wish mine was long enough to fishtail braid.

So we started at this bar called "Ocean Annie's" based on some joker's recommendation. Joke was on us, as we were the youngest people there by a good 15-20 years. Lots of cute dancing couples...

Went to some place called "Broadway" which is like the Downtown Disney of Bars. Sought a much needed drink. Found an Irish Bar. Thus... Carbombs.

Chocolate cake shots.

Double dutch. Which lead to the most memorable line of the evening... "Who does she think she is? Interrupting double dutch!"

Thriller:

Royal flushes.

I SO want XM Satellite Radio now! This led to an impromptu dance party in the car. My love for Marky Mark cannot be contained.

One last view of the water...

Such a fun time! It was totally the worth the fourteen hour, Delta Airlines fueled hell of getting back to Orlando on Sunday. ;)

in between molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide

2010-10-03T10:24:00.000-04:00

(Weezer)

October arrived a few days ago and it was like fall was suddenly inexplicably upon us. Sure, there had been little changes for a week or so... the heat wasn't quite so humid, the light was a tiny bit whiter, it was actually kind of cool in the mornings... But then it rained for five days. Hot, humid, sheets of grey rain. Friday got here, the first day of October, and it's like the Florida weather took a massive dose of Prozac. It's so beautiful, I just want to lay outside and bask. And for those of you unfamiliar with Florida's version of fall... It's about 75 this morning but it'll get to 84 or 85 today, totally clear blue skies, light breeze, low humidity. Perfection.

I had several thoughts on Friday morning... "It's one year exactly until our wedding and I hope that it's equally beautiful a year from now". (Thank to the Weather Channel's "My Wedding" page, I know that it hasn't rained on October 1st since 2007. So, I'm hopeful.) Also, "Holy crap, I can't believe I'm getting married in a year!" And, "It's October? How did it get to be October? Wasn't it just June?"

My Mom actually called me first thing Friday morning because it's what she likes to call "my weather" outside. Even though I say summer is my favorite season- and in a lot of ways it is- fall is what always made me feel energized and excited as a kid. Teddi mentioned in her blog the other day that fall is "the start of everything new". I totally agree. After this long hot summer, I have never been more ready for fall and everything it brings. It's been a breath of fresh air, literally. It makes me want to open all the windows in the house, even though it really isn't quite cool enough for that yet. I can't wait for Sundays with football on in the background and all the windows open and the house full of people. And picking out pumpkins and Christmas trees. And sweaters and boots and jeans. And drinking warm drinks. And watching the Macy's Day parade with my Dad. And driving with the windows down.

This week-end has been full of nothing and yet totally glorious. I went to the library and came out with an armful of cookbooks. I really love the library, all the infinite possibilities. Especially when I'm not working in it. I went to the gym. Yoga has been really good for me. I worked on homework and felt mildly accomplished. I took Sam to the dog park. J and I had Friday night pizza and then split an ice cream cone. I dug out the Halloween decorations. This is what I love about the holiday season, about fall in general... it's so full of ritual and routine and small little moments. Today will be spent finishing up some homework, meeting a friend for coffee, running some errands and doing some stuff around the house and blogging. I have a lot of things that I've been meaning to sit down and talk about for awhile... and today I'm taking the time to get it all out.

I can give you what you want, but you've got to come home with me

2010-09-27T09:04:00.000-04:00

(The Black Crowes)

Today I am really grateful for small blessings. I had an amazing week-end in Myrtle Beach with four of my favorite people. Unfortunately, getting home yesterday took 14 hours, $100 in extra cash, and some divine intervention. I got in after 1:00am last night and I got up at 6:30 this morning decidedly not bright eyed and bushy tailed for work. I got some fantastic pictures and stories from the week-end and I fully plan on giving you the lowdown once I upload everything... but, for now, I want to say that I am really grateful for the following:

- Friends worth flying on a prop plane to go see.
- XM Satellite radio in rental cars.
- Paying off my credit cards so that when I really have an unforeseen emergency or situation, I can deal with it.
- Fantasy Football for being my only distraction from doing homework on the floor of an airport for six hours yesterday.
- J.
- Working somewhere that I can get a relatively healthy breakfast at for less than $5 in five minutes.
- Naked Juice. The Tropical Smoothie with Coconut Water tastes like a Pina Colada and has 380% of my Vitamin C for the day. It's about 10x better than that crappy Odwalla Juice I had on Friday morning.
- My parents. I talked to my Dad on the way into work this morning and it made my whole outlook on life better.
- Blessedly being one of only two people actually at work in the library today through some cosmic twist of fate.
- Actually pulling it together and making it to work, taking the stairs, eating breakfast, and keeping up with my food diary for a whole week.
- Concealer.

smoke a cigarette and lie some more

2010-09-24T06:23:00.001-04:00

(Stone Temple Pilots. "Big Empty". My favorite. Came on right before I got out of the car at the airport this morning. It's both auspicious and comforting.)

Ah, the obligatory "I'm in the airport and I'm freaking out" post! You guys love these, right? (If for some reason, you're new here: I loathe flying with every fiber of my being. It combines my two worst fears... heights and being out of control.) I've been doing a lot of traveling lately (and have much more to do before the holidays) but this is the first time I've actually had to get on a plane since July. I actually owe you all a picture laden post about all the gorgeous views I've had recently, but I'm on my laptop and I don't have any pictures on it. Boo. I should be doing some work this morning but I'm too jittery to focus right now. So, free airport wifi! Yay! Someone's probably stealing my identity right now.

Oh, what's that? You want to know where I'm going? What could possibly drag me out of my bed at 4:30 this morning, hop on not one but two flights and rent a car to drive an additional hour all before noon on a Friday morning? I'm heading to Myrtle Beach for the week-end to meet Z, Teddi, and AEG for the week-end. We haven't all been in the same place at once since graduation (yeah, that would be the first one, in 2007). And, yes, I could have just gotten a direct flight there but it was an extra $300+.... and driving for 8 hours to turn around and come back 48 hours later just sounded less and less appealing the closer this trip has gotten.

I'm really looking forward to seeing the girls and even just the drive over to the coast. The past two weeks, since I started my new job, have been insanely busy and I don't feel like I've had thirty seconds to catch my breath. Work is great, it's just that between that and going out of town with J last week-end and having a whopping five assignments due in 8 days... I've been swamped. I actually have an assignment due on Sunday that I haven't really started yet. I never do this, I swear, but I literally just haven't had time to do it. I've been so exhausted (even my personal trainer said I looked really tired) and it's really complex and when I look at it right now, it might as well be calculus. I have several hours in the airport this morning and also, like, five on Sunday so it'll get done... much as I hate having it loom over my head.

In other news, the airport has already been a shitshow this morning. First of all, last time I flew it was Jetblue and they spoiled the heck out of me. Now I'm flying Delta who can't even be bothered to put gate information on their itinerary or boarding passes. So lovely. It's simply awesome to wander around the airport at 5:00 in the morning trying to figure out where I'm going on 4 hours of sleep. Thanks for that. And of course there's no one actually working here this early in the morning to direct you. Second, thank you to the girl in line at Starbuck's who decided to park her roll-y suitcase directly behind my legs. Trying to back out of your way and almost busting my ass this morning was totally on my agenda. And finally, do you have any idea how hard it is to get a healthy breakfast at the airport? I'm drinking one of those pre-bottled Odwalla smoothies and an apple bran cran muffin from Starbuck's. Between the two of them? 650 calories of mediocrity.

I'm more irritated than nervous this morning, though I think it's my brain trying to trick me into getting something done. My stress is manifesting itself in weird ways... Did I turn off the coffee pot? Did you double check the door? Did I leave my aleve on the counter? Will it be ok if Sam eats them? Because the cat is totally going to knock them off. I need something healthy for breakfast... Nervous idle chat with strangers. Maybe it's because it's a short flight? And the first one is just to Atlanta? The second one is on a plane the size of a Vespa, so I'm sure that will be sufficiently nerve wracking. And now I'm rambling.

In case I forgot to say it, or in case you ever doubt it. I love you.

Goldfoot machine, creates another fiend. So beautiful, it'll make you kill.

2010-09-22T15:13:00.000-04:00

(Rob Zombie. "Living Dead Girl".) Fact: I love Rob Zombie. J met him once and said he was really nice. His music is the best thing ever to work out to. And, if I was a stripper (I get the feeling I say that way too often), I would totally have a shtick where I only danced to Rob Zombie, with black lipstick, and I would call myself Sheri.- And if you get that reference without googling it, I am seriously impressed. Ahem. All of which has nothing to do with the following post. It's just that it's fall, it's almost Halloween, and there is never a more socially acceptable time to admit that you maybe irrationally love Rob Zombie.

So, the wedding. Is coming. I made my next appointment with my personal trainer for next Friday, which is October 1st. And my first thought was, "Good grief, how did it get to be October already?" And my second thought was, "Wow. That's exactly a year until our wedding." I'm so glad that I got a ton of stuff done before I started work last week. We have the venue, the emcee, the day of coordinator, the bridesmaid dresses designer and color, a tentative menu from the caterer, the preliminary guest list, and the photographers. It's been somewhat stressful and also a lot of fun. The worst part thus far? Finding the dress. Partially because I'm picky, partially because no one has had what I wanted (minus a $9000 Monique Lhullier that is beyond out of my budget), partially because there is so much pressure to have this "experience". You want the memories of going shopping with your Mom or your best friend and it being fun and you falling in love with "THE DRESS" and it just being so motherfucking magical.

It's a ton of pressure and it's also bullshit. Here's why, there are several things that are totally messed up about the process of buying a wedding dress:

- The fact that there is so much pressure to "have fun". It's effing stressful. Or, at least it has been for me. You're in there, you're looking at 1,001 different things, you've seen the dresses on girls that are gorgeous and a size zero, and you're forced to strip naked in front of a stranger, chat lightly about your fiance and wedding and whatnot, and then love the fourth thing you put on. It's just not realistic. Maybe some girls have that experience and if so, that's amazing and wonderful and I'm jealous. And, like, it is fun. But it would be more fun to play dress up if you weren't also trying to decide on the dress that you're going to where on one of the most important days of your life.

- The way that dress shop workers try to "jack you up" with veils and jewelry and shoes. (Veils are absurdly expensive. You think it's stupid to spend thousands of dollars on a dress? How about hundreds on a few layers of tulle and lace?) Despite this, I want a birdcage veil. (Which I will probably buy from Etsy.) A chiffon birdcage veil, not french netting. All sorts of veils are beautiful on other girls, but this is what I want. And yet, every single store wants to put me in a cathedral length veil. Well. When you put me in a veil, that I don't want, and you ask me how I feel, I am going to respond honestly. Like a cake topper. A beautiful cake topper, mind you. But, nothing like myself.

- The way that dress shop workers pray on your emotions. I will say that I have worked with some great people when I've gone to try on dresses. If you're getting married in Orlando and you want some honest opinions on salons here- regarding the experience, quality of selection, price, and helpfulness of staff... I am your gal. But I also went to one place that forced me into a veil and earring and shoes and a bouquet and made me walk down an imaginary aisle. I had to fake a panic attack to get us out of the store. True story.

- The fact that people expect you to try on four dresses and make a decision. If you shop around or try on more than 10 dresses, they assume that you are indecisive instead of wondering whether or not they actually have what you are actually looking for. I am admittedly, very picky. I know what I like and what I don't. And if you don't have anything that I like, I'm not going to tell you that. I have a problem with feeling like I'm wasting people's time. I also don't want to offend anyone. So, I'm going to try on the two dresses from the line that you carry that I like because I am here and I made an appointment and who knows? This does not make me crazy or indecisive. It makes me a very informed shopper.

- The fact that you can't take any pictures. Yeah. High end bridal salons won't let you take pictures in dresses that you haven't purchased. Which makes it mildly difficult to remember the specifics of the dresses you are debating. I combat this by printing out pictures of all the dresses I want to try on/have tried on. Still. Being able to take pictures and remember how YOU look in something would be helpful.

- The fact that about 50% of bridal salons don't put the prices on the dresses or don't adhere strictly to your budget. I never would have tried on that Monique Lhullier dress if I had known how much it was. Yes, I low ball people with my budget for my dress. But, I don't low ball by several thousand dollars. I purposely didn't try on the Sunday Rose ML dress because of how expensive it was. I don't want to try something on, love it, and then realize that it's over my budget. What hell. (I loved that dress. Totally got the emotional, wide grin, holy crap face on. Of course, it was the first time that I've been able to try on a dress that was what I wanted. How hard is it to find an A-Line dress, not super poofy, with an embellished skirt that isn't lace, crystals or beading? Freaking hard people. Don't even start me on the off the shoulder sleeves. Non-existent.)

The majority of people that I've worked with regarding the wedding have been fantastic and no one treats a bride better than a bridal salon. Most especially, I have been working with Bella Bridesmaid on the bridesmaid dresses (LulaKate, silk dupioni, mustard color) and it has been a total joy. I'm going to take my Mom there for her Mother-of-the-Bride dress and I am also purchasing my rehearsal dinner dress through them. I have gotten to go shopping with my Mom, my best friend, and my future sister in law... and it's all been a great experience. But stressful like you wouldn't believe. So, kids, cross your fingers that this dress in Atlanta that I can't stop thinking about really is the one. Because otherwise I'm going to need a fairy godmother to make the perfect dress happen.

put your lovin' hands out darlin'

2010-09-21T20:13:00.000-04:00

(Madcon)

Commuting to and from work every day has given me a lot of extra time to think, to sing in the car and listen to music, to come up with ideas for the blog… Some days it’s really the only chance I have all day to just be. Work has been great in some ways, besides just the fact that I’m getting paid. It’s nice to be doing something all day where I can sit and not be disturbed and there is tangible evidence of me getting something done. You catalog a book, it moves from unavailable to available, you find the right spot for it in the collection (and, no, that doesn’t mean shelving it). It sounds trite, but I do feel like in some small way I’m helping people. It’s also nice to be out of the house and feeling productive. In some ways, it’s made me more motivated to do other things to- but I haven’t really had the time to put the motivation into practice. Talk about a catch-22, huh? It’s not just not physically having the time to do things because I’m at work or on my way there… it’s also that I am really tired. I don’t know how all you people in the real world do this for 40 hours a week.

I’ve had to buy new clothes for work. Most of the stuff that I bought for my internship in DC either doesn’t fit anymore or is way too warm to wear here. (Sweater dresses? Not so much… it’s still in the upper 80s here and will be till, oh, December.) Buying clothes for work is not so much fun. I have gone up a size since last fall and in spite of my best efforts to not let it get to me, it really is. I know that no one else can see the difference, but to me it feels like the start of the long spiral down into old age. (My newly acquired gray hairs aren’t helping this either.) It’s not just the knowledge that I will never be 23 and a size 0 again. It’s the knowledge that I will also never be 26 again, right here, with still perky boobs and mostly not gray hair. Like, is this as good as it gets? I sure as hell hope that some of this is reversible or at least pause-ible. And then I stress that all this stress is giving me more gray hairs. Awesome.

Going to the personal trainer has been somewhat helpful. I always feel like I get a great workout and I’m insanely sore for a few days afterward. The problem is trying to get into the gym when I don’t have a meeting with my trainer. I just need to find a way to adjust my schedule to make it work. Another plus to my job, I park in the farthest parking garage away from my building… it’s probably a mile? So I’m walking again at least as much as I did when I lived in DC. I also make it a point to drink more water, eat more veggies, etc. I know that I’m healthier now than I was a year ago, or the year before that. And my chronic bouts of random sickness have largely dissipated. So why doesn’t that translate into me feeling better about the extra weight?

I guess there are plenty of other things to be feeling good about. School is going really well, even though I’ve been swamped with work. It’s hard to believe that a year from now I’ll be all done. And J and I will be getting ready to tie the knot. Isn’t crazy how quickly life can change? I always wonder where I’ll be when this time comes around next year. It hits even harder with the seasons changing. Even though the weather here is still ridiculously hot, I can tell that it’s fall again. The light has changed, the air in the morning is decidedly cooler, and October is just around the bend. How did it get to be the end of September already? The past few months have been so action packed, so full of stuff to do and people to see, that it’s totally flown by.

I'm lost and I'm found and I can't touch the ground

2010-09-16T19:41:00.001-04:00

(Sponge)

That TV show “The League”? I love it. I watched most of last season with J when it was on, but there were only a few measly episodes. I don’t particularly like “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, maybe it’s one of those things that you have to have been watching since the beginning to truly appreciate it but I love love love “The League”. It’s all about this group of friends and their fantasy football league and I found it pretty hilarious before when I barely watched football so I’m sure this year, now that I’m playing in two leagues, I’ll really love it.

Z, you're probably going to want to stop reading now.

So yeah. Fantasy Football. It’s one of those things that I did for two reasons. A, I have to listen to J wax poetic about stuff like football and Magic: The Gathering (don’t ask, don’t judge, and I’ll spare you the details of how he got my Dad to start playing) and various other guy things… which is fine, I mean, we do have similar interests, but I don’t expect or want us to like all the same things (and he did sit through “Spring Awakening” for me last year, so…) but there are some times, particularly when we’re out with other couple friends or when he’s constantly checking his iPhone during football season that I would like to know what’s going on. Plus, football is just one of those things that I’ve always associated with fall and cool weather and sweaters and, like, being American. I love college ball but seeing as how my own alma maters (UCF and FSU) aren’t doing so well lately (to put it kindly) and I end up rooting for Alabama (Roll Tide!) and UGA (because that bulldog is darn cute), I end up just not watching it. So. To the Pros it is. B, I actually have some female friends now (namely S, JB’s girlfriend) that were also interested in playing so it worked into a nice friendly competition with the boys. Or, at least it started that way.

J and I are actually in two leagues. The “Couples” League that we’re in with S and JB and Dan&Jen. We tried relentlessly to recruit more “couples” or even just another guy and girl but everyone bailed on us, so it’s just the six of us. It actually made it really interesting, because with only six people drafting you end up with true “fantasy” teams that are stacked. I have Peyton Manning and Tony Romo and Antonio Gates and the Jets Defense, and the number one kicker, and Dallas Whats-His-Name the number two tight end, etc. etc. Where was I going with this? Oh. Anyway, the other league we’re in is one that Jimmy cooked up and so it’s a mix of guys and girls, couples and non, people that know what they’re doing and those of us that… don’t. I want to state here that J was totally unhelpful before the couples league draft and he is responsible for drafting my Laser team (I have no idea how Jimmy came up with that name. J is in a whopping and utterly ridiculous SIX leagues, but some of them having really cool themes like Battle of the Bands or the Eighties- I really wanted his team to be “Reaganomics” or the “Fraggle Rockstars” or the “Brat Packers” but he was having none of it. Anyway…) Where was I going with this? Oh. So anyway, the Laser Tag team is not nearly as high scoring as the one in the Couples League and J did draft me some great players, but anyone he drafted that sucks (Ahem, Pierre Garcon) I can blame on him.

Basically though, before and during the draft, J didn’t really help me or explain to me how things worked, or why it was a good idea to pick up so many damn wide receivers or running backs… But now, he has all kinds of advice and opinions. Convenient, huh? Which is funny considering that I won my match-ups in BOTH leagues last week. J says that I’m too competitive. Which is also funny because I think that with girls you can’t be nearly as competitive as I would be if I were playing with all guys, especially since I’m friends with some of these girls. You just can’t smack talk your female friends. They’ll take it too personally. I took it personally when someone said I was too competitive last week. My response to someone thinking I'm too competitive? No one likes a sore loser.

broken glass, broke and hungry, broken hearts and broken bones

2010-09-15T13:47:00.000-04:00

(Barenaked Ladies. "The Old Apartment".)

This is the only Barenaked Ladies song that I like. Senior year of High School, JLM "borrowed" the CD for me out of his Mom's boyfriend's truck and I still have it. I've always liked this song. I like the somewhat soft very 1998 rock sound of it and I like that it sounds like the band isn't trying too hard (for once) and I like the whole story of the song... anyone who's moved out of a house where they were really happy or that held a lot of memories for them and then driven back by it to see someone else living in your "home" can relate. It's about more than that, of course, it's about the larger regret of days gone by, but I love the way the singer addresses them in such a round about way.

So, yeah. I haven't been here. But I have literally been everywhere else. I started my new job on Monday, which is going well. For those of you keeping track, yeah, I have two jobs. Both library related, so yay for that. I'm also keeping my internship in reference (though I'm only doing it one afternoon a week and one week-end a month). I really love the people here in Reference and shockingly, I actually get a ton of personal stuff done when I'm in here (like updating this here blog) so I don't want to give it up unless I really have to. Although I will say that two days in to two jobs, an internship, school and life and I'm already so exhausted. How do you people do this for 40+ hours a week, every week?

Also a contributing factor in me being tired? I broke down and got myself a personal trainer. It's just through my gym, although it costs enough that it might as well be private, and it is a little frivolous... but clearly trying to work out myself hasn't really been getting me very far. I don't think it's in any way necessary for everyone (especially if you have a significant other that knows their way around the gym) but so far, for me, it's been awesome. I physically feel like someone kicked the shit out of me for the next day and a half after I go, but I also feel like I actually got a workout. And I need someone to correct my positioning and heft my free weights for me and write down all my reps and to encourage me to finish. Because I obviously wasn't doing it for myself.

Besides that (and school- which is tough this semester, but which I also love for the most part) it's just life. It's worshipping at the alter of my new coffee maker, it's trying to convince J to change his alarm tone to something other than that Ke$ha song, it's the battle to find a wedding dress, and walking the dog every morning and feeling the ever so slight changes in the seasons (it's getting cooler, I swear), it's week-end trips with J and with the girls, it's phone calls from long thought to be lost friends, it's new make-up and old books, the season finale of True Blood, playing fantasy football, and trying to find time to fit it all in. I have a constant running dialog in my head of things I want to mention or stuff I'm contemplating and about 15 half started blog entries. And the truth is that I'm too busy out there actually living my life to stop and talk about it whenever I want to. But as tired or overwhelmed as I am a lot of the time, I do think it's a crazy lucky ride...

when push comes to pull comes to shove

2010-08-25T15:23:00.002-04:00

(A Perfect Circle)

Sometimes I put shuffle on my iPod and I get nothing that I want to hear. And then sometimes, it's like a playlist that was built specifically for how I'm feeling. The weather has been grey and rainy for going on three days now. I'm frazzled and numb all at once and I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts out coherently. Today, my iPod spit this out at me... and it was perfect:

- "Alive with the Glory of Love" by Say Anything
- "The Funeral" by Band of Horses
- "Big Empty" by Stone Temple Pilots
- "Rose" by A Perfect Circle
- "1979" by Smashing Pumpkins
- "What Ever Happened" by the Strokes

They're all songs that I feel really connected with, songs that hit you right in the heart when you hear them. And I needed that today. I haven't been writing because I'm too overwhelmed with life right now and I hate reading back over old entries and sounding whiny or bitchy or ungrateful. I'm not unhappy, I just have a lot of shit of going on. I have plans every week-end from now until October.

Plus, in the past month, we've booked our DJ (the awesome guy that hosts live trivia every week. we're doing a mini trivia session during the reception), our day of coordinator, our photographers (who I love and secretly hope we'll end up being friends with) and had our first meeting with the caterer. Dress shopping with my Mom didn't go so well. It was overwhelming, no one had what I wanted, I didn't get emotional, the girl at Priscilla of Boston was way too pushy and it wasn't the shopping for my wedding dress experience that I wanted to have. Even though it can't be epically stressful- I really do freakin' love being a bride.

And... My best friend gets here on Friday and I just really need to see her and talk and get pedicures and eat carbs. Also this week? I started the fall semester for my grad program... three classes a week, all of which I'm super excited about, all of which will require a ton of focus, commitment and work. I also start my assistantship this week... And I have a third interview with a small academic library. With the president of the college. Last week, I had a three hour interview there... which went great, but made me feel totally exhausted. The experience would be amazing and the extra cash would be fantastic for our wedding fund.

And listing all this? Doesn't really clue you in to how I'm feeling or what I'm doing at all, huh? I'm relieved that we've gotten so much done for the wedding already and I'm glad that I started so early. I did a ton of research and I feel confident and happy about everything we've decided and booked. I've gotten a lot of ideas for the wedding and I'm excited about planning some of the more personal and fun stuff. That being said, I feel like my brain is oversaturated with lace and tulle and peonies and tons and tons of wedding crap. There is so much detail involved that it's easy to feel like you're drowning. I need a break so that I can come back and look at all this stuff with a fresh eye.

I'm excited for all the plans that we have for fall... seeing Z this week-end, Amelia Island with J, going to Atlanta to see Winnie, our girls trip to Myrtle Beach... and mostly, and I never thought I'd say this, I'm just excited for fall. This summer has been long and hot and I'm ready for a change. I'm excited to spend the holidays with our families, for some cooler weather, for long walks in the morning with Sam that don't leave both of us panting, for pumpkin spice lattes and cardigans. I am not looking forward to buying new jeans, which I desperately need.

I haven't gained any weight since I last mentioned it, but I also haven't gone to the gym in a month... so I've lost some muscle mass and probably replaced it with flab. I went five days with no sugar a few weeks ago, which tightened up my abs, but also made me angry and hateful at the world. I'm trying to strike a balance with this whole diet and exercise thing. I don't want to feel like I'm punishing myself. I don't want to look in the mirror- at my totally normal and relatively healthy body- and beat myself up. I don't want to deny myself. Life is too effing short to diet. I just want to feel healthy and have energy and feel like through diet and exercise I'm taking care of myself. The whole meal planning, being an adult, gym thing... it's a struggle for me and I'm still trying to figure out how to tackle it. But, I did just buy new running shoes so there's some motivation to move about at least.

School is school and work is work and change is change. J and I just celebrated our two year anniversary. This is the first time I've reached this milestone with someone and I haven't had a foot out the door. We are a work in progress, much like our house, and this life but we are really building something here. I feel like a work in progress a lot lately. Balance and stability are two things that I desperately need but that I have a really hard time finding.

And that, in a nutshell, is why I haven't been here. Because I've been out living and working on things. But you mustn't think that I haven't thought about you, dear little blog. As a matter of fact, I am trying to find a way to work in some new features on here... For one, I consume a ton of books, tv, movies, pop culture and random facts everyday and I'd like to find a way to share my favorites with you... in a non-list format. Two, I have this really great camera... that I sort of don't use often enough... and some blog related motivation might fix that. I'm striving to be better in so many ways. Being more present on here is definitely on the list.

I know it's way too short, it rarely lasts too long

2010-08-19T13:23:00.000-04:00

(Stroke 9)

I'm anxiously awaiting news and I can't really focus on much else besides waiting for this phone call. I get like this- single minded. There is some small amount of news on this end, of course it's all wedding related, so I'm sort of not really wanting to share until some more stuff happens. Which will be very soon. Plus, I go back to school next week, start my assistantship, my best friend is coming to visit, J and I are celebrating our two year anniversary... you know, lots of stuff going on, but just... not yet. Waiting sucks. But I'm here. I'm still right here.

Nobody told me you were a sucker for a kiss

2010-08-11T13:15:00.000-04:00

(New Found Glory)

- It is a dance party for one with me all the time. Z will tell you that in my younger days, I not only danced in the grocery store, but I had a special dance called the grocery cart dance.

- My grandfather has the same greeting every time I talk to him, whether it's in person or on the phone: "Well, Hey Sug'!" It is, literally, one of my very favorite things on the planet and it never fails to make me feel totally and completely loved. I called him on Thursday to ask him to marry J and I (in addition to being an amazing carpenter- who made both my crib and my hope chest- Paw Paw is also an ordained pastor). (And he said yes.)

- I hate our grocery store. I mean, I love Publix. I truly do- shopping at Safeway and Giant for 10 months in DC sucked. But, I hate the Publix that is literally a quarter of a mile from our house and therefore unavoidably convenient because it is also right next to the University and it is always fulls of girls in too little clothing and too much make-up and occasionally I like to go to the grocery store and not feel like it's frakkin' fashion show.

- Sometimes when I'm singing in the car, I look over and fully expect to see you looking back at me.

- I regret losing my virginity to someone who hated the Doors. I should have waited. For someone who actually appreciated the music of the 1970's.

- My favorite line in any Bret Easton Ellis novel is, "I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger." It perfectly sums up this 5 page stream of consciousness about drugs and sex across Europe. And it's exactly how I've felt sometimes when major changes were underfoot. Like, who am I and how the hell did I get here?

- There are very few people in my life that I love unconditionally. I would imagine most people are this way, but perhaps not. I think a relationship has to be really tested first, so I think you have to know someone for a pretty long time to qualify. Among my "people"? J, of course. A precious few friends. And JLM, the first person besides my Mom to tell me, show me, prove to me that there's nothing I could do to make you stop loving me. Knowing this has saved me more times than you know.

- What I forgot to say about "Almost Famous" in this post was that it verbalized this feeling about music in a way that I had never been able to. What it feels like to love something so outside of yourself so much... "To truly love some band or some silly little piece of music so much that it hurts." I felt this way for a really long time and there are days I fear I am slowly growing out of it. I hope not. I hope that new music just really sucks and it's not me getting old, too.

send a heart to all my dearies, when your life is so so dreary

2010-08-08T14:49:00.000-04:00

(Smashing Pumpkins)

The past few days have been mostly suck with a side of frustrated fail. J has been sick, it's been a barrage of nonstop rain in Central Florida, and I have been battling a serious dose of melancholy. And... I'm dealing with things that I just can't talk about. It seems that my life has always lacked enough stability and that even now, I'm fighting for something I can depend on. I got some free therapy/advice from my Mom but mostly, I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to note the valley, lest you all think that my life is an endless stream of undeserved luck. Life, relationships, happiness... it's a lot of fucking work. And sometimes, I feel utterly unequipped for the task at hand.

lay your head down child, I won't let the boogeyman come

2010-08-05T13:18:00.001-04:00

(A Perfect Circle)

Insomnia. Is such a bitch. Not sleeping. For days. Or weeks. Or not sleeping well. For months. Is one of the worst things you can do to your body and your psyche. I went through a phase like this Junior year of college for about six months. First I couldn't stay asleep and then I couldn't fall asleep. And how I fixed it the last time is decidedly not an option this time. Now, it's a mixture of all kinds of things. Sometimes I can't stay asleep. Sometimes I have nightmares. Awesome. Sometimes I can't fall asleep. And sometimes I can't fall asleep fast enough, meaning before J does. Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to lie awake next to someone who is so obviously sleeping blissfully? It blows. Insomnia fucking blows.

at a parking lot appointment, now my heart is on the run and skipping beats

2010-08-04T14:33:00.000-04:00

(Fight From Above)

Every time I talk to a friend lately, I find myself saying... "Well, besides the wedding, there's no news. But, I'm really happy, I can't complain." And you know what? It's totally true. I am really really happy. Wedding planning is a little overwhelming but the details are really starting to come together. My bridesmaids and maid of honor are amazing and have started to come up with some bridesmaid dresses I really love. I have a list of photographers within our budget whose work totally thrills me that we need to interview. Rick Peterson, our trivia guy, just agreed to emcee our wedding- and do a mini trivia round during the reception. The appointment to try on The Dress has been made.I n spite of myself, it's all coming together. I am SO glad that I started planning early.

J's job is going great, even though he's working almost 70 hours a week right now. We'll celebrate our two year anniversay at the end of the month. We're going to do a belated celebration and go to Amelia Island for a long week-end sometime in September. Amazing, because we hardly ever get to take a trip that's just us. We're also in the midst of planning our trip to Atlanta to see Winnie and her husband in October. Having things to look forward to is the best. And being surrounded by friends makes me happy. Jimmy is here right now, which is awesome. That kid makes me laugh... and, of course, Z will be here at the end of the month and I absolutely cannot wait. There will be tons of wedding stuff, trying on dresses, heading to the beach, many carbs to consume, and pedicures at our favorite place to have done.

Can you tell I had too much caffeine this morning? I've just felt sunny all day. I met up with Olive for a long brunch this morning and it was so good to see her. I'm just... really grateful for my life right now. I thrive when I have balance... when I have plans, when I feel connected to my friends, when I'm being productive. Since the past few weeks have been anything but balanced it feels nice to get back into a groove again.

blew a kiss and tried to take it home

2010-08-04T14:06:00.000-04:00

(Stone Temple Pilots)

- My "list"? Mark Wahlberg, Scott Weiland, Alexandar Skarsgard. And Anthony Bourdain. Don't judge me. I've had a crush on Mark Wahlberg since I saw the video for "Good Vibrations" in like 1992? I was six.

- I know exactly how many days it's been since the last time I cried over every single boy I really loved.

- I have no idea what makes some people good and some people bad, but I still really believe that people are basically good.

- I've loved riding in the car at night my whole life. My earliest memory is riding in the car with my parents one night, eating a Skor bar, and being totally fascinated by the lights rushing by.

- Sometimes, the very best part of my day is getting a random smile from a stranger.

I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much

2010-07-31T16:39:00.002-04:00

(Tears for Fears)

I never thought I would be the kind of bride to totally fall in love with one wedding gown. Like, have to try it on, can't find anything else I like as much, won't buy anything until I've tried on this one gown. And yet, here we are. I had the good fortune of falling head over heels for something in my price range, at least. But, tracking down this dress has been the biggest wedding planning hurdle so far.

So. Here's the designer: Alyne Bridal, a division of Rivini The dress is the "Alice" dress. It's A-Line, corseted, with a ruffled satin skirt and the most perfect off the shoulder sleeves. Also, it's true antique ivory- almost cream. So beautiful. It's the first dress that I saw and gasped. And everyone I show it to says the exact same thing- it just looks like me.

Unfortunately, it's a new line and there are very few stores in the entire country that sell it. My search began with the only store in Florida listed- a place in Coral Gables. The woman who answered had no idea what I was talking about, even though the store is listed on Alyne's website and the line is featured on the store's own blog. I called again a few weeks after the first attempt and still- they have no idea what I'm talking about. Awesome.

Two places in Georgia carry the line. One in Augusta and one in Atlanta. The one in Augusta doesn't carry the Alice dress, of course. Unfortunately, the one in Atlanta is the biggest bridal salon in the country and the subject of TLC's newest show "Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta". Meaning that it's not exactly easy to get a quick appointment. And, no, they don't carry the dress either- although they can order it for me to try on- I just have to put down a 10% deposit on the dress. Fun. We have the budget to to do it, but what if I put the dress on and don't love it?

The next nearest salon that carries this line? Is in New Orleans.

I have made literally 25 phone calls regarding trying to find this dress- and J has called several places too. I finally made an October appointment with the place in Atlanta. But at this point, I'm thinking that it's going to be a back up. Because I have three appointments here in Orlando with my Mom, two with Z, and several more with J's sister. And because it just sort of feels like the universe is trying to tell me something. Like, I just need to make my peace with not being able to get this dress. I should try on other dresses with an open heart and an open mind and if I find something that I love, I should go ahead and get that. Of course, on the chance that I don't, I have an appointment with destiny sometime in October.

Update: I told J about my dilemma and he says, "So, we'll put the deposit down on the dress and go to Atlanta. I just want you to have the dress that you want." Whatever dress I wear, I know that I'm walking down the aisle towards the right person.

oh, gotta see, gotta know right now...

2010-07-28T15:05:00.000-04:00

What's that riding on your everything?
It isn't anything at all.
...
Early, early in the morning
it pulls
on all down on my sore feet
I wanna go back to sleep.
(Modest Mouse)

I'm postponing confessions for a week. I wrote them feeling lighthearted which is how I have decidedly not felt the past few days. There have been bright spots, to be sure, an hour long phone date with Z that was so needed and appreciated and made me feel a billion times better about, like, everything but especially wedding planning and oh, yeah, I got a job (highly coveted- by me anyway- research assistantship with two professors in my college- and only 20 hours a week, so still room for other developments)... and also I spent a nearly perfectly lovely day with J yesterday, who got an in-kitchen promotion from omelette king to the grill... which means being at work at 8:00 instead of 6:00 which is awesome in every possible way... and honestly, life in general is so good. I can't complain and I'm not ungrateful.

It's just that I feel sad. The news from Sunday has made me feel heavy and contemplative. It's difficult not to take a long, hard look at your own life when you hear of someone so young passing. The fact of the matter is that we're all here temporarily and to function day to day, you really have to ignore that. Being forced to face it... is downright terrifying, to begin with. And also, it makes you wonder if you're living your life the way you really want to be. I can honestly say that for the most part, I am. Wholeheartedly. I don't usually hold grudges, I try not to burn too many bridges- or to at least make a concerted effort to repair them, and I am learning to let go of things I can't control. I adore my fiancee, I avoid dieting, I talk to my parents just about everyday. I tell my friends that I love them, I went back to school to pursue a career I really enjoy, and I take more than my fair share of mental health days. I try to embrace it and appreciate it... all these fleeting moments.

And yet. I can't seem to snap out of this funk. And I hate that. I hate that I'm here, breathing, and with a thousand and one reasons to be happy and I feel sad for days for someone that I didn't even know. Because it just seems sometimes like it's futile. And it seems like no matter what my intentions are, there are a hundred things I could be doing better. And it sucks when every single song on my iPod makes me want to cry and each one for a totally different reason.

Because I don't really regret much in my life. I don't regret a lot of my actions and I don't regret the heartache and the skinned knees. I am sorry for hurting other people, intentionally or not. I am sorry for the way I went about doing things. I am sorry, sometimes, for not saying what I was thinking. Mostly, I am sorry for things that I would not take back. Because I am happy. And I like who I am. And I feel like I am much stronger than I ever thought. And everything I've done, every person I've loved, it's brought me right here to this.

But true regret... not a whole lot. I regret selling my Jetta, because god I still miss that car and what it meant to me and my Dad. I regret not going to Winnie's wedding, because I was going through my own inner turmoil bullshit. And I regret the way things ended with us. Not because I regret them ending. But because I let my pain and anger dictate the way I behaved afterwards. And it wasn't very good of me. And I'm not very proud of it. And I want to tell you that I'm sorry. But I'm too scared.

And I guess that I am just going to have to live with that. And isn't that the hardest thing of all? Learning to accept and live with the things you can't change? Grace. Number three in the trifecta of things I can't seem to get a good grasp on... Patience, faith and grace. Maybe it'll come with time.

For a thousand days, we could get carried away

2010-07-27T10:16:00.000-04:00

(Deftones)

Was going to post this yesterday for Monday mix tape, but it felt like poor timing. So a day late, a buck short, you know. It's how I roll. Currently in my CD player's rotation (Yes, I have more up to date technology, but there's nothing like being forced to listen to an album from start to finish. iPods feed into my self-induced ADD):

- The Cure, Greatest Hits. I got a random urge to listen to this the other day and it stuck. The Cure is so infectious... it's so much fun and so light and exactly the kind of thing you don't mind getting stuck in your head for hours.

- Fight from Above, L.A. Kids. This whole album is just fun. It's light, it's got great lyrics, and it's the best to sing along to.

- City and Colour, Bring Me Your Love. Dallas Green has the most amazing voice I've heard in a long time. This album is understated but I definitely wouldn't call it simple. A few years ago, I feel in love with Greg Laswell's first album and I love this one for all the same reasons- it's an artist that really knows themselves and their vision and they stick to that and let it shine. It's smooth and polished, but definitely not overproduced. This is probably the album that I would feel comfortable recommending to the most of my friends.

- Deftones, Diamond Eyes. I've already gone on and on about this one, but it's worth mentioning again- if for no other reason than it keeps continuing to amaze and impress me. I fall in love with one song and as soon as I start to get it out of my head, I fall in love with another one. My favorites on the albums so far? "Sextape", "Diamond Eyes", "Risk" and "976-EVIL".

- The XX, Self-Titled. The best album for summer. It's lush and sensual, totally peaceful. If I was in high school, this would be my go to make-out album, for sure. As it is, it's perfect for cruising around with the windows down. It blends well with the summer heat.

Now I feel the wind blow outside my door

2010-07-26T09:49:00.000-04:00

(Lynyrd Skynyrd)

My Mom called me yesterday morning pretty hysterical. She's a preschool teacher- has been for over ten years- at the same place. One of the other teachers, Renee, I've known since I was fifteen. She's a really wonderful person. The kind of person that makes you smile whenever she answers the phone. The first time I called the preschool after I got engaged, she picked up and just squealed- she was so genuinely happy for me. Renee has two sons. The oldest one, Anthony, just finished his freshman year of college. He was out skateboarding Saturday night and got hit by a car and died. It's the type of thing that you hear and it makes you sick to your stomach for that person's family- even if you've never met them or heard of them. But to know Renee and her family, and to know how amazing they are, it's just some kind of terrible. I've felt sad, just really unshakingly sad, for the past two days and I feel guilty for being sad because I feel like I have no right to mourn for someone I didn't really know. I just can't help but feel shaken. Your whole life can change in the blink of an eye... and yet the world keeps on turning.

I don't even know your real name.

2010-07-25T13:38:00.001-04:00

Almost Famous was on TV the other day. I own the movie, but whenever it's on TV I watch it too. Does anyone else do that? It's absolutely one of my favorites, which you've probably figured out by now. I think part of what I loved about "Almost Famous" the first time was how it totally captured this idealized world of the 1970's. I mean, the music in "Almost Famous". Jesus. So good. But, also the movie is really hopeful and the entire cast really grows and develops through the whole thing... and it's really funny. Like, really funny. I think most of all though, the movie is really easy to relate to. The entire cast does a great job of relaying their emotions without actually having to say anything.

The casting is also perfect. Kate Hudson, probably at her peak, is perfect as Penny Lane. She's got that whole manic pixie dream girl thing down. Jason Lee. "I don't love you man- I never did." (I wish he had never done Alvin and the Chipmunks because I really loved him before that.) Billy Crudup. Philip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs. "I'm always home, I'm uncool." Pitch perfect and total comic relief. AND Zooey Deschanel. Plus, Anna Paquin and Fairuza Balk as band-aids... and of course, Patrick Fugit. Sigh. He didn't stand a chance next to Billy Crudup, I mean, really.

And the hair! And the clothes! And the sexual tension! And the drugs. And did I mention the music?

spitting game and turning tricks

2010-07-24T15:52:00.003-04:00

(Fight From Above)

I've been fairly collected with the whole wedding planning thing to this point. The venue is perfect and booked, there is a back up plan in case of rain, I feel fairly confident with the details and ideas we have going right now, and strategically and with timing, I truly believe we can pull all this off and that it will be beautiful and that even if there are snags, I will be so thrilled to be getting married to J that I will not care. And also, it has been evidenced that our families and friends love us so much that the rough edges will all get smoothed out and details taken care of somehow. I truly believe this, so do not burst my bubble.

That being said. I don't expect anything to be flawless or a breeze or without hiccups. Right now, I am having a major dilemma and while I e-mailed M to help me deal with it (partially because she is doing our stationary, god love her, and partially because I think I have sent my mother too many wedding related e-mails this week) I thought I would open the discussion up for debate. Someone show me some color. By the way, yes, I am totally aware that this is a first world problem. Meaning, of course, that if this is the worst of my worries, I should count myself lucky. And for the record, I totally do.

Update: Nevermind. I'm pretty sure we just decided to go with yellow and grey with pops of red.

My first shared bridal panic attack:

Yo.

So I am having a debate with myself over whether or not I want yellow and brown or yellow and gray. I have not discussed this with J yet, but I am assuming (perhaps falsely) that he will be ok with either. I'm just not seeing a lot of yellow/brown combos that I love, but my mental picture of yellow and brown, I do like. Also, I am a little worried that yellow and gray is too cold. I want warm colors. But but but- I keep picturing myself with a bouquet in red... which would look lovely with yellow and gray but not so much with yellow and brown. BUT then I saw this stationary: http://www.oncewed.com/525/real-weddings/whimsical/yellow/patrick-erica/ Which is quite pretty color wise, though not exactly what I want and I'm just wondering- what do you think?

Love,

I will try not to sing out of key.

2010-07-23T14:11:00.002-04:00

(Joe Cocker cover of The Beatles' original)

Choosing and asking my wedding party has been one of my favorite parts of getting engaged. Z and I had long ago decided that we would serve as each other's Maids of Honor and I pretty much knew who else I was going to ask before I even got engaged- but coming up with a way to do it was a challenge. Online, I saw examples of people who used poems, t-shirts, or bridesmaid guides but none of those things really felt like me.

I stumbled across these cards on Etsy and knew they were perfect:

I felt like bridesmaid guides or tees was a little too pushy for me, so I rounded up a collection of movies that are all about weddings or at least have bride in the title. Harder than it seems, trust me. I figured that my friends are making such a huge time and financial commitment that I needed something lighthearted and fun to say a preemptive thank you.

Luckily, everyone I asked said yes! There were lots of hugs, a few tears (Olive), and lots of wedding plans made. And I'm really thrilled and honored- I feel very loved. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful and genuinely happy for me... It's been the best experience I could ask for. Z, Teddi, M, Olive, and Sara: I can't wait to step forward into this new chapter of my life and I can't imagine doing it without any of you. It means so much to me that you'll be by my side on my wedding day. Thank you for helping me plan, giving me ideas, creating the stationary, taking our engagement photos, keeping people out of my hair, planning my bridal shower and just generally being some of the best friends I could ever imagine having. And especially thank you to my best friend, Z, who is flying across the country to help me plan next month- in the middle of planning her own wedding. You're the best.

In return, I solemnly swear to do my damndest to find bridesmaid dresses that aren't shiny, won't cost you your firstborn, and that you might possibly even wear again.

love is all you need

2010-07-22T08:00:00.008-04:00

(The Beatles)

Oh, New York. It was a glorious week-end. The flight there was a little rocky, but I have to hand it to Jetblue. They make it hard to want to fly any other airline. I checked my bag for free, I got my own TV on the plane- which distracted me from the two ladies I was sitting next to who were direct off the set of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and I got free snacks and drinks. And, bonus, the flight attendants were actually really nice. I stepped off the plane into an oppressively hot and sunny NYC. And someone promptly sneezed on me. Still, it seemed like New York was trying so hard at this summer thing and since the last time I saw her I was freezing my tootsies off, I managed to be totally charmed.

I got a cab and went straight to Teddi's apartment. Seeing her was a total delight. We gabbed for a bit and then I handed her this:

So glad that she said yes! We grabbed drinks at Vero (which, incidentally, is the name of my home town). I had the most glorious mojito ever. Seriously, I love them and I don't know why I have to go to the Northeast to get one. I have yet to have a properly made one in Orlando though. Locals, enlighten me if you know where I can go to get one. After, we headed to dinner at Otto.

Can I just say how much I freakin' adore Mario Batali? I forgive him his orange crocs. J took me to Babbo for my twenty-fifth Birthday and it was the best meal of my entire life. Otto was not quite as good, but it was still pretty delicious.

After a few stops (I needed a wedding planner) we called it an early night. Saturday was busy busy. We started the day at Alice's Teacup. I've been dying to go there forever. It was a little slow, but really good.

Then, we headed to Bloomingdale's and the Bumble and Bumble bar. Teddi and I are both diehard B&B fans and it ended up being the best decision we made all day.

Teddi:

Me:

Unfortunately, we couldn't get a makeup counter to do our makeup for us. It was ok though, we headed back to the apartment and did our nails and make-up.

(Not sure you needed the visual of this, but I was adjusting the settings on my camera when I took this and figured I met as well throw it in here.)

The wedding was in Brooklyn, which proved to be a little more challenging than anticipated. We found the ceremony site, at a friend of Mae's townhouse, with no trouble, but finding a before wedding snack was a little hard. Thank god for sushi, because I had three glasses of champagne- which in no way led to my crying through the very beautiful ceremony. Mae and her husband wrote their own vows, which were really beautiful and there were only about 50 of us there, so the whole ceremony felt very intimate and special. Also, I got to see Mae's parents for the first time in a few years, which was really nice. Her Dad is a professional photographer and he took my grad pictures and they drove Mae and I to numerous plays and practices and dance competitions when we were growing up. Her Dad even snuck us in to see the bride before the ceremony, which I'm sure is a major faux-pas, but Mae was totally gracious and lovely as usual.

The reception was at the Prospect Park Boathouse, a little over a mile away. Insert massive problem here. Brooklyn has cabs, but they aren't yellow cabs, and it took a few hours of being there for me to be able to spot one. Teddi and I had a drink and a snack in a local bar and then miraculously caught a cab in the drizzle and headed to the park. Only, our cab driver (who charged an indecent $8.00 for the 3 minute ride) didn't drop us off at the boathouse. He dropped us off at the picnic house. Which is on the opposite side of the park.

We got directions from no less than 6 people, trudged through mud in heels, wandered around the park for 30 minutes, tried to consult a map, and had a panic attack (me) before some poor couple with their baby took pity on us and walked us to the boathouse. Whoever you are, thank you thank you thank you. Again. Because I was starting to doubt we would ever make it out of the damn park again, much less to the reception.

We got to the reception, washed our feet off, had some more champagne and all was well with the world. The Prospect Park Boathouse is really pretty (once you find it) and we had a great time, eating, drinking, dancing a little bit and mingling with the various guests.

We got an excellent and efficient ride back to Manhattan after the reception and hung out at Teddi's apartment before meeting up with Al and her boyfriend at Dorrian's. I'm not sure how I was still standing at this point, having consumed several glasses of champagne, a beer, and roughly three gin and tonics- more alcohol than I have had since a friend of J's got married back in February. It made for an interesting evening though and it was so great to be back together; I only wish Z could have joined us. We're planning a girl's trip to Myrtle Beach at the end of September- it'll be the first time since graduation (2007) that we've all been in the same place at once.

The next day, Teddi and I got up and had brunch at Le Pain Quotidien. It was delightful. My only regret is not getting the extra danish. Part of me loves that restaurants in NY show calorie counts on menus and part of me knows that if they didn't, I would have had the danish. Afterwards, we ran a few errands, stopped by Momofuku Milk Bar and then went to see "In the Heights" on Broadway! It was amazing! It was my first show on Broadway and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was literally so good that I didn't want it to end. The music, the dancing, the plot, everything. And it wasn't terribly heavy, which I appreciate- J took me to see "Spring Awakening" in May and it was amazing, but also terribly depressing. "In the Heights" was the perfect way to end my New York week-end.

Momofuku Cookies: Confetti, Blueberry Cream and Compost. I brought these home to J, who promptly ate all but half the Compost, which I had to hide from him.

My flight was delayed and I got home late and exhausted and ultimately came down with a terrible cold last week, but my time in New York was exactly what I needed. It was so wonderful to see Teddi, I felt honored to be a part of Mae's big day, and the time away really cleared my head.

You can get with this or you can get with that.

2010-07-21T13:08:00.000-04:00

(Unclear. The internets tell me it's by Black Sheep.)

Wednesday. Confessions.

- I get irrationally upset at inanimate objects. In particular, I have a hate-hate filled relationship with our terrible toaster. It's like something out of a movie. It does nothing well. It's too narrow for bagels, too shallow for toaster waffles, and it either burns your toast or doesn't toast it at all. Fail toaster.

- Thus, I have already started a list of things we need to register for. A toaster, a new welcome mat for our front door, and a new ice cream maker are all on there. I'm debating whether or not to put the Dyson I've been pining over for years on there... I might leave J for whoever finally buys me that vacuum.

- I look at food blogs and clip recipes while I'm in my classes. If it's one I can listen to, then it's no problem... and if it's a visual chat, I just check back every five minutes and read to catch up. I hate sitting around, waiting for the next line of text to appear. And I'm usually starving in my classes anyway so it's a good way to figure out what to have for dinner.

- I sometimes cry at commercials. Currently, the Toyota one where they give the girl with the bakery her own car. Have you seen it? It's a tearjerker, seriously.

- Also, I love love love the Kia commercials with the hamsters. God, that might be the most embarrassing thing I've admitted on here. I'm not usually a fan of that anthropomorphic business, but I really like those damn hamsters.

- This might be related to the above: the previews are my favorite part of going to the movies. I've actually refused to see movies with J if we've already missed them.

And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.

2010-07-19T18:19:00.000-04:00

(Bob Marley cover)

Ah, blogging from Starbuck's. Isn't this how I last left you, dear internets? Deja vu. Brighthouse has an area outage that's covering our whole neighborhood, so I'm using some free wifi for my class tonight. It's less than ideal, because Starbuck's has to have just about the hardest chairs on the planet, but it's forcing me to be online for a few hours for the first time in a while so I suppose that's a perk. I haven't been avoiding you, oh internets, I've just been really tired. And my real world life has been keeping me quite occupied. I owe you a proper post about my trip to NY, but I don't have my pictures on this computer and it's a post that you really need pictures to appreciate. For now, suffice to say that minus getting lost in Prospect Park in heels, it was an amazing trip. Mae's wedding was beautiful, Teddi and I ate a ton of amazing food and drank too much (I did have that mojito, but I forgot to snap a picture of it) and laughed even more, she agreed to be one of my bridesmaids, and we saw "In the Heights" on Broadway- which was insanely good. In short, it was exactly what I needed.

The past week has been pretty action packed, too, what with booking our venue for our wedding location and all. (Squeeee!) We're seriously thrilled and I'm seriously relieved to have one major thing checked off. Besides that, we played some pool with J&S, I fought an aggressive and nasty cold, and we drove up to J's sister's house to see her and play with the babies. I feel really lucky to be marrying into such an amazing family and talking to his sister made me feel relieved on a lot of fronts. The niece and nephew are adorable (and getting so big) and it was a much needed break from our regularly scheduled programming.

But getting back to it. There are two weeks of summer semester left and then I have three whole weeks off before we plunge into fall. We just got the news that Jimmy is moving back to our glorious state and Alicia will be here at the end of August as well. Until then, I'm going to focus on plowing through the last of papers and exams, soaking up some sun, and getting my butt back to the gym. Coming soon, post-wise... a dedication to my lovely bridesmaids, the NY recap, and a foodie themed confessions. Because, yes, I have already started a list of things we need to register for and a new toaster is at the very freakin' top.

And I ain't got no worries, 'cause I'm in no hurry at all

2010-07-09T07:30:00.033-04:00

(The Doobie Brothers)

I'm sitting in the airport, about three hours early for my flight. I fucking hate flying. It's half pure unadulterated fear and half the total loss of control over your own destiny. You can tell me till your blue in the face that driving is statistically more dangerous and rationally, I believe you, but in my heart I know that at least if I'm driving and someone turns to plow into me, I have half a chance of swerving. Or surviving. Not so in a plane, my friends. If that engine goes out, we are totally fucked. Which is what I think every time I have to get on one. Which is fairly often. And the more I fly, the worse my fear gets. How messed up is that? I think it's because I feel like I'm so lucky. Like I have so much and maybe I'm just... undeserving of so much.

I usually leave notes behind, like a just in case, but I didn't this morning. I truly feel like you should tell people how you feel, all the time- I say I love you more than anyone I know- and I mean it, I do, and I've worked really hard to settle things in my life and not have unfinished business. For any reason. Because it feels healthier in my life not to have baggage and pain and unsaid things. But, also because I have been known to walk into the street without looking both ways. Literally. So. In case you don't know. I forgave you a long time ago. Make sure they play "Freebird". Seriously. I love you, I love you, I love you. I hope you know it. And also. It has been such a grand adventure and I feel like the luckiest girl ever.

I am a nervous rambler. In case you couldn't tell.

I'm sitting in Starbucks... haven't gone through security yet. "Dream a Little Dream of Me" is playing. I love this song. It's on our wedding list. I'm drinking an iced vanilla latte and eating a fruit cup. What I really want is a McMuffin and a donut. Or maybe a McMuffin on a donut. Carbs make me less angsty. And I could use the protein. But, I'm thinking of all the food I'll be eating at Otto tonight. And how hard I've been working and how I'm trying to make healthier choices and blabbidy blah. I want bacon.

You know how they say "one bad apple ruins the bunch"? One bad piece of fruit ruins the whole fruit cup. It's so deceptive because they all look fine but then you bite into a skunky piece of cantaloupe and it's totally over. The fruit cup has ruined my trust. In hindsight drinking a bunch of caffeine seems... unwise. I feel jumpy.

It took me a ridiculous amount of time to check my bag, considering that I was already "checked in" and had my boarding pass... so I'm not anxious stand in another line and I still have three hours before we'll be boarding, so I'm really not in a hurry but something about waiting to do something just makes me extra anxious. Once the plane takes off, I'm fine. I guess because I know it's totally out of my hands then? Up until that point I can still pull a Final Destination and get the fuck off. Not that I would or ever have, but still. The actual flying part is fine as long as I'm not thinking about it. The thought of 30,000 feet in between me and solid ground makes me want to pass out.

There are times when I hold it all in and handle it really well and there's no rhyme or reason for it. Flying into DC in a blizzard when they had to take some crazy old man off our plane for suspicious behavior? It was so audacious, I was fine. Like, how much could go wrong with it? And it was fine. And it's always fine. But flying to Ohio with a bunch of sorority sisters? Total meltdown, on the phone with my Dad, had a stranger come over and ask me if I was ok. This morning seems to be somewhere in between. I'm really excited about this trip and I'm not gone long enough to be upset about leaving or missing. But this morning, I held on to J a little extra tight, and let Joe rub his face on mine even though it makes my allergies go haywire, and gave Sam some peanut butter... and tried not to cry on the phone with my Mom so I wouldn't make her worry. And I keep twirling my engagement ring around reminding myself that I am loved, that it's all going to be ok, that I just need to remember to breathe.

Which would be easier if Starbucks would play something a little upbeat. It is too fucking early for Fiona Apple. There is nothing more embarrassing than crying into your latte in an airport Starbucks. I'm going to have the biggest fucking mojito when I get to the city. New York and I have this semi-abusive friends with benefits relationship. I'm totally energized by it- it gives me sensory overload- and when I step into the street, I'm immediately smitten. After three days, I'm in love. But by day five, it's making me exhausted and cranky and broke and I'm ready to kick it out of bed. 48 hours in New York is the perfect amount of time. If I could just get there without having a nervous breakdown, that would be awesome.

But pack your heart you might need it

2010-07-08T13:19:00.000-04:00

(Deftones)

These past few days, these past few weeks, have been overwhelming and stress-y. I went to yoga yesterday morning trying to remember how to breathe. Just breathe and just be. To my eternal shock, it really helped. It helped to just relax and step outside of my life for an hour and be present in the moment. And maybe, really, that's what's been missing the last few weeks. Some people thrive off of constant chaos, others off of solitude and quiet. Personally, I am constantly striving to find that balance between the two. A few days of chaos will leave me craving my bathing suit and a new magazine for a few hours, but too much down time and I'll start overprogramming the next week so I feel caught up with my friends and my life and the world in general.

I have a tendency to rush into things headfirst. All or nothing. And this attitude, I know, is not always for the best. I don't mind the skinned knees as much as the broken hearts but more than guarding myself against others, I think I have to learn to guard against myself. No one is harder on me or expects more from me than I do. But, I'm not really my own biggest fan either... so there's no real balance there. I can have weeks of perfection, of checked off to-do lists, of thoughtfulness and patience towards others... and one bad morning will send me into a tailspin that will turn into a week or a month of struggles.

I am starting to see that if I want real change it is going to be an everyday effort, like everything else. That means starting everyday fresh. It means celebrating the tiny victories. And it means letting go of all the things I cannot control. And some of the things I can. They say it takes two months to make something into a lasting habit. So I am making a renewed effort to be kinder to myself, to focus on all the positives, and to start everyday hopeful that I can make it a good one.

I'm heading to New York this week-end to see my dear friend, Teddi, and go to my friend Mae's wedding. Mae and I have known each other since middle school and reconnected about a year ago and I'm overjoyed to be making this trip. I'm only in the city for 48 hours so I'm determined to make the most of it and really give myself a break. I want to eat, I want to dance, and I want to laugh till I'm totally exhausted.

Got my head in the clouds, more like smoke in my eyes.

2010-07-07T11:16:00.022-04:00

(Fight From Above)

Wednesday Confessional.

- From planning the guest list for our wedding, I have discovered that I do not have "casual" friends. If I'm friends with you, then I love you, and I'm in. It requires way more emotional energy to be this way and the first year I'm friends with someone, I feel consistently nervous to be investing and caring so much, but it's so worth it.

- I'm a hugger. I have learned over the years that some people are not and I try not to force my hugs on them and make them uncomfortable, but I'm a Southern girl. I hug, I say "I love you" to my friends frequently, and I think there is a food to cure most ills.

- I think women's razors are the single biggest beauty rip off in the world. Why are they so much more expensive than men's razors? And why are they so expensive to begin with? They have to cost like $1.00 to make, seriously. And who the hell does Venus think they are kidding anyway, making 15 versions of the same damn razor?

- Sometimes it takes a really long time for a song or an album to grow on me. But once it does, I can listen to the same one fifteen times in a row.

- I promised myself (and J) that once we booked the venue, I would cease wedding planning for at least a month. But I fell in love with a dress online. A dress that J loves. A dress by a Canadian designer. A dress that has become utterly impossible to get a hold of. So, I called the only store in Florida that carries the line (Alyne Bridal) only to be told that they don't, in fact, carry it. It is a division of a line called Rivini, which Solution Bridal here in Orlando does carry. So, I called them and spoke to a very helpful girl on the phone who informed me that they don't carry it because it's too similar to Watters designs, which they already carry. Which is having a trunk show at their salon on the 30th. Which I am now attending. She also sent me a lovely e-mail already. I am doomed. I am steeling myself to not buy the first dress I like. But you know how it went with choosing the venue... (Update: J found a salon in Florida that will have the full Alyne Bridal collection in either September or October. Ah-maz-ing. I really feel like I can't buy a dress until I try on that one that I love so much. So win-win. I can try on stuff and it'll keep me from buying anything until I try on the Alyne dress. If I hate it, I can always order something else.)

- Speaking of, I was watching "Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway?" the other day (confession enough in and of itself, right?) and one of the couples was getting married at our location. It made the whole thing feel suddenly really really real and I may have shed a tear. Or two.

- I've have a list of potential baby names that I started when I was 18. I add a few whenever I hear something I like.

Take me one more time, take me one more wave, take me for one last ride

2010-07-05T11:56:00.082-04:00

(Deftones)

Monday Mix-Tape... is not a mix this week. I've been listening to Deftones' latest album, Diamond Eyes, a lot lately. The album shares a lot of similarities with White Pony which is the first Deftones' album I fell in love with. I think that a lot of people feel that way. Diamond Eyes is obviously more evolved than their first two efforts, much as I love Around the Fur, but it comes off sounding more natural and less produced than Saturday Night Wrist or Deftones.

Diamond Eyes is also a less angry sounding album than Saturday Night Wrist, at least in part due to Chi's unfortunate accident and the decision by the band to shelved their original follow up album, Eros, in favor of starting fresh with a different bassist. It's a credit to both the band and Sergio Vega that the sound and quality remain true to Deftones standards. Chi's shoes are large and hard to fill. (For more information about the Deftones' bassist, Chi Cheng, his accident and recovery, or to donate money to help pay for his medical expenses please visit One Love for Chi). The album is full of fantasy and imagery and there are some seriously beautiful lyrics in there. But, it's also Deftones. You have to be prepared for a certain amount of violence and screaming.

The more I listen to it the more I think it really does sound a lot like White Pony. Cheno's vocals run the full gamut here, as they did there, from ethereal to brash. I said once that I thought his voice sounds like sex and after listening to this, you really can't deny it. There's a lot of power there, but there's a lot of finesse too. If a song like "Rocket Skates" bashes you over the head, then there's one right behind it, like "Sextape" that's a total caress. The album remains cohesive in spite of showing such a range, which is a credit to the band. The songs match each other, if that makes sense. "Sextape" is probably my favorite song on the album, much in the way that "Digital Bath" was my favorite on White Pony. It's lush and rich and sexy but in spite of the name, it doesn't sound nearly as dangerous or ominous as "Digital Bath" did. It doesn't have that same violent edge... and if "Digital Bath" was full of that twisted admiration then "Sextape" is pure naked longing.

Deftones continues to do what they do best on Diamond Eyes, which is so uniquely their sound. It's hard and soft, edgy and smooth, driving and drifting. One of the best things they have going for them, in my opinion, is their ability to not only tell a story, but sell it to you. They really make you feel those emotions, whether they're genuine or not. And if their lyrics are often nonsensical, it seems not to matter, when you're caught in one of their waves. Love love love.

Cruising through the city, after hours, with me. Fusing all our powers. Here's to all our dreams.

2010-07-03T14:09:00.000-04:00

(Deftones)

In the library today, it's my week-end rotation at the internship. I had a vanilla latte on the way in here and the caffeine is coursing through my veins and making me feel quite sprightly for the first time in days. Last week was rough. It was nothing in particular, except a ton of stress coupled with hormones, that got dropped in my lap out of the blue. Monday night, M called me and asked if I would go to the doctor with her. She passed out Saturday, face planted into a wall, and thought she might have a concussion. I was in the middle of class, but M never asks me for anything and I knew if she needed me enough to call she really needed me. A trip to the walk-in clinic confirmed that she needed to go to the ER, which is where we sat for the next six hours. She's fine now, all the tests came back normal, and she took some time off and rested- which was probably what she needed most. Still, it was a little bit scary and very stressful. The emergency room is no fun.

The rest of the week was just really overwhelming. J and I went to another possible wedding location and it only really confirmed that we want the site that we thought we wanted. We went ahead and put our hold on it and hopefully we'll be able to work out the contract and put our deposit down early next week. Once it's set it stone, I'll feel like I can talk about it without jinxing anything. We love the site though- we're planning on doing both the ceremony and the reception there- and it's beautiful. We can have a combined indoor and outdoor space, we need minimal decorations because the space is already so beautiful, and the coordinator we've been working with there has been great about responding to us quickly and answering any and all questions we have. And it's just within our price point. It's perfect, but I guess I was worried about just signing the first place we saw. But, lesson learned. When you love it, you love it and really, you should just do it.

On top of that, summer semester only has about a month left and the work is piling on. I utterly loathe group work. We already had one crazy paranoid group member that had to be removed after falsely accusing the rest of the group of plagiarizing her work. I'm not entirely sure what she wanted us to do other than literally quote and cite each of her contributions, which is pretty insane and random for a collaborative essay- on ethics, no less. She also felt like we purposely excluded her from our group discussion and that she was so intimidated (virtually) that she couldn't talk to us directly, but had to involved our professor without ever trying to resolve or even mention the problem to us first. Anyway, the situation culminated in a vitriolic e-mail directed at one group member in particular and left us all feeling pretty weirded out. I'm fairly no nonsense and professional in my groups. Like, I'm polite, but it's online and I'm not trying to make friends. I have a limited amount of time I want to spend dealing with inane bullshit. Now, I feel like we have to all hold hands and (virtually) sing kumbaya or something. Like, we're all adults here. Man the fuck up.

Now, my group has decided that the best time for us to hold a weekly group meeting is on Friday nights. Really. Could they pick a more universally inconvenient time? Granted, my Friday nights of late have not been as exciting as they once were, but even if I am in bed next to a sleeping J by 10:00 reading the latest Sookie Stackhouse book, I assure you I would much rather be doing that than having a group meeting. Blargh. Additionally, Sam's mange has come back (mildly, thank god we caught it super early) which is not fun- for anyone. I am actively trying to find a job. Weddings are expensive. I applied for one position at a library that I have applied for three other times. I also sent in my resume to two professors in my college that are looking for a research assistant. Tuition reimbursement would be amazing. I'm still looking for other places to apply. I really just need something, but god it would be awesome if it was something I could actually put on my resume.

All of this stuff culminated in two very bad days on Tuesday and Wednesday, which J definitely took the brunt of. Make no mistake though, the boy is no doormat. He can definitely dish it out just as much as I can. Though, he usually softens up first. By, Thursday things were starting to look brighter- figuratively, if not literally, because we've had the grayest few days of summer so far yesterday and today. It's kind of a nice break from all the heat though, especially since I know it won't last.

On happy notes, my stress hasn't kept me from the gym. This is the third week in a row that I've managed to get in there at least three times. Which makes me feel both happy and accomplished. Even if I can't necessarily see a difference, knowing that I'm in there makes me feel better. Also, my best friend from high school (and one of my bridesmaids) Sara, agreed to do mine and J's engagement photos! I'm really happy, Sara has a great eye, and I think it'll be a really fun day. Speaking of bridesmaids, I've asked all my bridesmaids but one! (And they all said yes.) Olive even started to cry when I asked her over lunch yesterday, which was pretty awesome, as she is the most stoic of all my friends. After I've asked everyone, I'll let you know what I came up with for the asking, I was pretty happy with how it all came out.

There are lots of events to look forward to. Tomorrow is one of my most favorite holidays. I love the Fourth of July. Small clothing, booze, grilled foods, and pretty explosions. What more could you ask for? J is going to be working most of the day, but we're meeting up with J2&ST for some food and fireworks in a local park. Next week is going to be a bit hectic, I'm heading to New York City and Brooklyn next week-end to go to my oldest friend's wedding. Teds is going to be my date and we have lots of other fun (and food related) things planned, including a dinner at Mario Batali's restaurant Otto. I've been dreaming about it for weeks. Next month, my best friend Z is coming down so we can do a bunch of wedding related things which I am ecstatic about... and there is a trip to Atlanta that I really need to plan, and dress shopping, and a girl's trip to Ocean Isle, NC. and Court is coming down Labor Day week-end... J and I also really need to make plans to go see his sister. The babies are growing by the minute and I don't want to miss a thing. Oh! And Jimmy will be making an appearance in August that I'm really hoping will become permanent.

This summer has already been so eventful, it's hard to believe that it's only halfway over. It's amazing how far you can come in a year. I squandered away all my sunshine last summer, fretting and stressing and feeling pretty out of my element. This summer I am doing my best to soak it all up. The everyday things are the best. Taking Sam to the dog park, laying out next to a deserted pool, eating dinner with J every night. Even as I'm devouring every wedding magazine I can get my hands on and wasting away hours on the Knot, I'm trying really hard not to lose sight of just how grand all this is and the reason why we're doing it.

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty.

2010-06-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

(City and Colour)

My thoughts are a tangle right now. I do this when I'm stressed out about something- multi-task to the point of complete distraction. I'm trying to do so many things at once right now... plan a wedding- specifically find a wedding ceremony and reception location, figure out how to get my engagement ring insured, deal with a dog who is slightly sick with the mange again, apply for part time jobs and all of the regular life stuff with the house and the internship and school and you know, my relationships and all.

I have moments, whole days even, that are incredibly good. Times when I feel totally comfortable in my own skin and happy and completely at peace with the world. I'm in such a good place, literally and figuratively. I'm so sure of where I am and this path that we're taking. But, I have days that are just fraught with so many worries and stresses and errant thoughts.

Lots of it is simply bullshit. I know that we have time to plan for this wedding and that the money to pay for it will materialize. I do. I just don't want to have any regrets about any of the choices we make... and that can make choosing hard. For example, we found a venue that we both love at a price that we can live with, but I feel the need to continue looking because it seems like we just haven't seen enough yet. And on the other hand, I want to book it right now because I feel like there's no way we'll see something else we love as much. And maybe I don't want to see anything else we love as much, you know?

So, I debate and worry and over-analyze it. Then, to take my mind off of it, I find something else completely out of my control to worry about. Like, whether or not I have a short luteal phase. And what we will do if I do. Even though we won't have to really deal with it for another few years. And then when I think about all that, I finally come back around to the 10,000 things that have to be done right now. Like finding a place to get my ring appraised so we can get it insured. And the paper that is due tonight that I still haven't written more than ten words of. It just comes in waves.

Acting on your best behavior.

2010-06-23T15:13:00.000-04:00

(Tears for Fears)

I had an interesting conversation with my friend, M via e-mail yesterday. Her pup, Sable, has gone to stay with her Dad for a few weeks while M does some travelling. In an effort to cheer her up, I told her that a. She can play with Sam whenever she wants and that b. In the past twenty four hours, Sam has attacked the water coming out of our sprinklers (soaking both of us), cried excessively during a thunderstorm, and stepped in his own poop. So she might want to take advantage of some fur baby free time.

Annnnd I just pulled a penny out of his mouth. It's nonstop excitement over here.

why can't life always be this easy?

2010-06-23T13:37:00.001-04:00

(Kanye West)

Confessions on a Wednesday. It's good for the soul. Or something.

- I'm always afraid of being too happy or too excited for something, like I'm going to jinx it. I've been so unbelievably lucky in my life that I feel like being too happy is just testing the universe. I feel undeserving of so much happiness, but I'm starting to just embrace it. Life is wonderful. I'm engaged to an amazing person and I love our life together. I simply love life in general right now!

- Not having a paying job makes me feel anxious, stressed, irritable, and a little worthless. I have been known to be so afraid of rejection that I won't even apply for something... and I don't exactly deal with change well either. But, I have got to find a part time job since finding something full time or in a library has been fruitless thus far.

- J made me stop watching "Dexter" because it gave me nightmares. Also see: "Law and Order", "CSI", and "Unsolved Mysteries".

- I think Dunkin Donuts iced coffee is better than Starbucks. Though a Barnie's Coffee Cooler beats them both, provided you can actually find a freakin' Barnies.

- I've decided to not ask one of my good friends to be in my bridal party, for various reasons that have accumulated over the past two years. I know she's going to be really hurt and upset about it and I have no idea how to approach or deal with the situation so I haven't yet... and I'm not sure I'm going to.

- On a happier note, not all of my bridal party does know I'm asking them yet and I'm bursting at the seams to tell them! I hope that a. I can keep my mouth shut until all the plans for asking them are in motion so that I do it the right way and that b. all of them say yes!

- I have recently found myself doing things that make me feel like a soccer mom. Including driving my soon to be father-in-law's SUV (and not very well) and listening to books on tape (I bought it on accident, but now I feel honor bound to listen to the damn thing).

So many things that I wanna say

2010-06-22T13:25:00.000-04:00

(The Outfield, Anyone recognize the song? I love it. It reminds me of going out and dancing to 80's music at the Lodge with Z.)

My best friend just got engaged! Z, I'm SO overwhelmingly happy for you and yours. I can't wait for your engagement post and to help you plan and discuss details with you. Rest assured, your 80's Prom Themed Bachelorette is already in the development stages.

I'm so happy to be going through this stage of life together. There's no one on Earth I'm happier for and I feel so lucky to be able to share this time and experience with you. Congratulations!

And for the first time, I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for your every move and waking sound

2010-06-21T10:59:00.004-04:00

(Smashing Pumpkins)

Mix-Tape Monday. Do I really need to explain this feature? I had a few comments when I changed the style of my blog about readers enjoying my music recommendations, so I thought I would make what I'm listening to a more regularly recurring feature. Right now, I'm obsessed with finding less conventional love songs for a project I'm putting together for our wedding. (Holy crap, our wedding. Butterflies. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the thrill. Maybe we when start writing checks.) As you've read, our song is The Beatles, "In My Life". Not your most overplayed song ever but also not anything really unheard of. Also on the list?

- Guns N' Roses- "Sweet Child O'Mine". My Dad used to sing this to my Mom when I was little. It's a strong contender for the Father-Daughter dance but it would obviously have to be whoa shortened. (Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" is also in the mix because nothing reminds me more of my Dad, but it's so so sad, I'm just not sold on using it.)

- Queen- "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". I can picture us dancing to this. And singing to this. It's just fun. And if we can't use "Fat Bottomed Girls" then it has to be this.

- The Born Ruffians- "Foxes Mate for Life". J and I both love this. It's a Jimmy-Sharon-DC special but I distinctly remember driving around DC with J (in Jimmy's car) listening to this when we first dating. And it's a sweet little sentiment.

- Say Anything- "Alive with the Glory of Love". J put this on the first (and thus far, only) mix CD he ever made me. I wrote a whole post about it, here.

- Otis Redding- "These Arms of Mine". Sigh. I couldn't not have this song in here. Love love love. So classic.

- Eddie Money- "Baby Hold On". J and I started listening to this song when we first moved in together. We were having a stupid disagreement about something house related and this song came on the radio. J looked at me and said, "See?". It's a good reminder not to let the stupid bullshit that life inevitably sends your way get you down or distract you from what's really important.

- Smashing Pumpkins- "Stand Inside Your Love". Only the greatest thing Billy Corgan ever wrote. It's the only love song that he says was true and specifically for someone- his girlfriend at the time, Yelena Yemchuck. The lyrics are incredibly sentimental and sweet and yet, so different. They really ring true. It sounds like love, when you're really in it with someone, and you just know. And the video. It's a tribute to "Salome", my favorite play by Oscar Wilde, and the original art by Aubrey Beardsley. It's black and white and dark and sensual and overwhelmingly gorgeous.

A few other contenders: .38 Special- "Caught Up in You", Golden Smog- "Pecan Pie", The Kinks- "All Day and All of the Night" OR "You Really Got Me Now", Stevie Ray Vaughn- "Pride and Joy" (my parents' song), U2- "All I Want is You" (from "Reality Bites", a favorite of mine), and Bright Eyes- "First Day of My Life". I don't want to give away all the songs on our list just yet, but we need about thirty or forty. I've already enlisted the help of my Dad, the music guru, but I'm open to ideas from any and all areas. Well, almost.

I love old jazz and blues but, Etta James' "At Last" is just too much of a staple to be on the list. I'd like some Clapton on there, but my Mom loathes "Wonderful Tonight". I hate country music. I adore "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson, but J laughs at me whenever I put it on, so that's out even though it is so very us. I'm not opposed to anything a little cheesy, like maybe some Hall and Oates? But, Elvis is out. Basically, anything rock, jazz, blues or older pop. So, with that knowledge internets, help! And in return I'll keep you updated on all the different ways this music will feature in our wedding plans and day.

Also, I promise I have a life outside of this wedding and I will resume talking about it soon.

Could not kiss, just regress.

2010-06-20T00:14:00.004-04:00

(Bush)

I haven't been able to get motivated this week. I have all this time and I know it's slipping through my fingers... I guess I'm just processing. I feel like with every major life change I go through a different transition period. When I moved to DC, I totally immersed myself in the whole process and just moved moved moved and just didn't think. By the time I started thinking about the fact that I was 800 miles away from the life I'd lived and loved for six years, I was already away and in it and those ten months just sort of flew by. And then when I moved back to Orlando last year, I sort of fell apart for a little bit. I was ecstatic and so happy to be living with J and back in Florida, but I was so overwhelmed with life and not really processing DC and just reeling. It felt like my entire life was just completely out of my control. And, yeah, in both instances I got over it and started really living again, it just took me a little while to work my way through things and figure out where I was and where I was going. This time, it's so different. Because I do feel overwhelmed and I do feel like I need to process things and figure out what the next step is, but I also feel like I should just be... breathing. And dreaming. And letting go. And instead I find myself sleepless and clinging and breathless. I don't really know how to change and stay still. I'm so used to leaping and looking later. And the next year requires us to build steps. So, I feel like I should take this time while I have it. But I don't really know what to do with it.

Doesn't anybody ever know?

2010-06-16T13:39:00.000-04:00

(Our Lady Peace)

Confessions on a Wednesday. Because, really, why not?

- I never really stop missing my parents. I think it's an only child thing. If I have a nightmare and J isn't home, I'll call my Mom. And I think even when I have kids of my own, I will probably still do this.

- I am a control freak. I am only just realizing this one. It's not so much that I don't like having help or that I don't trust other people to do things or even that things have to be done my way... or even that I'm especially particular about how things are done. It's just that, if I'm the one doing it, then a. I know it's taken care of and b. I don't have to nag anyone or remind anyone to do it. I'm trying to get over this.

- I have trouble asking for help or taking people up on it when it's offered. See above. I also have a problem feeling like I'm putting people out. I'm trying to get over this, too.

- I think sometimes I put up with more than I should because I'm secretly afraid that I am just as annoying or selfish and other people put up with me. So I should pay it forward? Or something?

- I sort of hate drinking water. I would almost always rather have something exciting to drink, even if it's just a Cherry Coke or a Lemonade. Unfortunately, I know that water is a billion times healthier for you and that drinking your calories is the quickest way to derail all your healthy efforts. So water it is.

- Speaking of Cherry Coke, I think soda tastes better out of a cold can than any other way. No glass/plastic bottles, ice, or fountain drinks for me.

And those are my random confessions this Wednesday. No other major news to report. Life is good. J loves his new job and I'm reveling in the engagement and in summer.

So caught up in you.

2010-06-12T13:40:00.000-04:00

(.38 Special)

Isn't it funny how you can just be cruising along in life and all of the sudden everything changes? Between our engagement and J starting a new job Tuesday and trying to adjust to coming back from vacation, I've been reeling. My head just feels full. I have ideas about the wedding and we're starting to discuss details and I want my ring back on my finger yesterday (it's being sized) and I have people to see and call and talk to and my internship and school work and spending some quality time with Joe and Sam who I missed dearly and The Knot is telling me that I should be picking colors and figuring out our budget and I'm just wondering how anyone decides anything when there are oh SO many choices? Oh, and I did I mention that our wedding diets have already started?

It's all so wonderful and I'm not complaining. I'm thrilled. And a little overwhelmed. But mostly just thrilled. And as full as my head is, I have to say, my heart is more so. Because while we've been a little wrapped up in our own little fiancee filled world right now... our family and friends have just showered us with love and well wishes and it's been a wholly different kind of overwhelming. I can't thank you all enough for the messages and texts and the shrieks on the phone and the cards and gifts and this blog post. Seriously. We felt so loved. I have felt so loved. And I could not be happier.

But, I would feel slightly less stressed if we had a venue booked already. I'm crazy for being worried about it when we have 15 1/2 months till the wedding, right? Right?

Summer's here and the timing is right, for dancing in the streets...

2010-06-11T14:19:00.001-04:00

Down in New Orleans...

Our trip to New Orleans was an experience, for sure. Besides getting engaged, we ate a ton, drank even more, and took in the plethora of sights. While in New Orleans, I also learned that Bourbon Street is the raunchiest, dirtiest place I will probably ever be and that there are places on Earth that are more humid and hot than Orlando. Seriously, I took a minimum of two showers everyday. Which was funny, considering it rained everyday. But the heat and Bourbon St. notwithstanding, New Orleans was amazing.

We got there on Thursday morning (after a 10 1/2 hour drive) and went to the Aquarium and wandered around on their boardwalk. Afterwards, we went back to the hotel and napped before heading to Bourbon Street for some po' boys and a haunted pub crawl/ ghost tour. Even though I was the only "believer" out of our group, we had a lot of fun and got to see a lot of the city. Our tour guide from Bloody Mary's Tours was awesome and knew a ton of history about the city. After the tour, we went to Pat O' Brien's for dinner. Unfortunately, I'd had a hurricane, so I barely remember it.

This penguin at the aquarium was awesome. He wouldn't let any other penguins in or near his cave.

Cool statue at the entrance to the aquarium.

The Mississippi River. And a real river boat!

Our tour guide from the Haunted Pub Crawl.

See the orb???

Some of the pretty wrought and cast iron work in the city.

The house where Tennessee Williams wrote "A Streetcar Named Desire".

I loved all of the gaslights in New Orleans. So pretty and romantic.

The original fire fountain at Pat O' Brien's.

Friday, we all had breakfast and then the boys went to Harrah's Casino for some blackjack, while S and I went to see St. Charles Cemetery I. It was beautiful in a very haunting way and unlike any other cemetery I've ever been in. It's famous because lots of Louisiana politicians are buried there, as is Marie Laveau, the famous Voodoo Queen of New Orleans. Afterwards, we wandered around the French Quarter and visited Jackson Square before meeting the boys for lunch. That night, we had dinner at Luke by John Besh, which was amazing, before heading out to Bourbon Street for the night.

Marie Laveau's grave. There are actually three different graves that her remains have been moved to. For various reasons. Notice all the XXX? People believe that by writing that and leaving an offering, that she'll grant them a wish. S and I didn't participate. I feel like there are just some doors that I don't want to open.

Jackson Square and the Cathedral. Very pretty.

We got some authentic N'Awlins grub at this restaurant on Decatur Street.

Muffulettas.

Hurricanes on Bourbon Street.

View of downtown from a bar's balcony on Bourbon Street.

Saturday morning, J and I got engaged! You can read all about that here. After the phone calls and everything, we met up with our friends and took the St. Charles Streetcar to the Garden District. SO pretty. After lunch and more naps, we finally went to Cafe du Monde for beignets. They were absolutely worth the wait. We had a seafood feast later on that night and ate breakfast at a place called Cafe Fleur de Lis before driving back to Florida the next morning.

Gorgeous.

This rickshaw was in someone's front yard. I thought it was fitting!

I loved this house.

The French Market.

World Famous Cafe du Monde.

Beignets. They are every bit as delicious as they look. J was such a sweetheart and bought me beignet mix and coffee from Cafe du Monde that we brought home with us. Too bad those don't exactly fit into our wedding diets! We'll have to make them for a special Sunday treat one day. After going to the gym.

Cafe Fleur de Lis where we had our last breakfast in the city. I thought my sorority sisters would appreciate this.

There are places I'll remember, all my life.

2010-06-09T14:54:00.002-04:00

(The Beatles. "In My Life". Our song.)

On June 5, 2009, we moved in together. And on June 5, 2010, we got engaged. *

We woke up on Saturday morning and went to breakfast just the two of us. It was ridiculously hot outside, but it was also the first day of sunshine that we had in New Orleans. It was incredibly nice to just walk through the city with J... honestly, it's my favorite part of any trip we take, just being together, taking in the scenery. We originally planned to go to Cafe du Monde and get some beignets, but there was a massive line around the block, so we walked through Jackson Square, past the Cathedral, and just happened on this little place in the French Quarter for breakfast.

The restaurant, on the corner of Chartres and St. Louis. It's been there since 1788.

We had coffee and split french toast and biscuits and gravy. Most of the breakfast crowd had emptied out and we were sitting along the back wall by ourselves. I was staring into space, enjoying my coffee, and grilling J on why he was acting so strangely. He pulled the ring out of his pocket and asked me if I would have coffee with him everyday for the rest of our lives. I said yes. Promptly followed by "Put it on, put it on, put it on." And then, "Holy shit." We walked around the city for an hour trying to find a ring guard for it and eventually just used band-aids to make it fit. (It's currently being sized and I feel like I'm missing a limb.)

The ring is perfect and beautiful and everything I want. And our engagement was simple but wonderful and totally fits us. And my fiancee... is everything. He is the best man that I have ever known. And he's the person that I want to wander around cities with and drink coffee with every morning and that I want next to me through everything, through my whole life and all the experiences, forever.

Riding the St. Charles Streetcar, post-engagement.

I can't wait to get married. I can't wait to add to our family. I'm so excited and happy and blessed to be a part of his family and for him to be part of mine and for us to move on to the next chapter of our amazing life together. I can't wait to see where the journey takes us. And I can't wait to share it with our amazing family and friends, who have been so good to us, and who have made us feel so loved. I couldn't be happier.

Ok, I'll be ever so slightly happier when this is back where it belongs.

* (And on October 1, 2011, we will be getting married. Pending finding a ceremony/reception site on that day, of course.)

Eyes lit, I want short breaths

2010-05-31T21:47:00.000-04:00

(Crystal Castles)

Life is getting in the way of blogging this week. It's the fourth week of summer classes, which means that a. I'm 1/3 of the way done (wow) and b. shit is finally getting real. I've been swamped with homework. I've also been striving to get my butt in the gym- last week I took a Bodyworks class and a Cycle (Spinning) class besides the usual I feel lazy I need to hit the Ellliptical for half an hour session. Then there's the obligatory Memorial Day BBQ's and going to the Springs for an afternoon and brunch plans and just, you know, life.

As it should be. I've been focusing on enjoying my life to the fullest right now. Things aren't perfect and they never will be, but I'm really truly happy and there isn't a person in the world I would trade places with. But all this living means not a lot of time to sit down and write it out the way I want to. Coming up, a post on our trip to the Big Easy and another on my favorite summer songs. When I get a minute to catch my breath... I feel so lucky that there all still three full months of summer left. I feel renewed.

one night doesn't mean the rest of my life

2010-05-27T14:36:00.000-04:00

(The Get Up Kids)

I just found out, via Facebook, that one of my ex-boyfriends just got engaged. The Beau. The one that I dated for two years and tried very hard to be friends with and that just didn't work out any which way. And I feel... mildly shocked. (Thank you, Facebook, for providing me with unsolicited information when I'm completely unprepared.) And also... not really anything. And the not feeling anything? Makes me feel weird. I expect any day for JLM to get engaged (he's been with the same girl for five years) and while a very small part of me will cry, ultimately, I'll just be really happy for him. And, B. Well, I don't really know what to say about that.

But, yeah, I suppose it's normal to feel a little surprised? And, also, I suspect that the feeling will be vastly different when I get the news from JLM, who I'm still friends with, as opposed to someone that I don't really speak to anymore. And it's not that I don't feel happy for him- it's just such a strange thing to think about. That this was someone that I spent so much time with and put so much energy into and now it's been over for so long and we're both in such different places and we really don't even know each other anymore. But, I guess, really that it's part of really committing yourself to another person- you let go of other relationships that you held on to so that you can move forward. And maybe the shock comes from finding out that I've already let go without consciously doing it.

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me.

2010-05-23T15:02:00.000-04:00

(Lady Gaga)

Friday night, J went to go play Magic with some friends and I stayed in and whittled away the List on our DVR with the dog. It was actually a totally delightful way to end an utterly relaxing day (dog park, BBQ from a tiny church, naps, pedicure, random shopping).

So, we are suckers. Because after spending $80 on his new bed, we also shelled out for a little cushion thing to go on top of it. Because Sam looked not entirely comfortable without it. Also, J started letting Sam sit with him on the couch about a month ago, something that before then was completely and totally off limits. Sam had a bath on Friday morning after the dog park, so I let him cuddle with me as well. Oh and by the way, our dog? Weighs 70 pounds. The following is a series of pictures I sent J regarding how my night progressed.

Sam is in his crate. I allow him to come watch TV on the couch with me.

He promptly claims as much space as possible.

Sam decides that he needs a place to rest his head and takes over my lap. I get up to use the bathroom. I come back and Sam is completely in my spot. After relocating him to the end of the couch and firmly explaining the need for personal space, Sam becomes decidedly fidgety and gets up and off the couch repeatedly, trying to find a place to rest his head.

I try to bribe Sam with a pillow to get him to give me some room.

I relent and Sam falls asleep on my lap. Where he promptly begins to snore. This is my life.

But really. How could you not put up with it for this face?

today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two

2010-05-22T13:40:00.000-04:00

(311)

I've been having an issue with one of my friends. It's not any one thing in particular, but a lot of small things that have been bothering me for a long time. Things that I excused or ignored or just didn't deal with that suddenly seriously overwhelmed me. Do you ever catch yourself saying, "I love so and so BUT, ..." Well, yeah. I'm having an extra hard time figuring out how to address it and deal with it because it's not like a something happened sort of situation, more of a personality conflict situation. I try really hard to be straight forward with my friends in general, to simply say when something is bothering me or to know to just let it go. I don't generally have a problem apologizing and really for the most part, I don't really have many conflicts with friends anymore. Maybe because we've either been friends for so long or because we're all adults now? I don't know.

And yet, even though we're all adults, having a disagreement or misunderstanding or just plain old tension with friends makes me feel exactly like I'm 13 again. It's like... waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't feel like people are constantly disappointing me. It's just that investing time and energy into relationships, caring about other people, it makes you vulnerable. And the closer you are, or were, the easier it is to get hurt, even unintentionally. And the longer you've been friends, the more history you have, the harder it is to accept people when they change, to see them how they really are, to not feel past hurts and grievances when something new arises.

And it's natural, I know. I think every friendship goes through it's ups and downs. It's how you grow. It's how you learn how to be friends- what's important to both of you and what you need to handle gently. It's pretty much exactly like being in a relationship in that way. But, how do you know when it's a bump in the road, when it's going to get better and you should just ride it out? Do you ever? How do you know when you should say something? In this particular case, I truly feel like saying something wouldn't make much of a difference. And knowing that my friend probably won't be responsive, or will be defensive, or possibly even just won't care that much... What does that say? How do you know when it's just a phase or something more permanent? What do you do when you feel like a friendship isn't necessarily toxic, but just not fulfilling? I refuse to believe that everyone grows apart. But, I also don't think that every relationship is built to last forever. And what do you do with that?

I guess, I just feel badly for feeling this way and saying nothing. Because I would truly hate for one of my friends to harbor feelings like this about me and not give me a chance, give us a chance to work it out. I still live in semi-constant fear of someone writing me off for no apparent (to me) reason. I guess because you never really know what someone else is going through or dealing with. I feel like I've changed so much in the last few years, we've all changed so much. And I haven't always been the best friend on the planet, I mean no one has, but we've managed to all make it work. Or to start over and make it work again. I'd hate to just let go without a fight. But at the same time, I'd hate to have a big blow-out and that be the end. I don't know which is the right thing to do and which is the easy thing to do and right now, I'm not sure that either option is really right or easy.

all these places have their moments

2010-05-20T12:36:00.002-04:00

(The Beatles)

J is the first guy I've dated that we had a "song" that was actually appropriate... which is kind of ironic considering that while I'm really into music, he's sort of... not. It's not the he doesn't care, exactly, it's just that he doesn't care as much. (I mean, he loves Electric Six.) In some ways, it can bother me; music has always been an easy connection with people for me and, really, some moments are just begging to be set to a soundtrack. In other ways, it's really nice. We hardly ever argue over the radio station. And I'm sort of starting to realize that in the past, I sometimes mistook someones taste in music for actual qualities they possessed. And with J, the songs we do have are so very distinctively us- and I know it's just that the song sort of fits, not that I'm making us fit into the song.

I've been thinking about writing this out for awhile, a post all about "songs" that I've had with someone. It's very complicated though. There are few guys that I've dated that haven't left some sort of musical impression on me, but at the same time, what is there really to say about a-ha (and the guy I only dated briefly who didn't know who Roman Polanski was)? And then there are the songs that remind me of friends, do I include those? Is that really the same thing? Or the plethora of songs out there that remind me of a moment with someone or that someone introduced me to? Do those count? What about songs like Pearl Jam's "Black" that seemed to be on the radio non-stop the summer that JLM and I broke up and that is so fitting and that I still can't listen to without tearing up? So, yeah. I haven't written this one out because the parameters seem too shaky. Also, when I started to sit down and think about all the songs I've had with people- it struck me that several of them weren't just not "love songs"- they were like, anti-love songs.

My first real boyfriend in High School, who still makes my skin crawl, practically forced Lifehouse, "Hanging by a Moment" to be our song. I still hate that song but, yeah, it was a love song. Technically. Blech.

JLM and I have so many songs that it's hard to pinpoint the ones that were "ours". He's responsible for introducing me to a lot of my favorite bands (A Perfect Circle and Deftones) and he's the only person that remembers me before I knew who Les Claypool was. More than that, JLM, and I have been friends since we were 12 (so he also remembers my horrible middle school awkward phase) and we've managed to remain close since we broke up like, 6 years ago? He has always been and will always be one of my best friends. Our songs though, much as I love them, aren't so sweet. "Mourning" by Tantric. And "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle. Beautiful and totally heartbreaking. Oh. And Poison the Well- "Nerdy". Totally romantic song, if you can actually understand the lyrics through all the screaming.

The Beau and I dated for about two years, for a big chunk of undergrad, and yet numerous close friends of mine forget about it. Our relationship just wasn't that dramatic (not until the end, anyway). We really cared about each other, but ultimately, just weren't the right people. We didn't have that much in common and we really wanted different things out of life. Our song? Eddie Money. "Take Me Home Tonight". Yup. Not exactly romantic but, I do have pretty awesome memories of us drunkenly belting that out at several bars.

B. There's no easy way to sum us up and I won't try. The Cure. "Just Like Heaven". I still love this song, I can't hear it and not smile, even if it comes like a punch in the gut sometimes. On the surface? This song is so romantic and, like, totally joyous. It's vibrant and full of life. Or at least it starts that way. It ends with the singer losing his love in a rather depressing fashion.

Also of note? A Perfect Circle, "The Noose". The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps". Death Cab for Cutie, "Title Track". And Steve Miller Band, "The Joker". Yeah, none of those are very good love songs either. Except maybe "Maps", but even that is so unrequited it's kind of sad.

So. While J and I do have a special place in our hearts for "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies (and another Eddie Money gem "Baby Hold On"), "our song" is by The Beatles. And one day, I will sit down and write a whole post about which one and why and how that song is perfect for us.

I want to say so much about our relationship and what it's like to be with someone and know in your bones that it's right. I want to write about how learning that letting go is an everyday choice taught me that letting go opened me up to choose other things, like being with J. And I want to write about how breaking down so utterly and losing myself so completely allowed me to change and love and be ready for it. I finally feel whole again and it happened when I wasn't looking. Because I can look back and see that growing older made me grow up a lot, yes, but also that this time I have grown back better. That I've learned that compromise is part of life (and relationships) but it doesn't have to mean losing myself. And I want to say all this in so many ways but I'm afraid that it's going to sound preach-y and cliche and trite and it's going to actually make this big big thing seem small.

So don't think that I'm pushing you away, when you're the one that I've kept closest.

2010-05-19T14:05:00.000-04:00

(The XX. Amazing album. Soothing, soft, sexy. Perfect for summer.)

Well. I know it's been a while. I could say that I've been busy or distracted, but really I've just been sort of tired. And admittedly, a little bit lazy. The past week has been fairly uneventful, but in the nicest sort of way. Sometimes life's little perfections come from enjoying your own little corner of the world. J and I have been able to spend a lot of time together lately and it's been so lovely. He just got a new job, but it doesn't start until after we get back from New Orleans. I started school last week, so he's been taking care of most of the cooking. Major perk of living with a chef. Notably, he made me the best crab cakes I have ever had, hands down, on Tuesday night. Unfortunately, they didn't last long enough for me to snap pictures. Oh well, I guess he'll just have to make them again...

I really like both of my summer classes so far. I'm taking a management class, which is pretty much a review considering my other Master's degree, but I had the professor for one of my classes last fall and I really like her, so I don't mind so much. I'm also taking a class in young adult reference and I like both the subject and the professor so far, so that's good too. It's really nice to only have class two nights a week. You wouldn't think that one class would make that much of a difference, but it does. I feel much less stressed than I did last semester. So far, anyway.

J and I have taken advantage of all the sunshine lately now that my sunburn from South Carolina is finally gone. Friday, we took Sam to a new dog park. We had been going to Flowers, which is utterly terrible, but I had heard a lot of positive reviews of Fleet Peeple's so we took him there. Seriously, awesome. It's huge, first of all, which is great and a major improvement over Flowers. There was a nice wooded area with paths and plenty of doggy water fountains and benches and all sort of things- plenty of room for running around and making new furry friends. The real draw was definitely the lake though. I was so proud of my boy! He is not a fan of water- at all- but after watching all the other dogs go in, he hopped right in, too. He was filthy, but the park has a station where you can give your dog a bath before they get back in your car. It worked out well for us, which was shocking considering the aforementioned water aversion.

The only bad thing that happened was one unfixed and aggressive Doberman with lazy owners. He totally humped Sam in the face, while his owners did nothing. So rude. Luckily, J was there with me to deal with it. Sam was such a good boy though, he growled and definitely told the other dog he didn't appreciate his unwelcome advances, but otherwise let J and I deal with it. We weren't the only victims, but really, one bad dog/owners in a park full of people? Not too terrible and it definitely didn't ruin our experience. We're heading back this week and planning on making it a regular thing.

Especially since Sam had a check-up on Sunday and he is a smidge on the pudgy side. I guess we've been overfeeding him a little. It's so terrible. It's like when you have fat little kids- it's totally the parents fault, you're responsible for everything that goes in their mouth before the age of five. Having a fat dog, okay slightly overweight dog, feels like such a reflection of us. The poor fat dog must have lazy owners, you know? Really though, we just need to watch what we feed him and lay off the treats a little bit. I think we were so focused on getting him healthy and regaining his weight after we first had him that we didn't really notice that he had gotten back to his normal size plus a few. Now we both need to lose ten pounds. Oy.

Besides that, there was a trip to the mall with ST, and a double date at a new Vietnamese place with JB and ST, and an awesome phone date with Teddi, breaking in a new brunch place (Keke's) with SA, a trip home to see my parents (and eat fried chicken), watching the first two Lord of the Rings movies on Blu-Ray, etc. You get the picture. Lots of relaxing. Oh, and that Body Works class at the gym that made me more sore than I have been since I started ballet. Seriously. I was hobbling around for almost four days and enduring J's laughter the whole time. Totally worth it though. It was an awesome work-out and ST is going with me next week. Though being that sore sort of makes me feel like all these work-outs the past few months have been for naught.

I'm spending the summer exactly like this. Relaxing and spending extra time focusing on only having two classes and stepping up my gym routine. I want to be in the best shape possible... it already feels like the next year is going to be eventful.

your words don't match the story that your actions show

2010-05-13T10:00:00.005-04:00

(The Get Up Kids)

So. I obviously didn't work out all week-end when I was in South Carolina. And I came home with a wicked sunburn so that Pilates class I scheduled for Monday morning was out and yesterday and today, I let myself over book and run out of time. And the excuses and the laziness and the everything else is more important and all the reasons why not continue to rule.

Except that, right this minute, I am in a Body Works Plus Abs class. Tomorrow, I will be doing Yoga. And Sunday morning? At the ungodly hour of 8:30am? I am taking something called Latin Fusion. Because I refuse, I absolutely refuse to let a few days totally derail me. And next week when my loan money comes in, I am investing in some new running shoes and restarting my Couch to 5K training.

P.S. That Bodyworks class just kicked my ass, good god. Also: If you go to the gym, please put on deodorant! This person next to me in class smelled before the class even started. Gross.

If we took a holiday...

2010-05-12T13:48:00.003-04:00

(Madonna)

Sorry that I've been a bit MIA the past few days. I've started my summer semester for school and I've been nursing a wicked sunburn from the Girl's Trip. Which was, by the way, totally and utterly awesome and exactly what I needed. The weather was completely gorgeous as was the locale, it was totally relaxing, and I got a healthy dose of time with the girls, which was exactly what I needed. We've already decided on a repeat performance in South Carolina for our trip next year and I'm already planning visits to both DC and Atlanta for the fall.

The back road from I95 to the Beach. I rolled the windows down and blasted Madonna the whole way.

Chick flicks.

Homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I made the dough at home and then carted it in the cooler to SC. I was super nervous, but they were delicious. I used the Pioneer Woman's recipe from her cookbook, The Pioneer Woman Cooks. The recipe can also be found here: PW's Cinnamon Rolls. I hate Maple so I skipped that in the icing, next time I think I'll try for a cream cheese frosting. Also, warning: this recipe makes 6 dozen cinnamon rolls.

Rum Runners. We forgot to add the rum until we were at the beach, so Winnie had to run back to the house and get the bottle so we could add it in. Delicious, regardless.

A sparsely populated beach, something you never see in Florida.

Lovely.

Reading material. The Girl Who Played with Fire, the second of Stieg Larsson's novels. Winnie was reading The Help, which is also totally on my summer reading list and Z was reading the third Stookie Stackhouse novel, which is my favorite in the series so far.

Afternoon on the porch, reading and relaxing.

Perfection.

Swimsuits drying on the line.

Koozies. Piggly Wiggly. And the South Carolina state symbol. Need I say more?

Sunset walk.

The view on the drive home.

Lots of traveling so far this summer! I didn't intend to do so much in just a few months, but I'm definitely not complaining. It's been utterly lovely and the start of what is sure to be a picture perfect summer. Next up? A trip to New Orleans with J, his best friend and his girlfriend the first week in June.

B-b-b-b-bad.

2010-05-09T15:02:00.003-04:00

(George Thorogood)

So, remember when our dog did this?

Well, last week he also did this:

So, he had to sleep on the floor for a week until this got delivered:

That is a Kuranda bed. (You can get them here: http://kuranda.com/) It's gauranteed to be indestructable. We'll see. So far, so good. He doesn't like it nearly so much as his cushy (and apparently delicious) bed but, I'm thinking that's probably a good thing. We've got to get some more rawhides and chews or something.